Tag Archive: time


We have never known how much time Holly would get, because we did not know anything about her health the first year of her life, but I know that no number of years will be enough. She personifies that which I call good in this world. She is hope that tomorrow can be better than yesterday. She is trust that an outstretched hand can help not hurt. She is unconditional love in spite proof to the contrary.

We found her walking down a busy road on a rainy December morning, painfully thin and frightened. We took her home and made her part of our family. She had been nothing to someone, but she is everything to us. We promised Holly she would always be safe with us, and that we would never give up on her.

Working with VSS oncology and the University of Missouri Vet clinic is how we plan to keep our promise. With the help of these critical scans we will be able to move forward with a treatment that will allow Holly to work towards the best chance of survival we can hope for. If we are not able to perform these scans Holly’s treatment options will be limited and the likelihood of survival diminished.

We thank you for your consideration, and we hope that you agree giving Holly every opportunity to beat her thyroid cancer is a worthy cause.


That is the letter I would have sent for the procedure Holly should have received… but that monster we call cancer stole her away from us. In the end, my plans were useless. While I made phone calls, set appointments, and gathered information the monster grew. When I thought every step we took was bringing the promise of more time closer, her hope shrank.

She fought harder than she should’ve had to for things I took for granted; a breath, a step, restful sleep, a comfortable position. But through it all was love. It colored every moment, and it informed every decision. Our love for her is absolute and if it alone could heal she would be beside me now as I write this.

I would have moved heaven and earth for you sweet pea. When we made you a part of our family your father said “everyone else gave up on her, we will never give up on her”. He was right and he kept his word. I hope that what comes next is even more beautiful than your dreams sister, and I hope that one day we can journey together again.

For now… you are loved, you are safe, and the bad days are behind you.

I know you had to go, you could not stay,

but I miss you each and every day.

You were my heart, my conscience, my clock

and now it feels the world must stop.

Somehow, someway I must move forward

or run the risk of going wayward.

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I await that day we will meet again

but know I’m not alone till then.

I feel your presence as if you’re here,

or out of reach but oh so near.

You walk with me on every breeze

and I with you in moments like these.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Though you have taken a path I can’t yet tread

I know it’s one with warm sunshine ahead.

Your mark upon me will not dull or fade

my grief at this parting will be dearly paid.

My love for you cannot be measured

not in tears nor memories treasured.

Caught

The loop was endless perfection, no beginning, no end. It just was. No one questioned it anymore. No one kept count of the days, weeks, or years just the minutes. Just the long seemingly endless seconds.

Those we kept.

While it was pointless that everyone still had a clock even if they didn’t have a calendar. It was interesting to think back to the moment when the days, already so blurred and hazy, went away. But moments were all that was left. Of course we all remembered the scourge and the riots. The starting point, however, had faded into the loop when it got worse not better.

What power lies in a date that doesn’t in a moment? When we lost the historians to current events no one even bothered asking that hard question. Who had the time? We were busy fighting for each moment holding on by our fingernails daring the sunrise to come.

And it isn’t over. And the rule of the loop is, it doesn’t end. But I’ve been keeping track and hoarding time.

The loop wasn’t movement, that was the lie, and it will work till someone looks up and rubs the blinders from their eyes. It only survives if we stop looking.

So now it’s time to put the x-ray specs on. To cut out the rot and flatten the curve.

Together we can break this wheel and finally feel the winds of progress upon our brow.

If you were going to tell my story I would recommend stopping a few years back. At least that way the ending would have been happier. I mean who wants to hear about the two kids I wasn’t crazy about having or the dream I let die due to inattention.

That’s not what sells. Not unless I’m admitting to crimes of passion that would put a dateline episode back on its heels that is.

Honestly, it was just that life got the better of me. I blinked, took my eye off the clock for a second, and now I’m starting down the barrel of midnight. No one warns you that dreams are the uphill battle. They just laugh at you, behind your back.

So here I am, a little tarnished and worse for the wear, but I made it. I didn’t go down in a blaze of glory, a bright short life never really fit into my plans. I wanted the curtain calls, to be remembered. All I get these days is pity, and soft stares that see you as much as they try not to see you.

It’s okay, I know the truth is hard to look at.

You should have seen me 10 or 15 years ago though… I had everything ahead of me. It looked like it was going to be such a happy ending.

It’s

It’s late and the clock can’t do it justice.

It’s hard and respite isn’t on the horizon.

It’s sad but tears won’t help.

It’s effort or it ain’t gonna last.

It’s everything or it wasn’t nuthin much.

It’s broke but glue don’t work.

