Tag Archives: professional

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Too Weak Fibbing Friday

Last week, Pensitivity101said that we have to endure a fortnight of the Olympics, here are the other 10 questions in her newsletter this month. Fib away for gold my friends!

  1. In which four years have the modern Olympics been cancelled?

Those were years when the IOC could not locate a corporate sponsor.  Individual competitors can be banned, even if they just worked as a barista at Starbucks during college, to keep body and soul together, but just look at the product placement in the TV broadcasts.

  1. When were women first permitted to compete in the modern Olympics?

It was during the Roaring 20s, when they still had co-ed changing rooms.  Happy Days Are Here Again!

  1. When did the first Refugee team make its debut?

When the Roman armada rowed into Athens harbour.

  1. What does the Olympic motto “Citius, altius, fortius” mean?

It means that the smog over Paris is getting thicker by the moment.  Frenchmen smoke like it’s mandatory.  The name of the popular brand, “Galois” means floor sweepings and rat droppings.

  1. What do the five Olympic rings represent?

The five sunny-side-up fried eggs that I had for breakfast this morning.  Just ask Dagwood.  He’ll confirm it.

  1. Who is the most decorated modern Olympian, with 23 Olympic gold medals?

That would be Donnie the Dip, the world’s slickest pickpocket.  He specializes in getting into Olympic locker rooms and change areas, using keys and badges that he snaffles from officials’ pockets, and manages to snag a medal or two at each set of games.  I’m sure that he’s picked up one or two more this past fortnight.  He intends to melt them down, and cast them into fake Oscar statuettes – items that have some actual worth.

  1. Which two countries discovered they had the same flag at the 1936 Olympics?

That was Afghanistan, and Zimbabwe.  They thought that they were the farthest away from each other, alphabetically, and no-one would notice.  Then they realized that they were side-by-side, when a new list was started.

  1. At the 1908 Olympics the City of London Police team won the gold medal in which event?

It’s not clear whether it was interpretive riot-quelling, or competitive belling.  Back then, they used real bells.  Research results are a bit hazy, because records are heavily redacted – or maybe someone’s inkpot just got knocked over.

  1. Which city will host the Summer Olympics for the third time in 2028?

That will be Delhi, India.  They will be known as the Schistosomiasis Games, and all participants are promised a parasite to take home with them.  Tons of brightly-coloured powders to throw around, are already being manufactured out of bat guano and elephant droppings.

  1. Who founded the modern Olympics?

Elon Musk did.  Not finding them profitable, or exciting enough, he traded them in for Twitter – which he later Xed out – and a son, to be named Later.

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’23 A To Z Challenge – R

My surname says that I am descended from a blacksmith.  I claim that my retirement avocation is as a wordsmith.  I thought that, for the letter R, I might introduce you to some of the less well-known members of the Smith clan, beginning with

REDSMITH

The term “redsmith” is used for a tinsmith that uses tinsmithing tools and techniques to make copper items.  Also see coppersmith. 

A tinsmith is a person who makes and repairs things made of tin or other light metals. The profession may sometimes also be known as a tinner, tinker, tinman, or tinplate worker; whitesmith may also refer to this profession.

A whitesmith is a metalworker who does finishing work on iron and steel such as filing, lathing, burnishing or polishing.  The term also refers to a person who works with “white” or light-colored metals, and is sometimes used as a synonym for tinsmith.

First, an apology to all my American readers.  A Canadian submitter to Wikipedia claims that whitesmith is the opposite of blacksmith.  We are sadly aware that Yobs with two-digit IQ levels reside north of the border also.  That’s like asking what the color of number 14 is.  There is no opposite of blacksmith!!  If there were, it wouldn’t be ‘whitesmith.’  The opposite of hard-working ‘blacksmith’ would be Cheeto-eating, MMRP-playing couch-potato.  Ya coulda just kept yer mouth shut, and people wouldn’t know that yer an idiot!

All us ‘Smiths’ are fabricators of something or other.  I better go finish fabricating a Wednesday post, before I have to fabricate an excuse why all the Cheetos and beer are gone.  CU then!  😎

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Fighting For One-Liners

I just won my first cage fight….
….The parrot didn’t know what hit him.

