Tuesday, October 24, 2017

Life

Here we are in October and I have survived another birth/angel (don't know what to call it) date for Noah.  That's the perfect word for it - survived.  We were up at the cabin so that took a lot of the pressure and grief away from me but I still feel like I'm holding my breath until those 2 dates are done.  We did take a day trip over to the Snowflake temple where we talked about the plan of happiness and the kids each shared their thoughts.  It was perfect.I loved listening to their sweet testimonies and words they said.  They have been such a great strength to me and my angels here on earth.

The kids are doing so well in school - Cams 8th, Kendyl 7th, Lucy 5th, Benny 2nd, and Bo K.  They all have great teachers and excel in their classes.  Truly is loving her life too!  She's been a champion sleeper.  Even at 5 weeks, she was sleeping from 10-4.  Then at 8 weeks she was going rom 10-6.  Now she sleeps a good 10 hours from 8-6.  Occasionally, she wakes up in the middle of the night but I think she's either cold or hot.  But I've never had a good sleeping baby like this.  Mine usually start sleeping through the night around 4-6 months.  It's been beautiful.  We all just love love love her.






Sunday, September 10, 2017

A Blessing and a Baptism

(Sidenote: I just listened to a devotional by Elder Bednar and he showed a little clip of President Hinckley speaking at Ricks College.  I forgot how much I loved President Hinckley and those devotionals at college.)

On August 12, 2017, Benny got baptized and received the Holy Ghost, and Truly received her baby blessing!  The day started out just like any normal day but as soon as I sat down in the chapel, I was overcome with emotions.  I suddenly missed Noah and having my whole family there for this wonderful day.  It is something I still am getting used to and don't quite know how to handle those emotions.  I had to leave for a little bit to collect myself and breathe, and as soon as I came back in they had called the children getting baptized up on the stand.  I saw my handsome Benny boy up there with his gentle smile, and I instantly felt so much joy.  

How could you not look at him and be happy?  The kids sang "A Child's Prayer" together which I loved.  The baptism was great and then we blessed Truly.  This was a moment we never had with Noah.  I soaked it all in and thanked God for blessing us with this day.  







Monday, August 21, 2017

Truly Amy Arnett

It's a miracle!  Truly Amy Arnett arrived on June 9 weighing in at 6 lbs 9 oz. She was 10 days early (thank you Truly) and everything went great.   At first, she didn't want to come when I wanted her to come so she hid real up high in my stomach and wouldn't drop down.  A few days later, she wiggled on down and let those contractions begin.  I only needed a couple of pushes and she was ready to make her debut!  She came out crying and didn't stop for a while. The nurses were commenting on how well her lungs were functioning!  I loved hearing it and still do love hearing those cries.                                                                         She is TRULY a miracle!  I am so grateful Heavenly Father sent her to us and that she brings with her so much love and healing.  More to come...                                                               



Monday, May 29, 2017

Preparing

Now that I'm 37 weeks pregnant, it has finally hit me that this is really happening.

We're having a sweet baby girl join our family in June.  The first trimester was a bit of a roller coaster dealing with emotions and hormones but I managed to stay positive and excited about the pregnancy.  The second trimester hit and everything smoothed out.  The weeks flew by and I loved feeling those little kicks and jolts all inside me.  But I think the 3rd trimester is my favorite because those jolts and kicks turn into turns and flips and and it really feels like a baby is in there.

I don't think anyone will know, except those mothers that have lost babies themselves, how bad I have hurt ever since Noah has left me.  My body and heart have ached so much for him but I keep everything in so not to worry the others.  There's never been a day or a moment of any family togetherness where I don't think of him and wish he could be here with us.  The times that have been the hardest have been family pictures.  Those are the times when I really miss him and feel like we are incomplete.  I don't know if that will ever get better but I still have to remember that it all happened not too long ago and I'm still in the fragile zone.  Maybe will be forever!

I do love when my family or John's family include Noah in the group - whether it be a Christmas gift or a letter or card.  I don't expect them to but it is so nice when they remember him.

For a long time, I didn't want to have another baby.  In fact, I thought Noah was our last baby and gave everything away.  But after I prayed about having another child, I had such a hard time when I was given the answer of having this baby.  It wasn't an overwhelming YES, it was an answer of 'when you are ready.'  So, I put all of my fear aside and took a big leap of faith and soon we found out there was another little one on the way.

