Tag Archives: one-liners

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Knowledgeable One-Liners

My poor knowledge of Greek mythology….
….has always been my Achilles elbow.

There’s a warrant out for the Invisible Man….
….The charge is failure to appear.

Why are iPhone chargers….
….not called apple juice?

If it wasn’t for alcohol and vaginas….
….I’d be a millionaire by now.

Someone asked me what I knew about Bonsai trees….
….I replied, “Very little.”

I’m very good at gift shopping….
….for myself.

My grandpa was illiterate….
….so I don’t know if this Ouija board is working or not.

I love French fry trucks….
….but I don’t trust restaurants with a getaway plan.

Your driving gives….
….my middle finger an erection.

You don’t have to agree with me….
….I can’t force you to be right.

A will is just….
….a dead giveaway.

Chuck Norris once frightened….
….irrational numbers into becoming rational.

I’m writing a book about beer….
….I’m on my fourth draft.

A cow, a pig, and a chicken walk into a Barbecue….
….The End!

An erection is not considered….
….personal growth.

Neil Diamond used to be Neil Coal….
….until the pressure got to him.

After my girlfriend died, I didn’t go outside for five years….
….but I’m released from prison now.

Thanx for explaining the word copious to me….
….It means a lot.

CAUTION! Chocolate will….
….make your clothes shrink.

Why do blurry people….
….always ask me if I’m drunk?

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Dumb American One-Liners

Why are Americans so dumb?….
….They shoot the ones who go to school

Why don’t Americans switch to metric?….
….They have a foot fetish.

If Americans switched from pounds to kilograms overnight….
….there would be mass confusion.

Why is American IT Support so poor?….
….They have no troubleshooting.

I’ve heard that 8/10 Americans have trouble with math….
….I’m glad I’m in the other 2%.

My therapist says I have problems expressing emotion….
….Can‘t say I’m surprised.

I wanted to remarry my ex-wife….
….but she figured out I was only after my money.

No sense being pessimistic….
….It wouldn’t work, anyway.

Don’t clean with alcohol….
….Nothing gets done after the first bottle, anyway.

Look both ways….
….before crossing a woman.

We are drowning in information….
….while starving for wisdom.

I’m a responsible adult….
….Just last week I purchased a vegetable.

You never know what you have….
….until you clean your room.

Just wanted you to know that someone cares….
….Not me! But someone.

I visited a Doritos farm today….
….What a cool ranch.

Radioactive cats….
….have 18 half-lives.

I’m at a good place right now….
….Not emotionally.  I’m just at a bar.

Keep your temper….
….Nobody else wants it.

Free Viagra….
….for applicants who want to work hard.

Even on Gilligan’s Island, they listened….
….to the professor, not the millionaire.

I was going to share a joke about dogs….
….but it was really far-fetched.

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Google One Liners

I Googled “Missing Mediaeval servant”….
…. It came back, “Page not found.”

My date said, “I’m looking for someone who is kind and intelligent”….
….Oops, I thought you said kinda intelligent.

Proud to announce that my goal of becoming a criminal lawyer is half complete….
….Just working on the lawyer part now.

The doctor told me that I have hypochondria….
….I replied, “That too?”

The wife reached another culinary milestone today….
….by setting off the neighbors’ smoke alarm.

I hate people who take drugs….
….For example, airport security.

Taco Bell is selling fries….
….Burger King is selling tacos….
….KFC is putting Cheetos on chicken sandwiches….
….I knew we shouldn’t legalize marijuana.

Both the Bible and the Quran tell us to love one another….
….The Kama Sutra is a little more specific.

On the Internet, you can be anything you want….
….It’s strange that so many people choose to be stupid.

Unlike the brain….
….the stomach alerts you when it’s empty.

My therapist says I have trouble expressing emotion….
….I can’t say I’m surprised.

A lot of people were confused at the opening….
….of my ribbon repair company.

Trump is nothing like Hitler….
….No way could he write a book.

I don’t have arthritis….
….I have early-onset rigor mortis.

The four seasons are all different….
….Summer warmer than others.

The difference between coffee and your opinion….
….I asked for coffee.

I tried cooking with wine last night….
….After five glasses I forgot why I was in the kitchen.

There are two kinds of people in the world….
….I try to avoid them.

In the ‘60s, people took acid to make the world weird….
….Today the world is weird, and people take Prozac to make it normal.

I may not be much to look at, but I fuck like….
….the government.

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Driven To One-Liners

My biggest fear with self-driving cars is….
…. if I died on my way to work, the car would still deliver me there.

My barber asked me how I wanted my hair cut….
….I told him, “In silence!”

Life is like a box of chocolates….
….It doesn’t last long if you’re fat.

Fake quotes will ruin the internet….
….Benjamin Franklin

I’m inconsistent….
….but not all the time.

If I had known the difference between the words antidote, and anecdote….
….one of my best friends would still be alive.

The guy who stole my diary just died….
….My thoughts are with his family.

Today’s Yoga pose….
….is Downward Spiral.

Perfect parents exist….
….They just don’t have kids yet.

Why do the French eat snails?….
….They don’t like fast food

All of my passwords are protected….
….by amnesia.

I’m not eye candy….
….More like eye broccoli.

I expect nothing from life….
….and I’m still let down.

I see you have some graph paper….
….You must be plotting something.

I just got kicked out of mime school….
….Must have been something I said.

A mistress is….
….something between a mister and a mattress.

