Tag Archives: doctors

by

Sex Across The Room

A youngish, socially-active, female co-worker once said to me, “Have you ever looked at someone across the room, and said to yourself, ‘I’m going to have sex with them?”

My response was that it was something that only females would say – unless the guy was like Bill Cosby, Jeffrey Epstein, or Paul Bernardo.

Much against the advice and urgings of her doctor, she insisted on having her tubes tied when she was 21.  He wanted her to wait until at least 25 – or better, 30 – just in case she decided, later in life, that she wanted to have children.  She at least was smart enough to know that she would never have made a mother, much less a good one.

I read the book, Men Are From Mars; Women Are From Venus.

A woman will give sex, to get love.
A man will give love, to get sex.

Biologically-speaking, it is to a man’s best interest, to have sex with as many females as possible, to spread and ensure the continuation of his genetic makeup.
Biologically-speaking, it is to a woman’s best interest to have a man around to feed and protect her and any offspring.

Neither of these paths are RIGHT, or WRONG, although the second option has almost universally been adopted, by almost every culture except the American Negroes, where the welfare state has caused the rate of single-motherhood to rise from 20%, to 70% in the last fifty years.

Many women have become so habituated to the social norm, that they grow to be as bad as some men in their entitled, controlling hold on their support partners.  To even mentally appreciate another female is viewed as a thought-crime, or worse, a sin, and fraught with ownership, and jealousy.

by

Doctor!  Doctor!

This growing old shit is not for the faint of heart.  Even just Stayin’ Alive can become a full-time job.  I recently read a post from a young woman who complained that she had two doctors’ appointments in one day – and then she went for a workout at the gym.  It is possible, but not likely, that they were both with the same doctor.

Damned amateur!!  For those whose idea of excitement is perusing a long list of medical appointments and whines – Read on Mac Duff!

MONDAY – The worst
I took the wife to see her GP.  I insist on using that term.  Clinics and medical labs use the term ‘Family doctor.’  She has one.  The son and I have another.  They both treat “Families,” just not this family.  This visit was not medical.  It was administrative.
The polyp in her duodenum that was removed two years ago, has regrown.  We hadn’t heard anything from the specialist in Toronto who was going to operate, until we got a Sayonara Suckers email from him, telling us that he’s moving to Vancouver to practice.  Since it’s been precisely located and identified, the less-than-specialist in Cambridge feels that he can handle it.  We await an appointment.

Her dentist found a lesion on one side of the wife’s tongue.  A local Oral Surgeon snipped out enough for three stitches, and a biopsy.  It might have been Hyperkeratosis, a callus-like thickening of tissue.  (Insert shrewish housewife joke here.)  It was Dysplasia, a modification of cells that isn’t, but could become, cancer.
We were sent 75 miles to an Oro/Fascia/Maxillary Surgeon.  He felt that it extended too far back into the throat and ligament, and suggested an ENT.  The GP referred the wife to a local one who is probably the best in the Province.  We hadn’t got an appointment, so we asked the doctor to check.  The computer file showed that the ENT had declined, because his wait-list is 4 years.  He suggested 3 or 4 other names.  The GP wanted to know, if she couldn’t contact a local one, would we be willing to travel 75 miles east again, to Hamilton, or 75 miles West, to London.  As long as somebody does something, soon.

TUESDAY
We both had an appointment with our new Osteopath, because our last one decided to practice from her home, 20 miles away.

WEDNESDAY

We both had appointments with our Optometrist.  They already had to be delayed and rescheduled three weeks later.  The wife had her lenses with cataracts removed, and new, plastic lenses inserted about six months ago.  An emergency visit later showed that, as often happens, not all the organic matter was flushed out of the sacs, and it combined and grew like ivy, clouding her vision.  Only last week, she spent a half a day at the hospital, having it burned out with a laser.  Both her sight and mine are better than they were a year ago.

THURSDAY

Both the wife and daughter put their best foot forward, and I took them to their Podiatrist.

