Tag Archives: police

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Pretty Little Snowflake

Canadian snowflakes are flakier than Americans snowflakes.  I can prove it.

It all began on a warm, sunny, Southern-Ontario, summer day.  One, of Canada’s answers to American First-Amendment auditors, put on a floppy hat, a large pair of dark sunglasses, pulled his Covid mask up over his nose, grabbed his expensive electronic recording equipment, and went to a nearby plaza.  There, he stood outside, on the public sidewalk, and recorded cars going through a Tim Horton’s coffee-shop drive-thru lane.

The 18-year-old, female drive-thru server was just terrified by this apparition.  She did not contact plaza management.  She did not notify plaza security.  She did not voice her concerns to her own manager.  She just called 911.  Two police officers soon arrived.  They had a quick look.  They asked a couple of questions.  They shook the cammer’s hand, and went into the coffee shop to assure staff and patrons that there was no danger, and that everything was legal, and left.

But they didn’t make the big, bad man go away, so she did what every Entitled Princess-In-Training would do – she called her Mommy and Daddy.  They arrived, and confronted the photographer.  Mrs. Entitled immediately went into full harpy mode – screaming, yelling, demanding, ordering, insulting, and ending by, live and online, accusing the cameraman of being a pervert and a pedophile.

When the cammer stood his ground, Mr. Entitled aggressively pushed him in the chest three times, the last one almost driving him into the path of a car exiting the plaza.  He then violently swatted the recording equipment away, breaking the support frame, and smashing the camera against a passing car.  THEN THEY CALLED THE POLICE.

The cammer was able to show the responding officer video footage from a body-camera, and was close enough to record the Entitleds’ report.  Mr. Entitled was quiet, but his wife was still in full rant mode.
He’s a pervert, and a pedophile, recording a minor!
The daughter you just told me was 18??
Well, he made death threats!
Do you have any recorded proof of that, or corroborating witness?
No, but just look at him.

They were just astounded at what their little snit earned them.  Mrs. Entitled was charged with improper use of an emergency system, filing a false police report, public mischief, and a civil charge with litigation, for defamation of character and malicious libel.

Daddy Dearest got four separate charges of felonious assault, one of reckless endangerment, two of destruction of property, and two civil suits for repair/replacement of the destroyed video camera, and the unfortunate, innocent, passerby-driver’s car.  This pampered little nut didn’t fall far from the dotty doting parent trees.

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Childish Humor

After a young couple brought their new baby home, the wife suggested that her husband should try his hand at changing diapers.  “I’m busy,” he said, “I’ll do the next one.”  The next time came around and she asked again.  The husband looked puzzled, “Oh! I didn’t mean the next diaper. I meant the next baby!”

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A woman walked out of the bank and suddenly realized she didn’t have her car keys.
She rushed back inside, searched her purse, and gasped:
“Oh no—I must have left the keys in the car!”
Running to the parking lot, she froze. The car was gone.
Panicked, she called the police, reported the car stolen, and even gave them the license plate number.
Then came the hardest call of her life… to her husband.
Stammering, she said, “Honey, the car’s been stolen. I left the keys inside!”

Her husband thundered: “Are you kidding me? I DROPPED you off at the bank—you didn’t even take the car!”  The woman sighed in relief, “Thank God!”  Then she asked, “Can you come pick me up?”
Her husband replied: “Gladly… just as soon as I convince the police I didn’t steal our own car!”

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My wife sent me a sweet text that read,
“If you’re sleeping, send me your dreams.”
“If you’re laughing, send me your smile.”
“If you’re crying, send me your tears. I love you!”

I replied, “I’m on the toilet, please advise.”

***

Dispatcher: “911, what’s your emergency?”

Caller: “Yeah, um, my wife got badly attacked by a warthog, and I need someone to come up with an ambulance to come pick her up”.

Dispatcher: “Ok, sir, can you give me your address?”

Caller: Yeah, we’re at 1825 Eucalyptus Drive.”

Dispatcher: “Ok, could you spell that for me, sir?”

After a slight pause.

Caller: “Erm, I’m going to drag her over to Oak Street, and you can pick her up there.”

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’25 A To Z Challenge – U

We have all met a few (hopefully) of those pushy, nosy, bullies who work so hard to make any of your business, any of their business – police, co-workers, relatives – in-laws and outlaws.  I have a (very) little, grudging respect for the arrogant, egotistical assholes who just come right out and do it.  At least they have the conviction of their beliefs.

