SHE WAS HOT

 
I was excited at first that she had invited herself back to my place but it got boring really quickly. She kept on asking to use my bathroom and every time she did would come back sniffing and rubbing her nose. This was our third date and it had become obvious I was dating a cokehead. It is hard to say if she thought I knew but even if she did it had no effect on her. Her addiction had her believing that she could not live any other way. I would best describe her as nervous to begin with so the drug made her almost intolerable to spend time around. If you are reading this asking why I would want to be with somebody that I didn’t like don’t, she was hot. I have always been good with women but being around her I forget what to say and felt stupid. It made sense of her behaviour when we went out, I had presumed she had an eating disorder and was in the bathroom vomiting. Cocaine is the only drug worth doing and she was doing it all by herself. I was not invited to the party, she didn’t even ask me once if I wanted some

She kept asking question after question and seemed surprised at my honesty. There is something to be said about having a one-night stand, if the sex is good enough you will love the person straight away. This was our third date and I didn’t even know if this was going to be worth it. What if she was crap in bed? She started asking me about my relationships and seemed shocked but pleased at my candour. I reached down below the table and squeezed her upper thigh to feel her pull away. She kept talking to me as though I had not done it. What am I doing here with her? Maybe this will be too hard, I thought to myself, dating an introverted addict. I looked at her and knew that I would never be able to trust her, the thought felt heavy. My mouth was on autocue while my mind was thinking about marrying a woman with a habit? She seemed to like me but she already had a partner. I knew that I would never be able to compete. She is so beautiful but is even more damaged than me

Answering all of her questions seemed like a job interview. It reminded me of when I met my last ex, we fucked on the first date then she brought her Mother along to meet me on the second. This one was evaluating me emotionally and psychologically all by herself. The story of creation is wrong. God created Woman first to look at when They were bored but Woman kept on whinging until God said, ok fuck it, and created Man for Woman to play with. I had noted that in responding to all of Her questions She had revealed nothing about Her life, She played a good hand. In an hour and a half of talking She had told me nothing about Herself. She had been hurt somewhere along the way. There was a kindness somewhere inside of Her but I was not sure if I were Man enough to try and fix Her heart. She was beautiful but it all seemed too hard. I answered every question in leading answers, to lead into Her talking about Her life but She never did. All of the Women I have met recently have been similar, middle aged beautiful but damaged. I realized the obvious, I was not Man enough to fix Her and even if I did get to fuck Her it would seem odd. She was desperate for something that I do not have. I kept answering all of Her questions honestly; I put on a good show

-…
-So why did you delete her from social media again, because she ignored you?
-Pretty much.
-Don’t you think that seems a little dramatic?
-No not at all. It wasn’t that she ignored me once it was she ignored me numerous times. She ignored me so many times that it was obvious that we are not friends. If the person I send a message to ignores it I give them a chance and don’t delete them straight away. It is only after sending numerous messages to be ignored that you will know if somebody is worth having. One of my friends always comments on how hot she is. She is beautiful, very hot but is not my type of woman. It is a waste of my time. I have better things to do with my day.
-Than what?
-Than being ignored by babes.
-Maybe she just wants to see what you are doing but not communicate with you.
-You mean looky no touchy? Why did you make it about what she wants? This is about what I want. Everybody loves to look at a beautiful woman but she has to be the right one. You are hot too you know.
-No I am serious, she said as she blushed, some people just want to watch you but not participate in your happiness.
-I have thought about it, you know there is a term for that.
-What is it?
-Voyeurism. Social media is to blame for the dumbing down of our society. Social media is a sickness. Everyone is famous now for absolutely no reason. Time moves on I guess. Also I have a soft spot for being ignored.
-A soft spot? Something you enjoy?
-No sorry, I didn’t mean a soft spot in that way, I meant as though sensitive… like somebody has punched you in the balls.
-Why would that be a soft spot, she asked as she dabbed her nose?
-Sorry I forgot you are a woman. There is no way to adequately describe to a woman how sensitive a man’s testicles are. The pain is indescribable.
-So the pain of somebody ignoring you feels like the pain of being punched in the testicles, She asked as She stood and took three steps back?

I nodded and then saw Her running towards me with her fist clenched. I woke up on the ground but nothing hurt. I felt numb and buzzing, I felt a buzzing numb.
She asked with an honest look on her face.

-Is that really what it feels like, does it really hurt as bad to be ignored as it does to be punched in the testicles?
-I’ll let you know when I stop buzzing, my ears are ringing and I can’t breathe properly.
-Ok I’ll wait, She said.

My nuts started burning like acid and I thought, what a bitch. She stood up when I coughed and hunched over. She went to the bathroom for an inordinate amount of time then came back sniffing and rubbing Her proboscis. I had sat up and was slowly rocking back and forth as She grabbed the remote control and switched my telly on. She sat down on my couch and flicked through the channels then went back to a news item about the Brexit. It started then, my body had gone into shock numbing the pain but I felt it now. It hurt but it felt hollow, I guess only a Man would know what it felt like. This Woman is a psychopath, but She is so beautiful, so beautiful. I was intrigued if She was “fixable”. How broken is too broken?

