Tag Archives: parents

by

Meet-Less Humor

Meet My Lazy Co-Workers

Cordless – only works for two hours.
E.T. – always wants to go home.
Kit-Kat – always taking a break.
Muffler – always exhausted.
Seaweed – just floats around all day.
Sensor Light – only works when someone walks past.
Wheelbarrow – only works when pushed.

***

My parents spanked me as a child.  As a result, I now suffer from a psychological condition called “Respect for others.”

***

DON’T MESS WITH ME!
I’m a
Wooden spoon
Lead Paint
No car seat
No bike helmet
Pickup bed ridin’
Garden hose drinkin’
SURVIVOR

***

My ducks are definitely not in a row.  I don’t know where some of them are, and I think that one of them is a pigeon.

***

WARNING

Visitors with no sense of humor are advised to turn back now.
Management is not responsible for any damage to feelings.

***

At this point Jesus doesn’t need to take the wheel.  He should just pull over and spank some of you with his sandal.

***

A man loses three fingers in an industrial accident.  At the hospital, he asks the doctor, “Will I still be able to drive with this hand?”
The doctor replies, “Possibly, but I wouldn’t count on it.”

***

Eyelashes are supposed to keep things from going in your eyes.  But every time I get something in my eye, it’s an eyelash.
That’s eyeronic.

by

’25 A To Z Challenge – J

Do you know who had absolutely no imagination??
The parents of Loudon Wainwright III

Then there’s the wife’s parents??!  They (kinda, sorta) gave three of their daughters the same name.

Raised in a Catholic family, one of her older sisters was named Jeannette Elaine Lorraine Lackenbauer.  When she was confirmed in The Church, she accepted the name Olivia.  In the order of acquisition, the initials of her names spelled

JELLO

a fact that the woman who took herself far too seriously, was not amused about, when told.  She left the Catholic Church to marry a local Mennonite boy, in a compromise United Church.  She mounted their marriage certificate in a silver frame, and hung it on their living room wall, to prove to all and sundry, that the marriage was legal and binding, and on the up and up.

I stopped to read it one day while visiting, and noted that the minister who performed the ceremony was later convicted of child molestation.  She was far more concerned that her marriage was considered valid, than that her children had escaped the clutches of a pedophile by the thickness of an arrest warrant.  Her first name, Jeannette, is the female diminutive version of the Biblical name, John.

I knew her next-oldest sister as “Bonnie,” for years, before finding out that she was actually ‘Yvonne.’  This is a variant of the Russian name, Ivan, and is the female diminutive of the Biblical name, John.

The wife’s first name is Joanne, which is the female diminutive of the Biblical name, John.

I named my bathroom ‘Jim.’  It sounds better to say that each morning, I go to the ’Jim,’ than that I go to the John, which is what these parents did.

by

’24 A To Z Challenge – W

My mission – if I choose to accept it – to find a socially or linguistically significant word for the letter W has been an utter failure.  Woe is me.  Wah!  No wisdom, witticisms, or wisecracks to offer.  Let’s just go with infrequent, and lackluster

WAMBLE

  1. to move unsteadily.
  2. to feel nausea.
  3. (of the stomach) to rumble; growl.
  4. an unsteady or rolling movement.
  5. a feeling of nausea.

 

1300–50; Middle English wamle, obscurely akin to Norwegian vamla to stagger

While the meaning, spelling, and pronunciation are similar, it is not related to ‘wobble.’  Their parents are two different languages.  For several years, the son had a co-worker, universally known as ‘’Wobbles,’ not because he ingested alcohol, or the fumes of burning…. incense – although some of that did happen.

Do you remember, like me, from 1970 – Weebles wobble, but they don’t fall down?  That was him.  Ovoid, bottom-heavy, short, bandy legs, looked like he spent lots of time straddling a log – or a barstool.

On the other hand….
I worked for four years with a man who everybody – from the boss/owner on down – knew he brought a 6-pack of beer in each morning, dunked it in a toilet tank in the washroom, and finished it by noon.  Then he went home for lunch, and returned with another 6-pack for the afternoon – at a Precision machine shop.