The worst ones – the ones who irritate me the most – are the

UNCTUOUS

Oily, having an oily feel
characterized by excessive piousness or moralistic fervor, especially in an affected manner; excessively smooth, suave, or smug.

ones – the ones who Shakespeare described as, How like a fawning publican he looks.  The ones who hide behind a fake smile – a shit-eating grin, and still want you to give up your information, your rights, your freedom.

I’m your friend.
I don’t really want to give you a ticket.  I am just following orders.
If you just obey me, it will be much easier for you.

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WTF One-Liners

How many teenage girls does it take to change a light bulb?….
….Whatever!

I have an entomology joke….
….but it clearly bugs everyone.

I retired when I started going blind….
….I just couldn’t see working any longer.

Have you played the updated kids game….
….I Spy With My Little I-Phone?

DRAMA, The word boring people use….
….to describe fun people.

I’m not saying that your perfume is too strong….
….I’m just saying that the canary was alive when you arrived.

I like older women, because they’ve got used to life’s disappointments….
….which means they are ready for me.

Life without women would be a pain in the ass….
….literally.

I saw two guys wearing matching clothing, and asked if they were gay….
….They arrested me.

I think sex is better than logic….
….but I can’t prove it.

I’m at the age where….
….I can’t take anything with a grain of salt.

You know you’re getting old when….
….you can’t tell the difference between current band names, and typos.

What’s something you’re too old to do?….
….Give a shit.

The wife claims I turn everything she says to my advantage….
….I take that as a compliment.

Before I got married, I didn’t even know….
….there’s a wrong way to put milk back in the refrigerator.

I was an English major in college….
….in case there’s ever an emergency involving a comma.

Knock, knock….
….Who’s there?….
….To….
….To, who?….
….To whom.

I went to the world’s greatest psychic, and knocked on her door….
….She said, “Who is it?”

I admit that I live in the past….
….but only because the housing is so much cheaper.

Instead of saying “like,” I now say “such as”….
….because I such as to sound smart.

User: The word computer professionals use….
….when they mean, “Idiot!”

How many chiropractors does it take to change a light bulb?….
….Only one, but it takes eight visits.

Last week I spotted an albino Dalmatian….
….Seemed like the least I could do for him.

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Fibbing Friday #291

Mixed bag from Pensitivity101’s brain last week. Your definitions or insights on these please.

1. What is an heirloom?

It’s a valuable, antique, cloth-making device that I received from my Grandmother’s estate.

2. What is The Big Dipper?

That’s what I use to serve myself hot and sour soup, at the all-you-can-eat Chinese Buffet.  I tried carrying the whole samovar back to the table – but those damned things are hot.

3. What is a titfer? (Keep it family friendly remember!!)

I’ll have to put on my thinking cap to come up with an answer for that one.

4. What is a mud flap?

That’s the fuss that’s caused by a driver who doesn’t slow down, or move aside, near a puddle and a pedestrian.

5. What is a barrel roll?

It is how the local Oktoberfest is kicked off.  Not long after, we have over-enthusiastic tourists imitating the barrel – rolling along the gutter and spewing (used) beer.

6. Why did Polly want a cracker?

Because she promised to go blue-screen-free for 6 weeks, and isn’t getting any cookies/biscuits.

7. What is meant by ‘trip the light fantastic?’

It’s what could happen if you imbibe too much liquid Christmas cheer, try to decorate the tree, and tangle your  feet in all those #$*%& cords.

8. What is a diffuser?

A member of an elite military or police branch who safely neutralize and remove explosive devices

9. What is a valet?

It’s the upmarket product line being offered by Simca Motors.  People will purchase Hyundai Genesis, and Honda Acura, but no-one has been able to stop laughing long enough to buy one of these.

10. What is a noggin?

It’s the headache/hangover caused by absorbing too much Christmas rum and egg nog.

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25 A To Z Challenge – F

I have foregone a binge-watching marathon of all the Fast and Furious movies, to bring you this fabulous word that you think you know, but don’t.

FELL

Oh sure, clumsy clod, tripped over the floor and landed – SPLAT!! – on his face.  Nah…. That’s the verb form.  I’m talking about the archaic adjective version, which means cruel, or ruthless.  Unlucky people were said to be forced to live in fell circumstances.  Since both of those could involve quick treachery and betrayal, it also came to mean sudden.  The carefully coordinated police drug raids rounded all the dealers up in one fell swoop.

I was going to offer you more information that you could actually use on Wednesday, but my blog is on an exercise kick.  After I exercise my right to Freedom From Religion, I’m going to Hop, Skip, and Jump over to Fibbing Friday.

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I See – But I Don’t See

People see what they expect to see.  They see what they want to see.  It is far easier to fool someone, than to convince them that they have been fooled.

