It's the most wonderful time of the year...Part II...

Part I - December 2011

Just a few weeks after my second miscarriage.

My grief was insurmountable.

In that post, I summed up my grief: "...every moment feels like you are walking through quicksand. The days fly by at such an alarmingly slow pace but they will be here and gone before you know it."

I think I'm at a loss for words to describe where I am today...

Christmas Eve 2014

I see those words...those words of Christmas past... and I am speechless...wordless...

Trust me this isn't going to be one of those self absorbed, self stroking posts about..."How if I could only go back and shake the me then and tell her it's all going to be okay..."  Blah! Blah! Bullshit....

I know that there are so many out there who can't breathe right now and the holidays...the most wonderful time of the year...makes it worse. Makes it nearly impossible to even get up and face the cheer.

So no, this isn't one of those posts about how: "If I could only see into the future I would change the way I felt then"

Because there is no way, at that time, I could have foreseen this...

This freaking miracle...

And really...who the hell could!!

Because to be completely honest...I...AM...ONE...LUCKY... MOTHER FER.....!

There is no doubt in my mind that I could easily be sitting in the same grief of 2011...2012...2013 and of course the many years before that...

I do not know what I did to deserve this twist of fate that brought me my daughter...

It's perfect orchestration...how could one predict that!

I pray every day to be worthy of it...

And the only words that seem to come to me is...redemption...it feels like redemption...

And isn't that fitting for the season!

Those deep, dark moments when I felt like my whole life was a mistake...

Like there were no words to describe its purpose...

Or wait maybe there are words...

The words I never thought I would speak...

The words that every day take my breath away and are the reason I breathe...

The words...

"My daughter"

Every day I get to say those words and it is like Christmas!

To those still waiting to say those words...

To those still living with the ghost of Christmas Past or Christmas Present...

I can't tell how to make it better...or what to do to change it...all I can say is hold on...and even that isn't good enough...I know! I've been there!

But I do pray that someday you find your redemption...that you find your Merry Christmas!

Because there are no word to express it when it happens...there's nothing else like it.

It is the true meaning of Christmas...

I pray you find your Merry Christmas!

It's the most wonderful time of the year...

Unless of course you just had a miscarriage.

Then it doesn't matter what time of the year it is. Nothing matters.

Actually it darkens the whole holiday season. It is now shrouded.

And you, your life, your daily routines never mind the feasts and celebrations...every moment feels like you are walking through quicksand.

The days fly by at such an alarmingly slow pace but they will be here and gone before you know it.

Even in your daze, in your daily clouded haze, time keeps moving but you feel stuck in time.

Because you are in the same exact place you were a year ago while everyone else has moved on.

It feels like some kind of dream you are suppose to wake up from but you never do.

And then out of the haze comes that feeling. When everything starts to hurt and it's becoming hard to breathe.

When that moment comes, the one that is always just under the surface. That moment that wakes you from your daze, you know you must find a quite place by yourself. You must lay down because at any moment the tears will start to flow, uncontrollably. They consume your whole body and no one is supposed to see that.

They are only supposed to see your strength and how well you are handling everything.

And how thankful you are.

And hey: "You look good!".

But what they don't see is when you excuse yourself from the Thanksgiving dinner table, make your way to the bedroom just in time. Shut the door, fall onto the bed into a fetal position and stick a pillow in your mouth so no one can hear you crying.

Because everything hurts and your heart is as empty as your womb.

But no. No one is supposed to see that.

You should be celebrating. You should be thankful.

After all it is Thanksgiving. The day of thanks!

And no matter what, you should be thankful.

And I'm trying. I'm trying so hard to be thankful. Every night I thank the Lord for all the things I do have.

I am thankful for my family, my friends, my home, my job. I thankful for my furbabies who always find a way to make me smile; even if it's a smile through pain.

But here's the truth:

Being thankful doesn't take away the pain.

Being thankful doesn't make the darkness turn to light and being thankful doesn't fill the emptiness that consumes my being.

I don't know if I ever told you this before. Those of you that know me will know this...

Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday. It always has been. Kinda funny right!

Next up...

The fat man and the magic of Christmas! Great!! I swear if I had a Santa suit, a little dog and a sled I might just try to steal Christmas or at least cancel it!