Tag Archives: handguns

by

TILWROT VII

I read a sword-and-sorcery fantasy book in which paladins were repeatedly mentioned.

Off down the rabbit hole I went.

Things I Learned While Researching Other Things

The modern definition of paladin, is guard, or protector.  It comes from the 12 mythic, ninth-century knights of Emperor Charlemagne of France, who went around rescuing maidens, slaying dragons, and protecting abused peasants – the story of Camelot, King Arthur, and Lancelot and the boys, but told in French.  It comes from palatin, a guard at the Roman Emperor’s palace, on the Palatine Hill.

In the westerns-littered late 1950s, there was a somewhat different TV series.  The protagonist passed out business cards which read HAVE GUN, WILL TRAVEL- wire Paladin.  I always thought that Paladin was his name.  Either my parents did not know the meaning of the word, or they thought that 10-year-old-me already did.

This character was the man with no name, 30 years before Clint Eastwood’s. It was never given.  In one episode, an interested bystander asks him what his name is.  He merely replied, “Paladin,” earning the snarky response, “Of course it is.”

With his quick and deep brain-power, he was more of a frontier private investigator, than a gunfighter.  Aside from his formidable wits, his main armament was the Colt Peacemaker .45 caliber Cavalry model, six-shooter revolver.  It had the 7-1/2 inch barrel, 2-3/4 inches longer than the standard Gunfighter model.  Not exactly like Lee van Kleef’s 12 inch Buntline Special version, but capable of discharging bullets at a higher speed, and accurate at greater distances.

One of three books written about the character, and the series, suggested that his name was Clay Alexander, and that he was a college-educated graduate of West Point, but no other information source close to the production verifies that.

by

’25 A To Z Challenge – T

Laziness….
Distraction…. Blah Blah
Procrastination…. Blah Blah Blah
Lack of dedication and co-ordination…. Blah Blah Blah Blah
YouTube Videos…. Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah
Final – desperate – commitment to a promised schedule

Why does the U.S. have so many mass shootings – particularly at schools?
If you put too many rats in a cage, they will start fighting and biting.
There are shootings and gang warfare in slums because the overcrowding does not give the young, (predominantly) males any feeling of worth and individuality.

A hundred years ago, politics was a gentleman’s game.  One referred to members of the other party as, ‘My esteemed colleague,’ or ‘My respected opponent.’  It was almost impossible to tell a left-leaning Liberal

TWEEDLDEE

from a right-leaning Conservative

TWEEDLEDUM

Nowadays, with division, fighting, and polarization, they can easily be told apart.  Tweedledees carry Colt pistols, and Tweedledums carry Glocks – Into the Legislative chambers – and refer to anybody who isn’t ‘them,’ as an adversary, or enemy.

C’mon guys!!  For the good of our countries, you gotta go along, to get along.  The Time Machine’s Eloi and Morlocks are starting to look distressingly prescient.  😮

by

A Picture Of Comedy

The nude model climbed up the ladder
As the painter, Titian, had bade her.
The position, to Titian
Suggested coition,
So he climbed up the ladder and had her.

***

My desire to be well-informed, is currently in deep conflict with my need to remain sane.

***

I found a magic lamp, and a genie gave me one wish.  I said, “I just want to be happy.”  So now, I’m living with six other guys and working in a mine.

***

Beware of holiday scams out there.  I ordered some expensive jewelry for my wife, but instead they sent me a handgun and two boxes of ammo.

***

A hillbilly couple with 9 children finally decide to get Bubba a vasectomy.  The doctor is willing to do it, but asks why, after 9 kids.  They explain that they heard that every 10th child in America is Mexican, and they don’t want to take a chance on having a Mexican child, because neither of them can speak Spanish.

***

Long ago, when men cursed, and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft.  Today, it’s called golf.

***

Mildred, the church gossip and self-appointed monitor of the church’s morals, kept sticking her nose into other people’s business.  She made a mistake, however, when she accused Frank, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup parked in front of the town’s only bar one afternoon.

She emphatically told Frank (and several others) that everyone seeing it there would know what he was doing.  Frank, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just turned, and walked away. He didn’t explain, defend, or deny the accusation. Instead, he said nothing.

Later that evening, Frank quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred’s house, walked home, and left it there all night.

by

Fibbing Friday #260

Last week the questions were from Pensitivity101’s monthly newsletter

  1. Who made the first manned hot air balloon flight in 1783?

That was Donald Trump’s great-great-grandfather.  He was giving an extended oration in Ulm, about making The Germanies great again, from a small rostrum with a light, linen pavilion over it.  Finally, all that inflamed rhetoric began to accumulate, the canopy filled with his hot air, and like Ed Asner in the animated movie, he floated Up and away, leaving some in his audience muttering about delusions, egos, and bankruptcies.