-What do you think of the Brexit, She asked?

I coughed again and I felt the slow rise of acid that only a Man will know. The pain radiated through my groin immediately to my head. I thought about telling Her to leave but She had not gone yet, She had punched me in the nuts but She had never left my house. She did not care about anything. I might have what it takes to make this one Woman complete? I studied my words before I spoke next.

-The Brexit is a shambles but I don’t know enough about why Europe isn’t happy with the terms. England doesn’t want to have to float terminal currencies like the Spanish Peseta. Social media has made the planet more open when doors are shutting all around the world… I will tell you what I think is funny, well not funny ha ha but funny ironic is that on liberal Western Television I have never heard anybody call Theresa May a racist the way I have Trump.
-They are nothing alike
-Not quite true, the British are building a wall as a metaphor to control immigration and their economy
-What do you mean?
-They say that America is the biggest economy well Britain is the wealthiest nation in the world.
-Can you quantify that?
-Definitely not but it makes sense doesn’t it, look at all the wealth they took from every country they colonized. I mean for fuck’s sake, the Ruby on the Queen’s crown was taken from India
-So?
-England colonized India and took all of their wealth.
-Is that why there are so many Indians? Is that why they are doing so much fucking?
-I also can’t say, I can say that a man doesn’t have to ejaculate in a woman’s vagina
-Where else can they ejaculate?
-In Her mouth.
-Eew!
-On Her breasts stomach or on Her back.
-Eew, that’s only a little better than ejaculating in a Woman’s mouth.
-How do you figure?
-Well you are making a Woman into an object by doing that; you should really open a window and ejaculate on to a tree outside. A Woman is more than a sex piece.
-Woman are the best, no doubt, Women are a miracle but you obviously don’t like sex and have never had a Man dominate you in the bedroom.
-See there you go again talking about Men being in charge.
-So you have never been fucked properly then?
-Why can’t a Woman be in charge?
-They can but it’s just not as good.
-What do Men who like to be dominated do then?
-They get dominated and fucked by a Woman. That can be okay sometimes, but not all of the time.
-Some Women are great at being dominant in bed, why can’t they be in charge? Why is it that the Men always have to be dominant?
-Do I have to explain the whole, hole plug, thing? There is a hole waiting to be filled, even some lesbians use a dildo. The vagina needs a long thing to feel good. Men have a long thing waiting for something to dominate. It is nothing but physiology and want and need. You are making male sexual dominance into a bad thing. I am not talking about Men dominating Women in any other way other than sexually. Women are actually superior to Men in almost every other way.
-You said you need a Woman but you keep talking about us like we are a different species from Men. We are all people with the same wants and needs.

I looked at Her and realized she was still angry with God because nobody had ever fucked Her properly, nobody had ever fucked Her with want and need and desire, nobody had ever wanted Her enough. Her ignorance made Her hollow and the drug made Her full. She wanted me to dominate Her but I could tell it wouldn’t be healthy for either of us. We have both been alone for too long and we both wanted the same thing in a blind longing. I obviously do not have what it takes to stop Her. Why was I participating in this endless conversation with a Woman that did not like me? Because She was hot. Because She was waiting for me to dominate her in the way that She saw fit, She was just too messed up to be able to show me how to do it. She does not have what I really need when She is already taken. If only I could change Her preoccupation. She needed a man to make Her stop. I wanted to fuck Her but didn’t know if I could carry the load? … Be a man, I thought, I could do this.

-What if I told you that I wanted and needed you?

She looked at me but did not smile. I could read Her mind wondering if at middle age I could support Her? She was intrigued by me but knew the answer already. I put my hand on Her knee again to have her pull away again. She was almost going to choose me over a man with more but she didn’t. Her face was a busy blank considering Her options. That is what’s sexy, a Woman that knows what She wants. She would never be able to love me more than enough. The Woman liked me but dating somebody that doesn’t love you is for fools. I do not have what it takes to compete. I don’t like Her enough either but I still want to fuck Her. A beautiful dullard beats my own hand and satisfaction beats none. She cleared her head for a moment then smiled as She said coyly

-We should do this again

I did not want to but I nodded. Her eyes widened so I smiled and nodded again. There is a reason I nodded once more to waste more of my time with Her; She is a psychopath but She is hot, She is so hot. She gave me a warm hug goodbye, sniffed and extended Her arm towards me as she left. At middle age I do not have enough of what She needs but I could give her what She wants.

She is so so beautiful but even more damaged than me. Getting punched in the nuts does not hurt as much as being ignored. I must be crazy. I know that I shouldn’t but I will waste more of my time with Her, once I have figured out a way to defend myself

 
Andrew Stuart Buchanan