FRIDAY

It was the car’s turn for a service visit at the dealer.  The son dropped it off at 8:00 AM after work, and was Uber-ed home.  It was both his, and the driver’s, first Uber trip.  I was Uber-ed back to pick it up in the afternoon.  I have ridden in a few electric cars, although not a Tesla, yet.  Even including Toronto taxis, this was my first ride with a dash cam – front-facing, cabin and audio.

The week was so busy that neither of us had time for a workout at the gym.   😳

by

Medical Humor

I’m not too keen on taking pills.  When my doctor prescribed some medication for high blood pressure, I asked if there were any side-effects.
He said, “Yes, longevity.”

***

I’m pretty sure my body is not a temple.  It’s a haunted house.  It’s slowly falling apart.  It makes strange noises, and it’s inhabited by the spirit of an old guy who’s always mad at something.

My wife says I’m unsophisticated and uncultured so; to prove her wrong, guess where I’m taking her.
Hint: It starts with B, and rhymes with “wallet.”

***

In one of my blog posts, my computer’s Auto-Correct changed ‘Joseph of Arimathea’ into “Joseph of Aroma Therapy!”

***

My daughter volunteered as an assistant monitor for the Great-grandson’s first swimming trip.  When her child’s towel went missing, an irate mother demanded, “What kind of juvenile delinquents are in class with my child?”
The daughter replied, “I’m sure it was taken accidently.  What did it look like?”
“It’s white,” said the parent, “and it says Holiday Inn on it.”

***

Dieter, and his grandfather Peter, were sitting on the side of a mountain in Bavaria.  Grampa Peter said, look down there at our village.  I helped build most of those houses, but do they call me Peter the house- builder?  NO!  Look at the church.  I climbed up and finished the spire, but do they call me Peter the church-builder?  NO!  See the stone wall where the road runs near the river.  I dug out and mortared most of those stones myself.  Do they call me Peter the wall-builder?  NO!  ….but I fuck one pig!!?

***

I just had another colonoscopy.  I asked the doctor to write me a note for my wife, stating that my head wasn’t up there.

***

WebMD is updating its server because of a virus.  Well, they think it was a virus, but it could also be malaria, kidney failure, a heart murmur, gallstones, or even appendicitis.

***

by

Juju Comedy

In the great days of the British Empire, a new commanding officer was sent to a South African bush outpost to relieve the retiring colonel.

After welcoming his replacement and showing the usual courtesies (gin and tonic, cucumber sandwiches, etc.) which protocol decrees, the retiring colonel said, “You must meet my Adjutant, Captain Smithers, he’s my right-hand man and is really the strength of this office. His talent is simply boundless.”

Smithers was summoned and introduced to the new CO, who was surprised to meet a hunchback, one eyed, toothless, hairless, scabbed and pockmarked specimen of humanity, a particularly unattractive man less than three feet tall.

“Smithers, old man, tell your new CO about yourself.”
“Well, sir, I played cricket for England, graduated with honours from Sandhurst, won the Military Cross and Bar after three expeditions behind enemy lines.
I’ve represented Great Britain in equestrian events and won a Silver Medal in the middleweight boxing division of the Olympics.
I served with the Bengal Lancers in the siege of Cawnpore as First Secretary to Colonel Smythe–Carruthers, Brigade Commander. I have researched the history of . . .”

At that point, the colonel interrupted.
“Yes, yes, never mind all that, Smithers, he can find all that in your file. Tell him about the day you told the Witch Doctor to sod off.”

***

I went to a doctor’s appointment.  She asked me how old I was.
I said, “In a month, I’ll be 81.”
She said, “I admire your optimism.”

***

I guess I need to brush up on my geography.  I purchased a new TV and the box was marked “Built In Antenna.” I am embarrassed to say that I have no idea where Antenna is.

***

A scientist, a skeptic, and an Atheist walk into a bar….
….She orders a margarita.

