Tag Archives: grammar

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WTF One-Liners

How many teenage girls does it take to change a light bulb?….
….Whatever!

I have an entomology joke….
….but it clearly bugs everyone.

I retired when I started going blind….
….I just couldn’t see working any longer.

Have you played the updated kids game….
….I Spy With My Little I-Phone?

DRAMA, The word boring people use….
….to describe fun people.

I’m not saying that your perfume is too strong….
….I’m just saying that the canary was alive when you arrived.

I like older women, because they’ve got used to life’s disappointments….
….which means they are ready for me.

Life without women would be a pain in the ass….
….literally.

I saw two guys wearing matching clothing, and asked if they were gay….
….They arrested me.

I think sex is better than logic….
….but I can’t prove it.

I’m at the age where….
….I can’t take anything with a grain of salt.

You know you’re getting old when….
….you can’t tell the difference between current band names, and typos.

What’s something you’re too old to do?….
….Give a shit.

The wife claims I turn everything she says to my advantage….
….I take that as a compliment.

Before I got married, I didn’t even know….
….there’s a wrong way to put milk back in the refrigerator.

I was an English major in college….
….in case there’s ever an emergency involving a comma.

Knock, knock….
….Who’s there?….
….To….
….To, who?….
….To whom.

I went to the world’s greatest psychic, and knocked on her door….
….She said, “Who is it?”

I admit that I live in the past….
….but only because the housing is so much cheaper.

Instead of saying “like,” I now say “such as”….
….because I such as to sound smart.

User: The word computer professionals use….
….when they mean, “Idiot!”

How many chiropractors does it take to change a light bulb?….
….Only one, but it takes eight visits.

Last week I spotted an albino Dalmatian….
….Seemed like the least I could do for him.

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Childish One-Liners

I now have three great-grandkids….
….OMG, LMAO, and WTF!

If the lawn mower cuts your toes off….
….don’t come running to me.

Geologists explain earthquakes….
….using faulty logic.

When I turned 70, I couldn’t recognize letters close up….
….but I can still recognize idiots from a distance.

Did you hear about the semicolon that broke grammar laws?….
….It was given two consecutive sentences.

How many grammar teachers does it take to change a light bulb?….
….Too

When I was young, there were only 25 letters in the alphabet….
….Nobody knew Y.

Did you know that cowboys’ relationships….
….tend to be stable.

Would you call a cowboy’s clothing….
….ranch dressing?

Once a month, women go crazy….
….for 30 days.

Have you ever seen fruit preserves being made?….
….It’s jarring

In order to have a Murder of Crows….
….there must be probable caws.

A group of crows is a murder….
….A group of Karens is a Migraine.

I told the wife that ‘awesome’ ends with ME….
….She replied, ‘But ugly starts with U’

I don’t advertise my lip-reading business….
…..It’s all by word of mouth.

I joined a dating site for people my age….
….It’s called Carbon Dating.

I asked a woman for her number….
….She said it was 140 over 80.

I took a quiz online, “What’s your spirit animal?’….
….Mine was extinct.

I stopped going to church….
….when the Pastor fell asleep during his own sermon.

How important does someone have to be….
….before they are “assassinated,” rather than murdered?

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25 A To Z Challenge – F

I have foregone a binge-watching marathon of all the Fast and Furious movies, to bring you this fabulous word that you think you know, but don’t.

FELL

Oh sure, clumsy clod, tripped over the floor and landed – SPLAT!! – on his face.  Nah…. That’s the verb form.  I’m talking about the archaic adjective version, which means cruel, or ruthless.  Unlucky people were said to be forced to live in fell circumstances.  Since both of those could involve quick treachery and betrayal, it also came to mean sudden.  The carefully coordinated police drug raids rounded all the dealers up in one fell swoop.

I was going to offer you more information that you could actually use on Wednesday, but my blog is on an exercise kick.  After I exercise my right to Freedom From Religion, I’m going to Hop, Skip, and Jump over to Fibbing Friday.

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To Put It Another Way – IV

Now that Agent Orange has been re-elected, here’s a post about what some of his supporters have said.

Pros

There’s an asteroid hurdling toward Earth – I’m going to jump over here, out of its way.

