Tag Archives: news

by

Fibbing Friday In The News

Some of last week’s questions from Pensitivit101 were borrowed from her monthly newsletter and others are recycled.  Fib away my friends!

1.  Lev Davidovrich Bronstein is better known as?

A well-known race horse trainer who earned the nickname “Trotsky.”   He was famous until the rumors started, but he never did THAT to the horses.  He vanished from the racing scene, and became

***

RuPaul

2.  Sopranissimo is the highest pitched version of which reed instrument?

Duck call

3. What is the capital of Azerbaijan?

The A, silly.  Of course, in Azerbaijani, it looks like Ø

4. Do forest fires move more quickly uphill or downhill?

It’s a dead heat until one of them reaches Millionaires’ Row at Tacoma.  Then they move quickly uphill to burn down Ed Sheeran’s Castle On The Hill.

5. On average, how many eggs does a peacock lay?

It’s hard to tell.  They often lay them on the peaks of barn roofs, and they roll off – some to the East – some to the West – and get lost in the tall grass.

6. What is your favorite way to prepare hot dogs?

Leave them in the car with the windows up, while I shop at Tesco.

7. They just cancelled your favorite TV show – what do you do?

Send a letter to Donald Trump, pleading for help.  If he can really travel back in time to Make America Great Again, surely he can get my TV show back.  While he’s at it, he might cure the Pope – unless he’s planning to give that job to Elon Musk, too.

8. You find a treasure map – what is the treasure?

An unlimited Platinum card to Barnes & Noble

9. They are making a movie of your life – what is the biggest whopper they invent?

Certainly not the one between my legs.  The first time the wife saw me naked, she demanded, “Who ya gonna satisfy with that?”  I replied, “ME!”

10. What did you find in the unopened can of mixed nuts?

A thumb-drive with a copy of a philosophical debate about humor, between The Three Stooges – even though there were 5 or 6 of them, but it worked out – and all five Marx brothers.

by

Smitty’s Loose Change #26

THE CONTINUING STUPIDIFICATION OF AMERICA

If someone posts a ‘Don’t Do This’ warning, you can be sure that it’s because some idiot done it.
We recently purchased a new, matched pair of PetPro washer and dryer.  Each has a special filter to remove (pet) hair from laundry.  In large, bold letters, the operator’s manual for both clearly state

WARNING: DO NOT PUT PET IN MACHINE

***

Americans put the month first in dates.  Europeans are confused to see 11/31/24.
I’d be confused too!  Thirty days hath September, April, June, and November.

***

English cities whose names end in –WICK, come from “vicus,” which was the town that grew up around Roman forts – like Chadwick, or Warwick, which lazy British tongues have slurred to ‘Warrick.’  I had thought that cities whose name ends in –WICH were just examples of further linguistic evolution.

Recently the son read an article that showed that the term is Anglo-Saxon, and refers to places where salt is produced.  Sandwich was down at the seashore, and Woolwich – which lazy British tongues have slurred to ‘Woolich’, was probably near a salt-marsh, where sheep grazed.

Salt was rare, treasured, labor-intensive to produce, and expensive.  The word ‘salary’ is because Roman soldiers were paid, at least in part, with salt.  It gave rise to expressions like, Salt of the Earth, and Worth his salt.

***

What are you curious about?
George – and Yellow.

What positive emotion do you feel most often?
I am positive that I’m sick and tired of these stupid prompts.

***

My cat has eaten a part of my body.
One of my cats can occasionally be very insecure and demanding, wanting to be cuddled on my ample lap shelf, and firmly stroked, his spine thumped, nuzzled and purred to while he is purring at me.  Since we’re nose to nose, he does to me what a kitten would do to its mother; he licks around my mouth, down my unshaven chin, up my cheeks, across one or both eyebrows, and sometimes into my ear.  With a 60-grit rough tongue, he does a great job of exfoliating my face.  All those dead skin cells gotta go someplace.

***

I recently downloaded the blog-prompt title, Scour the news for an entirely uninteresting story. Consider how it connects to your life. Write about that.  I may eventually do that.  Below it, I added a note – Magnet poles, meth-head panhandlers dozing off.  Ladies and gentlemen, this is why I don’t do drugs.  I have no F**kin’ idea what that means!!?  😮

***

I just found a new record for the shortest chapter in a book – five words.
Joey and Tommy kept laughing.
It even had a chapter title LAUGHING – large print.
The action hero – the guy who takes on assassins, and squads of police – had to admit to his friends, how a 92-year-old woman knocked him down a flight of stairs with a walking stick that folded out to a seat, because she thought he was robbing apartments.  Semper paratus.