Jesus is the bartender.  He comes over and pours a clear liquid into their glasses, and it changes to a red color, and exudes a delicious aroma.  The scientist says, “I’d like to know the chemical reaction that produced alcohol from plain water.”  The skeptic says, “There was probably Kool-Aid powder in the bottom of the glass.”  The Atheist says, “Why are you guys playing with empty glasses, and where is our server?”

***

Did you hear about the cowboy who died with his boots on, because he didn’t want to stub his toe when he kicked the bucket??!

by

Fibbing Friday #262

Last week’s words from Pensitivty101, were put forward by Susan of The Abject Muse.  Thanks Susan!
Your definitions please!

These are all Syns Of The Fathers.  Apparently, Mothers never Syn.

1. Synergy

Wasn’t this that ‘Too Big To Fail’ gas and oil company that went down like the Titanic in 2001??!

2. Synonym

This is the name of the local Friendly Girl.  Often found on washroom partitions, under For A Good Time Call XXX-XXXX.

3. Synchronicity

I have finally learned how to be exactly as late as my doctor.  On my initial visit, he had me arrive at 6:30 AM to fill out forms, for a 7:00 o’clock appointment.  He wandered in at 7:05, disappeared, perhaps for a coffee, and at last saw me at 7:20.  😮

4. Syncopate

This is when the wife and I completely agree on any given subject.  It happens once 0.732 in a blue moon.

5. Synopsis

My parents had to keep a close eye on my female sibling.  Her Purity Pledge ring was beginning to show serious corrosion.

6. Synaesthesia

This is AI-produced, artificial pleasure and enjoyment.  It won’t be long before we shed our bodies, and live inside computer simulations.  We will voluntarily let The Matrix win.

7. Synaptosome

This is what Donald Trump, et al, lack.  A doctor examined The Donald, and declared him sane and fit to be President.  Now, I want the doctor examined, to see if he is sane, and fit to practice medicine – although I have some sympathy for him.  If he had given any other ruling, he might have been run over by a car…. in his living room, or fallen to his death from a ground-floor window.

8. Synanthropes

These are cynical ‘Good Christians’ who are loudly judgmental of other people’s failings, but sow their own wild oats from Monday to Saturday, and then go to church on Sunday, to pray for crop failure.

9. Synagogal

It is no wonder that the best lawyers are Jewish.  They’ve spent 5000 years arguing and negotiating with God.

10 Synaptid

That’s the sound of me opening my first cold one of the day.  Yum, yum, Waterloo Dark Lager, almost as good as Newcastle Brown Ale.

by

Placeholder

LET IT ALL OUT!

I have nothing to rant or comment about, so this week it’s your turn.  Just lie down on the couch, and tell kindly, old Doctor Archon all about it.

It’s your opportunity to vent about whatever it is that drives you crazy – a husband who wears socks with holes in the toes, a wife whose recipe for chicken stew should have been banned by the Geneva Convention, a Karen neighbor who desperately needs a smack in the head with a diarrhea-filled diaper, a boss who’s risen to the Peter Principle level of incompetence, Taylor Swift, MAGA, influencers.  😮

Your blood pressure, and fellow-readers, will thank you.   😀

by

Some Fine Humor

One day, a man says to his wife, “It’s a fine day.”
The next day, he again says, “It’s a fine day.”
This continues for about a week.  Finally she demands to know why he keeps saying it.  He replies, “Last week we had that big argument, and you said that you’d leave me one fine day.  I’m just reminding you.

***

A vampire bat arrives back at the roost, with his face, mouth and teeth covered in blood.  All the other bats get excited, and ask him where he got it.  “Follow me,” he says, and off they fly, over the hills and the river, into the forest.  “See that tree over there??” he asks.  “Yeah, yeah.”  “Well, I f**king didn’t”

***

Alzheimer’s goes to the doctor

A guy is in a doctor’s office. His doctor is there with him.
“I have two pieces of bad news,” the doctor says.
“What are they?”
“Well, the first piece of news is that you have cancer.”
“What’s the second piece of news?” he asks.
“Well, the second piece of bad news is that you have Alzheimer’s.”
The man laughs and says, “Well, at least I don’t have cancer.”

