Tag Archives: signs

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Fibbing Friday #311

Mixed batch from Pensitivity101 last week, not all Easter related I might add!

1. Why do we have Easter Eggs?

Because we haven’t got a rise in our government retirement pension, and have to cheaply console ourselves somehow

2. What makes a Hot Cross Bun?

When the wife leaves her coffee mug warmer on my easy chair

3. Why do we have a bunny at Easter?

Because we’re getting older, and can’t eat an entire turkey, or ham

4. In which country did the Easter Bunny originate?

In a little Duchy that no longer exists, called Hopbrauberg.  It was between what became Germany, and Switzerland.  That’s why its national animal is still reproduced in chocolate.

5. How many decorative balls are conventionally on a Simnel cake?

I don’t care how decorative you think they are, pull your damned trousers up.

6.  What is a can?

The pisser in a disreputable pub

7.  What is a can-can?

Two pissers in a disreputable pub with pretentions of adequacy – one for both sexes – setters and pointers – but they’re both so small that the cockroaches are hunchbacked

8.  What is a cantaloupe?

It’s the new, hot, genetically-engineered pet.  It looks like a deer, but it’s the size of a Corgi.

9.  What is a canister?

It’s the honey-wagon company that empties the Port-A-Potties in the park.  Their trucks have a sign.
We empty cesspits
We fill swimming pools.
NOT THE SAME TRUCK

  1. What is a candelabra?

An over-shoulder-boulder-holder with mood lighting

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Fibbing Friday #293

Last week, Pensitivity101 wanted to know our definitions for these, please.

1. What is a running stitch?

It’s the sharp pain I get in my side, when I chase the ice-cream truck down the street.

2. What is the collywobbles?

It’s a Jell-O/gelatin salad with cauliflower embedded in it.

3. What is a tea caddy?

He’s the butler who follows rich golfers around, on ritzy, expensive, exclusive country-club golf courses, and serves petit fours and cucumber sandwiches at the ninth hole turn.

4. What is a stick of words?

It lies somewhere between a protest sign, and a cudgel.

5. What is a flash drive?

It’s the new sport that’s replacing streaking, where a friend transports you, standing to attention – au naturel – through the club district, in the bed of his pickup truck.

6. What is a precipice?

The leading cause of death at the Grand Canyon, is guys urinating over the edge.

7. What is a toupee?

An alcoholic Frenchman

8. What is a robin?

The price of eggs these days – chickens are getting paid in crypto-currency.

9. What is linex?

A no longer popular type of kitchen/bathroom flooring

10. What is a brazier?

That’s what a classy redneck calls an over-shoulder-boulder-holder.

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’25 A To Z Challenge – O

HELP!!

Someone stole my blog-post prompt word for the letter O.

Never mind – it was me.

Pensitivity101 distracted me with a Fibbing Friday list, and I put the word

OBFUSCATE

here.  It means to make something unclear or hard to understand, especially deliberately, which I don’t approve of doing – except to get my cheap laugh.

I discovered roller skating at about 15 and used it as a means of exercise and entertainment for 50 years.  With my lack of balance and muscle control, I was never really good at it, but I liked it.  When I moved to this town, there was one roller rink.  Roller skating continued to increase in popularity, until three new rinks were built.  After about 15 years, and the introduction of roller blades, popularity waned.  One rink became a furniture store, one a pharmacy, and one became a dance club.

The original rink held on for years, but as attendance dwindled, eventually found that they could generate more income by offering the space for seminars, craft shows, wedding receptions, and company banquets.  I took to driving 15 miles to our Tri-City, to a rink a block off the Golden Mile.  Finally the value of the land was greater as a hotel, than a roller rink.

For over ten years, there has not been a rink within 75 miles – which is probably a good thing for me, or I might have been seduced into something foolish.  I still own my skates, and a carry-case.  The pendulum is swinging again.  Interest in roller skating – and roller derby – is on the rise.  A small shopping plaza, a mile from the house has put out a roadside sign, announcing the imminent opening of a roller rink.

