Tag Archives: friends

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Altered Allegiance

 

I recently read a blogpost from a guy who said that it just added up that Mathematics was his favorite subject as a scholar.  Post-post-secondary education, he began to read more and more, and for personal pleasure, not just mathematical problems.  A train leaves Chicago at noon, heading west at 65 MPH….

He found that he really liked language usage, and that English had become his favorite subject.  Hey, any friend of English, is a friend of mine.  He said that he came to appreciate the puns, the alliteration, the similes, the metaphors, the rhymes, and the plot twists in Shakespeare’s plays.

SCUREETCH!!  WHUUUTT??

I think he oughta read his Shakespeare again.  Even though his plays were performed at the Royal Court, Wild Bill wrote for the groundlings – the very common commoners.  He was about as subtle as a brick through a plate glass window.  We never discovered at the denouément, that Ophelia was an LGBTQ water safety instructor, that Rosencrantz and Guildenstern were essential-oil MLM scammers, or that Yorick didn’t actually die.  He entered the Witness Protection Plan, and is happily working, making lingonberry Danish pastries in a little bakery in Copenhagen, under the name, Lars Larsen.

Read on, Macduff
I can never seem to get enough.

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Sad Comedy

A sad man walks into a bar and orders a whiskey. “Why so down?” asks the bartender. The man replies, “I lost all my money, and half my friends deserted me when they found out.” “Well,” responds the bartender, “At least you have your other friends.” The sad man sighs and says, “No. They just haven’t found out about it yet.”

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A Gorgeous Young Woman Is Standing At The Bar Of A Pub

She goes up to the man standing behind the bar and she grabs him by his magnificent and long straggly beard which goes way down past his waist

And she whispers to him in a seductive tone ‘are you the landlord?’

He says ‘no no, sorry, I’m just the barman- the landlord isn’t here just now’

As he answers, she keeps grabbing his beard, stroking it all over; tugging on it gently with every word as she whispers to him ‘do you know when the landlord will be back?’

He says ‘ehhhh no I’m not sure at all, sorry’

And as she continues massaging his facial hair she says to him ‘okay… well when you see the landlord…. You can tell him… There’s no paper towels in the ladies bathroom’.

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Relationship Arithmetic:

Smart man + smart woman = romance.
Smart man + dumb woman = affair.
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage.
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy.

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Fibbing Friday #281

Last week, Pensitivity101 hoped that we could get our fibbering hats on for this batch………….

1.Why did the chicken cross the road?

Because her friends were egging her on

2. Why are eggs oval in shape?

Because they’re a lot easier to lay than square ones.  If you think chickens squawk now….

3. Who said Humpty Dumpty was an egg?

Everybody who had Western omelets for brunch

4. What is fumigate?

A minor political scandal that took place in a seedy, rundown hotel in New Jersey

5. What is a wuss?

It’s a code word that means that the person who used it is socially illiterate and inept, and should be avoided if at all possible.

6. What is a spotter?

….Uh, something about Bill Clinton, and a blue dress

7. What is the speed of light?

It’s about how quickly green turns to orange, and orange becomes red, stranding me, while Willy the Wanderer blithely proceeds through, in front of an oncoming garbage truck.

8. What is a hangover?

See the definition of saga from last week.  I put a roof over my tool shed.

9. What is a grammy?

Definitely not my Mother’s Mother.  That lady was a stern and (Protestant) God-fearing woman, who insisted on respect and propriety, and whom I always addressed as Grandma.

10. What is Lycra?

It’s a plucked, string instrument, used by Erato and The Muses, to compose and perform the best Rock music in ancient Athens.

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Concept Blog

When I first began blogging, an online friend told me that I was in for some free psychiatric therapy.  I was reminded of his comment recently, when I accessed and read the following post which said, in its entirety:

CONCEPTUALIZE and understand
the storage of memories
many curves
mostly uphill
where are you going with your thoughts?
winged chariots
strong medications
long preserved virginity
how small the dead look
a fistful or two
people argue space
too little
for the great sweeps of time
colorless in death
the view from the grave
a different pattern of imagery

This looks like a shopping list of discussion topics for someone’s next psychiatrist, or psychologist, therapy session.  Maybe I’m too linear.  I know what every word means, but I have no idea what the author is attempting to say – or why.  I quickly exited the site, before some AI algorithm sieve got me listed in a potential terrorist watch-list, or tagged me for involuntary mental observation.

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Fibbing Friday #263

Last week’s questions from Pensitivity101 were provided by our friend Jim Adams. Thanks Jim!

  1. Who was buried in King Tut’s tomb?

General Ulysses S. Grant.  Only Grant’s horse, Bucephalus, is buried in his tomb.

  1. Why did the Sphinx have a lion’s body and a human head?

Because the Egyptians didn’t believe in Darwinian evolution

  1. What month of the year did the Nile River overflow its banks?

Thirty days hath Septober, April, June, and no wonder
all the rest eat peanut butter – except Grandma, and she drives a new Buick.
It was the month when the new shipments of beer began arriving, and the river became a little more yellow.