I recently watched YouTube video from a civil rights auditor, simply trying to spread the message of God Bless The Homeless Veterans, hand-printed on a cardboard sign.  It began with a screen shot of a police incident report, and had the audio of the phone call that caused it.

Hi.  I just dropped my son off at school, and I’m worried for him.  There’s a homeless bum, panhandling on school property.  He’s yelling at the students and he won’t leave.

Every one of those claims is absolutely false!

First the school security officer came out and tried to bully him to move on, (Y’all can’t do that here.) but was told that he was on public property, (the sidewalk) indulging in a Constitutionally-protected activity, and that the cammer was going to stay for a while.
If you don’t leave, I’m going to call the cops.
Do what you gotta do.

Sure enough, within minutes, a police officer showed up and began the bullying and misinformed harassment again.
You can’t be panhandling.  We have a city ordinance against panhandling.
I am not panhandling.  I have never asked for money.
Well, you were yelling at the students, causing a disturbance.
I didn’t yell at anybody.  I never raised my voice.
I’m trespassing you from school property, because you refused to leave when asked.
I have never been on school property.  I have video proof of that.  I was never asked to leave.
We have had several phone calls, saying that you did.  WHY WOULD THEY LIE?

Several??!  We know of only one phone call.  Why would the officer lie?  Because he believed it.  Even if there were more than the one call – the callers weren’t lying.  They were mistaken – although, perhaps not honestly.

What they saw….  A man they didn’t recognize, with no car, no kid to drop off, and a camera – therefore a danger.  Wearing shorts and a hoodie,– not dressed in white collar, not dressed in blue collar, and  sticking around – therefore, no job to go to, no income, broke, homeless, a bum, and panhandling.  He obviously wouldn’t politely remain on the sidewalk.  He would try to follow the kids into the school, to get money from the students, and when they refused, he would get loud, and possibly violent.

I don’t fault the parents for their concern for their children.  I do blame police officers like this one who arrive with their minds already made up, blindly believing what someone has claimed, ignoring ‘Innocent until shown guilty,‘  refusing to look at evidence or accept suspects’ explanations.

One of the main intentions of Civil Right auditors is to educate the public, especially policemen, and demonstrate Everyone’s legal rights, and how easy it is to lose them.  Anyone who gives up freedom for security, winds up with neither.  Far too many police don’t want the laws of the country obeyed; they just want peace and quiet, and are willing and eager to flex their unlawful power and authority to achieve it.

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Give Me Liberty, Or Give Me Death

Those who give up freedoms for security, will receive neither.

Police do not want to enforce the laws.  They want peace and quiet.

Sadly, so do too many citizens, at the expense of their, and others’, guaranteed rights and freedoms.  I hear apologies and excuses like, “Somebody nosing around the back of a police station could be setting a bomb, sabotaging vehicles, or planning an ambush shooting. People pushing their rights should think about how they look to those they are pushing against.”

All of that is true.  HOWEVER….  Anticipating that police are often required to make difficult decisions quickly, cool-minded, forward-thinking planners have established a whole directory of rules and regulations, tactics, plans, procedures, policies and protocols, strategies, statutes, and laws that should be followed in any problematic situation.

The US Supreme Court has ruled that ‘suspicion’ is not a crime, and that investigation must be carried out before slapping handcuffs on someone and hot-boxing them in the back of a cruiser.  Police are not allowed to definitely break the law, just because a citizen might be doing something illegal.

A well-known Florida auditor travelled to a small Georgia city, also well-known for mistreating homeless, panhandlers, transients…. and auditors.  He stood right outside the city hall, with a large cardboard sign that read “FUCK City Hall.”  Immediately, the mayor and three police officers appeared.  At first, they tried to claim that he was ‘soliciting’ (panhandling – which the US Supreme Court has ruled is an appeal for social assistance, and protected First Amendment speech) but he quickly rebutted that, and claimed freedom of speech.

They were obviously more enraged at this act of rebellion, than the content of the sign, but made a big deal about it, claiming that the word ‘FUCK’ was an obscenity that the city had a bylaw against.  He informed them that, again, it was protected free speech.

Several times they demanded and ordered him to leave.  Several times he demurred, citing the Constitutional right to redress of social grievances on the steps of city hall.  The attacks grew sharper and stronger.  Finally, he said,  “What are you gonna do, if I don’t leave?”  “You will be arrested and charged.”  “I don’t want to be arrested, because then I would have to sue you for violating my Constitutional rights.”  “Go ahead and sue, smart guy!  I don’t give a shit about your Constitutional rights!” – an attitude mirrored by far too many police officers.

