We had to oil a couple, and gas most of them up, but they’re all working now.  Working is no joke, so try some of this comedy instead.

***

My memory has gotten so bad it has actually caused me to lose my job. I’m still employed. I just can’t remember where.

I took a position as a security guard; my boss said that it was my job to watch the office. I’m currently on season 5.

On my way to work today, I saw a person dragging a clam on a leash behind him. I thought, it must be hard to walk with a pulled mussel.

Would you call the boss at Old MacDonald’s farm the C-I-E-I-O?

My boss asked me to roundup 18 employees quickly. I responded, “20.”

In my last performance review, I was told that my communication skills needed improvement. I didn’t know what to say.

I think that of all the inventions of the last century, the dry erase board is probably the most remarkable.

I heard that fewer and fewer people are going into archeology because the field is basically in ruins.

I asked if I could leave work early today, and my boss said, “Yes, if you make up the time.” I said, “Sure, it’s sixty-five past fifteen.”

My wife tells me I talk in my sleep all the time. But I’m skeptical. Nobody at work ever mentions it.

***

I grew up with Steve Jobs, Johnny Cash and Bob Hope.  Now there’s no jobs, no cash, and no hope.  Please don’t let anything happen to Kevin Bacon.

***

I was going up to bed a couple of nights ago, when the wife told me that I’d left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. I opened the back door to go turn off the light, but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things. I phoned the police, who asked “Is someone in your house?”  I said “No,” but some people broke into my garden shed and are stealing from me.”  The police dispatcher said “All patrols are busy; lock your doors and an officer will be along when one is available.

I said, “Okay.”  I hung up the phone and counted to 30, then phoned the police again.  “Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed.  Well, you don’t have to worry about them now because I just shot and killed them both; the dogs are eating them right now.” and I hung up. Within five minutes, six Police Cars, a SWAT Team, a Helicopter, two Fire Trucks, a Paramedic and an Ambulance showed up at my house, and caught the burglars red-handed. One of the Policemen said to me, “I thought you said that you’d shot them!“  I replied, “I thought you said there was nobody available!”

***

Don’t you hate people who come and knock on your door, saying that you need to be “saved” or you’ll “burn”? Stupid firefighters.

***

Research has shown that laughing for two minutes is as healthy as a twenty-minute jog.
So I’m sitting in the park, laughing at all the joggers.

***

Every month millions of women in America experience bloating, cramps, and fatigue.

But Taco Bell’s just too good to pass up.

***

Where do bad rainbows go?….
….Prism.  It’s a light sentence, and it gives them time to reflect.

***