***

A homeless man approached me as I was leaving a sandwich shop and he asked me if I had $5 to spare. I felt bad for him, and was just about to give him the money.

But then I realized I was holding a $5 foot long I had just bought, so I held up both the cash and the sandwich and told him he could have whichever one he preferred.

He stared at the sandwich. Then his eyes shot over to the $5 bill. He looked at the sandwich again, then back at the cash. After a moment his eyes were darting back and forth between the two, and he threw up his hands in despair, let out a scream of anguish and then turned and ran away from me.

At first I was totally confused, but then it dawned on me: Beggars can’t be choosers.

***

Judge: Members of the jury.  Before we began, the Plaintiff’s lawyer gave me an envelope containing $5000 cash.  Then, the Defendant’s lawyer handed me an envelope with $10,000 cash.  So, I’ve decided to return $5000 to the Defendant’s lawyer, and we will try this case on the merits.

***

What’s the difference between a good lawyer and a great lawyer?
A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the judge.

***

I love bacon!  Sometimes I eat it twice a day.  It helps take my mind off the terrible chest pains that I get.

I choked on a carrot this morning.  All I could think was, “I bet a donut wouldn’t do that to me.

Nothing spoils as good story like the arrival of an eyewitness.

It only takes one slow-moving person in q grocery store, to destroy the illusion that I’m a nice person.

I hate it when people act all intellectual and talk about Mozart, when they’ve never even seen one of his paintings.

by

Christmas Presents Humor

Co-workers are like Christmas lights.  They hang together.  Half of them don’t work, and the other half aren’t very bright.  Some of them are like Slinkies.  They don’t really do anything, but they bring a smile to your face when you push them down the stairs.

***

A blonde drops her dress of at a dry-cleaners.  The clerk says, “Thanks, come again.”  The blonde replies, “No, it’s toothpaste this time.”

***

My wife told me to go to the doctor and get some of the pills that would help me get an erection.  You should have seen her face when I dropped a bottle of diet pills in front of her.   BTW: I’m still looking for a place to stay.

***

A man goes to a wizard and asks him if he can remove a curse that was put on him years ago.  The wizard says, “I might be able to, if you can remember the exact words.”  The guy responds, “I now pronounce you man and wife.”

***

CHINESE SICK LEAVE

Ho Chow calls into work and says, “Hey, I no come work today.  I really sick, got headache, stomach ache, legs hurt. I no come work today.”
The boss says, “You know, Ho Chow, I really need you today.  When I feel sick like you do, I go to my wife and ask her for sex.  That makes everything better, and I go to work.  You try that”
Two hours later, Ho Chow calls again.  “I do what you say, and I feel great.  I be at work soon.  You got nice house.”

***

After an exhausting 18-hour hospital shift, a nurse walks into a bank.  She grabs a deposit slip, and takes a rectal thermometer out of her purse and attempts to write with it.  Realizing her mistake, she says to the flabbergasted teller, “Well, isn’t that just great??!  Some asshole’s got my pen.”

***

A timid little man was terrified of flying, and was on a long distance trip.

He was on his first ever flight, and he had the window seat. Besides him sat a giant man, heavily tattooed, and not smelling the cleanest.

After the plane took off, the timid little fellow soon found himself feeling sick. But he didn’t know how to get past the large fellow that sat between him and the way to the bathroom, especially because his neighbour was now fast asleep.

Suddenly it was too late, he couldn’t help himself, and he got sick all over the other man. He frantically tried to wipe up the mess, hoping the giant wouldn’t wake up.

Despite his best efforts, he noticed the man stirring, and his eyes opened. Thinking quickly, the timid little man smiled and said, “Are you feeling better now?”

by

Well Worth 10 Days Of Medical Hell

TDLR

I did not take my doctor’s advice on how to sneak into the little, local cardiac hospital through the emergency department.

