Subject: The Italian Funeral
A Jewish man was leaving a convenience store with his coffee when he noticed a most unusual Italian funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery.
A black hearse was followed by a second black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary Italian man walking a dog on a leash.
Behind him, a short distance back were about 300 men walking in single file.
The Jewish man couldn’t stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the Italian man walking the dog and said:
“I am so sorry for your loss, and this may be a bad time to disturb you, but I’ve never seen an Italian funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?”
“My wife’s.”
‘What happened to her?”
“She yelled at me and my dog attacked and killed her.”
He inquired further, “But who is in the second hearse”
“My mother-in-law. She came to help my wife and the dog turned on her and killed her also.”
A very poignant and touching moment of Jewish and Italian brotherhood and silence passed between the two men.
The Jewish man then asked, “Can I borrow the dog?”
The Italian man replied, “Get in line.”
***
If we could convince the Chinese that Jihadists’ testicles were an aphrodisiac, perhaps in ten years they’d be extinct.
***
Married 50 years
After being married for 50 years, I took a careful look at my wife one day and said, “Fifty years ago we had a cheap house, a junk car, slept on a sofa-bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV. But hey I got to sleep every night with a hot 23-year-old girl.
Now … I have a $750,000 home, a $45,000 car, a nice big bed and a large screen TV, but I’m sleeping with a 73-year-old woman. So I said to my wife “it seems to me that you’re not holding up your side of things.”
My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 23-year-old girl and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap house, driving a junk car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black and white TV.
Aren’t older women great?
They really know how to solve an old guy’s problems!
***
The wife and I were sitting on the patio yesterday, each sipping a glass of wine, and she said, “I love you so much. I don’t think I could ever live without you.”
I said, “Is that you, or the wine, talking?
She replied, “That’s me….talking to the wine.”
***
No one believes seniors . . . everyone thinks they are senile.
The wife and I were celebrating our fifty-fourth anniversary. We had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to our old neighborhood after we retired. Holding hands, we walked back to our old school. It was not locked, so we entered, and found the old desk we shared, where I had carved ‘I love you, Sally’.
On our way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armored car, practically landing at our feet. She quickly picked it up and, not sure what to do with it, we took it home. There, she counted the money – fifty thousand dollars!
I said, “We’ve got to give it back.”
She said, “Finders keepers.” She put the money back in the bag and hid it in the attic.
The next day, two police officers were canvassing the neighborhood looking for the money, and knocked on our door, “Pardon me, did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armored car yesterday?”
She said, “No.”
I said, “She’s lying. She hid it up in the attic.”
Sally said, “Don’t believe him, he’s getting senile.”
The agents turned to me and began to question me. One said: “Tell us the story from the beginning.”
So I said, “Well, when she and I were walking home from school yesterday … “
The first police officer turned to his partner and said, “We’re outta here!”
Archon's Den 