If all is not lost….
….then where the heck is it?

Beer….
….The cure for what ales you!

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Rather Pointed One-Liners

I’m not a cactus expert….
….but I know a prick when I see one.

I’ve learned a lot from my mistakes….
….I’m even thinking of making a few more.

I was grilling a chicken last night….
….For the last time, why did you cross the road?

How to fall down the stairs:
Step 1
Step 2
Step 3
Step 6
Step 9
Step 12
Floor

When it comes to great sex….
….It’s not the meat.  It’s the tumidity.

A fool and his money….
….are never around when I need them.

I’m responsible for what I say….
….not what you understand.

I went to the paint store to get thinner….
….It didn’t work.

I knew the psychic was a phony….
….the moment she took my check.

The Institute of Unfinished Research has concluded that…
….6 out of 10 people

Never discuss infinity with a mathematician….
….You’ll never hear the end of it.

I was sitting in traffic the other day….
….Probably why I got run over.

I just saved a ton of money on Christmas presents….
….by discussing politics on social media.

Just got my doctor’s test back, and I’m quite disappointed….
….Turns out, I’ll never be a doctor.

I married my wife for her looks….
….but not the ones I’ve been getting recently.

I was going to do a post about anticlimaxes….
….but in the end, I didn’t.

Propaganda is when an Englishman….
….takes a good look at something.

I have a recurring dream….
….where I divide 10 by 3.

Knock, knock….
….Who’s there?….
….Granddad….
….QUICK!  STOP THE CREMATION!

I asked my girlfriend how she avoids clickbait….
….Her answer may shock you.

A man asks a librarian for a book about noise levels….
….She replies, “Sure, what volume would you like?”

I don’t believe in skeptics….

I wasn’t going to drink after my shift….
….then I worked my shift

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A Habit Of Telling One-Liners

I was going to quit all my bad habits for the New Year….
….then I remembered, nobody likes a quitter.

Behind every successful man….
….is a woman with nothing to wear.

My wife said, “You really have no sense of direction, do you?”….
….I said, “Where did that come from?”

I got a job at a bicycle factory….
….I’m their new spokesman.

The dinner I was cooking for the family was going to be a surprise….
….until the fire trucks ruined it.

I never know what to do with gossip….
….so I just pass it on.

One way to stop a runaway horse….
….is to bet on him.

I consider other opinions….
….I consider most of them stupid.

There are two kinds of men who don’t understand women….
….Bachelors, and husbands.

If you don’t remember my name, just say “Donuts”….
…..I’ll turn around and look.

When I found out that my toaster isn’t waterproof….
….I was shocked.

Smaller babies may be delivered by a stork….
….but bigger ones need a crane.

The world’s oldest man just died….
….Why does this keep happening?

A bargain is something that you don’t need….
….at a price you can’t resist.

Hospitality is making your guests feel at home….
….even if you wish they were.

I gave up my seat to an elderly person on the bus….
….That’s how I lost my job as a driver.

A can opener that doesn’t work….
….is a can’t opener.

The female neighbor said she’d do things my wife wouldn’t, for $20….
….She ironed four shirts.

I think they picked me for my motivational skills….
….Everyone says they work twice as hard when I’m around.

If every day is a gift, I want a receipt for Monday….
….I want to exchange it for another Friday.

I got a job in a paperless office….
….Everything was great till I needed to use the washroom.

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They’re (One-)Lining Up

Comedy

I told my psychiatrist that I keep hearing voices in my head and creating imaginary people….
….He told me that I don’t have a psychiatrist.

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My mom said “you treat this place like a hotel”………
……..she will regret that when I give her a low score on Trip Advisor for ‘rude staff’.

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The book that I wrote about poltergeists….
….is flying off the shelves

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The only thing that Flat Earthers fear….
….is sphere itself

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I was arrested last week for stealing helium balloons……
…..the police held me for a while and then let me go.

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My pet rock is not doing well today….
….I think it is stoned

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I’ve been searching for my stolen bed…….
………I won’t rest until I find it.

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My ex girlfriend just found out that I’ve replaced her bed with a trampoline…..
……She hit the roof.

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My girlfriend had her driving test the other day. She got 8 out of 10……….
……the other 2 guys jumped clear.

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My optician told me today that I’m color blind…….
……..that came right out of the orange!

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I’m hoping to find a cure for my hiccups…..
……but I’m not holding my breath.

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I bought a pair of shoes off a drug dealer……..
……..dunno what he’s laced them with,
………but I’ve been trippin’ all day.

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I just bought a book called, “How To Avoid Being Ripped Off.”….
….best $100 I ever spent.

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Someone just told me to stop acting like a flamingo………
……..so I had to put my foot down.

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I turned to drink when my girlfriend left me….
….I like to celebrate in style

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My doctor told me that jogging can add years to my life…….
……he’s right; I feel 10 years older already.

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Breaking News….
….Ne ws

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Just saw an ad that read, “TV for sale, $1, volume stuck on full high.” I thought to myself….
….I can’t turn that down

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Scientists have recently discovered a gene that causes shyness…….
……they found it hiding behind two other genes.

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My friend told me that he’s been constipated for two years….
….I think he’s full of shit.

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I once dumped a cross-eyed chick….
….I thought she was seeing someone else.

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My doctor gave me six months to live, so I shot him….
….The judge gave me twenty years.

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My friend sent me an empty email….
….His message was clear….