In order to fein a suicide – $10 word – a 37¢ spelling of feign

She had a crude debt of $287,000 –an uneducated and ill-mannered financial obligation

It has never boated well – and that usage did not bode well.

Amateurs

Sewn into the seem of my t-shirt – It seems like it should be seam.

Now selling medical marinara – potential buyers probably won’t notice the spelling.

You are doing a fanaminal job – It’s just not in spelling.

The city is in term oil – Well, lube up the dictionary, again.

Why do they always dial ate my eyes – So you can see that it’s dilate.

I guess I’m just ovary-acting – Sure you are…. Bob

The wife enters as I leave, or visa-versa – and your vice is misspelling

The dinosaurs wen’t extinct – all killed by a greengrocers’ apostrophe.

I have my suspensions that the cat – My suspicions are suspended.

In this SA I am going to discuss – I have no words to discuss his essay.

Office colosed for hafan hour – it doesn’t take close to half an hour to correct that.

It’s just a bunch of golly book – That sounds like gobbledygook to me.

I was a wafer the weekend – and away for a lot of English classes.

If door doesn’t open, giggle the knob – Hah, that’s a laugh

The rain all afternoon Lowe’s the temps – I blame that one on Autocorrect – and inattention

Whoever sat there rilly enjoyed the show – Really, really enjoyed it.

I repeat the nice seeing cream every day – I bet the Catholics are happy about that.

Free fire would – That just burns me up.

The woman mazed a dog – I’m amazed she didn’t use Mace

A couple of methods heads were fighting – see what drugs will do to your language

When I learned you couldn’t spell, I lost entrance – Okay, that one’s a joke…. Barely.

Remember you’re shopping bags – No, I’m not.

Respect are country, speak English – oh deer

You would thing that they just lobbed the top off – Toss in your own jokes.

Hall your pickup – down a long, narrow passage

He rode his bike pasted the car – I’m glued to that story.

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Decidedly Bad One-Liners

I just need one more bad decision….
….and I’ll have the complete set.

I told people I wanted to be a comedian….
….but everyone just laughed at me.

My entire life is out of whack….
….More whack have been ordered.

The baseball player shut down his website….
….because he wasn’t getting any hits.

No man goes before his time….
….unless the boss leaves early.

I was going to do a post about anti-climaxes….
….

….but in the end, I didn’t.

Words can’t express how much….
….I hate World Emoji Day.

I love crossing bridges, so I did a post about it….
….Now it’s been targeted by trolls.

I can’t even be bothered….
….to be apathetic these days.

I want to get rid of crosswalks….
….and replace them with happy walks.

Hedgehogs should learn….
….to share the hedge.

I bet they call it almond milk….
….because nobody can say “nut juice” with a straight face.

My wife texted me, “I wish you were here.”….
….She does that every time she visits the cemetery.

There’s nothing like sitting around an open fire….
….watching the evidence burn.

Emotional baggage is….
….just a griefcase.

If you try to correct my grammar….
….I will think fewer of you.

My dentist asked me to open up….
….and now I can’t stop crying.

The opposite of formaldehyde….
….is casualdejekyll.

I am excited!  I got the first item on my bucket list….
….I have the bucket.

Success is 1% inspiration….
….98% perspiration….
….and 2% attetion to detail.

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To Put It Another Way III

 

Another (hopefully humorous), headshaking report about the havoc that some folks wreak upon the poor English language.  One blogger tried to justify using ‘affect’, instead of ’effect,’ “because I’m a bad speller.”  ‘Neice’ instead of ‘niece’ is bad spelling.  Many of the following examples are the wrong words – the wrong meanings!   Some of them aren’t really words at all.  Hang on, here we go.   😮

Pros

He inhaled the oleo of aromas – Olio, olio – oxen free

The most reknown of all battle cries – It was well-known that the word was renowned.

A beam of light shown from the open door – It’s been shown that it shone.

The Panzer tanks were arranged in a leaguer around the camp – I’ll bet a lager it was a laager.

Coyotes develop an infinity for beer and motorsports – and an affinity for misusage.

With the advent of chemical dies – I would die if I didn’t spell it dyes.

What a thoroughly incite full commentary – full of something – just not insight

Security guard gets paper sprayed – I take that with a grain of salt

Amateurs

Clear ants sale – I’m glad we got rid of them.

