Tag Archives: drugs

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Fibbing Friday #270

Pensitivity101’s theme last week was What The H?

1. What is halitosis?

Better than no breath at all

2. What is an hallucination?

A wet dream about Charlie Brown’s girlfriend.  Not me!!  I’m not into that sort of thing.  Tonight I hope to have a dream about Wilma Flintstone.  She’s kinda sexy in that fur bikini.

3. What is hell?

Hell is other people.
Hell is working in retail – on Black Friday.
Hell is being a Starbucks barista.
We can’t go to Hell – ‘cause we’re already there!

4. What is a hurricane?

A short stick with a curved top that helps old geezers like me to hobble a little faster

5. What is ham fisted?

That’s Cousin Clay, at any family Thanksgiving dinner.  By the time he’s got his Fair Share, the kids are eating tofu burgers.

6. What is the hokey cokey?

It’s a ritualistic little party dance, engaged in by revelers who absorb their recreational medication through their nostrils.  I was addicted to it for a while, (the dance!  Not the drug) but I turned myself around.  The hokey-pokey is a ridiculous little jail, like the one in James Garner’s movie, Support Your Local Sherriff.

7. What is hoosegow?

See above.  Great line from the movie, “He tricked me, Pa.”

8. What is a higgler?

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No Inspiration Found

9.What is a hogger?

I’ve already mentioned Cousin Clay.  He was recently escorted off an airplane because he was occupying two seats – only one of which he paid for.  The airline thought they were going to have to make two flights.

10. What is a hodge?

Also known as a longhouse, it was the communal housing building that the Squamish Indians of Canada’s British Columbia used to live in.  Nowadays, they all have nice, individual homes that are better than those of taxpayers who fund them.

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Don’t-Give-A–Shit One-Liners

Déjà Poo….
….The feeling of having heard this crap before.

Which essential oil is best….
….to get people to stop talking to you??

You know you’re getting old, when you run into your friends….
….at the pharmacy, instead of the clubs.

My wife asked if she had any annoying habits….
….then got all upset during the PowerPoint presentation.

The wife challenged me to make a pun about flowers….
….I rose to the occasion.

I hate it when people say, “Bite me”….
….then act all surprised.

I don’t need anyone to remind me how old I am….
….I have a bladder to do that for me.

If you’re a giver, remember to learn your limits….
….because the takers don’t have any.

My co-worker is in hospital after eating a bacon cheeseburger….
….It was mine!

In the US, people have the right to remain silent….
….but very few have the ability.

Respect people who wear glasses….
….They paid money to see you.

Sometimes you just look at people…
….and wonder how they fit all that stupid into one head.

My patience is like a gift card….
….not sure how much is on it, but let’s give it a try.

Teslas don’t come with a new car smell….
….they come with an Elon Musk.

The biggest irony is….
….getting hit by a Dodge.

I saw a sign that said falling rocks….
….so I tried it, and it doesn’t.

My wife is a sex object….
….Every time I ask for sex, she objects

A will….
….is a dead giveaway.

Bloody Millennials….
….walking around like they rent the place.

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Finally Fibbing Friday

This was Pensitivity101’s last FF before Christmas, so she was recycling her Panto questions from 18th December 2020.

I’m going to have some fun with these…. I hope

1. Why is a Pantomime thus called?

It is a small wardrobe – not a garderobe – where trousers are hung and stored.

2. Why was the White Rabbit late?

No, no!  It was my girlfriend who was late – and the rabbit died.

3. What happened when Aladdin rubbed the lamp for the first time?

A DIY happy ending

4. How many ugly sisters were there?

Enough to fill every club in Blackpool.

5. What did Jack exchange for the magic beans?

A lot of money, his job, his teeth, his health, and his self-respect

6. Why do they always shout ‘It’s behind you!!?’

Do these yoga pants make my butt look big??!  No, dear.  😮  Gluteus Maximus was not a Roman Emperor.

7. What was the house in the woods made of that Hansel and Gretel found?

Gluten-free gingerbread

8. Who owned The Mirror on the wall?

The god Narcissus, true father to all the Kardashians.