I SHOULD HAVE!

Instead, I patiently waited for the cardiac clinic – and waited- and waited!  Days flowed into weeks. Weeks turned into months.

After three months and a week, I drove to the clinic on a Friday and raised a small amount of hell. I told the receptionist that I was busy dying out here and would appreciate if someone would do something.

On the Monday morning, I got a call from my newly adoptive doctor’s assistant.  I would need to start with an EKG. Someone had cancelled; did I wish to take their appointment that afternoon?

Damned Right!

I must have piqued some interest. That Friday, I got a call asking me to come back in, next Wednesday for an Echocardiogram. The next day I got called to (finally) come back for my stress test and evaluation.

The test is to walk on a continuously inclining treadmill, in three-minute segments. I didn’t last the first TWO minutes. I got home to an email scheduling me for an Angiogram at the hospital in four weeks. The fire has been lit, but the days still stretch.

Two weeks later, I got a phone call on a Wednesday. Someone had cancelled an Angiogram on Friday. Scared the hell out of me! Same guy as the EKG? Did he die? Did I want to take it?

HELL YES!

Ordinarily, they would mail out a requisition for an independent clinic to perform blood tests, urine sample, heart X-ray, blood pressure and an all-out tree’s worth of questionnaires and other assorted paperwork. With no lead time, those would be done in the hospital, after the test.

I arrived at the hospital Friday at noon, to register. I was escorted to surgery prep, stripped, given a backless gown, a hair net, and paper booties. ID was checked and an IV shunt put in the back of my left hand.  About 1:30 I was told to take me and my pal the IV pole down the hall to the washroom, have a final pee, and sit on a chair outside the operating room.

A nurse escorted me in, up onto the table, and inserted an anesthetic line, while the surgeon readied my right arm.  I asked her how long the procedure would take.  If it’s simple and easy – 20 minutes.  If there are problems – 45 minutes.  The doctor nodded to her, and…. she tapped my leg and said that they were putting me on a gurney to recovery.  RECOVERY??!  I looked up at the clock, and wondered where the Hell three quarters of an hour went.  Not a good sign!

When all the procedures were completed, the experts examined and discussed them.  I was later given the copy of my test, above.  It shows four feeder arteries, all clogged, from 76%, to 98%, and blocked both at the top, as well as the delivery end.  My surgeon only had to install four large pieces of vein, but, technically, I got an octuple bypass.  Most hearts only have three feed vessels.  Mine had spontaneously formed a new one to take up the slack.  That was the one that was only 76% blocked.

The doctor most capable of installing stents, took one look, and said, “Too big!  Too Complicated.”  I needed to be kept under medical observation, and had to wait until the next day to shed my anesthetics, so that I could make a (reasonably) intelligent, informed decision.

It came down to either a 15% chance of dying from heart failure within ten years, or allowing some guy to open my chest with a miniature chain saw, stop my heart for a while, so that I was legally dead, attach me to a heart/lung machine, and install new plumbing.   The choice was unenviable, but inevitable.

After getting someone else’s EKG appointment, and someone else’s angiogram appointment, the surgeon I urgently needed, had a Monday afternoon open.  Tough as nails, by 6 PM, the family was informed that I had come through well.  A night in Emergency observation – three days in Cardiac ICU, because there were no free beds in the recovery ward – slowly, I recovered.

Finally, a week after registering, I was told that I would go home on Monday.  On Sunday, a lady doctor told me that she was going to take the wires out of my chest.  I thought that she meant wires holding my sternum together, but she gently withdrew two thread-fine neuro-electronic leads still embedded in my heart and protruding from my chest, that had been attached to the external pacemaker which restarted and controlled my heart.