I was reading this book today, The History of Glue….
….I couldn’t put it down.

I hired a handyman to do some odd jobs around the house….
….He did every other thing on the list.

I made strawberry jam today….
….It was a jarring experience.

Snaccident….
….Eating an entire bag of chips by mistake.

Women only have two problems….
….Nothing to wear, and no room for all their clothes.

Life is like a helicopter….
….I don’t know how to operate a helicopter.

It’s probably just my age….
…That tricks people into thinking I’m an adult.

The Devil whispered to me, “I’m coming for you.”….
….I said, “Bring pizza.”

If you’re lost in the woods, start talking about politics….
….Someone will show up to argue with you.

When a clock is hungry….
….It goes back four seconds.

I often break into song….
….Because I can’t find the key.

I just sold my homing pigeon on eBay….
….For the 22nd time.

I’m not lazy….
….I’m just in Energy-Saving Mode.

What do you call a person who studies soft drinks?….
….A Fizzicist.

If I eat 3 bags of chips, and drink 4 cans of soda, what do I have?….
….No self-control.

My wife said, “I’m going out for a couple of hours.  Do you want anything?”….
….I replied, No, that’s enough.”

I couldn’t sleep last night, so I started reading the dictionary….
….By 3:00 AM I was past caring.

To the two criminals who stole my calendar….
….I hope you both get six months.

Did you hear about the criminal who pick-pocketed a dwarf?….
….How could he stoop so low?

I’ve heard of a lot of dumb criminals….
….But bakery robbers take the cake.

I think I need professional help….
….A chef, a butler, and a maid should do it.

Did you know that 2 or 3 glasses of wine a day….
….Can reduce your chances of giving a shit.

Let’s talk again, after they find….
….A cure for your personality.

Tradition is….
….Peer pressure from the dead.

My New Year’s resolution is to procrastinate….
….I’ll start tomorrow.

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A To Z Challenge – S

april-challenge

UPSTAIRS, DOWNSTAIRS

letter-s

I want to discuss my ancestors, but the above title is a lie. Upstairs/Downstairs was a British TV series dealing with the various goings-on of the upper-crust, upper-floor rich folk in a mansion, and the serving class below them, both physically and socially, who provided their every whim and wish.

My forebears didn’t live in no stinkin’ mansion, making tea, and cucumber sandwiches for effete dilettantes.   My folks have been industrious, productive people for hundreds of years.  They were ‘blue-collar’ long before blue collars existed.  A more accurate title might be Manor-House/Mill-house – and never the twain shall meet.

My father’s name (and mine) was Smith.  His progenitors originally were productive German artisans named Schmied.  Over many years, the name changed to Schmidt, and was carried to the newly-born United States of America by a Hessian mercenary, paid by the British.  After another hundred years, it got Anglicized to Smith.

Smith is a proud name, and a proud profession. It originally meant, one who produces, makes or manufactures something. Then the language changed so that it meant, a worker in metal.  Finally, the meaning narrowed to just the blacksmith, who pounds hot iron and steel.

I like to think of myself as a wordsmith.  I received blacksmith training in my high school shop class.  (Yes, I lived that far out in the sticks, and back in the mists of time.)  Blacksmith is making a comeback, both through the custom knife and sword makers, and artisans who supply millennial hipsters with hand-made gate latches, coat-racks, porch rails and coffee tables.

My mother’s side of the family supplied the name Stewart.  This is a Scottish name from the English word steward, meaning, one who takes take of something.  The spelling of this name also slipped a bit, to Stuart, and a branch of the clan became the Royal Stuarts, ruling, and ‘taking care of’, Scotland.

Before he emigrated from Glasgow to Canada, my maternal grandfather became the ‘Keeper of the Tartans’ at the fabric mill where he worked. He was the steward of the patterns of the plaids which clothed a good portion of the country.

letter-s-super

All in all, I think maybe this is the S that I should have chosen for this post.  I’m impressed with my family history.  How about you?  😎