9. What was the name of Dick Whittington’s cat?

DOG!  He even wrote a song about it.

10. Who was Tinkerbell?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

RuPaul’s mentor

 

 

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Ten Nein Ate Fibbing Friday

Here are your ten questions from Pensitivity101 last week:

1.  Who invented Elf on the Shelf?

A father who hoisted his midget son up to the kitchen counter, but got interested in the game, and forgot to lift him back down.

2.  Have you been naughty or nice?

Yes to both – numerous times.  Santa’s list is clouded with cross-references.  I receive enough coal to run a small generator…. to charge my new Tesla.

3.  Who or what is The Beast from the East?

Lenin is gone.  Hitler is gone.  Heir-apparent is Putin – balanced by Trump in the west, to keep Earth from tipping over.

4.  Who was Santa’s Little Helper?

Meth!  Beans!  How else could the corpulent UFO pilot and his crew of illegal aliens work 24/7 for months??  😮

5.  What is a Yule log?

A list of all the stations, when, and in what order, the Christmas train will visit.

6.  What is marzipan?

It’s a small, independent principality, on the border between Namibia and Paraguay.

7.  What is Egg Nog?

A healthy excuse to drink copious amounts of rum.

8.  Why is there a fairy on the top of the Christmas Tree (be polite!)

See #7 – Egg Nog/Rum – above

9.  What are baubles?

It’s how we tell boys from girls – boys have ‘em…. girls don’t.

10. What is a tree skirt?

What a Scottish lumberjack wears

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Questionable Fibbing Friday

Here are Pensitivity101’s ten questions from last week. What do you make of these?

1. Airag

Most automobiles have inflatable, pillow-like devices that pop out to protect you in case of a collision.  Cheap Communist crap cars like Ladas, and Yugos, and Dacias just have a Kleenex-type dispenser that provides a tissue to mop up any bodily fluids.

2.   Balut

It’s the finest and most expensive type of caviar

3.   Beondegi

Would it be possible to have pancakes, waffles, or oatmeal for breakfast occasionally, instead of always scrambled, fried, boiled or poached??!

4.   Durian

Is a brand of condoms that have a strange, sharp odor,

5.   Escamoles

People who live in igloos

6.   Hákarl

Ceremonial suicide in Japan, to satisfy “Honour.”  Any lazy coward who would choose death, rather than atonement and reparation, is little-missed.

7.   Khash

It’s money in Afghanistan, based on camels and goats, instead of gold or silver

8.   Salo

That’s a ring around the toilet bowl.  A little Toilet Duck™, a stiff brush, and some incentive can quickly get rid of it.  So far, I’m 2 for 3.  😮

9.   Scrapple

That’s the full-contact, martial-arts version of the popular alphabet-based board game, that I play with some of the more irritating in-laws.

10. Stargazey Pie

It’s a stoner dessert dish with a hash-brownie bottom crust.  Finish a good-sized piece, and you’ll just lie back, staring up at the sky, muttering shit like, “Totally tubular, dude.”

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Sweet Mixed Fibbing Friday

Here are Pensitiviy101’s mixed bag of questions from last week:

1.What is a decibel?

The telephone in I Love Lucy’s apartment

2.  What is an imbecile?

The word is spelled incorrectly.  It should read MAGA.

3.  What is meant by an ‘impasse’?

Constipation

4.  What is a monogram?

Ingesting only a small amount of meth.

5.  What is smorf?

She was Papa Smurf’s grandma.

6.  What is a precedent?

See number 2, above – also, a multiply-convicted felon

7.  What is anaglypta?

She was Lolita’s younger sister in Nabokov’s novel.  Humbert Humbert (So good, they named him twice) was grooming her.

8.  What is a skewbald?

It is a lack of hair, caused by sleeping too long in a short bed.

9.  What are kitten heels?

Very much like bread loaf heels, these were the last little bits of cats and dogs, that Donald Trump said the Haitians in Springfield, Ohio were eating.

