Tag Archives: jokes

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Exercising Humor

I do sit-ups every morning.  That may not sound like much, but there are only so many times you can hit the snooze button.

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Given the success of McRib, McDonalds is considering a new sandwich made entirely of beef lips.  They plan on calling it the McJagger.

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My father always complains about the cost of food. “$4 for coffee is ridiculous!” “$6 for a turkey sandwich is outrageous!” That’s the last time I invite him to stay over at my house….

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Track coach: Now run like the wind.
Dude from Oklahoma: *spins*

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A husband and wife are out shopping, looking at home décor items. The wife sees a rug that she likes and points it out to her husband, “What about a rug? I like this one here.”

The husband takes a look at the rug, then lovingly responds to his wife. “Honey, no rugs. If you’re going to fly, it’s going to be with a broom, like your mom.”

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I am giving up drinking alcohol for the month of January.
Oops. Sorry. Autocorrect did that wrong.
I am giving up. Drinking alcohol for the month of January.

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A crew is flying a plane.  The captain gets up and says to the young co-pilot: “Alright kid, I’m going to use the toilet. While I’m gone, think about this — will the total weight of the plane go down while I’m in the bathroom?”

The rookie’s sitting there all serious, thinking it through:

“Hmmm… the toilet’s a closed system, so technically the poop stays on board. Therefore, the weight shouldn’t change.”

The captain comes back, and the kid proudly gives his answer.

The captain just shakes his head and goes, “You idiot! Of course the plane got lighter — it’s been burning fuel while I was gone! You’re over here thinking about crap instead of aviation!”

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Fibbing Friday #318

Pensitivity101 had a mixed bag of daftness last week. Your input on these please.  My output on these, thanx!

1. What is a tandem?

That’s how/when I disappoint two women in the same bed

2. What is a periwinkle?

Rip van Winkle’s metrosexual grandson

3. What’s the difference between a pitcher and a ewer?

A pitcher is a guy who throws the ball in an American game, so I assume that a ewer is a ball-hurler in the British sport.  Their games take so much longer because spectators need more time to figure out just exactly what a Silly-Mid-On is.

4. Who was Penelope Pitstop?

She was/is the female Transformer – Optimus Prime’s girlfriend.  A guy needs a lube-job and a refueling, after saving the planet.

5. What is pigeon toed?

It’s why they have to land and walk around on the ground, instead of lighting on power, or telephone lines.

6. What is a toupee?

It’s an alien creature from the planet DuPont, which came to Earth, landed on Donald Trump’s head, and is psychically controlling him.

7. What is carrion?

It’s a small tote bag, containing all your important personal items, that you try to cram into the airplane’s overhead compartment.

8. What is a milkshake?

A cow with the shivers

9. What is a cockle?

A guy who lives down around Beau’s belles

10. What is a chouz bun?

 

 

 

 

 

 

It’s the new haircut/style that the Chavs are sporting.

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Fibbing Friday #317

Pensitivity101’s meeting last week was the inspiration for this list. Your thoughts on these please.

1. What is a board room?

The area of Home Despot where they sell lumber

2. Who usually has The Chair?

Donald Trumpet!  They say that a chair is where an ass sits – and he fits the description.

3. What are minutes?

They are incredibly long units of time, if you are standing outside the closed bathroom door with your legs crossed, while the wife is trying to recapture her beauty from a bottle, and says, “I’ll be out in just a minute.”

4. What is a projector used for?

It’s a dishonest debater/opponent who insists that you exhibit all the mistakes and weaknesses that they actually do.  They aren’t really useful for anything except comedy relief and irritation.

5. What is a CEO?

He/she is the head of the agricultural corporation that just purchased Old MacDonald’s farm – EIEIO.

6. What is a ‘stand alone?’

That’s the office co-worker who went to the suspect taco truck for lunch

7. What is a portfolio?

It’s a small cabinet with a concealed lock, where I store my wine for when the brother-in-law comes over.  In vino veritas  He could have been anything he wanted.  Too bad he chose drunken fool.  😮

8. What is an agenda?

Someone who is surgically/hormonally transitioning from male to female, or vice versa.

9. What is a ‘sea of faces’?

All of the people who are watching each SpaceX launch, hoping that this payload is MAGA hats, or the chief MAGAt himself.

10. To what does ‘any other business’ refer?

It’s where many Americans would prefer to see RFK Jr., instead of the Health Department, so that his Luddite Catholic conditioning would be less likely to kill people.

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Human One-Liners

Instant Human….
….just add coffee.

You can’t stop progress….
….but you can unplug a lot of it.

I don’t have a welcome mat….
….because I’m not a liar.

I have an inner child….
….but I don’t think it’s mine.

I’m a quiet drunk….
….Some people say passed out.

I finally got a car with a TV in the dash….
….All it ever shows is someone backing over my garbage cans.

The Amish Powerball Lottery….
….is up to four dozen eggs.

Library….
….because not everything on the internet is true.

