I do sit-ups every morning.  That may not sound like much, but there are only so many times you can hit the snooze button.

***

Given the success of McRib, McDonalds is considering a new sandwich made entirely of beef lips.  They plan on calling it the McJagger.

***

My father always complains about the cost of food. “$4 for coffee is ridiculous!” “$6 for a turkey sandwich is outrageous!” That’s the last time I invite him to stay over at my house….

***

Track coach: Now run like the wind.
Dude from Oklahoma: *spins*

***

A husband and wife are out shopping, looking at home décor items. The wife sees a rug that she likes and points it out to her husband, “What about a rug? I like this one here.”

The husband takes a look at the rug, then lovingly responds to his wife. “Honey, no rugs. If you’re going to fly, it’s going to be with a broom, like your mom.”

***

I am giving up drinking alcohol for the month of January.
Oops. Sorry. Autocorrect did that wrong.
I am giving up. Drinking alcohol for the month of January.

***

A crew is flying a plane.  The captain gets up and says to the young co-pilot: “Alright kid, I’m going to use the toilet. While I’m gone, think about this — will the total weight of the plane go down while I’m in the bathroom?”

The rookie’s sitting there all serious, thinking it through:

“Hmmm… the toilet’s a closed system, so technically the poop stays on board. Therefore, the weight shouldn’t change.”

The captain comes back, and the kid proudly gives his answer.

The captain just shakes his head and goes, “You idiot! Of course the plane got lighter — it’s been burning fuel while I was gone! You’re over here thinking about crap instead of aviation!”