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Patriotic Duty

Donald Trump has managed to do something that no other politician – domestic or foreign – has ever done.  He has instilled a sense of National Pride in normally blasé Canadians.  He put some lead in our pencils – some backbone in our spine.  He has become the focus of Canadian, and Canadians’, distaste – even hatred.

The echoes of his voice, threatening to annex Canada had hardly faded, when tee-shirts were offered online, that read, CANADA IS NOT FOR SALE! and WE’RE #1 – NOT # 51!  Signs and notices have gone up everywhere.  Companies, businesses, and influential Canucks are urging citizens to Buy Local, Buy Canadian, and Boycott Trump.

Clutch.ca, an online, used-car trader, is busy assuring everyone that they are strictly Canadian, and not a tentacle of an American conglomerate.  Roadhouse/bar, Montana’s boasts that they have been Proudly Canadian for 30 Years.  It might not have been so critical if they’d been named Alberta’s, although that sounds like an Italian spaghetti joint.

Stores, especially groceries, are festooned with little, red, Maple Leaf tags and stickers, telling shoppers which goods are produced in Canada.  Canadians are only polite for so long.  That line may have been reached.  To Have And To Hold!  If Trump tries to go ahead with his hopes and plans for Canada, he may find that both of those are far more difficult than he ever imagined.  Captain Canuck, and all his Canuckleheads will give businessman Trump, the business.

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Cowboy Comedy

A police officer saw a man dressed with a huge cowboy hat, spurs, and six shooters in a big city.
“Excuse me, sir,” said the police officer, “What’s up with the cowboy get up?”
“My name’s Tex and I’m a cowboy, officer. ”
“The police officer said, “So, you’re from Texas?”
“Nope, Louisiana, the cowboy replied.”
“Louisiana? So why are you called Tex?”
“Don’t want to be called Louise, do I?

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A rabbi, a priest, and an atheist walk in to a bar.

The bartender looks at them and points to a sign, labeled: “NO JOKES SERVED HERE” and asks the gentlemen to leave. They reluctantly get up and leave before any discussion between them occurs.

The next day, a horse walks in to this same bar. Once again, the bartender points to the sign: “NO JOKES SERVED HERE”. With a long face, the horse gets up from his bar stool and leaves the building.

The day after that, a chicken walks in to the bar. The bartender approaches the chicken as it sits down. He once again points to the sign and says, “I am sorry, but we don’t allow jokes to be served here.”

“Fine!” says the chicken, clucking with disapproval. “But can you at least tell me where else can I get a drink around here?”

The bartender replies, “Yeah, there’s another bar right across the road.”

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Las Vegas McCarran International Airport experienced two power outages.
Several travelers suffered broken arms beating on slot machines when they stopped spinning.

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Thank God Smokin’ In The Boy’s Room was released in 1973.  Today, it we’d have Vaping In The Gender-Neutral Area.

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I watched my first porno yesterday.  I looked so much younger back then.

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My ex-girlfriend tried to humiliate me by telling all her friends that I was terrible in bed.
Imagine her surprise when they all disagreed with her.

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I bought a new pair of shoes with memory-foam insoles.
No more forgetting why I walked into the kitchen.

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The skulls of your enemies are more environmentally friendly than plastic cups.  Just sayin’!

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Castle Fibbing Friday

Last week Pensitivty101’s questions were provided by Willow. Thanks Willow!
https://willowdot21.wordpress.com/

1.What is a codpiece?

An extra serving at the local fish & chips shop.

2. What is a doublet?

Two pints of stout, for the price of one, during the pub’s “Happy Hour.”

3. Who wears the hose?

That big, strong, handsome, manly-man firefighter.

4. What is a gauntlet?

It is the runway that models parade on, at fashion shows.  The scrawny, underfed models could be replaced with their 13-year-old brothers.  I can’t imagine having sex with most of them.  I might get splinters.

5. What’s kept in the moat?

A couple of cases of Newcastle Brown Ale, to keep them cool, and out of sight of the drunken ostler.

6. Where is the portcullis?

It’s a little device that the wife had installed on my liquor cabinet, which restricts my intake of red wine.  It’s like a Breathalyzer™.  Just blow into the little tube.  If you’re under the limit, it will dispense some more.
I will huff, and puff, and I will blow this damned contraption down.
How much should you spend on a bottle of wine??  About a half an hour.