I have a meat-cutter joke….
….but I’d probably butcher it.

Evangelical Christianity is just….
….radical Islam with pork and beer.

My kite puns….
….just go over most people’s heads

Do you know why birds sing in the morning?….
….They don’t have to go to work.

A buffet is like a time machine….
….You can go back for seconds.

I put the ‘Pro’….
….in procrastinate.

I’ve reached the age where I don’t know if I sustained an injury….
….or if that’s just how I am now.

I’m at the age where, if I drop something….
….I don’t need it anymore.

What do you call a pig with laryngitis?….
….Disgruntled

I lost the wife’s audio book….
….Now I’ll never hear the end of it.

I just got up from the couch and….
….my Fitbit notified me that it detected unusual activity.

You can be a good person with a kind heart….
….and still tell people to fuck off when required.

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Fibbing Friday #317

Similar fibs from Pensitivity101 as the previous week’s theme. How would you define these words?

1. Biblioklept

The guy who police are after, because he hasn’t returned 57 library books

2. Acnestis

An acute case of teenage facial skin problem that is so bad that it needs to be cured with skin-smoothing sand-blasting – or a girlfriend

3. Wrest pin

A victory in the carefully-choreographed (but totally real) redneck sport of Professional Wrestling.  Strike a chord??

4. Agelast

A British expression.  In North America they are known as senior citizens.

5. Peristeronic

That’s the name of the wave-like muscular contractions that move shit out of people’s anuses.  If only we could discover a control for the ones that move shit out of politicians’ mouths.

6.  Limerence:

King Chuckles the Threeth’s favourite citrus pudding

7.  Sonder:

Wonder is when you’re not sure of something.
Sonder is when you are absolutely certain.

OR

Sonder is what the Great-Grandson calls the noise in the sky during rainstorms.  His slightly-younger sister calls the clear liquid that we sprinkle on French fries/chips, ‘gimmicker.’

8.  Vellichor:

That’s the rip-off (If you’ll excuse the expression) imitation of the VELCRO ©™ brand of sealer strip.  It only works about three times, and then it’s not Rrriiipp anymore.  It’s more like R.I.P.  😮

9.  Petrichor:

A giant British fuel company which is trying to establish a national monopoly

10. Lugubrious:

The automobile oil-change chain that’s operated by Petrichor

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Fibbing Friday #316

Last week Pensitivity101 gave us words you may or may not be familiar with, but how would you define them?

1, Defenestration:

That’s when they cut down all the trees to put in a new housing development, and then name the streets after them

2. Lollygag:

BDSM equipment

3. Flummox:

A female lummox – Princess Fiona, Shrek’s wife

4. Cattywampus:

In French, the word chat means cat, so a chateau is a cathouse.  In redneck country, a cattywampus is a double-wide working-center for women of negotiable virtue.

5, Bungle:

One of my favorite, old, Jethro Tull songs

6. Anachronism:

The collection of the stiff, sore pains and discomfort that I’ve accumulated since I retired

7. Serendipity:

The spicy, chili-flavored tomato sauce that Tex-Mex restaurants give you with your nacho chips

8. Paroxysm:

That’s two oxysysms together.  Not as enjoyable as one orgasm, but still nice

9. Solivagant:

A new feminine hygiene spray, developed by the makers of RAID ©™

10. Glossolalia:

That was Max Factor’s recent failure with a new lip treatment cosmetic.  It was so slippery that, when guys leaned in for a kiss, they slid right off. I hear that they’re going to remarket it as a rival to K-Y Jelly –park a Cadillac in a doghouse – nudge, nudge, wink, wink

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Tex-Mex Humor

Instructor: Welcome to salsa class.  Who’s ready to learn how to dance??
Me: hiding bag of tortilla chips  There’s been a mistake.

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I have a mental illness that makes me think that people will change their minds if I present the correct arguments with the appropriate facts and data.

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We were doing icebreakers at a business meeting, and asked what everyone’s favorite Beatles song was.  The boss’s answer – “Satisfaction.”
No-one corrected him.

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A man walked into a medical clinic, and told the receptionist that he had a 1:30 appointment.  “Which doctor?” she asked.  “No thanks, just a regular one.” he replied.

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A bus station is where a bus stops.  A train station is where a train stops.  On my desk, I have a work station.

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I’m at that age where my mind thinks that I’m still 29, my humor suggests that I’m 12, and my body keeps asking if I’m sure I’m not dead yet.

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An antelope and a lion entered a diner and took a booth near the window. When the waiter approached, the antelope said, “I’ll have a bowl of hay and a side order of radishes.”

“And what would your friend have?”

“Nothing,” replied the antelope.

The waiter persisted, “Isn’t he hungry?”

“Hey, if he were hungry,” said the antelope, “would I be sitting here?”

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Fibbing Friday #315

Last week, Pensitivity101 thought it was time for a laugh. These were all popular comedy shows. If you didn’t know, what do you think they were about?

