Police Officer Test

How do you tell the difference between an English police officer, a Canadian police officer, an American police officer, and a Scottish police officer?

QUESTION: You’re on duty by yourself (Don’t ask why.  You just are, and your Sergeant hates you) walking on a deserted street, late at night.  Suddenly a huge man with a knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, and lunges at you.  You are carrying your truncheon, and are an expert at using it.  However, you only have a split-second to react before he reaches you.  What do you do?

ANSWER:

BRITISH OFFICER
Firstly, you have to consider the man’s civil rights.
1. Does the man look poor or oppressed?
2. Is he newly arrived in this country and does not understand the law?
3. Is this really a knife, or a ceremonial dagger?
4. Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack?
5. Am I dressed provocatively?
6. Can I run away?
7. Could I possibly swing my truncheon, and knock the knife out of his hand?
8. Should I try and negotiate with him and discuss his wrong-doings?
9. Why am I carrying a truncheon anyway, and what kind of message does this give to society?
10. Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content to merely wound me?
11. If I were to grab his knees and hold on, would he still want to stab and kill me?
12. If I raise my truncheon and he runs away, do I get blamed if he trips, falls down, smacks his head, and dies?
13. If I hurt him and lose the subsequent court case, does he have the opportunity to sue me, and cost me my job, my credibility, and my family home?

CANADIAN OFFICER
THUMP!!

AMERICAN OFFICER
Bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang!!
Click, reload.
Bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang!

SCOTTISH OFFICER
Haw, Jimmy..  Drop the knife noo, unless ya want it shoved up yer arse.