10. What is a pascal?

I’m not sure, but I think he must be pretty hot.  I hear that he’s a real blaze.

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Definitely Archon Fibbing Friday

Pensitivity101’s words were provided by Archons Den last week, but how would you define these?

1.Sonder


Yonder describes presbyopic, far-sighted people.  Sonder refers to myopic, near-sighted folks like Mr. Magoo.  Whatever they’re looking for, and can’t find, it’s never further away than the end of their arms.

2. Opia

He was Sheriff Andy Taylor’s son, on the Andy Griffith television show.

3. Monachopsis

A minor infectious disease, mostly suffered by socially active teenagers – also known as pink-eye.

4. Énouement

Dénouement is how a particular situation works out.  Énouement is about how it all started – often preceded by, “Hold my beer, and watch this.”

5. Vellichor

Three things don’t lie – small children, drunks, and yoga pants.  Vellichor is a new, wonder stretch-fabric that produces pants so tight that even I have trouble breathing.

6. Rubatosis

Just as Caesar crossed the Rubicon (River), and A Mighty Empire Fell, so, rubatosis is the unexpected, unwanted, life-changing result of making an important decision without enough forethought or planning.

7. Kenopsia

Kenopsia is the new Woke term for ‘manscaping.’  Everything looks nice and smooth “down there,” for female pedophiles.

8. Liberosis

He was Liberace’s younger brother, and dress maker.

9. Jouska

That’s the guy who supplies the ‘Roid Monsters’ with their illegal steroids.

10. Chrysalism

Chrysalism is when the pupa of a Woke influencer emerges as a social butterfly.

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Smitty’s Loose Change #26

THE CONTINUING STUPIDIFICATION OF AMERICA

If someone posts a ‘Don’t Do This’ warning, you can be sure that it’s because some idiot done it.
We recently purchased a new, matched pair of PetPro washer and dryer.  Each has a special filter to remove (pet) hair from laundry.  In large, bold letters, the operator’s manual for both clearly state

WARNING: DO NOT PUT PET IN MACHINE

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Americans put the month first in dates.  Europeans are confused to see 11/31/24.
I’d be confused too!  Thirty days hath September, April, June, and November.

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English cities whose names end in –WICK, come from “vicus,” which was the town that grew up around Roman forts – like Chadwick, or Warwick, which lazy British tongues have slurred to ‘Warrick.’  I had thought that cities whose name ends in –WICH were just examples of further linguistic evolution.

Recently the son read an article that showed that the term is Anglo-Saxon, and refers to places where salt is produced.  Sandwich was down at the seashore, and Woolwich – which lazy British tongues have slurred to ‘Woolich’, was probably near a salt-marsh, where sheep grazed.

Salt was rare, treasured, labor-intensive to produce, and expensive.  The word ‘salary’ is because Roman soldiers were paid, at least in part, with salt.  It gave rise to expressions like, Salt of the Earth, and Worth his salt.

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What are you curious about?
George – and Yellow.

What positive emotion do you feel most often?
I am positive that I’m sick and tired of these stupid prompts.

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My cat has eaten a part of my body.
One of my cats can occasionally be very insecure and demanding, wanting to be cuddled on my ample lap shelf, and firmly stroked, his spine thumped, nuzzled and purred to while he is purring at me.  Since we’re nose to nose, he does to me what a kitten would do to its mother; he licks around my mouth, down my unshaven chin, up my cheeks, across one or both eyebrows, and sometimes into my ear.  With a 60-grit rough tongue, he does a great job of exfoliating my face.  All those dead skin cells gotta go someplace.

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I recently downloaded the blog-prompt title, Scour the news for an entirely uninteresting story. Consider how it connects to your life. Write about that.  I may eventually do that.  Below it, I added a note – Magnet poles, meth-head panhandlers dozing off.  Ladies and gentlemen, this is why I don’t do drugs.  I have no F**kin’ idea what that means!!?  😮

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I just found a new record for the shortest chapter in a book – five words.
Joey and Tommy kept laughing.
It even had a chapter title LAUGHING – large print.
The action hero – the guy who takes on assassins, and squads of police – had to admit to his friends, how a 92-year-old woman knocked him down a flight of stairs with a walking stick that folded out to a seat, because she thought he was robbing apartments.  Semper paratus.