No-one ever said anything, because he pumped out loads of parts, to ten-thousandths, and hundred-thousandths of an inch – no wobble…. Or wamble.

See if you can wend your way back in a couple of days.

by

Ask – And You Will Be Answered

Interview someone — a friend, another blogger, your mother, the mailman — and write a post based on their responses.

A Friend – Am I as crazy as I believe you think I am??!
We did not become friends so that you could get free psychotherapy.  Swallow the meds that you can take with alcohol, and break us each out a tall-can of that good, dark ale.  After a few of those, we’ll know which one – or both – of us is crazy…. But it won’t matter.

Another Blogger – Can I ask you a few questions?
Uh…. Possibly….  What questions?
Damned if I know!  I’m just supposed to interview someone.  The prompt didn’t say what it was supposed to be about.  A lot of times, I just question myself.  Sometimes I have answers.  Sometimes I don’t.  Are zebras white, with black stripes – or black, with white stripes??  If a centipede a pint, and a velocipede a quart, how much would a precipice??!

Your Mother – Mom, I’d like to ask you some questions. Mom??  Mommm??!….  I don’t think this Ouija Board thing is working.  Do I have to move it nearer to the cemetery?  I wonder what their Wi-Fi password is.

The Mailman – Can I ask you a few questions about your job?  How did you become a postman?  How big is your bag??  Do you like your job?  What is the greatest benefit, and disadvantage?
ALL INQUIRIES ABOUT CANADA POSTAL SERVICE MUST BE MADE IN TRIPLICATE – ONE QUESTION PER ENVELOPE, BY REGISTERED MAIL.  EACH SUBMISSION MUST BE ACCOMPANIED WITH A $25 CERTIFIED CHEQUE – MAIL TO CANADA POST 199 OVERLOOK AVE, OTTAWA, ON.  QUESTIONS MAY ALSO BE SUBMITTED ONLINE @ canadapost.fu/disdain  PLEASE HAVE VALID VISA, MASTERCARD OR DEBIT HANDY

No wonder I talk to myself.  I’m the smartest guy in the room.  Speaking of which…. Could somebody let me out??  This canvas jacket is beginning to chafe.  😮

by

Having It All

WHAT DOES IT MEAN TO HAVE IT ALL?

You can’t have it all!  I mean – where would you put it??
Oh wait, you’d get all the storage containers, too.  Never mind….

“Having It All” is a delusion.  It means that someone has lied to themselves, or has been lied to.  It’s a mental muddle, suffered by those who are insecure.  Even the Bill Gates, and the Elon Musks, can’t have it all.

“Having It All” afflicts the Type-A men and women.  It’s a social and financial disorder.  It’s not really about all the physical things they can acquire.  It’s the proof – most importantly to themselves – to others, that they can achieve greatly in business, but still be a great husband/wife, or father/mother, hosting parties and barbecues, and driving kids – who often don’t want to go – to music lessons, dance, yoga, skating, art lessons, and all too often, to therapy.

There’s nothing wrong with wanting, and wanting more.  Society wouldn’t advance if someone didn’t want something they didn’t have.  But studies have shown that Have-It-Alls are generally not inventive or innovative.  They’re the ones just running in place, producing more and more of the same old shit.

The Bible Commandment orders that Thou shalt not covet – thy neighbor’s house, or wife, or ox, or ass, or servants…. But, like so many things that are misunderstood, or misinterpreted about the Bible, this is a literal and specific order, not comprehensive and figurative.  You are allowed to desire things, just not stuff that belongs to others.  Get your own.  It would be better for a lot of folks, if the Have-It-Alls could be content with enough, instead of everything.

I am generally content with what I have, but I could always use a little more WordPress love.  C’mon guys – all together – LIKE, FOLLOW, COMMENT!  😉

by

Allergic To One-Liners

I can give you the cause of anaphylactic shock….
….in a nutshell.

After the election, a poll reveals that 100% of Americans think….
….that 50% of Americans have lost their minds.

If Joe Biden and Donald Trump had a street fight, who would win?….
….The American public.

70% of Americans said that Donald Trump being elected would make them nervous….
….The other 30% said that it would make them Canadians.

