Tag Archives: food

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’26 A To Z Challenge – C

STAT!
ASAP!
RFN!
QUIT LOLLYGAGGING!
GET A MOVE ON!

I needed an inspiration for a featured word for the letter C, for the ’26 A To Z Challenge, and I needed it

TOOT DUH SWEET

so I decided to go ahead without you, and I chose the word

CELERITY

This is not the crisp, green, hollow, vegetable sticks that you fill with Cheez-Whiz or peanut butter, and try to convince yourself or others that you’re eating healthy. This is the word that is related to accelerate, and means speed, swiftness, alacrity, haste, hurry, or hustle.

Like Speedy Gonzales said to his girlfriend, “This’ll be quick – wasn’t it?”  No sooner spread than done.  I’m gonna hurry on ahead, and get another killer Fibbing Friday ready for you.  Follow at your own pace. 😀

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Tex-Mex Humor

Instructor: Welcome to salsa class.  Who’s ready to learn how to dance??
Me: hiding bag of tortilla chips  There’s been a mistake.

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I have a mental illness that makes me think that people will change their minds if I present the correct arguments with the appropriate facts and data.

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We were doing icebreakers at a business meeting, and asked what everyone’s favorite Beatles song was.  The boss’s answer – “Satisfaction.”
No-one corrected him.

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A man walked into a medical clinic, and told the receptionist that he had a 1:30 appointment.  “Which doctor?” she asked.  “No thanks, just a regular one.” he replied.

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A bus station is where a bus stops.  A train station is where a train stops.  On my desk, I have a work station.

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I’m at that age where my mind thinks that I’m still 29, my humor suggests that I’m 12, and my body keeps asking if I’m sure I’m not dead yet.

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An antelope and a lion entered a diner and took a booth near the window. When the waiter approached, the antelope said, “I’ll have a bowl of hay and a side order of radishes.”

“And what would your friend have?”

“Nothing,” replied the antelope.

The waiter persisted, “Isn’t he hungry?”

“Hey, if he were hungry,” said the antelope, “would I be sitting here?”

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Fibbing Friday #315

Last week, Pensitivity101 thought it was time for a laugh. These were all popular comedy shows. If you didn’t know, what do you think they were about?

1. Bless this House.

A young priest, assigned to his first, small, rural parish, has a crisis of faith when he begins to doubt that God actually resides in the rectory with him.

2. The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air.

From the producers of the Miss Bel-Air Pageant, comes the male equivalent!   All those males strutting their stuff, and looking for the top prize, and all the ladies getting what they’ve wanted for so long!

3. Diff’rent Strokes.

A niche porn channel

4. Porridge.

A specialty Scottish cooking series, with titles like Haggis, and Groats

5. Only Fools and Horses.

This is a 30-minute, Canadian Broadcasting Corporation series about the daily debacles of Donald Trump, and his unstable stable of yes-men – with particular reference to Canada.  Adolph Hitler lost WW II when he opened up an eastern front by attacking Russia.  Trump has opened so many fronts – Canada, Venezuela, Iran – that his foreign policy is like a hospital gown.  He can’t cover his ass!

6. Happy Days.

When you actually get a good night’s rest, score some time to yourself, get all the things done, and/or have someone else do the cooking for supper!

7. The Golden Girls.

Another limited-audience (but not limited enough Ew!!  Ew!!) porn channel

8. The Good Life.

A vanishing breed in today’s world. It, like common sense, is no longer common!  With rising costs for food, fuel, housing, and other needs, affording those extras gets harder and harder these days.

9. M.A.S.H.

Some new cooking show on that specialty channel.
Making Appealing Supper Hampers

10. Cheers.

That was a 90-minute special on the Fools and Horses series, when Trump had to remove all tariffs, to avoid a palace coup.  (Et Tu, Brute?)  Rumor has it that there will be another, follow-up episode, when the Americans – politicians and populace – realize that we’ve sold our oil to China, our wheat to India, and our aluminum to South Korea.

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’25 A To Z Challenge – X

I have previously whined opined that I accept the inevitable evolution of the English language.  I just don’t want it to be led by guys with their name on their shirt.  HOLY SHIT!!  It just got even worse.  I recently ran into the Newspeak word

XERTZ

At first, I thought it might have something to do with new, electronic, micro-circuitry.  We should be so lucky.  The Earl of Sandwich invented a new type of food, because of his addiction to, and his refusal to leave, the gambling tables.

This word, which means, Xertz means to gulp or swallow something quickly, often in a greedy or hurried manner, similar to chugging or scoffing down a meal or beverage.

It is a (mostly) slang term, invented by gamers, who are addicted to, and refuse to leave, their precious keyboards, barely taking time to eat, drink, sleep, or attend to basic bodily needs and functions.

Heroin is not toxic, and by itself, will not damage the body.  All of the harm – physical, emotional, social, financial – is caused by distraction from immediate reality.  JUST SAYIN’!!