Out of hot chocolate.  Sorry for the innocence – But you’re guilty of no hot chocolate.

The pickup had the right away – Right away, look up right of way.

You are stupid and a literate – takes one to know one

I read his a bitch you worried in the paper – I almost died too.

Don’t let the past make you’re dicisions four today – That home-school decision sucks

She ordered chicken sees her salad – and I almost had a seizure, laughing.

He was in otter shock – If he was a cow, he’d be in udder shock.

If you eat peanut butter, you go into intergalactic shock. – I know I’m shocked!

That joke was a Larry us – but not as hilarious as that phrase

Is that toe food? – No, that’s tofu.

I was sick, and coughing up flame – because the cold was dragon on.

I’m an avoid reader – I can see that you avoid reading.

I’ll snatch you ball-headed – If you pull out all my hair, I’ll be bald-headed.

I tolled him about his mistake – did you toll him about yours?

Bicycle for seal – my seal prefers a scooter

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What Does This Say About You – II

Another assault on the English language, proving that some people talk a good game, but can’t write it down fer shit.

Pros

This made Warner Bros. very weary of its prospects – I’d be wary about using weary.

She had several nervous ticks – but they knew how to spell tics.

After given it all up – but he wasn’t giving up poor spelling.

When you grab your first prise – I prize correct spelling.

Throw off the wheel breaks, and let it fly – I hate to break it to you, but they’re brakes.

Around twice the volume of Lake Eerie – Now, that’s scary!

He graves the cover of Celebrity Scarves – By the grace of ??!, I hope I don’t.

This gave children had access – to too many words.

His name was never been established – Live by the word, die by the word.

Before he was Marchty McFly in ‘Back to the Future’ – he spelled it Marty.

Helen Mirren treaded the boards – In my dictionary, she trod them

Name Genellan means truley, wisedom, attractive speecher – truly, an attractive speaker with wisdom would spell better.

Amateurs

The driver was sighted by police – looking up the meaning of cited.

Out of no wear, and unprovoked – He probably got break-checked.

There was a girl who’s name was Ada – but whose textbook disagreed.

Most of the mails in the family are overweight – and have been, for a long wrong spell.

Watch her poor it into the cup – It’s a cupful of poor spelling

Horses lay down.  Don’t call 911 – That sign is wrong.  No lie.

Imagen being placed in a suit – Just imagine if you spelled it correctly.

I was going to be solved like a rubix cube – you spelled Erno Rubik’s name wrong.

Did you spot the head not? – I did nod spot it.

I was in otter shock – I bet the otter was shocked, too.

He just couldn’t phantom the idea – It was too deep for him – an entire fathom.

She was upsest with Bon Jovi – not angry – while I was obsessed with that misspelling.

He banged his head, and got a Caucasian. – Rats!  I only got a concussion.

I saw the meatier shower last night – It was perverted.

Make the right decition – I decided to spell it decision.

She wore her sexy linguini – Ooh, edible undies, how kinky.

She ordered chilled Gestapo soup. –  I hope not in a Jewish neighborhood.

Blow something into a Bolivian – Oblivion!  The word you want is oblivion.

😮

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Insider One-Liners

 

The fridge is a perfect example of….
….What’s on the inside counts.

I wish more people were fluent in silence.

The days of good grammar….
….has went.

Do more things that make you….
….forget to check your phone.

It’s a good thing farting isn’t….
….contagious, like yawning is.

I don’t have all my ducks in a row….
….I have squirrels, and they’re at a rave.

I’m into CrossFit….
….I cross my fingers and hope my jeans still fit.

On the surface: Cool as a cucumber…
….Underneath: A squirrel in traffic.

Well! Well! Well!  If it isn’t….
….the consequences of my own actions.

My body has absorbed so much sanitizer….
….when I pee, it cleans the toilet.

The buttons on my jeans are taking….
….this social distancing thing too far.

Don’t blame others for the road you are on….
….That’s your own asphalt.

Don’t be ashamed of who you are….
….That’s your parents’ job.

Me; This show is boring….
….My boss; Again, this is a Zoom meeting.

I looked up my symptoms on Google….
….Turns out I just have kids.

Mental note….
….Real notes work much better.

Everybody’s been talking about….
….your paranoia.

Don’t worry, password….
….I’m insecure too.