7. Who wields the battle axe?

My darling wife is …. uh – does.

8. Where is the draw bridge?

Right there on the sign.

9. What is a catapult?

That’s the little “SURPRISE” game that our big feline sometimes likes to play on the dog.  Puppy will enter the living room, when suddenly, out of nowhere, the cat lands in front of her.  He’s half Maine Coon, and only slightly smaller than a Buick.  Neither the dog nor I can figure where he comes from.  I think he hides behind the wallpaper.

10. What is a flagon?

That’s what a jingoist, redneck, hillbilly, American’s got.  A flag on his front porch – a flag on his pickup truck, and even a flag tattooed on his arm.  My country – right or wrong!

 

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Unreal Fibbing Friday

Last week, Pensitivity101 gave us real words but wanted to know what our definitions were.

  1. Hircine

I’m not saying that my neighbours are semi-literate rednecks but….She talks about astrological symbols.  She says that hircine is Virgo.  It’s obviously a very old one.

2. Roorback

Bentley Roorback is the leader of the Thalian Party.  He thinks that MAGA is a valid word, and that Donald Trump was God’s second son.  I’ve heard that, during his interesting college days, he was caught having sex with a goat, and he now hands out Halloween candy to children, that is laced with LSD, and meth.

3. Antithalian♪

We should all be antithalian.  Those people are seriously worrisome.  Back before the advent of the internet, each village used to only have one idiot.  Now they congregate in electronic villages, to shore up each others’ views, and try to convince saner people that The Earth is flat, senior politicians are actually alien lizards in human disguise, and that Hillary Clinton was operating a child-sex ring from the basement of a run-down pizza shop.

4. Novercal

Novercal is the pharmaceutical street-cousin to Novocaine – all of the up, without any of the down.

5. Accismus

It is quite valid, but this is a term that should never be publicly used, in reference to the butt of any of the Kardashians.  (It’s okay to do it with Caitlyn Jenner – butt you’re a pervert!)  They have more money than most small countries, and a flock of free-range lawyers, just scratchin’ to make a name for themselves, and a fat contingency fee.

6. Mundivagant

Like those who sought the Scarlet Pimpernel, I sought the meaning of this word.  I sought it on Dictionary.com.  I sought it on Merriam-Webster.  Cannot locate mundivagant.  Did you mean mendicant?  I sought it here.  I sought it there.  I sought the blighter everywhere.  I sought it in the forests of Canada, the mountains of Peru, the swamps of Borneo.  I travelled the world, real and virtual – without leaving my computer chair.  😎

7. Prefestinate

Prefestinate is an adjective which describes the fuss, the planning, the hard work, leading up to a big celebration of some sort.  The weeks preceding Kitchener’s Oktoberfest are an orgy of prefestinate organized confusion.

8. Apiculate

Something kept goading me – poking me with a sharp stick- to come up with a smart- ass answer for this word.  But I decided to just leaf it alone.  😉

9. Sloomy

She was the downscale girlfriend in a 1965 song made famous by The McCoys – Hang on Sloomy.  She wasn’t gloomy – she was Sloomy, it’s just that her busy social life kept her constantly short of sleep.

10 Ramulose

Like silver hairs among the gold, here’s a bit of truth among the lies.  Once upon a time…. I had an uncle named Randolph.  He was known to all and sundry, family and friends, for 55 years, as RAM.  And he fit the name – short, muscular, he wouldn’t fit in an empty apple barrel, but with no fat.

When he was widowed, my Mother and sister embarked on a campaign to marry him off to a long-absent widow who had moved back to town to care for her aged mother.

When he died, and the two attended his funeral, I heard them complain, “I didn’t know who the preacher was talking about!  It was, ‘Randy this’ and ‘Randy that.”  I told them, ‘It was Ram-u-lose.’

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Score One For Fibbing Fridays

A history lesson from Pensitivity101.

  1. Why was the Mona Lisa smiling that enigmatic smile?

Because she got her hair done, just in time for the portrait.

