Tag Archives: fishing

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Out Of Control One-Liners

Does anyone ever….
….spiral into control??

The best way to watch a fishing tournament….
….is live-stream.

Due to recent budget cuts….
….the light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off.

My biggest fear about becoming a zombie….
….is all the walking.

I’m taking my red marker to the hospital….
….We’re going to draw some blood.

A day without beer is like….
….Just kidding!  I have no idea.

How do you make a waterbed more bouncy?….
….Use spring water.

I don’t snore….
….I purr with the force of 10,000 kittens.

Can we just agree that we’ve taken this, “Anyone can grow up to be President”….
….thing, way too far??!

Love means nothing….
….in tennis.

I’m done being a people-pleaser….
….if everyone is okay with that.

I tried to teach my dog to fetch….
….but he just doesn’t get it.

It’s time to plant….
….some more impeach trees.

I didn’t want to grow up….
….I just wanted to reach the cookies.

The world is a donut….
….and we are but holes.

I made a chicken salad yesterday….
….Turns out they prefer grain.

If a book about failures is a best-seller….
….is it considered a success?

It’s no longer called ‘box wine’….
….The classy term is ‘cardboardeaux.’

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Musical Fibbing Friday

Last week Pensitivity101 was inviting us to enjoy a musical interlude, but what alternatives can you come up with for these?

1. What is a French horn?

It’s a warning device found on every automobile driven in Montréal.  The brakes dey don’t work, eh?  Fix de horn.  Four well-marked lanes for traffic on one-way streets, and the traffic is five cars wide, driving them.  😮

2. What is a cornet?

It’s the cone that the Frogs French-Canadian Montréal drivers put ice-dream in, after a hard day of Demolition Derby on the streets.

3. What is a clarinet?

It is a free hair-management device that is included with some bottles of a certain women’s shampoo.  The wife has 8 or 10 bottles of different products.  It’s almost difficult to get into the shower.  She has shampoo, pre-shampoo, stripper, conditioner, shampoo with conditioner, straightener…. Etc. etc. etc.!  I have one bottle, of shampoo…. Actually, the label just says, Hair Cleaner.

4. What is a snare drum?

I set a wire trap to catch the neighbour’s cat which shits in the flower garden, directly under my front window.  I added a little noise-maker to announce when it was successful.

5. What is a viola?

New ‘Plastic’ bill version

She was Viola Desmond, Canada’s “Rosa Parks,” who brought racial integration to a Nova Scotia movie theater in 1946.

6. What is a double bass?

That’s when you catch two large fish in the same afternoon.

7. What is the difference between a Concert, Upright or Grand?

These are the differences among the many husband-improvement lectures that the wife provides, and depend on the level of my perceived sin, and whether her arthritis is flaring.  Some are long and lyrical.  Some are firm and clear, and then there’s the occasional five-act opera that ain’t over till the fat lady sings – and sings – AND SINGS!

8. What is campanology?

It is the information contained in a how-to booklet, which tells you how to erect a tent, and get a fire started.

9. What is a trombone?

Is what a guy gets, if he takes two Viagra pills.

10. What is are timpani?

This is the medical term for eardrums.  I called the tinnitus hotline…. But it just kept ringing and ringing….

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29 Fibbing Fridays

Sleepy Time

Not content with merely having us talk in our sleep, Pensitivity101’s partner in crime, Melanie wanted us to lie in our sleep.  Okay, so, Now I Lie Me Down To Sleep.  Sleeping is so easy that I could do it with my eyes closed.  Lying though….??   No Comment.

To sleep like a __________guy who has committed no crimes or sins.  See!  I told you I could lie.

Sleep is the best ____________excuse not to get all the tasks on the Honeydew list completed.  But sweetie, the doctor said that a man my age needs an afternoon power-nap.

Let sleeping __________politicians lie.  Most of them lie, whether they’re awake, or asleep.