  1. How many gods did the ancient Egyptians worship?

Every one they could find – and a few they made up.  No internet back then!  No porn?  No Home Shopping Channel?  No online gaming?  They had to have something to do!

  1. How much makeup did Cleopatra wear?

Girl… She was the first influencer for the makeup brands of the day!
Using all the pretty layers to look and feel her best, not to mention protecting her skin from the ravages of the sun.

  1. How long was Nefertiti’s neck?

As long as she was alive.  She wanted to be head and shoulders above the commoners, but she only accomplished the head part.

  1. Why did the Egyptians walk so strangely?

Sand in their burnoose

  1. How many pyramids did they build?

Oh wouldn’t you like to know!  The sands of time have hidden more than we have found and we’ll just have to wait until they decide if we are worthy of getting them back!

  1. What was Ramses II known for?

Condoms

  1. What did the Egyptians do in Karnak?

They watched Johnny Carson’s Tonight show, on Funk and Wagnall’s front porch.

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No-One Lives Forever

The wife is normally so oblivious to social, political, and historical occurrences that, if Gabriel were to blow the last trumpet, if one of her friends didn’t post it on Facebook, she’d miss the free ride.

Somehow, she happened to read on Tic-Tac, that there was a big, pro-Trump outdoor rally in Pittsburgh.  A group of anti-Trump protesters entered the public square.  Words were exchanged – and insults, and fisticuffs, and blunt objects, and sharp objects, and gunfire.  Eventually, the referee Police riot squad got them back to their respective corners.

Now she fears politics, outdoor rallies, discussion, division, debates, dissension, riots, police actions, injury, death, and accidental, wrongful imprisonment.  She is afraid and unwilling to visit any country where the name Donald Trump has been uttered.

I can only hope that her concerns are somewhat allayed, and she changes her mind by the time I’d like to visit Commenter-Supreme, John Erickson, in his Amish Paradise, in early October.  I don’t feel that you can just hide in a hole, and pull it in on top of you.  Nobody lives forever – and that ain’t living.

Shortly before our already scheduled and booked visit to the United States years ago, a couple of weeks after 9/11, there was a bomb scare at the church we attended, and an explosion at a recycling plant on the property adjacent to the son’s factory.  Wish me/us good luck, and bon voyage – or Gemütlichkeit, if you want to sprain your tongue.

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Ask – And You Will Be Answered

Interview someone — a friend, another blogger, your mother, the mailman — and write a post based on their responses.

A Friend – Am I as crazy as I believe you think I am??!
We did not become friends so that you could get free psychotherapy.  Swallow the meds that you can take with alcohol, and break us each out a tall-can of that good, dark ale.  After a few of those, we’ll know which one – or both – of us is crazy…. But it won’t matter.

Another Blogger – Can I ask you a few questions?
Uh…. Possibly….  What questions?
Damned if I know!  I’m just supposed to interview someone.  The prompt didn’t say what it was supposed to be about.  A lot of times, I just question myself.  Sometimes I have answers.  Sometimes I don’t.  Are zebras white, with black stripes – or black, with white stripes??  If a centipede a pint, and a velocipede a quart, how much would a precipice??!

Your Mother – Mom, I’d like to ask you some questions. Mom??  Mommm??!….  I don’t think this Ouija Board thing is working.  Do I have to move it nearer to the cemetery?  I wonder what their Wi-Fi password is.

The Mailman – Can I ask you a few questions about your job?  How did you become a postman?  How big is your bag??  Do you like your job?  What is the greatest benefit, and disadvantage?
ALL INQUIRIES ABOUT CANADA POSTAL SERVICE MUST BE MADE IN TRIPLICATE – ONE QUESTION PER ENVELOPE, BY REGISTERED MAIL.  EACH SUBMISSION MUST BE ACCOMPANIED WITH A $25 CERTIFIED CHEQUE – MAIL TO CANADA POST 199 OVERLOOK AVE, OTTAWA, ON.  QUESTIONS MAY ALSO BE SUBMITTED ONLINE @ canadapost.fu/disdain  PLEASE HAVE VALID VISA, MASTERCARD OR DEBIT HANDY

No wonder I talk to myself.  I’m the smartest guy in the room.  Speaking of which…. Could somebody let me out??  This canvas jacket is beginning to chafe.  😮

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The Key(board) To Comedy

My wife told me she’ll slam my head into the keyboard if I don’t get off the computer.
I’m not too worried.
I think she’s jokindkdkslalkdlkfjslfjslksdlkfjuahehwhgwdklaljdf

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A man holds-up a bank. After he has the money, the bank robber lines up the hostages and asks the first one, “Did you see me hold up the bank?”

The man says, “Well, sure I did,” and the bank robber shoots him.”

The bank robber then asks the second man, “Did you see me hold up the bank?”

The man says, “No, no, no. I didn’t see a thing. But my wife here, she sees everything.”

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A minister begins his sermon. “Dear Lord,” he said with arms extended and a rapturous look in his eyes, “Without you, we are but dust “

He would have continued but at that moment, one little girl who was listening carefully to the minister leaned to her mother and asked loudly, in her shrill little voice,

“Mommy, what is butt dust?”