***

How do Amish girls know if it’s a romantic, candlelit dinner – or just a regular dinner?

by

Sadly Amusing

What is the dumbest thing you’ve ever heard someone say??  The following is a collection of some real gems.

Someone in our group lost a flip-flop in a river.  We all watched it float downstream.
Someone else in the group said just to be patient, because eventually it will do a full loop and come back.

I dated a girl who thought that sea-horses were the size of real horses.
She was so disappointed at the aquarium.

I was solving a Rubik’s Cube.  Some guy asked me how many sides it had, and could I make them all blue.

Rep. Hank Johnson (D-GA) thought that the island of Guam could tip over if too many people got on one side.

I dated a girl who thought that “the hole in the ozone layer” was where the space shuttle came through to land.

A woman at a neo-natal clinic thought that her baby’s soft spot was what he breathed through, like a whale’s blowhole.

My wife has a friend who honestly believes that you should not go out during a full moon, because you will get moonburn.

“What year did this happen?”
We were watching Lord of the Rings!

I had to break the news to a couple of kids that, when you are grown-up, you don’t get summers off.  I felt bad, but they deserve to know, I guess.  To be fair, they both had mothers who didn’t really have regular jobs, and it didn’t occur to them, because their mothers were home with them all summer.

Years ago, I was watching MTV Street Smarts with a man I had recently met.  The question asked on the show was to put these events in chronological order, from oldest to most recent – the civil war, walking on the moon, and the Ice Age.  I snorted, and joked about what a ridiculous question it was.  He did not seem to be amused, so I asked him, You know this, right?  He replied, “I’m not good with dates.”

If you drink a Coke, and then a diet Coke, the calories cancel out.

You have your facts, and I’ll have my facts.
It’s crazy how many grown adults still don’t understand that opinions are not facts, or worse, that opinions can be facts if spoken loud enough.

I had someone in a college history class, seriously and with a straight face, ask who this Hitler guy was, halfway through a WW II unit.  We all just stared at her for 5 seconds.  Then the professor told her, “Come see me in my office after class.  You’ve got some catching up to do.”  Bless him.  He handled it so well.

I’m allergic to Oxygen.
I asked if they meant Oxycodone, but no, they insisted they were allergic to Oxygen.

Years ago, a guy I worked with said, “Those people in Ireland must not be paying their taxes.  The IRS keeps bombing their homes.”  That’s not the IRS, you idiot!  It’s the IRA!  That’s what I meant, the Internal Revenue Association.

I was microwaving some leftover food.  I hit the 1 for one minute.  My friend asked, “Why did you hit one minute?  I usually just put mine in for 60 seconds.”  I had to explain that they were the same thing.  We were in high school together.
I explained to another friend that 90 seconds was the same as 1:30.  They insisted that 1:30 was more, and called me crazy.

A manager at my old job asked me if Alaska was an island near Hawaii.  That’s what it looked like on the map.  They also asked if they could get an STD from breathing the same air as a person with an STD.  And they were in charge….  🙄

When I worked at Starbucks, it was a common question from customers to explain the difference between a hot drink, and an iced drink.

I don’t have a girlfriend because females are intimidated by my career
He was the Assistant Manager at an Outback Steakhouse.

A guy I worked with told me that he was trying to lose weight by cutting down on pasta.
I haven’t had pasta in three weeks, and I’ve lost 10 pounds.
That’s awesome, but what do you have in your hand there?
Mac and cheese.
I thought you said you haven’t had pasta.
I haven’t.  This is mac and cheese.

How long does it take for the meat to grow back on the cow after you shave it off?

There’s no difference between turkey and ham.  They both come from birds.
I guess pigs really can fly in their world.
A college friend very seriously asked, If beef comes from cows, and pork comes from pigs, what animal does chicken come from?

I knew someone who thought that the sun and the moon were the same thing.  She was 18, and just graduated high school.

“Well, she never got pregnant before.” after his girlfriend got pregnant, and I asked him why he didn’t use protection.

While I was at an orientation for a Masters Program at Yale, I mentioned that I was from New Mexico.  Another person who had got into Yale for a graduate program asked me what the immigration process had been like.  I like to tell this story to anyone who acts as if an Ivy League education is somehow a mark of intelligence.

…. Chicken parm isn’t vegan??

These fireworks got wet.  I’m gonna dry them off in the microwave.

My daughter just tried to tell me that plutonium doesn’t come from Pluto.  Oh well, it’s good she’s cute.

The wife’s older brother argued with her Grade 9 Science textbook, where it said that white is the combination of all colors, and black is the absence of color, because everybody knows that white is no color, and black is all the colors mixed together.

😮