  1.  Which is the more widely used around the world, cow’s milk or goat’s milk?

Probably cow’s milk, because the average cow produces the weight of two goats in milk each day, but with Woke, and Veganism, it’s losing ground, being replaced by soy milk, almond milk, rice milk, oat milk coconut milk, and hemp milk.

Soy milk is its largest competitor, because it’s readily available all through Asia.  But soy milk contains chemicals that mimic the female hormone, estrogen, producing passive, peaceful, and patient behavior.  You don’t see soy-milk cheese slices on Trump’s, or Putin’s, McDonald’s cheeseburgers.

  1.  What does the word “Canada” mean?

“Donald Trump’s whipping boy”

  1.  True or False, an adult male baboon can kill an adult leopard?

True!  Especially in States that allow concealed carry without a license.

  1.  Which U.S. State has the nickname “Hawkeye”?

That would be Maine, where the most famous character in the M.A.S.H. book/movie/TV series hailed from.  It wouldn’t be Iowa.  That’d be just nuts.

  1.  In which decade of the 19th Century did Christmas Day become a national U.S. holiday?

The Festival of Conspicuous Consumption??  It was probably the final decade, but it was the one when Madison Avenue stopped selling us what we needed, and could use, and started selling us on the idea that there were things that we should pay outrageous prices for, so that we felt good about ourselves, and looked good to other people.

  1.  Which strong cheese, made from ewe’s milk and stored in caves, is named after a village in France?

The village is Gruyėre, and that is the name of one of three types of cheese made near the Swiss Alps.  The little holes in the cheeses are actually part of the cave, which has been shrinking over time.  In ten years they will have to be made in Emmanuel Macron’s basement.

  1.  Who painted “Whistler’s Mother”?

A little bourbon, a little grass, a little acid, a little body paint – coulda been anyone.  Coulda been everyone.  Probably was.  She doesn’t know who Whistler’s Father was.

  1.  In Denmark they are known as “laks” what are they known as in English?

Toupees, or wigs

  1.  Approximately what percentage of humans are left-handed?

It’s about 10%, but it would probably be higher if it weren’t for the number of southpaws that right-handed tools slay each year.  Right-handed scissors, in left hands, kill more people than fentanyl overdoses.  Right-handed can openers cause lefties to die from frustration and heart attacks!

by

Jock Humor

A Scotsman and his wife walked past a swanky, new restaurant.  “Did you smell that food?” she asked.  “It smelled absolutely incredible.”  Being a kindhearted Scotsman, he thought, “What the Hell, I’ll treat her.”  So they walked past it again.

***

The wife screamed, “I can’t believe you’ve been visiting prostitutes for sex!”
I replied, “You can hardly blame me.  It’s not like I’ve been getting any from you.”
“Well, that’s your own fault.” she said, “You never told me that you were willing to pay for it.”

***

According to a recent survey, women say that they are more comfortable undressing in front of a man than a woman.  They said that other women are judgmental, while men are just grateful.

***

I’m on a worldwide quest to find Bigfoot.  Originally I was going to search for cheap gasoline, but I thought I should keep my goals reasonable.

***

I told my wife that I’ve always fancied Beyoncé.
She said, “Whatever floats your boat.”
I replied, “No – that’s buoyancy.”

***

Have YOU had to walk 500 miles?
Were you advised to walk 500 more?
You could be entitled to compensation.
Call the Pro Claimers NOW.

***

WARNING: If you get a link called ‘free porn’ dont opin it. It is a birus wich deactivates your spelcheck and garblis up you riting. I also receibed it but lukily I dont does porn so I dint opin it. Plaese warm yu frends!

***

A guy walks into a bar and begins waving a handgun around.  He shouts, “I’ve got a .45 caliber Colt 1911A, with an 8-shot clip, and one in the chamber, and I want to know who’s been sleeping with my wife.”
A voice from the back says, “You’re going to need more ammo.”

***

Two guys are out playing golf

Jim and Dave are playing golf one day when they come to the 8th hole there are two women teeing off.

Jim turns to Dave and says “Go ask if we can play through”

Dave takes off towards the two women but only makes it about ten paces before he turns around and comes back

“What’s the matter?” Asks Jim

“Well you see one of those women is my wife and the other is my mistress.” replies Dave

“I see” says Jim as he heads off to ask the women if they can play through, like Dave he takes about ten steps then returns to Dave and says “small world.”

by

Law-Abiding Comedy

Police Officer Test

How do you tell the difference between an English police officer, a Canadian police officer, an American police officer, and a Scottish police officer?

QUESTION: You’re on duty by yourself (Don’t ask why.  You just are, and your Sergeant hates you) walking on a deserted street, late at night.  Suddenly a huge man with a knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, and lunges at you.  You are carrying your truncheon, and are an expert at using it.  However, you only have a split-second to react before he reaches you.  What do you do?