I’m going to ______________ sleep much better when I substitute this Memory-Foam mattress for the hay.

Sleep like the ____________guy in court on a paternity suit.  The judge asked him, “Did you ever sleep with this woman?”  He replied, “Not a wink, Your Honor!  Not a wink.”

Go to sleep with the __________case of cold beers, and a fishing rod, in your boat.  Just hope you don’t have a startling dream or nightmare, or you’ll have to enroll in Christ’s Walking On Water School.

Catch some ___________shoplifters, because that’s your job as a Loss Control Officer, not napping, back in the stockroom.

Wouldn’t lose a moment’s __________ enjoyment at the sleep apnea clinic over it.  The techs come into your little bedroom during the night, to ask if you’re asleep.  That’s not creepy at all.  Then I no longer snore.  The seal on the CPAP machine facemask breaks, and does it for me.

Burn the ____________nearby covered bridge at both ends.  It’s like painting yourself into a corner, only you can get to sing Buster Poindexter’s song Hot! Hot! Hot!

Sleep with one ___________ computer tab open.  It’s the only way I know what I was working on last night.  At my age, the only time I can remember something, is if it’s happening right now.

I’m gonna take a nap and get some rest, to be ready for Monday’s post.  All this thinkin’ exhausts me.  😉

 

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Fibbing Friday In The News

Last week Pensitivity101 had her pensioner’s newsletter to thank for these questions.
What would you say these mean?

Scurryfunge – was the rush to get into these newfangled NFTs, “valuable” digital assets whose worth existed only in your imagination the electronic universe.  Only the scammers who started this fad ever made any money.  It’s the modern, digital equivalent of the old, Watkins Products, Fuller Brush, Mary Kay Cosmetics, and Tupperware pyramid schemes.

Dutch Feast – is an all-you-can-imbibe, promotional buffet, at any of the now-legal cannabis dispensaries.
Iktsuarpok – is a new medication that helps cure sex daily dyslexia.

Rakefire – was Mrs. Doubtfire’s cross-dressing husband.

Hufflebuffs – are nudist joggers.

Quafftide – is “Beer O’clock” on a fisherman’s boat.  Just as golf is a good, healthy walk, spoiled by having to chase and find a damned little ball, so too is fishing often spoiled by having to drop a hook into the water.

Kalopsia – is an inner-ear balance problem that renders a person incapable of staying on a horse.

Cover Slut – is any promotional piece – I refuse to regard them as news – about people like any of the Kardashians, or especially the serial monogamist, Taylor Swift.  18 guys she previously had sex with, and she makes money by singing about them.  We know what you are.  We’re just negotiating a price.  It’s a price I wouldn’t want to pay.

Toecover

I wore out the last pair, shuffling back and forth to the WC at night, so the daughter hand-spun me some wool, mohair and alpaca TARDIS yarn, and the wife knitted me another pair of keep the old codger’s feet warm so that he can sleep socks, for Christmas.

Wonderclout – is what my aunt had to do to her husband when he wanted to try to graze on the greener grass on the other side of the fence.  I don’t know if he was just too dumb to learn from experience, or if the first application sorta jarred him loose.  His ears looked like he’d gone 12 rounds with Mohammed Ali.

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Rather Fishy One-Liners

I used licorice as fish bait….
….I caught all sorts.

The swordfish has no natural predators to be afraid of….
….Except for the penfish, which is thought to be mightier.

Do you like steak jokes?….
….Good ones are rare.

I had to give up my vegetarian diet….
….They’re much harder to catch than cows.

Quantum Mechanics….
….The dreams stuff is made from.

If you break the law of gravity….
….do you get a suspended sentence?

On the depressing side of physics….
….gravity always brings me down.

With sufficient launch thrust….
….pigs fly just fine.

My attempts to combine nitrous oxide and Oxo cubes….
….have made me a laughing stock.

Why are the fronts of Apple Stores….
….all windows?