2. Who painted The Laughing Cavalier?

Actually, it was Lenny, from Rodrigo’s Painting and Decorating, but it wasn’t his fault.  If the horse’s ass rider hadn’t been yucking it up, and had been paying more attention to where he was going, instead of his Smart Phone, he wouldn’t have walked under Lenny’s ladder.

3. As per the song why was the Policeman laughing?

Because his unmarried daughter had just told him that she was pregnant with twins, and he knew that she had never been on a double date in her life.

4. Who sang ‘I started a Joke?’

That was Chris Rock, just before Will Smith got up and slapped him.

5. From which film did Little April Shower come from?

It was a porno flick, titled Golden Memories.

6. What was the family harvesting in the Panorama programme on April 1st 1957?

That was spaghetti, but it was a meager crop, because spaghetti trees do not do well in England.  The only things the UK has in abundance, are pea-soup fogs, and Carry On movies.  The Italian TV networks seemed to have no reason to boast about their bumper crops of penne, and rotini.  And the trees near the Mediterranean shore were laden with lots of juicy calamari.

7. Who played the Court Jester?

That was Richard Moll, playing bailiff, Bull Shannon, in the hilarious TV series, Night Court.  Oh, the rest of the cast were amusing, but Bull brought a serious silliness to his character, like the time he tried to stop an escaping male tween.  He jumped out in front of him in the corridor, and pointed his finger at the kid, who said, “Yeah??!  Waddya gonna do with that?”  Bull replied, “Poke a 4-inch hole in your forehead if you don’t stop.”

8. Why are Jokers wild?

Because they think that they are hilarious, but no-one else does, or takes them seriously until someone has been injured.  The video for vocal group, Home Free’s version of Castle On The Hill is a sad example.  The she of the featured couple is the worst.  She steals toilet paper from an outhouse, before her he is finished, convinces him to climb over a locked gate, to TP the tree in someone’s back yard, pushes him backward off a dock into shallow water at the edge of a small lake, ignoring possible rocks or submerged branches, and ends by handling fireworks and shooting roman candles at each other.  What fun!!  Adding another entry to the Darwin Awards list.  😯

9. In which country is April 1st officially a bank holiday?

That would be Lichtenstein.  It’s a land-locked little country, high up in the Alps where you can get a Flag Of Convenience for your ocean-going ships, to evade avoid onerous restrictions, such as high taxes, safety regulations, and minimum-wage laws.  The entire country is scarcely larger than the parking lot of a good-sized McDonalds, but they manage to shoe-horn in dozens of discreet, don’t ask – don’t tell, financial institutions, where movie stars, drug lords, and tin-horn African despots hide their ill-gotten riches and filthy lucre.

10. If today is your birthday, what star sign are you?

No Stopping!
No Standing!
No Loitering!

He took her for a car-ride, and showed her a sign that said, Yield.
She showed him one that read, Refuse.

*

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Senior Texting Comedy

Teens have their texting codes (LOL, TMI, OMG, TTYL, etc.).

Not to be outdone by these little SNK (snotty nosed kids), now, finally we long-suffering seniors have our own texting codes!

Texting for Seniors as follows:

ATD – At the Doctor’s

BFF – Best Friend’s Funeral

BTW – Bring the Wheelchair

CBM – Covered by Medicare

CUATSC – See You at the Senior Centre

DWI – Driving While Incontinent

FWBB – Friend with Beta Blockers

FWIW – Forgot Where I Was

FYI – Found Your Insulin

GGPBL – Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low

GHA – Got Heartburn Again

IMHO – Is My Hearing-Aid On?

LMDO – Laughing My Dentures Out

LOL – Living on Lipitor

OMMR – On My Massage Recliner

ROFL..CGU – Rolling on the Floor Laughing.. Can’t get up!

TOT – Texting on Toilet

TTYL – Talk to You Louder

WTP – Where are the Prunes?

WWNO – Walker Wheels Need Oil

GGLKI – Gotta Go, Laxative Kicking In

SYAG – See you at the Gathering

***

The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there were three finalists: two men and a woman.

For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.

“We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill her.”

The man said “You can’t be serious. I could never shoot my wife.” The agent said, “Then you are not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home.”

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, “I tried, but I can’t kill my wife.”