ANSWER:

BRITISH OFFICER
Firstly, you have to consider the man’s civil rights.
1. Does the man look poor or oppressed?
2. Is he newly arrived in this country and does not understand the law?
3. Is this really a knife, or a ceremonial dagger?
4. Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack?
5. Am I dressed provocatively?
6. Can I run away?
7. Could I possibly swing my truncheon, and knock the knife out of his hand?
8. Should I try and negotiate with him and discuss his wrong-doings?
9. Why am I carrying a truncheon anyway, and what kind of message does this give to society?
10. Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content to merely wound me?
11. If I were to grab his knees and hold on, would he still want to stab and kill me?
12. If I raise my truncheon and he runs away, do I get blamed if he trips, falls down, smacks his head, and dies?
13. If I hurt him and lose the subsequent court case, does he have the opportunity to sue me, and cost me my job, my credibility, and my family home?

CANADIAN OFFICER
THUMP!!

AMERICAN OFFICER
Bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang!!
Click, reload.
Bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang!

SCOTTISH OFFICER
Haw, Jimmy..  Drop the knife noo, unless ya want it shoved up yer arse.

by

Son Of: Humorous Answer To A Seriously Stupid Question

 

Ohh….  Did the big, bad firearm scareums??  Here’s a bit of facts and truth to calm you down.

WHY DO GUN NUTS INSIST THAT THE AR15 IS SEMI-AUTOMATIC, WHEN IT IS CLEARLY FULLY AUTOMATIC, WITH A HIGH CALIBER MAGAZINE?

It is clear that the Federal Government has passed legislation, banning the production, sale, and possession of fully automatic firearms, except for specially licensed groups, such as police or Armed Services.

It is clear on the manufacturer’s website where they state that, as a good, corporate citizen, not to mention avoiding being prosecuted for a Federal crime, the AR15 is available only as semi-automatic.

It is clear that the actuator switch on the side of the receiver does not have an indication for fully automatic firing, unlike its big brother, military model.

The “AR,” of AR15 does not stand for Assault Rifle!  The manufacturer is Armalite, and it is an Armalite Rifle.

It is clear, when you reached the point of over-emotionally ranting about the high caliber magazine, that you really don’t know what you’re talking about.  “CALIBER” refers to the diameter of the bullets fired, not the magazine.  The Army has changed from ammunition that kills the enemy, to stuff that just annoys them, and ties up four support staff, for every wounded soldier.  The 5.56 mm slugs that the AR15 fires equal .223 Caliber – barely barn-rat plinking size.

If you meant a HIGH CAPACITY magazine, I suppose that 20 rounds might seem like a lot to a rube whose chickens only lay a dozen eggs at a time, but the Army has 30, and 50-round banana-clips, and 100-round drum-mags.  Perhaps you could make it clear why, despite all of the above data, you insist on claiming that it is fully automatic.

It is clear that Chicken Little wants the rest of us to help him run around, shouting, “The sky is falling!  The sky is falling!” but the vast majority of us are too busy laughing at idiots like him and Flat Earthers, to be bothered.

***

Personally, I think that most AR15s are purchased as a penis-substitute, by insecure men, but if you’re going to campaign against them, the least you could do is some research, to get your arguments correct – or just be honest.  That would be novel.  🙄

by

Humorous Answer To A Seriously Stupid Question

WHY DO GUN NUTS INSIST THAT THE AR15 IS SEMI-AUTOMATIC, WHEN IT IS CLEARLY FULLY AUTOMATIC, WITH A HIGH CALIBER MAGAZINE?

Well, bless your poor little dumb-ass heart, Sparky! The old “full-auto / high caliber clip” argument, huh? I do think that people can be so, SO ignorant that they have no idea just how truly ignorant they are, and this ‘question’ here is a prime example. You are the type of person that would try to fill a Tesla up with diesel because you know it doesn’t run on gasoline.

You can’t help but to stare at the orange juice carton because it says “concentrate”. It takes you 3 hours to watch “60 Minutes,” and an hour to make Minute Rice. When you saw a sign stating “under 17 not admitted” at the movies you went out and got 16 friends. Hell, you sit on the TV and watch the couch, and you are absolutely sure General Motors was in the army.

When you missed the #66 bus, you took the #33 bus twice instead. If someone gave you a penny for your thoughts you’d have to give back change. You’d have to increase your IQ by a good 40–50 points just to have dementia. When someone gives you a piece of paper with ‘please turn over’ written on both sides, it’ll keep you entertained for hours. You stuck a phone up your ass to make a booty call and you even asked somebody what the number was for “9–1–1” so you could have it ready in case you needed it for an emergency. Similarly, you had to ask someone how to spell “TV”.