It’s pain and the hurt doesn’t stop.

It’s truth or it’ll never matter.

It’s begun but it hasn’t happened yet.

I was very nearly up. The clock had already struck one and was headed toward two. The waiting, an unbearable countdown to death.

I watched from my unique vantage point with 20:20 vision. It was awful. All the worst parts of humanity coming together becoming a beautiful disaster.

Each tick of the clock etching deeper that which was writ in stone even now. As the present started slipping into history I stood at the ready.

The future waited on midnight, burning like the dawn as generous as the Scrooge. Still a part of me hoped this night’s work would not be in vain.

Then the clock tolled.

Original illustration by John Leech (1843).

Solstice

It felt overcrowded. The dark chill of the longest night always made Bianca claustrophobic. As she lit the large three wick candle sitting on the window sill the room shrank even more.

One for Fear.

Another for Doubt.

The last for Hope.

The brightness of the light against the cold dark pane seemed false to Bianca like all summer promises in the face of a winter storm. She tried to quiet her mind and make herself present, still Doubt tugged at her. Bianca slowly opened her eyes only to find Fear stared back. If her breath hadn’t caught Bianca would have blown the candle out, suddenly preferring the oppressive dark to the stifling light, but the warmth of Hope washed over her.

She checked her watch, settled a blanket over her shoulders ready to wait out the night, and when dawn finally trailed through the window Bianca drew an easy breath.

“And so the wheel turns again.”

Non-adult

I don’t feel 35.

I don’t live in my own house. I’m not married. I don’t have any kids. I’m none of the things my mother was at 35.

I still wear my nerdy T-shirts, and I like dying my hair vivid colors. I hold down a full time job with benefits. I pay taxes. I have bought and sold a house. I’m currently paying down my last credit card and a mountain of student loans… which feels adult as fuck.

I don’t think anyone could question my adult status, but some how I still feel like an imposter. Could I be called out for not succeeding at life because I haven’t met my mother’s milestones… but what if my mom hadn’t felt obligated to start a family at 22? Would she have gone to school? Would she have worn concert tees instead of sensible shoes, or splurged on decadent brunch?

Perhaps it’s not that I am in suspended animation, as is often said of millennials. Instead, maybe this deliberate stroll into adulthood makes sense. It could be that stretching the milestone out rather than compressing them into the first 5 years after high school is a good thing. I’m not ashamed to say I have learned from the journeys of my mother and grandmothers, which I will not call mistakes.

I’m not sure if it’s the lines around my eyes or the exhaustion in my bones that make me an adult now. I am, however, pretty sure it’s not the years. Experience and maturity seem better markers than the calendar. This is my life, I am making my choices without kowtowing to the conventions of past generations, and I’m perfectly happy to be a 35-year old non-adult.

As she walked purposefully toward the hill crest the leaves didn’t crunch underfoot, they whispered. Still their message was clear.

Respect the passage of time.

Diana didn’t need the reminder though. Everywhere she looked the delicate balance of life and death was being played out for all to see. Healthy feed corn on withered stalks. Vibrant colored trees dropping leaves like rainclouds. Even the air seemed to spin with wild abandon from sunlight warmed to bonfire perfumed icy breath.

She like the manic feel of Fall. The frenzy of soaking up every last dappled drop of light before night overtook day. The rush of completing each autumnal event on the list. Apple picking, check. Pumpkin carving, check. Cider mulling, double check. Each outdoor activity fighting off the not so secret fear of a pending winter. To Diana euphoria tempered with melancholia was the ideal mindset for this moody season.

From August through November she had watched the world change before her very eyes with each storm or frosty morning. Finally, perched at last upon her vantage point the whole of Diana’s small town was laid out before her. It was quaint, her town, filled with a bright history, like so many others, but it’s future was shadowy at best. For a moment it seemed to Diana that she could see both past and future in that panorama. For a second the frenzy gave way to clarity.

Seasons change, tides turn, and time marches on.

In the face of such certainty Diana felt easy for the first time in months. We are all in this together she thought, looking longingly over her shoulder jealously wanting to hold on to her moment of peace, during dark winter nights and balmy summer days… only time would tell which way the balance was falling.

My Time (Part 3 of 3)

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Weeks later Len had made his way back through his rotation of beautiful cemeteries to stroll in, and found himself excited to visit Alden Paxt’s grave stone once more.  So much so that his walk was really more of a jog.  While he made his way through the immaculately manicured lawn Len thought about how much the Mysterious Mr. Paxt had changed how he walked through graveyards.  Now he read each name and date, even kept a journal dedicated to the ones that seemed intriguing or had great quotes.  Len felt more aware and perceptive and he liked it.