What are the names of the two guys standing by the window?….
….Kurt ‘n Rod.

I once wrote a story about a broken window….
….It’s saved in my drafts.

Your Honor, I never told this young woman that I would take her to Florida….
….I just said that I was going to Tampa with her.

We should take a more organized approach….
….to chaos theory.

What do you call a homeless horse?….
….Unstable.

The wife suggested we go to a costume party, dressed as pheasants….
….I’m game, if she is.

Scrolls were replaced by tablets….
….Tablets were replaced by books….
….Now we scroll through books on tablets.

Does anyone remember the chiropractor joke….
….I put it here, about a week back?

I’m heading down to the Autopsy Club later….
….It’s open Mike night.

I’ve been prescribed anti-gloating cream….
….I can’t wait to rub it in.

Just so that everyone is clear….
….I’m going to put my glasses on.

Went to see a play called Breaking Bones….
….Amazing cast.

The worst part of being addicted to apples….
….You can’t see a doctor about it.

Oh man, a hyperbole totally ripped into a bar….
….and destroyed everything.

This sentence contains….
….exactly threee erors.

A recent study by statisticians reveals….
….that the average person has one breast and one testicle.

😳

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Fibbing Friday In The Bag

Another mixed bag from Pensitivity101 last week. What would you say these words mean/are?
As always, I’ll be a week late with my untruths!

  1. Census

Those are the pennies that the Canadian mint no longer produces.

2. Probate

That’s when you don’t dig your own dew-worms for fishing, but have to buy them at the fishing tackle shop.

3. Bayou

I think that it’s a compulsive shopper who is addicted to Amazon, but Google claims that it’s one of the women who helped sew up some famous tapestry.

4. Crackerjack

(S)He’s a chiropractor.  If you think that I make strange, creaking and popping  noises when I stand or walk, you should hear the concerto that I produce when Doc Bones tries to Bend me – Shape Me.

5. Chirrup

One of the two things that hang down each side of a horse, to help you keep your fat ass in the saddle.
Also see: Ob-Gyn – Pap smear.

6. Fermium

It’s a French word of command.  Usage – Fermium la bouche!  Translation: Shut the Hell up!  Fermium la porte!  Translation:  I’m not heating the entire neighbourhood!

7. Surcingle

The perpetually ‘Nice Guy’ who is still permanently unmarried.

8. Withe

An astute sage with a bad lisp.  Isn’t it ironic that there’s an S in the word lisp?

9. Gainsay

Those that can – do!  Those that can’t – teach.  Those who can’t even do that – often get paid to lecture about it and give advice.
Reference – Catholic priests and birth control.

10. Titular

Someone like the big noise down at Sammy’s Strip Shoppe.  He’s the titular owner.

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Fishing For One-Liners

I’m not a catch….
….I’m a catch and release.

Give me ambiguity, or….
….give me something else.

I was a real dude before I got married….
….Now I’m subdued.

I was attacked by a herd of cows….
….I’m okay.  I was just grazed.

Tried to come up with a carpentry pun that woodwork….
….Think I nailed it.

Smile….
….It irritates the Hell out of people who want to destroy you.

Zombies….
….hate fast food.

You look like….
….I need another drink.

Remember when I asked for your opinion?….
….Yeah, me neither.

By the time I get used to how old I am….
….I’m ten years older than that.

Do I put down my age in Earth years….
….or joint pain?

I’m not saying I’m old, but….
….I just had to increase my font size to “Billboard.”

Three Senators walked into a bar….
….and nothing happened.  Ever!

Retirement….
….The staycation to end all staycations.

People who know the least….
….always seem to know it the loudest.

Give me coffee to change the things I can….
….and wine to accept those that I can’t.

Don’t play poker with an origami expert….
….All they do is fold.

Nowadays, the problem with letting myself go….
….is getting myself back.