 

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F*#king One-Liners

I like to surround myself with people with extensive vocabularies….
….but still say fuck a lot.

If you crossed a fish with an elephant….
….would you get swimming trunks?

Fibonacci’s Soup ingredients….
….Yesterday’s soup – Day before yesterday’s soup….

If at first you don’t succeed….
….try twice more so your error is significant.

An expensive laxative will give you….
….a run for your money.

I have a joke about statistical analysis….
….but it’s mean.

Nothing tops….
….a plain pizza.

Why don’t people from India play soccer?….
….Because, when they go in the corner, they open a store.

The guy who invented the wind chill factor died….
….He was 87, but felt like 75.

Did you hear about the stockbroker who got electrocuted….
….when he shorted Tesla?

I am a bad influence….
….but DAMN, I’m fun!

I wrote a joke about the number 288…
….but it’s two gross.

I gave my History teacher a gift….
….but she didn’t like the present.

I have an economics joke….
….but there’s no demand for it.

Age is not a number….
….It is clearly a word.

I’m not old.  I’m only 39*….
….*plus shipping and handling

I woke up this morning, and nothing hurt….
….I thought I was dead.

I asked Siri a question about my life expectancy….
….She changed the subject.

Sign in store window, No Help Wanted….
….I’m going to apply.  I’d be great!

An Ampersand walks into a bar, and is served a free beer….
….A customer says, “Wow, he must be some kind of special character.”

I’m going back to the 80s….
….Anybody want anything?

If a grocery store has a section for health food….
….then what is the rest of the store??

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Fibbing Friday #286

Pensitivity101’s newsletter questions last week.
Let’s see what porkies you can come up with for these.

1. Which was the original sport in Ancient Rome?

He was Flatulus Maximus, always trying to get Vestal virgins to take a ride in his V8 chariot, and perhaps park in the dark, down by the Tiber, to watch the trireme races.

2. What’s a group of ravens called?

A Karen…. No, wait!  That’s backwards.  A group of Karens is called a Raven.  SKRAWK!  SKRAWK!

3. Which food stuff never goes bad?

THC gummy bears

4. “Your mother is a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries” is a line from which 1975 film?

Star Wars, when Yoda insulted Darth Vader.

5. Which country has the largest population of tigers?

It might be Russia, but they’re mostly paper tigers.  When the Ukrainians hand them their asses, they have been folded, stapled, spindled, and mutilated.

6. What kind of phone was invented in 1963?

A special pay-phone, where it cost Superman 25 cents, every time he switched identities

7. The VCR Recorder was introduced by which company?

No lie!  Not funny, just archeological truth.
The first successful VCR was invented by Charles Ginsburg and team at the Ampex Corporation in 1956 for professional use. The first iteration, like the computer, was so large it took up a lot of floor space!
It took almost 20 years for them to be able to size the mechanics down for home use.

8. What is a Haboob?

That’s the special costume at a Muslim strip joint.

9. Who is the oldest man to be named as People’s Magazine Sexiest man?

Janet Reno

The British publishing division awarded it to Theresa May.

10. Who recorded “Too young” in 1951?

Roman Polanski – Donald Trump did an updated version in 2024.

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Fibbing Friday #279

Mixed bag from Pensitivity101 last week, her apologies if some appear familiar.

1. What is an ingot?

That’s part of the national motto of the excitable bunch that live to our south.  They even put it on their money.  Ingot We Trust.  Everyone Else Pays Cash.

BONUS ANSWER: The daughter says that, because a bigot is a person who judges and hates everybody who isn’t exactly like them, an INGOT is someone with an open mind and open heart, who accepts others as they are, and values the differences.

2. What is a Pekinese?

The neighborhood pervert who’s always trying to get a look behind bedroom curtains

3. What is gumbo?

A stop-action cartoon character, played by Eddie Murphy, on SNL
I’m Gumbo, damn it!

4. What is crème fraiche?

That’s the latest cosmetic moisturizer, maybe from Maybelline

5. What is a patisserie?

A French petting zoo – of course, they pet frogs, and snails.

6. What is cock-a-leekie?

What my male Scottish terrier does to the neighbors’ mailbox post, when I walk him

7. What is a scotch egg?

The Scots are so cheap frugal, that their eggs only come 10 to the dozen.

8. What is a tuning fork?

Call me anything – except late for dinner.  You’re lucky you haven’t seen me eating, cutlery flashing in the light, moving so fast it’s striking sparks, and musical notes.  For poutine or chili fries, I can get up to a B-sharp.

9. What is a leprechaun?

A Korean with a necrotic flesh disease  Unclean!  Unclean!

10. What is a running flush?

The wife told me not to take that second, big slice of rhubarb pie

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Coup De Grace Comedy

One day a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw a guy eating grass. He told the driver to stop. He got out and asked him, “Why are you eating grass?”

The man replied, “I’m so poor, I cannot afford anything to eat.”

So the layer said, “Poor guy, come back to my house.”

The guys say, “I have a wife and three kids.” The lawyer told him to bring them along.

