On Remembrance Day I remember all
That served, that helped,
That never returned, or returned forever changed.
One minute’s silence.
Thoughts shift to my dad
He got sick and died
But it was the withering away from illness that really hurts me today
My strong dad reduced to an invalid, struggling to stay conscious during my almost daily visits
And me; not knowing what to say, how to feel, how to behave
Reminding myself that being present mattered.
Life’s not fair – or is it?
The mess, the pain, the hurt
Some of us move on, maybe
Some never really let go of what was.
I can’t forget my dad, so I also remember
Trying to love him, trying to help him, trying to comfort him
Trying to let him know that I cared, even when he went off on a rant
Inspirational, difficult, loving, flawed.
How to resolve all of that for my own being?
How to accept all that was, the good and the bad,
An imperfect person who tried so hard,
Made such a difference, and yet
Was frequently very difficult to be around.
And then slowly incapacitated by ill health
Parkinson’s disease, heart disease, liver failing.
And a Medical system unable to fully help
Complicated medication interactions
Drugs at cross-purposes.
And there was I in the midst of it all
Transporting to specialist appointments, blood tests
Listening and asking question of the experts
To understand it all.
Maybe that was a mistake
Now I know all the gritty details, all the difficulties, all the troubles
Seeing first-hand how someone’s life is struggling, steadily running down;
Once again, not knowing how to be, other than present.
So I remember the briefest moments of joy, of expressed gratitude, coherence
And let the positives buoy me through the storm of remembering.