Donald Trump and Joe Biden are in a boat that sinks.  Who is saved?….
….The United States of America

What do you call a homeless horse?….
….Unstable.

If God made man in His image….
….why aren’t we invisible?

When I was a kid, there were two ways to die….
….Natural causes, and talking back to your parents.

I have a friend who composes music about sewing machines….
….He’s a Singer song-writer – or sew it seams.

I’m lucky I don’t have enough friends….
….to stage an intervention.

Back in my day, a selfie….
….was what you did when the wife wasn’t in the mood.

Laughter is the best medicine….
….unless you have diarrhea.

My lotion bottle says to use it on areas of irritation….
….so I slathered it all over my co-worker, Karen.

Some people lack the ability to laugh at themselves….
….That’s where I come in.

The Innuendo Society has seen….
….a huge rise in its members

Back in my day, blowing a tranny….
….was an automotive issue.

No use being pessimistic….
….It wouldn’t work anyway.

Did you know that “Dammit I’m mad” spelled backwards….
….is “Dammit I’m mad.”

Be a minimalist….
….It’s the least you can do.

by

I Can’t Bear The Humor

One day a housework challenged husband decided to wash his sweatshirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to his wife, “What setting do I use on the washing machine?” “It depends,” she replied. “What does it say on your shirt?”
Proudly he yelled back, “Chicago Bears!”

***

Max and his wife Lola received a letter from their daughter who had gone to study Modern Biochemistry overseas:

She wrote: My beloved parents, I miss you so much and it breaks my heart to think that by the time I get back, you will be so old. Therefore, I am enclosing a bottle of a red potion that I have invented. It will make you 5 years younger and so when I return, you will be the same age as I left you. Please, take only a drop.
Goodbye I love you!”

They opened the envelope and found the bottle with the red potion.

Max looked at his wife and said. “You go first.”

Lola took a drop and when she indeed turned 5 years younger, Max immediately did the same.

Years later, the daughter returns home to find her mother, she is younger and happier and she is carrying a baby on her back. She tells her daughter how the potion worked and how it has made her look younger. The daughter is happy and she asks about her father.

“Your father? Hmmm! You know how men don’t listen! He drank the whole bottle.”

“Whaaat! Where is he?”

“Who do you think is on my back?”

***

You thought that the last couple of jokes were bad??  Well, this Fibonacci joke is worse than the last two, combined.

***

Two kids are arguing over whose father is the biggest scaredy-cat.
The first kid says, “My dad is so scared that when lightning strikes, he hides underneath the bed.”

The second kid replies, ”Yeah? Well, that’s nothing. My dad is so scared that when my mom has to work the nightshift, he sleeps with the lady next door.”

***

A group of engineering professors are all offered a free trip to Hawaii and are aboard the plane about to depart when the pilot announces, “This trip is a gift from all your grateful students over the years, students who, by the way, built this very plane you’re about to fly in.”

The professors immediately panic and make a break for the exits, all save one who sits calmly in their seat.

“Are you crazy?” another professor asks them. “Didn’t you hear that our students built this plane?”

“What are you all even worried about?” came the reply. “It’s not like this thing is going to fly!”

by

Driven To One-Liners

My biggest fear with self-driving cars is….
…. if I died on my way to work, the car would still deliver me there.

My barber asked me how I wanted my hair cut….
….I told him, “In silence!”

Life is like a box of chocolates….
….It doesn’t last long if you’re fat.

Fake quotes will ruin the internet….
….Benjamin Franklin

I’m inconsistent….
….but not all the time.

If I had known the difference between the words antidote, and anecdote….
….one of my best friends would still be alive.

The guy who stole my diary just died….
….My thoughts are with his family.

Today’s Yoga pose….
….is Downward Spiral.

Perfect parents exist….
….They just don’t have kids yet.

Why do the French eat snails?….
….They don’t like fast food

All of my passwords are protected….
….by amnesia.

I’m not eye candy….
….More like eye broccoli.

I expect nothing from life….
….and I’m still let down.

I see you have some graph paper….
….You must be plotting something.

I just got kicked out of mime school….
….Must have been something I said.

A mistress is….
….something between a mister and a mattress.

If all is not lost….
….then where the heck is it?