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I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.

“This is Penny.” I said, introducing my daughter.

“And what’s Penny short for?” he asked.

“Because she’s only five”

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A teacher says to his straight-F pupil, “With grades like this you’ll never achieve anything in your life. You’ll end up a loser”

Fast forward 20 years later. Retired teacher is deadly ill, only a very risky and expensive surgery can save him.
It happens that the best surgeon in the country knows the old man and agrees to save him for free.

After surgery, when teacher wakes up, the grown-up straight-F student comes into the recovery room.

He unplugs the life support and plugs in his vacuum cleaner.

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A teacher gave her class of second graders a lesson on the magnet and what it does.

The next day in a written test, she included this question:

“My full name has six letters. The first one is M. I am strong and attractive. I pick up things. What am I?”

When the test papers were turned in, the teacher was astonished to find that almost 50 percent of the students answered the question with the word “Mother.”

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Telemarketing One-Liners

How many telemarketers does it take to change a light bulb?….
….Only one – but he has to do it while you’re having dinner.

My colonoscopy wasn’t the most fun I ever had….
….but it was way, way, up there.

Who was Alexander Graham Kowalski?….
….The first telephone pole.

Can someone tell me what the lowest military rank is?….
….Every time I ask, they say, “It’s private.”

Some years ago, I discovered the meaning of Life….
….Unfortunately, I forgot to write it down.

A true friend is one who thinks you are a good egg….
….even if you’re a bit cracked.

I’d rather be “Over the hill”….
….than under it.

I was asked to name all of Canada’s Prime Ministers….
….I thought they already had names.

At an interview: Describe yourself in three words….
….Me: Not good with numbers

I always wanted to be someone…..
….Now I realize I should have been more specific

I did my first nude painting today….
….The neighbors aren’t happy, but the front door looks great.

If I’m reading their lips properly….
….the neighbors are arguing about some creepy guy next door.

I am a Ripple-Dip-Chip….
….strangely curved, and extra salty.

I joined a procrastinators group….
….It’s called “Wait Watchers”

Some days, the supply of available curse words….
….is not sufficient to meet my demands

I don’t know what my ‘spirit animal’ is….
….but I’m pretty sure it has rabies.

I hate people who use physically-impossible metaphors….
….They make my blood boil.

What do you call someone who only believes 12.5% of the Bible??….
….An Eighth-eist

I ate Rice Krispies as a kid….
….now when I stand, I “Snap, Crackle, and Pop.”

Turns out a home DNA kit….
….is not a good baby shower gift.

I recently tried to write a book on plants….
….I should have used paper.

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Soup, To Nuts

We often give one set of neighbors some Christmas gifts, in the hope that they won’t bother us the rest of the year.  It seems to be working.

He has IBS – Irritable Bowel Syndrome, and can’t deal with gluten.  We usually take over a variety of our home-made Christmas cookies.  He appreciates the gluten-free meringues and oat delights.  This year, her Father came for a visit from the Buffalo area, and remained longer than usual, perhaps because of the huge storm that area got.  We made sure there were enough extra cookies for him, too.

This year, she retaliated.  Just because one of her ancestors united Italy into a single country, she returned the cookie tin after New Year, full of home-baked anise biscotti.

Hubby would also appreciate an occasional beer, but most beers have gluten in them.  There is a brewery in Montreal that specializes in gluten-free beer. They give it the cutesy name of Glutenberg.  They make a variety – lagers, ales, lights, darks – even alcohol-free.  The only one available locally is the lager.  Specially-brewed, it is fairly expensive.  The son gets him a four-pack of king-cans that cost $18 Cdn.

Work-at-home employees, or people who are laid off, or quit because of COVID, many might like a nice hot bowl of soup, or stew, or pasta, beside them while they remote-slave for the boss at the computer, or couch-potato binge-watch themselves into blessed oblivion.

She sewed up the above quilted, cute, Bowl Buddies, and gave us three of them – two alike, for the wife and I, and a different inner liner for the son.  I need three two hands to move something like soup or stew without spilling it.  I can’t just cup it.  The work-from-homers should perhaps keep their hot meal out of web-cam range, and might need to turn off the audio while they’re slurping their hot lunch during an online Zoom business meeting.

I doubt that she thought up these things herself.  Have any of my crafty viewers run into anything like them??  What do you think of them – good idea, or not??  😕

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Now that I’ve actually done my own research, rather than relying on the goodness of others, I find that they are available on ETSY, for $14.06/ea – I assume USD.  There are also Bowl Buddies that will help you clean your toilet, and Bowl Buddies that keep your dogs from slopping water on the floor, so accept no substitutes.  They are reversible – so you can slop up both sides before laundry day.  Like me, she was searching for something on Etsy, and came across them.  She’s working from home, getting her day’s work done in half a day.  She said that she’s bored, and has a sewing machine, so she made them herself.  Anyway…. Chili for lunch tomorrow.  😀