I have a smart female friend who recently asked me why men are the way we are? I’d told her I had sore balls from excessive masturbation. She asked why all the wanking and fucking? Why all the cheating and lies? She wanted to know why we go to war and kill each other? My friend spoke of all the ills of the Western heterosexual male and wanted to know why? I’m not going to try to explain us and I’m not even going to try and defend us. Man just is. Not all men are scum but we are driven by what’s inside our balls. Even the nerds jerk themselves off to Anime cartoons of pain, humiliation and bondage. I don’t mean to offend anyone but our fathers wanked when they couldn’t have sex and their father’s did too and their fathers before that. For a man there’s nothing we can do about it, like Jerry Seinfeld said: we’re men, we have to do it; it’s part of our lifestyle.’I know what you’re talking about. I know that the females out there are screaming at your computer screen-but why the cheating and lies? Most men are normally limited by their options. When an opportunity arises some men take it, some men don’t. You know me, (unfortunately some of you do, Plllbbbbbbb) I took enough opportunity for ten men but now find myself here alone anyway.What I am trying to say is that there are good men out there, really good men but even they jerk-off. They masturbate to not cheat on their partner. Nobody should blame or chastise us. Men are part monkey. My friend loves her scientists. I hope the pedestal she places them on is not too lofty because they wank too. Just imagine Einstein sitting in his big green itchy chair. He has just finished formulating… some… I don’t even know what (not smart enough), when someone asks him if he would like his bicycle put in the back of his car for a ride home as it’s starting to rain outside? He lies and say’s that he is on a roll and will lock up when he is finished, he tells them he has a raincoat with a hood.

After the assistant leaves the great scientist locks the door, pulls the shades and sits back down in big itchy. Einstein has a photo book with lots of full figured girls posing in sexy positions which he pulls out from under papers and a book in the bottom drawer on the right hand side of his desk. He unbuttons his lab coat, undoes his belt, pulls down the zip and takes his pants and undies down his legs to just below his knees. His cock is already hardening as he thinks of what he’s about to do (you know… well I guess some of you don’t, it’s naughty). He loves the dark haired girl on page 13 in his magazine, her name states Gertrude but he calls her Judith. He pulls his hardening cock out of his cotton boxers as his hand slides up and down its length. As his gaze becomes more intense his hand starts moving faster and faster. He say’s in German, ‘I love you slut’, just as the telephone begins to ring. Einstein wonders if he made the phone ring by saying slut? He lets it ring three times before he answers it. He tells the caller that Einstein isn’t in, he lies and say’s that he’s the cleaner and that his name is Ralph before hanging up. His dick had gone limp from the distraction. He turns the page and sees another shot of Judith. She’s lying on her side with one arm covering the nipples of her gigantic boobs and her knees are tucked so that you can just see wispy pubic hair at the bottom of her enormous bum. Einstein focuses on that like a sniper at a target as he once again stokes his hardening penis, it keeps on getting bigger in his hand as he imagines Judith’s hot breath hovering above his knob. He suddenly loses control and ejaculates way into the air, he watches it and sees the moment when it has gained its maximum trajectory and the subsequent fall down all over his pants. The phone rings again as he takes some of the sperm off his pants with his hands. He flings it at the blackboard where it splats and starts sliding. Einstein mutters under his breath, berating himself for ejaculating too quickly as he answers the phone saying: hello Mario’s massage parlor, Mario speaking. The line is quiet so he hangs up and leaves the receiver off the hook. This gives him the opportunity to get a piece of paper to try and remove the rest of the sperm from his pants. Next time you look at a photo of him, look down around his groin and pelvis and that’s where you’ll see them, Einstein’s sperm stains.That’s when you’ll realize that none of us can help it.

Andrew Stuart Buchanan