My wife still hasn’t told me….
….what my New Year’s resolutions are.

She asked if she could have a little quiet while she made dinner….
….so I took the batteries out of the smoke detector.

I had a vasectomy so that my wife wouldn’t get pregnant….
….All it did though, was change the color of the baby.

I told my wife that my Mom was deaf, so speak loud and slow….
…..then I told my Mom that the wife had something wrong with her.

Without my loving wife….
….I would have no clue of all the things I do wrong.

A lethal dose of something….
….is also a lifetime supply.

What do you call fancy profanity?….
….Cursive.

I don’t use profanity….
….I speak trucker, with a sailor accent.

Beer does not make you fat….
….It makes you lean – against things.

I wonder if people look both ways….
….before they get on my F#@king nerves.

Lead me not into temptation….
….Who am I kidding??  Follow me.  I know a shortcut.

I actually prefer tinnitus….
….to Christmas music.

I’m in an abusive relationship….
….with the cost of living.

My mind thinks I’m 25….
….My body thinks I’m an idiot.

LIFE….
….Not as fun as advertised – 3/10 rating – Proceed with caution.

People say that I act like I don’t give a shit….
….I’m not acting.

You have to pay some people to be good….
….Not me!  I’m good-for-nothing.

There are two kinds of people….
….1.  Morning people 2. People like me, who want to slap morning people.

It’s just a matter of time till they add….
….the word SYNDROME after my name.

Name a book that made you cry….
….Algebra.

No need to drive me crazy….
….I can walk from here.

In our family, we don’t hide crazy….
….We put it on the porch and give it a beer.

😀