I look down at you sleeping and tell myself I know why you ask me the same questions every day. It’s because you wouldn’t stay if you were me. It took me a very long time to realize that if you could run from yourself you would never look back. Even longer to understand that knowledge of a truth does not equate to belief in the truth.
So you question me…
How could I be telling the truth when what I am saying is separated 180 degrees from your truth? It’s because there is no point in lying to you. The lies I told you outlived their usefulness almost immediately, and the pleasure of having a secret stoped being fun shortly after. I stopped trying to lie to you years ago. I’m lying to me.
“Fact, I will always be true. There is no version of myself that would or could betray you in this way. You won’t believe me on this, but it’s true.
Fact, I will never leave you. I promised to love and care for you and, with as much patience as I can muster, I will. You can’t accept the proof of this, but it’s true.
Fact, I love you. For reasons that no one else will understand I love you. I love you in a way that is so deeply ingrained in me it, in part, defines me. You don’t trust me on this, but it is true.”
Your small sleep groans punctuate the night and effectively cut off my soliloquy. The facts I have been listing under my breath hang in the air surreal and unsubstantial, as if they were written out of colored smoke. I wait afraid to move or breathe incase it tares your veil of dreams to pieces, waking you completely. Not till you settle deeper into sleep can I continue. It’s as if I believe you can even hear my thoughts. There is no other explanation for the internal one-sided conversation I am now holding.
“Though I will not acknowledge these truths as facts. It is true that I’m growing tired and resentful. It is true that you frustrate me to no end. It is true that I wish I was less determined to keep my word.
So when I answer your questions quietly with little inflection I am telling you the truth, and when I answer your questions loudly, angrily, or vehemently I am telling the truth. It isn’t worth the grief or the pain to lie to you.”
So now I only lie to myself, because liars always lie.
b00kreader 