As much as I wanted to be excited about this baby, I still had some fear that I was dealing with.  During the first trimester, I thought any day I would miscarry or something would go wrong.  Even though I've never miscarried before, it was a very big worry.  But the days past, and everything was fine.  I read a lot of conference talks and books which helped bring peace into my life to get me through those hard days.

So here we are about 10 days out, and I am feeling excited and a little apprehensive about bringing this little one home.  Everyday I pray that I'll have the strength and mostly the peace of enjoying this new little girl and I know Heavenly Father is aware of that.  I know Noah will be near me in that delivery room and he'll lead his little sister into this world.  I'm grateful for the time I've had to prepare myself for this and I can't wait to see this little girl surrounded by all of her siblings.


Monday, May 1, 2017

5 Kids in 5 Sports

I need to remind myself to never do this again.  It was way too much but it wasn't planned and sometimes that happens.  As busy as it was, I loved watching my kids play sports!  Everyone had great seasons with great coaches!

HENS LAY THE BEST CHICKENS!

I had to write this down before it left my mind.

A few weeks ago, we switched up the room situation, so now Cams and Kendyl are sharing a room and Lucy is on her own.  So far so good.

Cams is a night owl and one morning she woke up and said, "I was getting back in bed after getting a drink or something and as soon as I did, Kendyl sits straight up in her bed and yells 'HENS LAY THE BEST CHICKENS!' and then goes right back to sleep."

We all couldn't stop dying laughing that morning and Kendyl had no idea what had happened.  So funny.

Tuesday, January 3, 2017

Snapshot in time

Favorites about each kid right now:

Cameron (13) - She still loves life and her biggest strength is her optimism.  Always seeing the good in things and people.  Never complains when I ask her to help out with the younger kids.  People constantly comment to me about her glow.  She makes others feel comfortable when they're around her.  I lucked out with her.  Still loves to sleep in.

Kendyl (11) - This girl cracks me up!  Randomly breaks out in dancing and she knows how to move! Her laugh is hilarious and everyone loves it.  Very good to her siblings and always wants to make other happy.  Keeps me very close to her.  Doesn't like John & I to be gone too long on date nights.  Getting better at that!  Good little athlete.  Best one-liners ever!

Lucy (9) - Lucy my love bug!  I gave her that name when she was a baby and it has stuck.  Lucy loves hugs.  I love when she'll randomly walk up to me for a little squeeze then she's off.  She is super smart and can spell practically any word.  Wants to be a teacher when she grows up.  Does push my buttons some times!  Probably because I'm grumpy...

Benny (7) - This boy loves to ask questions like "Does Queen Elizabeth have any gold bricks?"  "How many countries speak English?"  Random!  But it's so funny and I love it.  His mind is going all the time.  His teacher loves him and says he's the most mature 1st grader she's ever had.  He's super sweet to me and gives me lots of kisses.  Doesn't like to wear anything other than basketball shorts and sports shirts.

Bo (4) - His smile.  I love it so much.  He looks at you underneath his eyes and smiles and there's no way you can ever get upset with him.  He loves having the house to himself but gets excited to see the kids when they come home.  Good at most everything he does.  Muscles, muscles, muscles.  He's my buddy.

Noah (would be 2) - Miss him.  He's my constant and reminds me that there's so much more to life than things.  I feel like things are well with him and he's trying to help me through this life.  Tough job, I know.

I'm truly blessed.

Wednesday, August 24, 2016

2016 School Year


School has started.  I read this sweet letter from Brooke Romney to her boys and I love what she said.  Let's just pretend I wrote it, shall we?  



Education is a privilege. You boys are so incredibly lucky to be going to a great school for FREE. Kids all over the world wish they had this same opportunity. A girl in Pakistan was shot because she wanted an education. Kids in Haiti can’t afford school. Many children in America attend school but never feel safe there. You have a beautiful school with a fantastic principal, qualified teachers and volunteer parents that show up every day to educate YOU! I know there will be times when school is “boring” or “too hard” or “no fun,” but try to remember how positively lucky you are. Education means opportunity, and opportunity is priceless.

Be kind. There is no excuse for mean. Use your words wisely. Say only things that build others up. Look for ways to include not exclude. Two rudes don’t make a right. You’ve been taught kindness…it is what we expect.

Find someone who needs a friend. Just last year you were the “new kid,” so you know how hard it can be. During the first week of school find someone who needs a friend and make them feel a part of things. Don’t let anyone sit alone. Don’t let someone play by themselves on the playground. Having a friend can literally change someone’s life; be that friend.

Never lie. Lying is the quickest way to destroy a friendship and break trust; find people who like you for the real you and allow you to stay true to who you are. Make a pact with yourself to be 100% honest this year.

