retreat

2 Comments Posted on Poetry

Is There a Pearl Inside?

Trying to communicate
How I feel
Why I feel
While struggling to find
Positive feelings within me.

And I feel alone
While understanding is gone
I feel forgotten
While joy is distant memory.

So I hide inside
Within my shell
With all that I value
To protect the preciousness
That I hold deep
And just maybe
Some good will survive in here.

(31 May 2016)

8 Comments Posted on Poetry

The Shame.

I feel guilt and shame
for being unhappy
while people around me
say they love me
and treat me decently
What is wrong with me?
How am I broken?
And how do you fix
an unknown problem?

I feel it sink into my stomach
and churn up nausea
Hitting me where it hurts
Physical pain
my most vulnerable spot
Autonomic Conversion

And I feel the retreat
Pull my barriers up
Close up, and
Withdraw
Just to feel
a little bit of safety
Weather the storm on my own
At least a few days
this journey will be
and many may notice
but not say anything
Select few
will ask me
“How are you?”
and I will open up
a small portal
just enough
to poke my face out
and explain
the pain
but never mentioning
the shame.

.

Exhaustion
from processing all this
and the pain
Then guilt
For not functioning
For not working
For not earning
For not contributing enough
For leaning on others so much
For being a drain
For being an anchor
holding others back
For just
failing.

Leave a comment Posted on Poetry

Over and Over and Over and Over.

It’s difficult to capture feelings
when it seems
you feel nothing at all
when you would rather disappear
than continue facing
the heartbreaking anguish
every moment brings
even though
a far off voice
is reminding you
it’s all untruths
but drowned out
by the roar
of illness-borne insanity.

What if I stopped caring for myself
forget the carefully balanced diet
steady splashes of alcohol instead
or sample something stronger
for the relief of numbness
and any break from my thoughts
seems worthwhile
but I know
(from experience)
the consequences of those actions
are worse than the present –
longer recovery
lingering side effects
toxic attack of this temple
wreaks terrible damage.

So once again
I am nothing
I can’t even break down properly
self preservation instincts
sensibleness
conspire to control me
sustain and retain me
for better or for worse
and I think
(as I always do)
that writing
is the only thing
that gets me through.