Beer….
….The cure for what ales you!

by

One Of These Things Is Not Like The Other

If you have never remarked, at least to yourself, about the number of English words that are almost the same size and shape, have almost the same letters and meaning, and yet are different…. You’ve never done a crossword puzzle.  😳

Where to find Guinness – Any decent bar – but in the crossword, you have to work sideways.  What is the second latter?  Is it Eire or Erin?

Claim – is it aver, or avow?

Price rise – bump or jump?

Cell inhabitants – nuns or cons?

Prohibit – bar or ban?

Talk a lot – yak or gab?

Geological period – era or eon?

Sleep – nod or nap?

The top – acme or apex?

Peak – top or tip?

Not real – fake or faux?

Hand warmers – mitts or muffs?

Gourmet delicacy – snail or quail?

Hurled – flung or slung?

Comics dog – Otto or Odie?

Over – atop or upon?

The 411 – info or data?

Stop up – plug or clog?

Exploited – milked or bilked?

Wicked – evil or vile?

Senate yes – aye or yea?

Kick out – eject or evict?

Made mad – angered or enraged?

Outdo – beat or best?

Pants part – seat or seam?

Agree with – sync or side?

Father-involved – parental or paternal?….or, if mother’s involved – prenatal

Old-time actress, in five letters – starts with GA.  Ooh!  Ooh!  I got this!  Green Acres TV show – Eva Gabor.  Oops. Sorry!  Even old-timier than that – Greta Garbo!  Same five letters – different order.  Rats!

Dog food brand (in four) – Iams or Alpo

Because of the product that they provide, crossword composers are usually exacting and precise in the usage of words in both their clues, and solutions.  Sadly, illiteracy and incorrect usage creep in, even among the best.

The solution to doesn’t want to, is the six-letter word averse, not the seven-letter adverse, which means, unfavorable, contrary, opposing.

The correct response, (in four letters, second letter I), to lay low is kill.  To hide, is to lie low.

The pedant in me says that core group is not a cadre!  A cadre is a frame or border, which contains other things placed inside.  If you’re pretentious enough to use the word cadre, then your core group are the newbies.

Muss one’s hair.  Tussle means wrestle, scuffle or struggle  It’s not accurate, unless we’re talking about Amos, from the 9 Chickweed Lane comic strip – tousle comes from the Scottish touse – to handle roughly – to dishevel.

Finally, we get to related things which occur serially and sequentially, but are not identical.

Festive nights are not eves!  Eve is the short form for evening, the time when light and dark are about the same – dusk, twilight, nightfall, even gloaming – depending on the date, perhaps from Six P.M. till Nine.   ‘Nights’ continue through till sunup the next morning, but very few festive parties do.

To fill a pipe does not mean tamp.  They are two separate actions.  A pipe must first be filled, before the tobacco can be tamped down for a slow, even smoulder.  It’s why Scotty stopped smoking a pipe.  When he was smoking someone else’s tobacco, he crammed so much into the bowl that he could hardly draw.  When he was smoking his own, there was so little that it wasn’t worth it.

Ties vs. laces.  I see teenagers all the time, whose shoes have been laced, the ends of which are dragging on the ground, untied.  I often wonder why they, or someone else, don’t step on a trailing end, and produce an epic face-plant.

Unlatch a gate – open.  I can unlatch a gate, and leave it for the dog, or the cows, or even my buddy the burglar, to open when it is necessary, or convenient.

Assuming that the therapy session goes well, and the meds kick in, I’ll be back, as usual, in a couple of days.  You’ve been warned.  😉

by

Roadside Salvation

If Karma actually exists, I’m pretty sure that I’ve used up my lifetime supply of good fortune.

Once upon a time….

When I grew old enough to get my drivers’ licence, my father allowed me the use of the car on Saturday evenings.  I would drop my parents off at his gig as an emcee at a dance party just before 9 PM, and come back and pick them up, just after midnight.

Across the summer, some friends and I covered a wide range of the county.  On into September, the new car models had been released, and we wanted to have a look at them at a car show over in the Big City.  Perhaps Dad had heard of our exploits.  Maybe we weren’t leaving enough gas in the tank.  As I dropped them off, Dad said, “Don’t leave town.”  Right, Dad.