A nurse/trainee removed the first 25 alternate of 50 tiny surgical staples holding the vein-graft site on the inside of my right calf, as well as 18 of the 36 staples on my chest.  Monday morning, a nurse-supervisor removed two non-dissolving sutures that closed two chest drainage holes.  The same trainee removed the last 43 staples, peeled off the EKG tabs that had been glued to me for a week, and removed the Just In Case IV shunt.  The son went to get the car.  An orderly wheel-chaired me to the front entrance, and I was finally on my way to home and freedom.

The hospital likes to release cardiac patients at the same weight they were when they arrived.  I arrived at least 20 pounds overweight.  Over 10 days, I lost 20 pounds.  I could wish that more disappeared from my tubby tummy, than from muscle and other tissue, but it makes it easier on my rebuilt engine.  It is not a weight-loss program that I would recommend, but the entire experience was well worthwhile.

Many Americans denigrate Canada, and our socialized medicine system.  It’s hard to estimate, but I’d guess that I was the recipient of $500,000 to $1,000,000 of time, talent, training, specialized equipment and supplies – and ten more years of decent life only cost me an outrageous $100 for parking.  If there are any other gory details you’d like to know, feel free to ask.

by

Blog Prompt: Do You Have Any Collections?

OH BROTHER, DO I EVER!!

This getting old shit is not for the faint of heart.  I have often whined said that I had to retire, just to have the time to drive the wife and I to all our medical appointments.  With all the medical advancements, she and I are working on accumulating a complete set of medical practitioners to keep us alive and mostly pain-free, if not exactly happy and healthy.

She and I have different GP’s, because our family doctor fired her because she was too needy, and the MD who took over the practice would not accept her back.  She and I have a common Chiropractor, and an Osteopath..  She and the daughter share the same Podiatrist.  She and I have the same dentist, but I have to drive the handicapped daughter across town, because our clinic will not deal with Government-funded clients.

I am on the client list of an Orthopedic surgeon, who installed my bionic shoulder, after I fell off my motorcycle.  He also replaced both the wife’s knees.  I have a thoracic surgeon who is monitoring my navel hernia.  I have a Urologist who monitors and prescribes for my swollen prostate.  The wife has a Nephrologist (kidney specialist) who monitors her under-functioning kidneys.  She must have lit a fire under the wife’s laissez-faire GP.  Suddenly, she was referred to the Stroke Detection and Prevention Clinic, a vascular clinic, and she got an echocardiogram at the same Cardiac clinic, but a month earlier than I was seen for my angina.  To chase ongoing, mild anemia, she was also referred to a Hematology clinic.

I’m still on the books, but I doubt that I will ever again see the neurologist who diagnosed my eye problem, some years ago.  He pulled a Bill Cosby, and is currently on trial for molesting 50+ young females.  He referred me to an Ocular surgeon at the eye hospital in London, Ontario, who did a retina tack.  Soon after, a local Ophthalmologist replaced my left lens.  Later, she replaced both the wife’s lenses, and recently, my right one.  The wife and daughter and I all attend the same Optometrist.  The wife still (occasionally) wears her hearing aids, but I gave mine up.  The better to ignore you with, my dear.

The wife used to visit a Physiatrist – a pain-management specialist – but he says he’s done all he can.  A local Gastroenterologist diagnosed the wife’s duodenal polyp, and referred her to another GI guy in Toronto to remove it endoscopically.  He passed the task off to yet another, young, female endo-surgeon at a different hospital.  Along the way, we’ve made the acquaintance of a smattering of anesthetists.

Twice, the wife has spent overnight at a sleep-study clinic for her apnea, so that the Government would fund a CPAP machine.  We have a firm which provides, maintains, and electronically monitors it, notifying her doctor if any serious change is noted.  After the wife’s fall, a medical supply firm came to the house and installed a bed-rail, and get-up arms on the toilet.  I installed a handicap rail on the adjacent wall.

Damn!  Ignoring the psychiatric section – perhaps not much longer – there are not many medical fields that we don’t cover.  Still, it beats the alternative.  Excelsior!  😀