When they were all in the car, the poor man said, “Thanks for taking us back to your house; it is so kind of you.”

The lawyer replied, “You’re going to love it there … the grass is a foot tall!”

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(Remember, folks, HR is not your friend.)

Once management wants you fired, you’ll be fired!

A king had 10 wild ferocious dogs. He used them to torture and kill any minister that misguided him. A minister once gave an opinion which was wrong and which the king didn’t like at all. So he ordered that the minister to be thrown to the dogs.

The minister said, “I have served you loyally for 10 years and you do this?”

The king was unrelenting.

Minister pleaded, “Please give me 10 days before you throw me to the dogs.”

The king agreed. In those 10 days the minister went to the keeper of the dogs and told him he wanted to serve the dogs for the next 10 days.

The guard was baffled, but he agreed. So the minister started feeding the dogs, caring for them, washing them, and providing all sorts of comfort for them. So when the 10 days were up. The king ordered that the minister be thrown to the dogs as sentenced.

When he was thrown in, everyone was amazed at what they saw. The dogs were wagging their tails playing with the condemned minister, licking his feet.

The king was baffled at what he saw. “What happened to the dogs?!!!” he growled.

The minister then said, “I served the dogs for only 10 days and they didn’t forget my service. I served you for 10 years and you forgot all, at the first mistake!”

The King realized his mistake and replaced the dogs with crocodiles!

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’24 A To Z Challenge – X

I’ve already done a “Thanks For The Mammaries” post, so, if I’m gonna talk about melons, they better be the kind that grow on vines.  I once used Jimmy Durante’s sign-off line, Good night Mrs. Calabash, wherever you are, to respond to a commenter.  It caused some confusion because, unlike me, not many bloggers were born during the Industrial Revolution.  Calabash is a type of long, hard-shelled melon or gourd.

Words beginning with the letter X are thin on the ground – and up in the air – and in trees – and even in dictionaries.  INTERESTING words beginning with the letter X are even rarer.  After much debate, I decided on

XIGUA

When I first researched it, it was described as an African melon, but when I dived in deeper, it became an Asian melon.  Okay, – what kind of melon?  Large?  Small?  Long?  Round?  Soft-shell?  Hard-shell?  It turns out that it is a Chinese watermelon.  You know – the only fruit that you can eat, drink, and wash your face in.  The main difference between it and American watermelons, is that, instead of the inner flesh being red, it can be lemon-yellow, or a bright, lime-green.

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Pensioner’s Fibbing Friday

Last week the questions were courtesy of Pensitivty101’s works pension newsletter quiz.

1.  To the nearest mile, how many miles of nerves do we have in the human body?

I’m not sure, but that neighbour bitch is getting on my last one.

2.   Of the 300,000 different edible plants on earth, how many do we eat?

COWS EAT GRASS
I EAT COWS
I AM VEGAN!!

I did not claw my way to the top of the food chain, to eat crap that’s dug out of ditches – watercress, endive,  mint, nettles??!  A nice baked potato with my filet mignon, smothered in clotted cream with some chopped green onions is okay – along with perhaps some sliced cabbage Cole slaw.  Oats in my porridge, rye in my whiskey, wheat in my baps.  Brussels sprouts – little green brains.  Broccoli – the earliest GMO.  French beans are for Frogs who eat snails.

3.  What colour is snow on Pluto?

The snow underneath Pluto is yellow.

4.   What is the dot on the letter ‘i’ called?

Well, really, it’s Emily, but she likes to be referred to as Pangloss
.
5.   How many presidents of the USA died on July 4th?

Nobody, according to the current US Hierarchy!  They aren’t going to admit to anything that doesn’t benefit them.

6.  What does Pinocchio mean in Italian?

Pedophilic fetish

7.   What are the six official languages of the UN?

Coffee, tea, wine, vodka, sangria, and “hold my beer”

8.   What city was Italy’s first capital?

Italy’s first capital was LSD – Silver coins in Librum, Sesterces, and Denarius values – a system imitated by Britain, with their £ Pound, Shillings, and d pence.  It worked well for over 2000 years, until some carpet-bagger bureaucrat unified the country.

To prove that it was equal to France (a low bar – probably in Toulouse) he gave it the new Lira.  At first, I thought that the word meant that people could read his name on their new money, but it was just mumbo-jumbo-gumbo.  Mouthfuls of pasta devolved librum to lira.

150 years later, a new generation of Nigerian Prince con artist bureaucrat convinced Italy to join the EU, where everyone was equal, like Animal Farm, where some were more equal than others. From this side of the pond, I think that England was wise to vote Brexit..  They got to keep their dignity, as well as their monetary system.

9.   What does an average human head weigh?

Extraordinary human heads weigh deep, philosophical, socially-significant things like the total mass of dark matter in the Universe.  Average human heads only weigh things like, WTF!!  How in hell did Donald the Trumpet get elected president again??!

10.  Who was Spencer Perceval?

Alan Turing’s last boyfriend