We’d had summer jobs, but now that we were back in school, money was a bit short.  We all kicked in 50¢ for gas, because, back then, $2 would fuel our little Vauxhall for most of a week.  Then it was a half-hour, high-speed run to the arena.  The rest of our pocket change got us into a show at 9:30, which was over at 10.  We had a quick chance to drool over the new models.

When they kicked us out, I still had two hours before I needed to be back, but there might be other things to do, so the trip back was as fast as the one over.  Suddenly, out in the country, a red warning light popped up on the dash, so I immediately pulled over and shut it down.

Ten miles from the city, fifteen miles from home, we were two and a half miles in either direction from two tiny crossroad villages – which were already shut down when we passed through earlier.
What’s the matter with it?  I dunno.
Are we stuck out here?  Probably.
What are we gonna do?  I dunno.

Just before panic began to set in, a pair of headlights appeared from behind.  We weren’t even smart enough to flag the driver down, but he pulled over anyway.  It was a 21-year-old gear-head, driving around to impress his 18-year-old girlfriend with the old car that he was restoring.  It didn’t look like much, but it purred when it pulled over.
What’s the matter? –  A red light came on the dash.
It’s probably the fan belt.  Do you have a flashlight?
No. –  I’ll get mine.

He popped the hood and shone the light in.  Sure enough, there was a decided lack of fan belt.  From driving a little English car 10 miles, at 85 MPH??!  Who knew?  He said that it was a good thing that I’d pulled over right away.  With the water pump and cooling system not working, I could have overheated the engine and damaged it.  It probably wouldn’t have mattered.  With the generator also not working, it was running off the battery.  A couple more miles with the headlights on, and that would have died too.  We were well and truly FUBARed.

He said, “I think I know a guy who can help.  Hop in.”  I snuggled in next to his girl, and we headed back to the city.  On the way, he told me that he worked as a junior mechanic for a guy who ran a small garage and Esso gas station.  In tourist country, and during tourist season, he pumped gas until 11 PM on Saturday nights.

It was ten after eleven when we arrived, and the lights were all off, but we could see the owner still finishing paperwork at his desk.  My hero thumped on the door, and got us let in.
Whaddya want??
Buddy here blew a fan belt, out on the highway, and needs another one.

He went to the reference sheet, selected the correct one and lifted it down.  Boss-man said that it cost about $6 – the equivalent of two hours labor.  He looked at me and said, “You guys got any money?”  We’re busted flatter than piss on a plate.  He must have had a running tab for the parts and pieces that he needed for his chariot.  “Put it on the list of stuff I owe you for, Mel.”

Soon we were heading back to the three friends I’d abandoned in the stygian darkness, and the car which had cooled to work on.  “You got any tools?  Duh!!  “We’ll use mine.”  He opened the trunk, and opened his toolbox.  Changing a fan belt on that car was so dead simple, even I could do it.  All we needed was an adjustable wrench.  Still, I held the flashlight while he did the work.  “Start it up.”  It started and ran well, with no warning light.  “Okay, you’re good to go.”

He was exactly the right person, at exactly the right time, in exactly the right place, with the right friends, the right tool set, and the right mindset.  We were too naïve to even think of offering to mail him some money – which we didn’t have.  Other than offering our sincere thanks, is there anything we can do for you?  “Just pay it forward.  If you see someone in trouble, and you can help, stop and offer it.”  I like to think that’s a philosophy that I’d have engaged in, even without his urging.  I didn’t ask him if he was a Good Christian.  I don’t even remember exchanging names, but I remember his kindness.

Of course, after all of this, I didn’t make it to the appointed pickup spot, at the appointed time.  When I finally arrived home, Mom was a little miffed that she’d had to walk half a mile, with her short little legs, in a tight skirt and heels, up a fairly steep hill.

After Dad demanded and got a complete explanation of what had happened, he was a bit more pragmatic.  “This is why I told you not to leave town.  Still, everything worked out nicely.  I guess it’s better that it happened to you tonight, than to me on my way to work on Monday morning.”

And they all lived happily ever after.

The End