- Theme parks can snap a crystal clear picture of you on a roller coaster going 70 mph, but bank cameras can’t get a clear shot of a robber standing still.
Dear paranoid people who check behind their shower curtains for murderers… if you do find one, what’s your plan? - The more I get to know people, the more I realize why Noah only let animals on the boat.
- Facial recognition software can pick a person out of a crowd but the vending machine at work can’t recognize a dollar bill with a bent corner.
- When all this pandemic stuff is over, I still plan to wear a mask. It hides the perpetual look of annoyance I have for most people.
- I never make the same mistake twice. I do it like, five or six times, you know, to make sure.
- Someone just honked to get me out of my parking space faster, so now I just have to sit here until both of us are dead.
- My train of thought derailed. There were no survivors.
- If you see someone buying candy, popcorn and a soda at the movies, they are a drug dealer. There’s no other explanation for that type of income.
- I know it’s time to clean out my purse when my car assumes it’s an extra passenger who isn’t wearing a seat belt.
- Dr. Oz says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body will get rid of cellulite. Apparently you can’t do this in Starbucks. And now the cops are here…
- Do not vaccinate health care workers first. If it fails, we’re all in trouble. Vaccinate the politicians first. If we lose a few of them, it won’t matter.
- In the 1960s I fell off my bike and hurt my knee. I’m telling you this now because we didn’t have social media then.
- Dear Sneeze: If you’re going to happen, happen. Don’t just put a stupid look on my face and then leave.
- I still have a full deck, I just shuffle slower
- We all know Albert Einstein was a genius, but his brother Frank was a monster.
***
Mary Clancy went to Father O’Grady after his Sunday morning service in tears. He said, “So what’s bothering you, dear?” Mary said, “Oh, Father, I have terrible news. My husband Edgar passed away.” Father O’Grady consoled her, “Oh, Mary. That’s terrible! Did he have a last request?” “Aye, that he did, Father.” “What did he say, Mary?” “He said, ‘Please, Mary! Put down that gun!’”
***
A barber ran from his shop to where a policeman was standing. “Officer, I need your help. A guy just skipped out of my barber shop without paying!” The officer asked, “What’s he look like? Any distinguishing features?” The barber replied, “Well, he’s missing his left ear!”
***
An American took a guided tour of an old castle. Before the tour started, she told the guide, “I’m afraid of ghosts. There aren’t ghosts here, are there?” The guide answered, “Oh, don’t worry. I’ve never seen a ghost in all the time I’ve been here.” “And how long is that?” “About three hundred years.”
***
A widower fell in love with a widow and all their children agreed they should get married. They sent out this invitation: “Phil, Richard, Karen, Allison, John, Matt and Steve request the honor of your presence at the marriage of their mother and father, Marion Johnson Smith and Robert Hanson. Because they are combining their two households, they already have two of everything, so: Please, no presents! Reception and garage sale immediately following the ceremony.”



PHOTO PROMPT© Roger Bultot







