Searching for a way
To describe how I feel
Words lose their place
Falling through the cracks
He couldn’t work out how
Words lose their place
There was a meaning
Love existed until
Words lose their place
Free to roam, they lived
While eclipsing the sun
Words lose their place
Now in the darkness
Words lost forever more
We lose our place
.
[a partial solar eclipse this afternoon upon the setting Autumn sun]
Do not fear the wrong choice
there is no right or wrong
only your choice.
Do not fear mistakes
they are the tools of learning
of determining what works for you.
No one else’s opinion matters
only making a decision matters
any decision
as long as it’s for you
not for anyone else
because a decision is always a step forwards
no matter the outcome.
Make a decision today
and if you change your mind tomorrow
then you have made two decisions
two steps forward
Progress.
.
[for Louise at illicit by nature]
She loves me
Why can’t I see that
No more feeling
He sees it all.
The happenings
The mights
And especially the did nots.
The last are his favourites
So many of them
to list and count
Naked
Stripped down
Exposed
Then cut down
You dared to threaten
The children you watched over
day by day
Home to wildlife
Silhouette in the morning sky
Wind catcher
Now you are
Gone forever

[my brain isn’t functioning much at all with fevers and an upper respiratory tract infection which now has me on antibiotics. Thankfully inspiration was with me yesterday while I was getting some sun and watching the tree removal unfold.]
Terrifying
turbulent
negativity
everything
painful
depressing
hopeless
despairing
loneliness
pretending
fearful
frozen
immobile
uncaring
unfeeling
unloving
despising
self-loathing
collapsing
crumbling
shaken
.
.
.
Supported
delicately
comforted
thoughtfully
soothed
suggestions
questions
discussions
optimism
hope
energising
===
[ a companion piece to my poem earlier today. This was actually started first thing in the morning and completed much later at night. Thanks to Helen for the support. This single word phrase per line poem is a return to one of my favourite styles.]
Chantelle’s words are in sync with my thoughts today, feeling lost and confused, but pushing on – somehow. Just what I needed to hear.
Some days the hardest part of pressing on
comes in learning to let go
learning to move on
to stop dwelling on what could have been
what should have been
or why
Some days the hardest part of finding myself
comes with learning that it’s okay to be lost
that life doesn’t make sense all the time
and that’s okay
it’s all part of the process
and what’s important
is that I continue
to try.
It’s difficult to capture feelings
when it seems
you feel nothing at all
when you would rather disappear
than continue facing
the heartbreaking anguish
every moment brings
even though
a far off voice
is reminding you
it’s all untruths
but drowned out
by the roar
of illness-borne insanity.
What if I stopped caring for myself
forget the carefully balanced diet
steady splashes of alcohol instead
or sample something stronger
for the relief of numbness
and any break from my thoughts
seems worthwhile
but I know
(from experience)
the consequences of those actions
are worse than the present –
longer recovery
lingering side effects
toxic attack of this temple
wreaks terrible damage.
So once again
I am nothing
I can’t even break down properly
self preservation instincts
sensibleness
conspire to control me
sustain and retain me
for better or for worse
and I think
(as I always do)
that writing
is the only thing
that gets me through.
When your concentration scatters
you can’t focus on what matters
a ring of pressure surrounds your head
throat is sore and dry and red
sense familiar dread proclivity
of all thoughts to negativity
pack it in and head to home
where you’ll dread being alone
want to scream and thrash about
your whole existence is in doubt
Now can’t bear to face tomorrow
fear continuation of sorrow
even put off going to bed
strong painkillers want for head
close my eyes and focus here
on this moment right now clear
put aside all future worry
for a precious minute clarity
could you feel that way more often
then the painful days would soften
===
[not letting a mild migraine and spaced out day stop me from NaPoWriMo participation, used it as my inspiration instead.]