SITTING AND CRYING

I had to go out and buy a pair of size fourteen shoes to fit them in. The only pair the shop had was a bright fluorescent orange. Someone today told me that people would now see me coming. I never like ordinary statements. I had to get them custom moulded in an orthotic’s clinic. They come all the way up the back of my calves and this time they are built of a thicker plastic. I have a wardrobe full of size twelve shoes. My new orthotics won’t fit in any of them.

It’s like some sort of magic. I can stand for just under a minute with my hands by my side. I always have to look down at a point on the ground. I cannot look straight ahead. I don’t have the balance. I stand and look where the metal post meets the concrete and I try. I try and I try and I try. I am stubborn. Somebody told me that I was not stubborn but persistent. I told them they were wrong. I am stubborn. My heart has gone from being filled with ladies to being filled with desire. My heart is filled with an endless pain. It’s not that I don’t know her yet it’s that I don’t even know myself.

I have lay awake for countless hours at night willing my legs to move. I have made my face burn crimson from having a body not responding. I have soaked the sheets with my tears. If I can’t sleep at night I will imagine myself walking down a street. The street is somewhere I’ve been before but I never remember where I am. I will start striding. I will be walking and start to walk faster. I always end up running. Every time I am imagining myself walking I will wind up in a sprint. You have to walk before you run.

Someone asked if the improvements they saw in my standing and walking were due to the new orthotic’s. They asked if it was cheating? I said yes. They told me to not wear them everyday but alternate. I told them I didn’t have properly functioning legs. I told them that I couldn’t feel much from the waist down and told them that I am not able to wiggle my toes, move my feet, or use my ankles. I told them I am improving from wearing them. I told them that it’s better to be stubborn and walking than sitting and crying.

Andrew Stuart Buchanan