Particularly fitting, you were once stabbed at a shootout. When you heard that 90% of all accidents happen in the home, you immediately moved, only to realize you had to move again…and again…and again. When you see someone doing something dangerous and they tell you “don’t try this at home”, you walk over to your neighbor’s place and do it. Hell, when you saw a sign that said “Airport Left” you turned around and went back home! You even climbed over a glass wall to see what was on the other side.

Under “education” on job applications you put “Hooked on Phonics”, then at the end where it says “sign below”, you put Libra. You never could get it through your little head that “Tupac Shakur” wasn’t a Jewish holiday, and you take a yardstick to bed to see how long you sleep. Hell, you locked yourself in a bathroom and pissed all over yourself. If you spoke your mind, you’d never have a single damned thing to say.

You once got locked into a mattress store and slept on the floor, and you tried to kill a bird by throwing it off a cliff. You even bought a solar powered flashlight. You looked in the lake a while back, saw a reflection of yourself, then jumped in and tried to save yourself from drowning. You think that the way to leave a voicemail is to scream into a mailbox.

FROM THE SUBLIME TO THE RIDICULOUS

I was going to add some serious thoughts and rebuttal to that silly claim above, but this post is already long enough, and you’re in no condition to take them seriously.  I’ll make it a two-parter.  Keep your eyes peeled for my logic and facts post.  No, no! Don’t do that.  They’ll get all dry and irritated.  😉

by

One-Track One-Liners

I was going to tell a railroad joke….
….but I lost my train of thought.

If you can’t hear a pin drop….
….there’s something wrong with your bowling.

Everyone is saying that stealing is wrong….
….Personally, I don’t buy it.

When I was young, I felt like a male, trapped in a female body….
….then I was born.

Do gun manuals have….
….a troubleshooting section?

Taco emergency?….
….Call 9 Juan Juan.

I just heard that the government is banning Roman numerals….
….Not on my watch!

My dad always said, “Work till your bank account is a phone number.”….
….After years of hard toil, my balance is $9.11.

I’m not very good….
….at self-deprecation.

Theists keep telling us that Jesus is coming back….
….but he wasn’t nailed to a boomerang.

Arguing with your wife is unwise….
….Even if you win, you lose.

It’s better to be pissed off….
….than on.

If you don’t know what introspection is….
….you need to take a long, hard look at yourself.

What’s the difference between a good joke….
….and a bad timing?

Shouldn’t cookies….
….be called ‘Bakies’???

What’s the hardest part of being a Vegan?….
….Apparently, keeping it to yourself

Dim light bulbs, or bright light bulbs….
….Watts the difference?

I told her my name was Heath.  She said her name was Heather….
….I said,  ”This isn’t a contest.”

Bacon is 73% fat, and very salty….
….Me too, bacon!  Me too!

What kind of lights were on Noah’s Ark?….
….Floodlights.

“Your resume says that you take things too literally.”….
….”When the Hell did my resume learn to talk?”

by

Adolescent Humor

Two boys were arguing when the teacher entered the room.
The teacher says, “Why are you arguing?”
One boy answers, “We found a ten dollar bill and decided to give it to whoever tells the biggest lie.”
“You should be ashamed of yourselves,” said the teacher, “When I was your age I didn’t even know what a lie was.”
The boys gave the ten dollars to the teacher.

***

I’ve got to the age where I’ve gone from, “Maybe you shouldn’t say, or do, that.” to, “Oh Hell, let’s just see what happens!”

***

Three pastors in the south were having lunch in a diner.
One said “Ya know, since summer started I’ve been having trouble with bats in my loft and attic at church. I’ve tried everything—noise, spray, cats—nothing seems to scare them away.
Another said “Yea, me too. I’ve got hundreds living in my belfry and in the narthex attic. I’ve even had the place fumigated, and they won’t go away.”
The third said, “I baptized all mine, and made them members of the church. Haven’t seen one back since!!!”

***

A nun went into a liquor store and asked for a bottle of whisky.
“Whisky?”, the assistant asked, “I thought you nuns didn’t drink!”
“We don’t”, the nun replied, “This is for the Mother Superior’s constipation!”
She bought the whisky and left.
Later that night the assistant saw the same nun dead drunk on a park bench.
“I thought that was for the Mother Superior’s constipation?”, he said.
“It ish.” she replied, “When she sees me like this, she’ll shit herself!”

***

A 70-year-old lady was stopped for speeding.  The police officer asked for her relevant documents, and she handed them out.  As he was going through them he remarked, “I see a concealed weapon carry permit here.  Do you have a firearm in the vehicle?

“Oh yes.” she replied, “I have a 9 mil in my purse, a magnum in the console here, and a .45 in the glove compartment.
Stunned, he said, Wow!  Three guns in one car!
She responded, “Well, I also have a pistol-grip shotgun in the trunk.”
“Jeeze, lady”, he said, “who are you afraid of?”

“NOBODY“