The wife whined, “How can you talk to me like that?  I’ve given you the best years of my life.”
I said, “Yeah?  And who made them the best years??”

***

At an international conference, a survey was distributed, asking delegates what their thoughts were on the scarcity of food in the rest of the world.  The African delegates didn’t understand ’food.’  The Canadian delegates didn’t understand ‘scarcity,’ and the American delegates didn’t understand ‘the rest of the world.’

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Why are the pyramids in Egypt??
Because they were too heavy for the English to ship home.

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New-Age Terminology

A Father is a banker provided by nature.
A boss is a guy who’s always early when you’re late, and always late when you are early.
A smile is a curve that can set a lot of things straight.
Rumor is news that travels at the speed of sound.
Dictionary is the only place where divorce comes before marriage.
College is a place where some pursue learning, and others learn pursuing.
Ecstasy is a feeling you are going to feel when you feel a feeling you have never felt before.
Office is a place to go to relax from your hectic home life.
A yawn is the only time some married men get to open their mouth.
Etc. is a sign to make others think that you know more than you do.
Committee – Individuals who can do nothing, who sit as a group to decide that nothing can be done collectively
Classic is a book that everyone praises, but nobody reads.
Marriage is an agreement where a man loses his Bachelor Degree, and a woman gains her Masters.
Worry is interest paid on trouble, before it falls due.
Experience is the name that men give to their mistakes.
Tears are the hydraulic force by which masculine power is defeated by feminine power.
Atom bomb –an invention to end all inventions
Philosopher is a fool who torments himself during his life so that he will be spoken well of, after he’s dead.
Optimist is a person who starts taking a bath if he accidently falls into a river.
A pessimist is a person who says that O is the last letter in ZERO, rather than the first letter of OPPORTUNITY.
Miser is a person who lives poor, so that he can die rich.
A criminal is a guy no different from the rest…. except he got caught.
Politician – one who shakes your hand before elections, and your confidence after
A doctor is a person who kills your ills with pills, but kills you with his bills.
(Only, not in social-medicine Canada)
Swiped-Out is a debit or credit card that has been rendered useless because the magnetic strip is worn away from frequent usage.  (And it only happens when you have only 23¢ in your pocket)
Starter is a first marriage which ends in divorce.  A marriage with no kids, no property, and no regrets.
Mouse potato – The online, wired generation’s answer to couch potato.  ARE YOU ONE??

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