Never cheat. Cheating eats at your soul and takes away your confidence. No test or paper is worth your integrity. If you make a mistake or forget an assignment, accept the natural consequences for your actions and resolve to do better next time.

Know when to walk away and when to take a stand. As you get older, kids will talk about and do things that make you uncomfortable. When you are in those situations be bold enough to change the topic or activity or, if you must, walk away. If what they are doing or saying is hurting someone or destroying something, be brave enough to tell an adult. All of these things are hard to do, but you are stronger than you think you are.

Respect your teachers. Your teachers spend countless hours preparing inventive ways to share knowledge with you and your classmates; they cannot do their job with incessant interruptions and problems. Do your class a favor and contribute to a good educational environment; encourage others to do the same.

Keep the competition on the real field. Sports at school, on the playground or in P.E. are for expending energy, growing friendships, and learning new skills. Save the competition and intensity for games that actually matter. Don’t make up rules. Don’t be the referee. Never lose a friend over kickball.

Ask questions. Never feel ashamed for wanting more information. If you don’t understand something or need to know more at home or school, ask, search, find out. Questions are what real learning is all about.

Work hard. Millions of children would love to be in your position; show your gratitude for what you have by working hard, all the time. We expect your PERSONAL best…we would be failing as parents if we allowed anything less.

Get it done. You have quite a few responsibilities because you are all getting older. Most of life is hard work with a little play mixed in. Learn to enjoy work. Don’t waste time whining or complaining about homework, piano, practice or cleaning, just get it done! If you can accomplish the important things first, I promise there will be plenty of time for your favorite activities later.

Look for the good. There will always be good and bad parts of your day, focus on the good. You will be infinitely happier if you do.

Fill the need. Be the kind of kid who sees a need and fills it. When walking by desks, push in the chairs. See a wrapper on the floor? Pick it up. Notice a friend who is sad? Make her happy. Is there a classroom job everyone hates? Volunteer for it. Someone who never gets chosen first? Choose him. All three of you are smart and capable, give back by making the world a better place.

Enjoy differences. It is easy to get close to people who are just like you, but when you do that, you miss out on some really amazing friendships and growth opportunities. Take advantage of situations when you are with people who are different than you are…learn from them, become friends with them, enjoy them.

Talk to us. We LOVE to hear about your day, not just what you did but how you felt about it. Share with us your favorite moments and the times that were hard. Never feel worried or embarrassed to tell us something that made you feel uncomfortable. If you are struggling with grades, teachers or friends, we want to know. We cannot fix everything, but we can support and love you through anything.

Pray. At times it can be easy, even in a whole school full of people, to feel alone or confused. God is always there to listen, comfort and guide you. Begin your day speaking to Him and asking for strength and clarity. Offer silent prayers during the day in difficult moments or times of need. End your day with gratitude to Him for the blessings you enjoy.


Friday, May 20, 2016

Don't try to be Superwoman!

Quote from my counselor this week:  Stop trying to be superwoman.  Let your mind rest. (I just laughed.)

A dear friend of mine brought these wings over to me on Mother's Day that we saw at a shop a few weeks ago but I didn't have the guts to buy them at the time.  I thought they were the sweetest little things but just couldn't do it.  She felt it in me and secretly went back the next week to buy them.  I love them.  We all love them.  Thanks Linds.


I wanted to post an email I got from my cousin April who every so often sends me something that reminds her of me and I love that she still thinks of me.  This one hit home because of the analogy to the piano which happens to be the instrument I play.  This author nails it.  Thank you, April.



STEVEN KALAS:
When you lose a child, grieving is a lifelong experience
When our first child is born, a loud voice says, “Runners, take your marks!” We hear the starting gun and the race begins. It’s a race we must win at all cost. We have to win. The competition is called “I’ll race you to the grave.” I’m currently racing three sons. I really want to win.
Not everyone wins.

I’m here at the national meeting of Compassionate Friends, an organization offering support and resources for parents who lose the race. I’m wandering the halls during the “break-out” sessions. In this room are parents whose children died in car accidents. Over there is a room full of parents of murdered children. Parents of cancer victims are at the end of the hall. Miscarriages and stillbirths are grouped together, as are parents who have survived a child’s suicide. And so it goes.