The agent said, “You don’t have what it takes, so take your wife and go home.”

Finally, it was the woman’s turn. She was given the same instructions to kill her husband.

She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard one after another. Then they heard screaming, crashing, and banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman, wiping sweat from her brow.

“The gun was loaded with blanks,” she said. “I had to kill him with the chair.”

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An old geezer became bored in retirement and decided to open a medical clinic.
He put a sign up outside that said: “Dr. Geezer’s clinic. Get your treatment for $500, if not cured, get back $1,000.”
Doctor “Young,” who was positive that this old geezer didn’t know beans about medicine, thought this would be a great opportunity to get $$.  So he went to Dr. Geezer’s clinic.
Dr. Young: “Dr. Geezer, I have lost all taste in my mouth. Can you please help me??”
Dr. Geezer: “Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in Dr. Young’s mouth.”
Dr. Young: Aaagh!! — “This is Gasoline.”  Dr. Geezer: “Congratulations! You’ve got your taste back. That will be $500.”  Dr. Young gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days figuring to recover his money.

Dr. Young: “I have lost my memory; I cannot remember anything,”  Dr. Geezer: “Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient’s mouth.”

Dr. Young: “Oh, no you don’t, — that is Gasoline!”

Dr. Geezer: “Congratulations! You’ve got your memory back. That will be $500.”

Dr. Young (after having lost $1000) leaves angrily and comes back after several more days.

Dr. Young: “My eyesight has become weak — I can hardly see anything!!!!”

Dr. Geezer: “Well, I don’t have any medicine for that so,” Here’s your $1000 back.” (Giving him a $10 bill)

Dr. Young: “But this is only $10!”

Dr. Geezer: “Congratulations! You got your vision back! That will be $500.”

Moral of story — Just because you’re “Young” doesn’t mean that you can outsmart an “old Geezer”

😳

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Make Book On Humor

Subject: Muslim Bookstore

So, I was walking in the mall and I saw that there was a Muslim Bookstore.

The sign outside led me to wonder just what exactly was in a Muslim bookstore, so I went in.

As I was wandering around taking a look, the clerk gave me the stink eye, but asked if he could help me.

I know I didn’t look like his normal clientele, so I asked, “Do you have a copy of Donald Trump’s Book on his U.S. Immigration policy regarding Muslims and Illegal aliens?”

The clerk said, “Kiss my ass, Get out, and Stay Out!”

I said, “Yes, that’s the one. Do you have it in paperback?”

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This Ought to Make All Grandpas Feel Warm and Fuzzy

A six-year-old goes to the hospital with her mother to visit her Grandpa. When they get to the hospital, she runs ahead of her mother and bursts into her Grandpa’s room. “Grandpa, Grandpa,” she says excitedly,  “As soon as my mother comes into the room, make a noise like a frog!

“What?” said her Grandpa.

“Make a noise like a frog because my mum said that as soon as you croak, we’re all going to Disney World.”

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A retired older couple returned to a Mercedes dealership where the salesman has just sold the car they had been interested in to a beautiful, leggy, busty blonde in a mini skirt and a halter top. The old man was visibly upset. He spoke to the salesman sharply, “Young man, I thought you said you would hold that car till we raised the $55,000 asking price. Yet I just overheard you closed the deal for $45,000 to the lovely young lady there. And if I remember right, you had insisted there was no way you could discount this model.”

The salesman took a deep breath, cleared his throat and reached for a large glass of water.

“Well, what can I tell you? She had the cash ready, didn’t need any financing help, and, Sir, just look at her, how could I resist?”, replied the grinning salesman sheepishly.

Just then the young woman approached the senior couple and gave the car keys to the old man.

“There you go,” she said. “I told you I could get that idiot to lower the price. See you later Dad, Happy Father’s day.”

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Better than a Flu Shot!

Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.

One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room.  She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea. As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cut glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated of all things, a condom!

When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat.  The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist.

“Miss Beatrice”, he said, “I wonder if you would tell me about this?” pointing to the bowl.

“Oh, yes,” she replied, “Isn’t it wonderful? I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease.”

“Do you know I haven’t had the flu all winter?”