The only person who listens to both sides of an argument….
….is the next-door neighbor.

Vodka mixes well with everything….
….except decisions.

There are two kinds of people in this world….
….I avoid them.

I’ve opened three birthday cards, and I’m up $150….
….I love being a mailman.

If I’ve learned anything in my 23 years on this Earth….
….It’s okay to lie about your age.

I’m first in line at Paranoids Anonymous….
….Everyone else is after me.

I never run with scissors….
….Those last two words were unnecessary.

I’m really getting older….
….My doctor just referred me to an archeologist.

What this country needs….
….are more unemployed politicians.

By replacing your morning coffee with green tea, you can lose up to 87%….
…. of what little joy in life you still have.

I can’t be held responsible for what….
….my face does when you talk.

A perfectionist walks into a bar, but immediately leaves….
….Apparently, the bar wasn’t set high enough.

Bacon is actually the second reason I’m not a vegan….
….I’m not a moron, being the first.

Last night I dreamed I was an automobile muffler….
….I woke up exhausted.

I’m beginning think that, for some people….
….the wheels on their bus do not go ‘round and ‘round.

When you said “Friends with benefits”….
….I thought you owned a taco truck.

When people bring up my hell-raising past….
….I remind them that Jesus dropped all the charges.

Girls nowadays are like a box of chocolates….
….Some of them have nuts.