I AM AFRAID

It’s the second or third time that they’ve approached. I feel like I must have a bullseye painted on me. Being disabled attracts weirdos. They always have something to say. Today they started talking about their woman. They told me that she was driving him crazy. He started talking about how illogical she was. He told me that she didn’t want solutions; she only wanted to fight. He told me that she was always piling shit on him. That’s what she’s there for, I said. I don’t think he heard me. He just said the same thing over and over again. He kept repeating what he had already said. She only wants to fight. I said it again, that’s what she’s there for. You’ve already said that, he said. I thought to myself, no, you’re the one who’s already said it. He told me that she was always complaining that he was at work. Well quit your job, I said. He said, I can’t, I’m the breadwinner. He continued talking about her and his problems. I told him, women are insane; don’t look to your woman for logic. He nodded then repeated everything he had already said. I was bored so told him I had to go. He started repeating his problems again. I sighed but he didn’t hear me. He didn’t know logic either so I turned my wheelchair on him mid-sentence and started pushing away

I prefer Bondi in the winter. I like it when there’s nobody around. A strange woman walked up to me halfway down Bondi road. She asked me if I remembered her? I said, no. We were together one night, she said. Are you sure you can’t remember me? She had a nice big bum and long sexy legs. Her boobs were huge and at my eye level. I looked at her face. She was beautiful and I was angry that I couldn’t remember. We were together and you couldn’t get it up, she said. She smiled smugly. I was glad I couldn’t remember. I asked her if she was a slut? The smile drained from her face as she said no. I took my sunglasses off and told her that I can’t get it up for a woman that’s too wanton. I couldn’t remember her. She was European. She had obviously wanted to fuck for an Australian child. She has a child now with an Australian man so she can stay here. I had a girlfriend once I could never fuck. She would try desperately to jam my flaccid penis inside her. I remember her because I wrote a story about it. Every time we were together she was all over me. She wanted me too much. I could not gain an erection from the feeling it gave me. It felt like she was raping me. She died young. I think she knew she was going to die young. That’s why she wanted it

I love her too much. I loved her at first sight. She walked up to me smiling. She had a face and a mind. She liked me, I could tell. I don’t like me but I don’t think she could tell. It took weeks of seeing her everyday before I had the courage to ask her out. She said, no she couldn’t, but suggested a later date. She had to finish. Once I found out the disparity I considered myself an idiot. I’ve only had my heart broken once before and that was by a younger woman. I do not hold a grudge but I will never forget. A young woman can break a man’s heart easily. A young woman is not emotionally responsible enough to see my love. I am now an old man too damaged for young love and too emotionally damaged to play that game. I have already lost. I love her too much. I couldn’t see a reason why she would like me. I love her but didn’t like that she liked me. Strange thoughts play through my mind. I cannot stop them. I hate myself

Going down a hill in a wheelchair is easy. I was halfway down Bondi Rd when a Spanish man walked in front of me. He had a big black moustache. His sweaty head shined like amber. I could see up his nose. Long black hairs advanced down and met his moustache. He leaned down and asked if I believed in God. I don’t know, I said, I think I’m agnostic. What, he said, is that like Anglican? No, I said, that means that I don’t know if God exists, nobody knows. If He is real I believe in Him but if He’s not I don’t, it doesn’t really matter anyway, nothing really matters. The day man thought of a higher power was the dawn of civilisation. That was along time ago. People see Science as a God now. They look for divinity in acquisition. Everyone has forgotten Him. God now stands at the back of the line with the fat kids. There is no time for prayer after deadline. Only a few can still see Him but they use it like a gift. They wear their love for Him like a shield. It is a code for them to live by. I told him I believed in some sort of God, just not his. And besides, I said, I thought there was no room for God in public. You know, don’t talk about religion or politics. Tell that to the priest, he said

I continued on to the gym. Just let me get there. Just let me get to the gym without having to talk to anyone else. I saw her before she saw me. She was walking towards me talking to a friend. She was in her late thirties. She was alone, just like me. She looked lonely, just like me. Faded white lines ran down her cheeks. The scars from the man who broke her heart were all over her body. When she turned and saw me she straightened slightly. I had to smile. She smiled a shy smile back and her right arm withdrew past her purse. I couldn’t think of anything to say. Her walk turned to a half-swagger as she looked out the bottom of her eyes at me. Her left leg peeled out. She looked so beautiful. I saw her neck click as she inhaled my pheromones as I wheeled my chair past. I turned around and saw her backside. She was magnificent. She turned back to look at me. I smiled at her again. She smiled for a second but kept walking

I wasn’t able to stop blushing and smiling from the fact that I had smiled at her and she had smiled at me. I thought of the electricity in our smiles until I remembered I had done nothing with it. I cannot remember myself. I only remember young love. I turned around. There was another beautiful woman standing right in front of me. Just let me get to the gym. She had a bookmark in her hand. She handed it to me. She stood silently and smiled as I read it. It said that they had a cure for everything. I looked up at her and saw an idiot’s glazed smile. She had small tits but a big bum, God’s greatest curse. Maybe that’s why she believed. She told me to come along with her. She said that they had made a wheelchair-bound man walk. I looked at her and saw one of His idiot’s. Everyone’s crazy for something

My father once told me I should be glad that people want to talk to me. I am too polite. I don’t know how to ignore. There’s a madman with lips bigger than Mick Jagger’s. He wears army pants and a tight bright-orange fluorescent t-shirt. I shook his hand the first time he came up and introduced himself. Someone walking past me nodded at him and told me he had AIDS. I have not shaken his hand since. I have not shaken it because it would feel dirty. I am ignorant and I am a coward. He just stood and slurred words. He said words I could not hear until it was comfortable enough to tell him I had to get to the gym. The gloves I wear have handled the friction of hanging on. I finally got down there. I told the lifeguard at the pool that I couldn’t go for a swim ‘cause I had a cold. That’s not like you, he said. I just feel crook, I said. A strange man walked past and said, no you’re just getting old. I am getting old so I smiled. The smile lasted too long. I thought of my situation. I didn’t think of it for long. My situation is bad

The mind has taken over the body. The body sits angry and fuming. I am ignorant and I am a coward. I love her but I’m afraid of young love

Andrew Stuart Buchanan