My momma didn’t raise no fool….
….but if she did, it was my brother

Never stop being a good person….
….because of bad people.

I hate peer pressure….
….and so should you.

If I was music….
….I’d be a single.

I’m havin’ a crappy day….
….Please send cute pics of your credit card.

It’s amazing how different booty calling….
….and butt dialing are.

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I just read on MSNBC that actor, Jeremy Renner had been seriously injured in a snowplough accident.  Thousands of Americans are now confused.  What the Hell is a snowplug, and how do you get hurt by one??  PLOUGH??!  On MSNBC??!  Who do they think they are?  The BBC?  😕

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Fibbing Friday Noon

Sshhh!   Pensitivity101 wasn’t looking, and I had a chance to snaffle another list of things to lie about, which is better than just being a lazy lay-about lout.

  1. What is rolling stock?

It’s what a stoner keeps in his pocket – a little more openly, now that Canada has decriminalized the shit – some BC Gold, or Maui Zowie if he can afford it, and Zig-Zags.  I used to buy my grass from my German uncle.  I would only ask for the weed, just to hear him say, Papers??!
2.  What is a rolling deck?

That’s what a professional gambler uses to shear sheep separate the naïve hopeful from their paychecks.  In the hands of an adept card-sharp, (No, that isn’t spelled wrong.) those playing cards go more places than an IRS auditor.
3.  What is role play?

In the distant past, it was a method of improved, sexual enjoyment.  You put on your teeny bikini, and I’ll pretend to be the pool-cleaner guy.  Nowadays, it serves a more sedate purpose.  I’ll pretend to be Red Riding Hood’s Grandma…. and take a nap in the bed.  Don’t disturb me for about an hour.
4.  What is ‘on a roll’?

It’s how I want my garlic pork pâté, and baked Brie and red-pepper jelly, served.  Fancy crackers are okay, but they should be reserved for cheddar or Oka cheese, or smoked oysters.  After I finish grazing my way through the hors d’oeuvres, it’s where my elastic-band track pants rest.
5.  What does a rolling stone gather?

It used to be underage, willing eager groupies.  These guys have been around so long that recently, a spirit-channeller got a message from a T-Rex, saying, “Enough, already!  Retire!”  Now, it’s bionic joint transplants, an obituary notice for the one who can read a calendar, and one member’s father’s cremains.
6.  What is a rolling boil?

It’s what I reach, listening to/reading these scientifically-illiterate, anti-vaxxer morons.
I don’t want that stuff injected, because Bill Gates will insert tiny robots that can track me and know what I’m doing.
Do you own a Smart-Phone??!
Yeah.  Why?
Ha-ha-ha-ha!
7.  What is a rolling pin?

 

It’s what I hope to see after I toss a ball down a bowling lane.  Of course, whereas Canadians are nice guys, (sorry) we don’t have the balls to be bowlers like Americans.  Many of us use metric-sized balls to bowl five-pin games.
8.  What is a steam roller?

In the big-hair days of the 70s and 80s, it was what stylists used to create body.  They wrapped women’s hair around cylinders as big as a beer can, and stuck their heads into a space-suit helmet kind of thing that spewed hot vapor.  The beauty-seekers came out as fluffy and moist as rice buns at a Chinese buffet.
9.  What is a roller coaster?

Something like the patented Rolls-Cunardly children’s Curb Blaster scooter.  It Rolls downhill quite easily, but Cunardly make it up the next slope, so the rider remains just a coaster until the little screen addict actually puts some energy into their transportation.
10. What is a roller skate?

He’s a seldom-seen flat-fish character in the Sherman’s Lagoon comic strip.  He’s related to my earlier beach-ape Cruiser character , but didn’t have the ascendancy to evolve into a land creature.  He would love to be a high roller – sex, drugs, rock and roll, booze and gambling – but winds up breaded and deep-fried.