That is, perhaps, why he noticed the book from such a long way off.  Sitting on the aged marble stone sat an old paperback novel so well loved by its previous owner that the pages curled back and nearly touched the spine.  Len looked in every direction but could find no one so as he moved closer tentatively he reached out to grab the book.  His hand trembled slightly fully aware that he was intruding on something deeply personal.  Never before had he dared to bother mementos left by the bereaved, but today not even proper etiquette could stop Len.

The author’s name was undecipherable on the broken spine but the gold foil title My Time could still be made out.  Len not even bothering to walk toward the nearby bench turned to the first page and began reading.

Time is the only thing that makes life worth living, and for me the clock started with a flash of lightening…

Len felt his eyes widen as he reread the first line.  It was the quote.  Slowly the realization that he now held the only clue to who Alden Paxt was in his hand dawned on him.  So fast he nearly tore the page Len flipped to the title page.  There is bold black typeface were the words;  My Time by Moses Darling copyright 1972.

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Some how Len had made it to the bench before he collapsed.  Sitting there head between his knees, heart racing, taking what he hoped were deep calming breaths Len tried to make sense of the book.  He could have seen the headstone and liked the quote same as me was his first thought.  They were both from the same area so it wasn’t too far of a reach.  Maybe it was a famous quote and he had just never heard it before Len thought, but that seemed to be a bit more of a stretch.  Nervously he opened the book again to the last page hoping for a blurb about the author instead he found an oddly placed dedication page.

Now the name Alden Paxt will never be forgotten.

That decided him.  Len didn’t fidget while he read or even take coffee and bathroom breaks he read My Time as if it might dissolve away in the breeze if he stopped.  Hours later he began to feel a slight itchy sensation that told him someone was watching, but he ignored it.  It wasn’t till the light started to fade that he finally looked up.

“So what did you think” the the man leaning on his cane asked.

“I… I loved it.  Um, have you heard of it,” Len said as he turned the cover towards the stranger who made a noncommittal shrug.  “Well you see its a story about a man who lives twice.  Once in reverse where he gets younger rather than older, and then once moving forward.”

“How would that have happened,” the man asked as he sat down on the other end of the bench.

“That part is never really explained actually,” Len said flipping the pages of the book, “but the life he lived.” He sighed audibly looking over at Alden’s stone.  “It was worth living.”

“What’s that now?”

“Sorry I just meant, I know its fiction but the character in this book he really lived his life.  He made mistakes as much as he got it right, but he didn’t let fear stop him.  He just kept going like he knew he would get to do it again, like… I’m not doing it justice,” Len finished rather lamely.

“Like all his ends were actually beginnings,” the man offered while staring into the sunset.

“Exactly!  Odd place for that kind of realization huh?”

“Why would that be son?”

“Well,” Len said motioning to the rows of grave markers, “we are literally surrounded by ends.”

“Oh, yah,” the elderly gentleman said goading Len.  “What about that one there,” the man said pointing, “how is his story over?”

Len followed the man’s outstretched finger.  “Alden Paxt?  Good example he kind of exists as a middle I don’t know his beginning or end just the dates.”

“Ha!” The man’s bark of laughter cut through the evening air.  “Your holding his beginning there son.  The end though is sure to be up for interpretation.”

“How would you know that?”

“I’m the one who left it.”

Len watched as the skin crinkled around the man’s dark deep set eyes and a smile broke out upon his kind face.  “How did you know Alden Paxt?” Without meaning to his question came out more like a demand.

“Don’t be so surprised son, as it turns out life is often stranger than fiction.  I think you should keep that copy… It suits you, and that way neither of our names will be forgotten.”

“But I don’t know your name,” Len said confusion obvious in his voice.

The man slowly stood cane in hand, “I cannot say I ever had a proper one but friends have been know to call me Moses.” And just like that the man started to walk away.  Len stood and would have followed him, but the man’s voice blew back on the building breeze.  “Or Alden.  There was a time when people knew me by that name too.”

Len sat down hard without having meant to staring after the kind man’s silhouette as it melted into the growing shadows.  “Stranger than fiction,” he asked in a whisper, “talk about an understatement.” The book suddenly felt very heavy in Len’s hands like a story that spanned nearly 200 years should.

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Thanks for reading!  I hope you liked it I spent quite a while making Alden’s life come to life, and I’m happy with it but there is always room to grow.

Please leave any comments to help me make my stories better.  Could you see my ending coming, where my attempts attempts at humor silly, or my dialogue stiff? I want to know.  Thanks in advance!

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