In a few minutes, I’m going to address Compassionate Friends. This is the toughest audience of my life. I mix with the gathering crowd, and a woman from Delaware glances at my name tag. Her name tag has a photo of her deceased son. My name tag is absent photos
.
“So … you haven’t … lost anyone,” she says cautiously.
“My three sons are yet alive, if that’s what you’re asking me,” I say gently.
She tries to nod politely, but I can see that I’ve lost credibility in her eyes. She’s wondering who invited this speaker, and what on earth he could ever have to say to her.

My address is titled “The Myth of Getting Over It.” It’s my attempt to answer the driving questions of grieving parents: When will I get over this? How do I get over this?

You don’t get over it. Getting over it is an inappropriate goal. An unreasonable hope. The loss of a child changes you. It changes your marriage. It changes the way birds sing. It changes the way the sun rises and sets. You are forever different.

You don’t want to get over it. Don’t act surprised. As awful a burden as grief is, you know intuitively that it matters, that it is profoundly important to be grieving. Your grief plays a crucial part in staying connected to your child’s life. To give up your grief would mean losing your child yet again. If I had the power to take your grief away, you’d fight me to keep it. Your grief is awful, but it is also holy. And somewhere inside you, you know that.
The goal is not to get over it. The goal is to get on with it.
Profound grief is like being in a stage play wherein suddenly the stagehands push a huge grand piano into the middle of the set. The piano paralyzes the play. It dominates the stage. No matter where you move, it impedes your sight lines, your blocking, your ability to interact with the other players. You keep banging into it, surprised each time that it’s still there. It takes all your concentration to work around it, this at a time when you have little ability or desire to concentrate on anything.

The piano changes everything. The entire play must be rewritten around it.
But over time the piano is pushed to stage left. Then to upper stage left. You are the playwright, and slowly, surely, you begin to find the impetus and wherewithal to stop reacting to the intrusive piano. Instead, you engage it. Instead of writing every scene around the piano, you begin to write the piano into each scene, into the story of your life.

You learn to play that piano. You’re surprised to find that you want to play, that it’s meaningful, even peaceful to play it. At first your songs are filled with pain, bitterness, even despair. But later you find your songs contain beauty, peace, a greater capacity for love and compassion. You and grief — together — begin to compose hope. Who’da thought?

Your grief becomes an intimate treasure, though the spaces between the grief lengthen. You no longer need to play the piano every day, or even every month. But later, when you’re 84, staring out your kitchen window on a random Tuesday morning, you welcome the sigh, the tears, the wistful pain that moves through your heart and reminds you that your child’s life mattered.
You wipe the dust off the piano and sit down to play.

Copyright: Las Vegas Review-Journal
Steven Kalas is a behavioral health consultant and counselor at Clear View Counseling and Wellness Center in Las Vegas. Contact him at[email protected].

Sunday, April 24, 2016

Always Learning

One of the biggest sources of comfort I've had on this journey has been this precious book entitled "Angel Children" by Mary V. Hill.  It's one of those books that every time you read, something else jumps out at you that you never knew was there.  It was given to me by Rochelle Tingey - another angel mother whose baby Mettie passed on 5 months before Noah did.  I'm so grateful for Rochelle and her giving this book to me.  As I was reading it this most recent time, I came across this passage from Harold B. Lee:

"Having gone through some similar experiences in losing loved ones in death, I speak from personal experience when I say to you who mourn, do not try to live too many days ahead.  The all-important thing is not that tragedies and sorrows come into our lives, but what we do with them.  Death of a loved one is the most severe test that you will ever face, and if you can rise above your griefs and if you will trust in God, then you will be able to surmount any other difficulty with which you may be faced." 

I believe the most important part of his statement is 'but what we do with them.'  Do we let our trials take us down to doubt and unbelief or do we trust in God and show Him that we will do our best with it?  I know that our family has made the decision to trust in God and let Him lead us through this journey.  I know that I need to heal and that I suppressed my feelings for the whole first year, but it has brought me to an even deeper level of gratitude for the Atonement of our Savior.  I know that everything I have felt and gone through has already been felt and overcome by the Savior. 

 I know He has never left me.  I feel like I am rising from the ashes very slowly but surely.  I miss my Noah, but I'm not going to let him down.  It's not why he left us.  '...[infant children who die] were bright and noble spirits who held important positions in the kingdom of God in the spirit world, from which they could not long be spared.  They were given brief furloughs, long enough to come to earth, take upon themselves bodies of flesh and bone that they might be prepared for a resurrection to a kingdom of glory; and after a short experience in mortality were called back to resume important labors in a higher sphere.' (Pres. John Taylor)

I have a testimony of this and know Noah was needed back.  Lucky him.  Lucky us to have him already there..  Love you, my sweet Noah.