I decline to make any more statements, or answer any questions, until my lawyer gets here to inform you that I will be back on the straight and narrow in a couple of days – HONEST!  😉

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A Flash Of Humor

 

I was driving when I first saw the flash of a traffic camera. I figured that my picture had been taken for speeding, even though I knew I wasn’t. Just to be sure, I went around the block and passed the same spot, driving even more slowly. But again the camera flashed. Thinking this was pretty funny, I drove past even slower three more times, laughing as the camera snapped away each time I drove by at a snail’s pace. Two weeks later, I got five tickets in the mail for driving without a seatbelt.

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One day a preacher and a boy with his little red wagon were walking down the street when a wheel fell off of the wagon.  Goddammit! The boy exclaimed.

Son don’t you dare use the lord’s name in vain! You say ‘God bless! instead, the preacher scolded

The next day they’re walking and two wheels fall off of the little red wagon.  The boy caught himself after he said it – Ah goddammit….. Sorry!

The Preacher – Boy what’d I tell you?! You say God bless it when that happens and don’t let me hear you cuss like that again!  ……Yes sir, said the boy.

Day three rolls around and three wheels pop off the wagon.  God fricken dammit oh shi—SORRY SIR!

Boy this is the last time I’m gonna tell you to stop using the good lord’s name in vain! You say God bless it instead!!!

So the fourth day rolls around and all four wheels pop off of the wagon and the little boy paused for a moment – …….God bless it….

*All four wheels pop right back on the wagon*

The preacher – WHOA GAWD DAMN!

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Cop on horse says to little girl on bike, Did Santa get you that?

Yes, replies the little girl.
Well tell him to put a reflector light on it next year! and fines her $5.
The little girl looks up at the cop and says, Nice horse you’ve got there, did Santa bring you that?
The cop chuckles and replies, He sure did!
Well, says the little girl, Next year tell Santa that the dick goes under the horse, not on top of it!

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Three nuns were walking down the street each lost in introspective thought when a man wearing only a trench coat jumped out from behind a hedge and flashed the nuns. Well the first nun had a stroke! Then the second nun had a stroke as well. The third nun wouldn’t touch it.

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The wife stormed into the pub last night, as the boys and I were downing shots of tequila.
“You’re coming home right now.” she yelled.
“No I’m not!” I laughed.
She said, “I’m talking to the kids.”

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I told my wife I was going to pick up Beer and Pizza on my way home.
She probably regrets letting me name our sons.

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I’m just going to put an Out Of Order sticker on my forehead, and call it a day.

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There was a salmon fisherman who was out in the ocean fishing when his boat sank.
He was lucky enough to make to a deserted island where he had to survive on what he could find.
When the Coastguard eventually found him, the leader noticed there was a fire pit with California Condor feathers all around.

He went over to the fisherman and said, “You know, it’s illegal to kill a California Condor, I’m afraid I’m going to have to arrest you.”
The fisherman protested for some time saying that he killed it because he was going to starve but eventually he calmed down.
“Out of curiosity” the coastguard asked, “What did it taste like?”
The fisherman replied, ”Well, it was kind of a mix between a snowy owl and a bald eagle.”

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Flash Fiction #242

PHOTO PROMPT © Sandra Crook

SOMETHING’S FISHY

Fish – The only animal that grows to twice its size, between being caught, and being described.

Give a man a fish, and he’ll eat for a day.
Teach a man to fish, and he’ll sit in a boat all day and throw beer cans in the lake.

A Scottish fisherman was on his way home after a disappointing day, where he’d had, perhaps, a few wee shots of antifreeze.  Spotting a scarecrow in a field, he shouted, “Yerr a damned liar!”

Tranquility is knowing the difference between ‘fishing,’ and ‘catching.’

Think there’s something fishy about today’s philosophy episode??  Me too!

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Wanna join the fun??  Go to Rochelle’s Addicted to Purple site and use her Wednesday photo as a prompt to write a complete 100 word story.