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How do Amish girls know if it’s a romantic, candlelit dinner – or just a regular dinner?

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Fibbing Friday Good For What Ails You

Last week Pensitivity’s questions were provided by Jim Adams. Thanks Jim.
These are all legitimate medications, but how would you describe them (does not have to be medicine)?

  1. Ciprofloxacin

The longest non-technical word in major dictionaries is flocci­nauci­nihili­pili­fication at 29 letters.  It is defined as “the act of estimating something as worthless.”  This word is its little brother – the Readers Digest condensed version that only refers to my inbred hillbilly neighbours.  They heard that 50% of automobile accidents occur within a mile of home – so they moved here instead.  Speaking of accidents – they must be referring to all their 9 kids.  No-one would have any of them intentionally.

  1. Domperidone

He was the drunken priest who invented champagne.

  1. Idebenone

This was my response, when the Mother-in-law asked how many would help organize their family picnic.

  1. Anakinra

That was Darth Vader’s twin sister.  It runs in the family.  The doctor told Little Lulu that, not only was she pregnant, and that she was having twins.  She laughed and laughed.  She knew she’d never been out on a double date in her life.

  1. Cisplatin

Dinnerware at a restaurant that doesn’t allow Trans diners, because they can’t afford to add a third washroom.

  1. Pancuronium

It’s the latest street scam – an inert, placebo pill – but the dealers claim that, “It’ll get you up.  It’ll get you down.  It’ll get you off!  For only $25 a hit.”  And they have gullible, repeat, satisfied customers.  Apparently there are only so many IQ points.  As the population increases, the average decreases.

  1. Xgeva

That’s the real name of the benevolent Nigerian prince.

  1. Dihydroergotamine

A Greek immigrant who won a lottery

  1. Bloxiverz

That’s when you ‘unfriend’ someone on Facebook, but they apologize, and you change your mind.

  1. Phosex

This is an immature, arrogant activity, indulged in by the likes of Anthony Weiner.  One little prick, sending women unwanted pictures of another little prick.

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Cycling Fibbing Friday

Pensitivity101 gave us more recycled questions from Teresa Grabs who was the Fibbing Friday originator:

1. What is the most intelligent life form on Earth?

Sasquatch, and their Asian cousins, Yeti, for staying so far away from humans that they are just rumors and myths.

2. Why did we really go to school?

So that Mum could congregate with the rest of the neighbourhood Wine For Lunch Bunch.  Sometimes mine would call Nan, and apologize.

3. What did teachers do during recess?

Lines!  Back in my day, it was Canadian Club.

4. How did you get to school?

With special dispensation from the local School Board, and only after Mom and Dad signed the Special Waiver, guaranteeing to hold them blameless.

5. What was life like before the Internet?

It was a lot like Real Life.  Since the advent of the Internet, it’s been a Cosmic Joke that no-one gets.

6. What is the best thing about social media?

Being able to opt out, and ignore its seductive siren call.  Using this life plan, I have personally rescued 47 IQ points from being destroyed.

7. What is your favorite thing to put chocolate sauce on?

That was a stripper Exotic Dancer, who called herself Cherry.  But that was long ago, and far away.  Now for an exciting evening, I put Ben-Gay on my right hip.

8. Doctors were all wrong…humans don’t need water. What do they need?

REVENGE!  👿  Tell the boss you don’t think that my work is up to company standard??  You’ll rue the day.

9. Dolphins are not mammals. What are they?

They are the Orca’s equivalent to the Internet.  If you are lucky enough to see one, it’s not just frolicking for humans.  It’s rushing an order to get Free Willy, tickets to the Taylor Shamu concert.

10. There is a Lost Dutchman’s Mine, but where is it?

The treasure-map said to go to the North Pole, turn west, and take 143 paces, but I think it’s up in Nelly’s room, behind the wallpaper.