Tag Archives: fines

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Festivus Fibbing Friday

Festive Fun this week…. last week….next week…. or not.
Classic Christmas hits, but can you suggest for Pensitivity101, alternative artists for them?

  1. Wherever you are

Mellow-toned ChatGPT, who has taken over from Ethel Snitfit, as the voice of my GPS/SatNav.  Ethel got us lost a few times.  Chat sounds great, but he don’t even know what continent he’s on.

2. Rockin’ around the Christmas Tree

A great cover has been released by the Alzheimer’s Chorus, down at the old folks’ home St. Andrew’s Terrace Retirement Village.  The high note was hit when the Support Animal cat got her tail caught under a chair.

3. That’s my Goal

This is a roundelay being done by select members of Man U (R a wimp), and Arseholes Arsenal.  Since they were already performing drama, by throwing themselves on the ground, and writhing like they’d been struck by a sniper’s bullet, they felt that they could make it a real soap opera by singing to the ref.

4. Mistletoe and Wine

I got my Bah, Humbug on, and recorded a copy of this song.  I want to kiss this commercial extravaganza goodbye for another year.  A cardboard box of Wal-Mart’s best red helps do that, and makes my voice sound better.  I recommend one for you, if you plan to listen to it.

5. I saw Mommy kissin’ Santa Claus

This was recorded by William Tell’s grandson, Isle Tell.  It hasn’t been released yet, even though I understand some money has changed hands.

6. All I want for Christmas

See #10:  This is a solo by Vladimir Putin, off the debut album.  The rest of the group had to let him have a solo.  They were busy closing and locking 5th floor windows so that they didn’t accidently fall out.  The chorus includes Belarus, Crimea, and Ukraine.  It’s hard to rhyme Oligarchy and World Domination in Russian.

7. Sound of the Underground

Lou Reed, when he was – Walkin’ on the Wild Side.

8. Jingle Bell Rock

Crazy Ray Stevens did a version of this some years ago.  He retitled it Guitarzan, (No he didn’t!  That was Ahab the Arab) and sang about Fatima of the Seven Veils, who had Rings On Her Fingers – And Bells On Her Toes – And A Bone Through Her Nose, Ho Ho.

9. Can we fix it

That is the Christmas dirge that my son sang when he was pulled over the (One too many) last time by a Highway Patrolman.
‘Dude, I have collected a complete set of demerit points.  If the increased insurance premiums don’t kill me, my wife will.  Isn’t there some way that this can just Go Away?…. A little seasonal honorarium?  A bit of Christmas cheerfull of anonymous cash??
He won’t have to worry about his wife killing him, at least for the 90 days he spends in the county nick, for attempting to bribe an officer.

10. Somethin’ Stupid.

Following in the famous footsteps of Bob Geldof and Band Aid, Donald Trump is assembling a super-group of world politicians.  This will be the album name, and the title cut.  So far, he has Boris Johnson, Justin Trudeau, Benjamin Netanyahu, and Vladimir Putin lined up, but dozens of other stupid assholes World Leaders are clamouring for inclusion.  The name of the group has not been finalized, but will probably be either Banal Ade, or Bandit Aid.

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2017 A To Z Challenge – B

Challenge2017

When I sieved out the following list of B-word prompts, I was struck by how many of them could apply to me.  Rather than choosing only one, here are some random thoughts about a few of them.

Bibliophile
blood
baggage
belief
bold
books
beach
barn
blog

Letter B

My home town is halfway up the East coast of Lake Huron, in Ontario. It has 3 miles of lovely warm, soft, white sand beach.  It has become a vacation haven, and tourism is a large part of its financial wellbeing.

The town to the south gets only 1 mile of shoreline. The tiny tourist village to the north sits in the center of 10 miles of sandy shore.  Access to the water is good, and the swimming is wonderful but, in both cases, the sand barely reaches above the water level, and their beaches are flat, hard and damp.

My mother constantly read to me as a child, and I learned to read quite young. I became a bibliophile, a lover of books.  I am also a logophile, a lover of words, but all the wonderful words are in the wonderful books, so we’ll discuss that later.

Ray Bradbury said, “Libraries raised me.” My tiny little town had a tiny little library, about the size of a medium house.  It was only open two days a week.  The volunteer librarian was a former teacher.  It was here that I learned early, the value of linguistic precision.

The fine for late books was 2 cents, biweekly.  The intent was for 2 cents, per book, for each of the 2 weekly open days.  I stood beside a man who went and got a dictionary to show the librarian that ‘biweekly’ also meant ‘every two weeks.’  He would pay 2 cents, but not the 8 cents that she demanded.

A local man became a mining engineer. He located an ore field in Northern Ontario, staked a claim, and sold the rights to a mining firm which would extract the minerals.  With the initial payout and ongoing royalties, he retired early, as the town’s richest resident.

He and his wife were great readers, but they never had children. When his wife died, and he was facing his own mortality, he donated a large portion of his fortune to the municipality, to be used to build a library in memorial to his wife.  We got a fairly large (for a small town) new library, right beside the Town Hall.  His bequest bought lots more books, and an annuity paid for hired staff.

When I moved 100 miles to Kitchener for employment, it was easy to pack my luggage. I had very little.  I also had to pack my baggage – my propensity for procrastination, my learning disorders, my neurological syndrome which causes poor physical control and lousy short-term memory, as well as my autistic-type inability to read social cues, and make and hold friends.

I am more methodical, determined, and tenacious; I would never be described as bold. Having survived an interesting, if not terribly thrilling life, now in the twilight of my years, I can put these thoughts and remembrances down, and publish them in my blog.   😀

 

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Institute Of Higher Learning

University

On the first day of college, the Dean addressed
the students, pointing out some of the rules:

“The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds
for all male students, and the male dormitory to
the female students.

Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined
$20 the first time.” He continued, “Anybody caught
breaking this rule the second time will be fined
$60. Being caught a third time will cost you a
fine of $180. Are there any questions?”

At this point, a male student in the crowd
inquired: “How much for a season pass?”

***

Little Johnny missed his final exam due to the
flu, but he’d done so well during the year that
the teacher suggested to the principal that they
gave him an oral exam to make up for the test he
missed. The principal agreed so they called
Little Johnny into the office and explained to
him what they were going to do.

First the teacher asked, “Johnny, what does a
cow have four of, that I only have two of?”
Little Johnny replied, “Legs.”

Next the teacher asked, “Johnny, what do you
have in your pants that I don’t have in my
pants?” Little Johnny replied, “Pockets.”

Finally the teacher asked, “Johnny, what is
the capital of Italy?” Little Johnny replied.
“Rome.”

The teacher turned to the principal and asked,
“What do you think, should we pass him?” The
principal replied, “Better not ask me, I got
the first two wrong.”

***

This guy keeps falling asleep in church and his
wife’s getting sick of it. She decides she’ll
bring a pin to church with her and poke him when
he starts falling asleep. They’re in church the next
Sunday and he starts falling asleep right as the
preacher’s saying, “and the Lord God created the
heavens and the earth.” His wife pokes him and
he jumps up yelling “HALLELUIA!!”

The preacher, looking startled, says “very good, very
good.” A little while later he starts falling
asleep again as the preacher’s saying, “and the
Lord parted the Red Sea for Moses”. His wife
pokes him and he jumps up yelling, “PRAISE THE LORD!!”

The preacher exclaims, “Very good, very
good!” A little while later he falls asleep again
just as the preacher says, “and what did Eve say
to Adam after they had their second child?” His
wife pokes him again and he jumps up yelling,
“STICK THAT THING IN ME AGAIN AND I’M GONNA
BREAK IT OFF!”