My personal style is best described as….
….”Didn’t expect to get out of the car.”

Never give your printer a hint that you’re in a rush….
….They can smell fear.

Pros and cons of making food….
….Pros – food
….Cons – making

My recliner and I….
….go way back.

Life is just a series of obstacles, preventing….
….me from taking a nap.

My Friday was going pretty well….
….until I realized it was Thursday.

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Smitty’s Loose Change #20

So there I was, minding my own business, living my best life when all of a sudden this old guy snuck up behind me and took over my body.

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The wife recently told me that there could not be a city in Turkey, or Iran, or Spain, founded 2000 years ago, that the city of Vidalia, in Georgia, named itself after – because the people in Georgia had it trademarked.

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We must share space on this planet.  We have no good reason to make any appeals to anything supernatural, or to God(s), so it is up to us to work together, co-operatively, to resolve our differences and make the world a better place.  If answers are going to come, then those answers will come from humans.

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Dear Lord!  I just got a 7200+ word porno spam, with 57 segments, and links to a wide variety of kinky fetish sites.  It took me three days to read it all, coz I can’t last that long.   😉

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This has to be one of the best grammar posts I’ve ever read. The way you artfully included each error in this post is almost like art—a true God given talent. I am quite obsessed with grammatical errors ever since my professor at one of my past colleges told us to look for a grammatical error in real life and send him a picture of it for extra credit. I am now inspired myself to make a post about grammar. You’re doing the lord’s work

Perhaps you’re right. Every time I boast to the wife that I’ve found another one, she does a facepalm, and mutters, “Dear Lord.”

She don’t know me very good, do she??!

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Among other things, Guru Food Products manufactures Energy Bars.  They must be healthful, possibly organic, and good for you.  The advertising blurb on the side of the box, seen at a Wal-Mart checkout line, says that they are – Made In Plants.

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A world without God or purpose may seem harsh and pointless, but that alone does not require God to actually exist.

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Gently urged by legislation, local businesses are (finally) eliminating single-use plastic items.  Earlier, they charged 5¢ for plastic bags.  Many people began bringing their own cloth bags, but many more happily paid the price.  Now local stores only offer paper bags.  The discount store charges 10¢/ea and the big supermarket charges 15¢.

Plastic drinking straws have disappeared.  I’m glad I have a few heavy-duty ones in my glove compartment, which I bought at the Dollarama last year.  In my youth, we had wax-coated paper straws.  The new paper straws are not coated.  You’d better suck up your iced coffee quickly, or they disintegrate.

Closers on bags of bread and buns are now made of grey-board (multi-layer paper).  I eat very little bread.  A loaf might last me a month – if I freeze it, bringing out a couple of slices at a time.  Paper closers do not survive well in the freezer.  Again, I trade them out for plastic ones that I saved earlier.

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Funny You Should Mention One-Liners

If only my cache of completed trivia posts would expand as quickly as my wasteline waistline.  In lieu of some questionable memories and claims, I offer a collection of dubious jokes.

Clowning with One-Liners

The only clowns that I’m afraid of….
….are the ones running for President.

Is your refrigerator running?….
….Because I might vote for it.

All this political talk….
….is giving me an election

If only snooze minutes were….
….as long as microwave minutes.

Step aside coffee….
….This is a job for alcohol.

Does struggling to put on your jeans….
….count as cardio?

Use promo code “Netflix”….
….to get 50% off your social life.

The days of good grammar….
….has went.

Dear Math….
….Grow up and solve your own problems.

The only thing I gained in 2021….
….was weight.

I’m not passive/aggressive….
….unlike ‘some’ people.

No matter how kind you are….
….German children are kinder.

Always remember, You’re unique….
….Just like everybody else.

Six out of seven dwarves….
….aren’t Happy.

I can rise and shine….
….just not at the same time.

Beer is like pouring smiles on your brain.

Parked car conversations….
….are unofficial therapy sessions.

Farts are just ghosts….
…of the things we ate.

My favorite flavor of cake….
….is more.

Yes, I’m into fitness….
….I’m fitness whole taco into my mouth.

Tequila tastes like….
….I’m not going to work tomorrow.

The worst part of parallel parking….
….is the witnesses.

After Monday and Tuesday….
….even the calendar says W T F!————-