1. Bless this House.

A young priest, assigned to his first, small, rural parish, has a crisis of faith when he begins to doubt that God actually resides in the rectory with him.

2. The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air.

From the producers of the Miss Bel-Air Pageant, comes the male equivalent!   All those males strutting their stuff, and looking for the top prize, and all the ladies getting what they’ve wanted for so long!

3. Diff’rent Strokes.

A niche porn channel

4. Porridge.

A specialty Scottish cooking series, with titles like Haggis, and Groats

5. Only Fools and Horses.

This is a 30-minute, Canadian Broadcasting Corporation series about the daily debacles of Donald Trump, and his unstable stable of yes-men – with particular reference to Canada.  Adolph Hitler lost WW II when he opened up an eastern front by attacking Russia.  Trump has opened so many fronts – Canada, Venezuela, Iran – that his foreign policy is like a hospital gown.  He can’t cover his ass!

6. Happy Days.

When you actually get a good night’s rest, score some time to yourself, get all the things done, and/or have someone else do the cooking for supper!

7. The Golden Girls.

Another limited-audience (but not limited enough Ew!!  Ew!!) porn channel

8. The Good Life.

A vanishing breed in today’s world. It, like common sense, is no longer common!  With rising costs for food, fuel, housing, and other needs, affording those extras gets harder and harder these days.

9. M.A.S.H.

Some new cooking show on that specialty channel.
Making Appealing Supper Hampers

10. Cheers.

That was a 90-minute special on the Fools and Horses series, when Trump had to remove all tariffs, to avoid a palace coup.  (Et Tu, Brute?)  Rumor has it that there will be another, follow-up episode, when the Americans – politicians and populace – realize that we’ve sold our oil to China, our wheat to India, and our aluminum to South Korea.

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Fibbing Friday #314

Last week, Pensitivity101 said, Don’t quote me on that…………… film quotes last week, but who else could have said them?

1. I have a head for business and a bod for sin.

I keep the head at the office and I’m getting strange looks from my jealous coworkers. Can’t wait to show them my bod at the housewarming this weekend!

2. Wax on, wax off.

Hilga, the Ogress manageress of The Brazilian Mani-Pedi Salon

3. I’ll have what she’s having.

Happy wife, happy life!  (She micromanages the rest of my life anyway.)  Besides, I’ll sneak out for a big helping of all-dressed chili fries when she’s out next time.

4. Please sir, I want some more.

Of that rummy that was getting served last week  😮

5. You want the truth? You can’t handle the truth!

This is how a substantial part of the U.S. people live apparently, at least enough to put The Joker into the big office… again.

6. I have got to get me one of these!

Donald Trump, when he found out that Richard Nixon got a blanket pardon from Gerald Ford.

7. Stupid is as stupid does.

RFK Jr. a supposedly intelligent, well-educated scion of the once-proud Kennedy family.  He was appointed by The Greatest American Zero as the Secretary of the Department of Health and Human Services, but doesn’t believe in basic biology, like the efficacy of vaccinations.  If clan matriarch, Grandma Rose Kennedy isn’t rolling over in her grave, she’s rolling her eyes at this disappointing buffoon.

8. No-one puts Baby in a corner.

Except Baby herself!  If she wants to sit in the corner to feel safe and comfortable, let her be.

9. Adventure is out there!

Tripping, tumbling and falling all over itself in the great wide world.  Stay safe out there kids; there is a whole lot of crazy, happening in strange places!

10. I’m having an old friend for dinner.

Gordon Ramsay – The fib is, with a mouth like his, he HAS no friends.

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Blogging Comedy

 

I started a blog about procrastination.  I’ll publish the first post tomorrow

Blogging is the only job where you can spend three hours writing, two hours editing, and the rest of the day refreshing the page to see if your mom left a comment.

I once wrote a blog post titled “How to Go Viral.”

It got three views—two were me checking for typos, and one was a bot from Russia.

My editor once criticized my blog….
….He said that double negatives were a “no-no.”

I wrote a scientific blog-post about Oxygen and Potassium….
….It was OK

I wrote a blog-post about pregnancy, and used ‘can’t, and ‘won’t.’….
….My first comment said, “You’re having contractions.”

A newly published novelist wrote in her blog that her 100,000-word thriller got her $1,000,000 from her publisher.

She bragged at a party that her words are worth $10 each. A slightly drunk guy walked up, confronted her by the bar, plopped down $10 and says “OK, wise ass, give me one of those $10 words.” The writer calmly stuffed the bill in her pocket, said “Thanks” and walked away.

There are just too many blogs – and I will discuss the problem in my next post.

I went to Church and said, “Father, I need to confess.”
He replied, “It’s okay, I read your blog.”

I blog, therefore I am….
….exhausted.

Blogged today. Survived another existential crisis.

If I had a dollar for every blog idea I never finished, I could hire a ghostwriter.

Fashion bloggers do it with style.

Food bloggers know how to dish it out.

Behind every successful blogger….
….is a neglected laundry pile.