“Okay, under threat of arrest, I will leave.”  “Too late!  If you wanna play the game, you have to pay the price.  You’re under arrest.”  The actual, final outcome of this altercation was probably strongly influenced by the handsy female Negro cop, who was clearly seen and heard on camera to say, “If we can’t do it the right way, we’ll do it our way.”  A year later, the Georgia Supreme Court ordered that all records of his arrest and charges had to be expunged.  The unlawful panhandling and obscenity bylaws had to be rescinded.  The mayor had to issue an official, printed apology, and ensure that a digital copy was posted on the city’s website, and an unspecified amount of punitive damages had to be paid.

King James (Yeah, That King James – the one with the Bible) once said, “It is better that a thousand innocents be tortured to death, than that one witch be allowed to live.”  It is disheartening that the actions and attitudes of petty tyrants have not improved appreciably in four hundred years.  😮

Original post here

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Law-Abiding Comedy

Police Officer Test

How do you tell the difference between an English police officer, a Canadian police officer, an American police officer, and a Scottish police officer?

QUESTION: You’re on duty by yourself (Don’t ask why.  You just are, and your Sergeant hates you) walking on a deserted street, late at night.  Suddenly a huge man with a knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, and lunges at you.  You are carrying your truncheon, and are an expert at using it.  However, you only have a split-second to react before he reaches you.  What do you do?

ANSWER:

BRITISH OFFICER
Firstly, you have to consider the man’s civil rights.
1. Does the man look poor or oppressed?
2. Is he newly arrived in this country and does not understand the law?
3. Is this really a knife, or a ceremonial dagger?
4. Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack?
5. Am I dressed provocatively?
6. Can I run away?
7. Could I possibly swing my truncheon, and knock the knife out of his hand?
8. Should I try and negotiate with him and discuss his wrong-doings?
9. Why am I carrying a truncheon anyway, and what kind of message does this give to society?
10. Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content to merely wound me?
11. If I were to grab his knees and hold on, would he still want to stab and kill me?
12. If I raise my truncheon and he runs away, do I get blamed if he trips, falls down, smacks his head, and dies?
13. If I hurt him and lose the subsequent court case, does he have the opportunity to sue me, and cost me my job, my credibility, and my family home?

CANADIAN OFFICER
THUMP!!

AMERICAN OFFICER
Bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang!!
Click, reload.
Bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang!

SCOTTISH OFFICER
Haw, Jimmy..  Drop the knife noo, unless ya want it shoved up yer arse.

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Quora Challenge – Death

DO YOU KNOW ANYONE WHO HAS KILLED SOMEONE?

Sadly, yes!  Not police or Armed Forces.  Back in the bad old days when drinking and driving was a National Sport, in the late ‘40s and ‘50s, bar-crawlers near me didn’t foul their own nest.  If they wanted to get drunk and obnoxious, and make fools of themselves, they did it in another town, so that their wives and neighbors didn’t know about it.  😉

My uncle and a friend drove 25 miles north.  That’s where they met my soon-to-be Father, back from the War, and introduced him to my Mother, so that I could come to be.  Another local man drove to a town 25 miles south each Saturday night.

The road out to the highway used to end at a T-intersection, but with increased traffic, the Department Of Highways had installed a curved, merge-ramp.  Early one Sunday morning, three – or four – or five – sheets to the wind, he came screaming around that bend.  He sideswiped a carload of tourists, pushing them across the road, through a shallow ditch, and into a tree.

Before seatbelts or airbags, he killed the Father/driver, two young, loose, kids in the backseat, and badly smashed up the passenger/mother.  He got a fine, a suspended sentence, and a talking-to from the judge.  He owned a furniture store, and also ran the funeral home.  The dark joke was that he was drumming up customers.

Properties on our edge of town tended to be large.  My Mother bought an acre of land with her house.  A block away, another couple owned a large piece.  Their daughter grew up, and decided to marry a self-employed plumber.  They severed a house-lot at the corner of their land, and he had a house built, literally a walk through the garden to his in-laws.

Somehow, he also managed to kill someone with his work-truck.  He also escaped jail, but had a HUGE civil judgement against him.  It would have guaranteed that he and his wife would have lived in poverty for the rest of their lives.  Every dollar he made would have been seized to pay the debt

Back before there were laws to prevent it, suddenly, She owned everything.  The house and property were in her name.  The truck was in her name.  The tools were in her name.  The supplies were in her name, and he was a dollar-a-year employee, for tax purposes.  He had to be a good little boy husband from then on, because she had him right by the short and curlies wallet.