Well..that was uncomfortable

Like any good infertile, I googled the crap out of endometrial biopsy.  The reactions to the procedure varied from "that was uncomfortable" to "Oh mother of God this hurts".  As you can imagine, my mind immediately went to the "this is going to hurt like a mo'fo" side of things.  Driving in today, I was terrified.  Sweets is in pre-production on a project and could join me so I was on my own today.  

The clinic was hopping.  There were a ton of people there.  Apparently they've just opened up the clinic to a new program "Pelvic Pain" so I assume a number of the people there were not for fertility treatments but rather pain management or relief.  I had a bit of a wait so the new demographic in the clinic allowed for some interesting people watching. 

Dr. C and I chatted for a bit.  I asked him a few more questions regarding more blood work (immunology) as well as the biopsy.  He didn't feel that immunity was our issue.  And while there is no conclusive evidence that biopsies lead to better implantation numbers, he would perform the procedure because I asked.  Further, he feels that within the next two attempts, I will get pregnant.  He was confident in fact.  I wish I was as confident as him!

The procedure was super quick but quite uncomfortable.  He scraped my uterus 5 times.  It was if someone took a window scraper and used it to remove the frost inside me.  Ugh... With the first application of the instrument, my uterus cramped up and I immediately started perspiring.  Thankfully it only lasted a few minutes.  If it continued much longer, I think I would have been incredibly vocal about my pain.  As soon as the procedure was over, the cramps subsided.  While I'm still experiencing some cramping right now, it's incredibly mild. 

Dr. C is starting up his own private clinic.  Tomorrow is his last day.  He encouraged me to remain at my current clinic for my FETs; however, if they are not successful, he stated that if I wanted to move to his clinic, no referral would be necessary.  Though I haven't been successful with him, I do trust him.  Granted, he's incredibly cerebral, a little awkward and goofy, he has an excellent reputation in the IF community.  I feel quite comfortable at my clinic, but I think that if we have to do IVF #3, we'll be moving to Dr. C's new clinic. 


I had to wait a while for my nurse's appointment regarding the FET protocol.  It's the same protocol as before so nothing to report there.  

The highlight of my visit today?  My clinic mom Ra.vi was there today. :)  She's awesome.  As soon as she saw me, she gave me one of those million dollar smiles and asked how I was doing.  Since there was a backlog of patients today, I had to wait a while to see the nurse.  During my wait, Ra.vi offered me some of her homemade curry and naan.  Delicious!  Love Indian food.  On my way out, Ra.vi was going on her break.  We rode down on the elevator today and she gave me a huge hug before exiting.  
She made my day. :)   

So the story goes....

I had my WTF appointment today.  Unfortunately I had to miss one of my favourite lesson plans on Stalin and the Purges today because I couldn't get a later appointment.  Argh...I hate planning for a TOC (Teacher on Call).  It's always double the work to plan for someone else.

Dr. C was rather prompt which was unusual.  He typically runs about 15 mins late.  We went over my latest failure.  I know that fertility isn't an exact science, but it's a little frustrating when your RE looks at your charts and doesn't know why you're not getting pregnant.  My follicles developed at a uniform rate which is what they want.  Of the 12 retrieved, 10 fertilized.  All but 1 of our 10 eggs were 8 cells on day 3.  The majority were either grade 1 or 2 with only one grade 4. Even Sweets's count was the highest it's ever been.  When we first started down this path a year ago, his samples were in the 1 to 5 million range.  We kept telling ourselves, "It takes only one."  This time his sample was at 48 million.  Huge difference!  Morphology appears to be the main issue now with his numbers being "borderline" as my RE put it.  This cycle, for the most part, was an excellent cycle.  The only problem was that it wasn't successful.  And my RE doesn't know why.  I suppose we can now be moved from the "Male Factor" category to the "Unexplained" category. 

He seemed a bit rushed today, so I had to slow him down so that he could answer my questions.  The main thing I wanted to know was whether an endometrial biopsy would be beneficial.  He stated that there is no conclusive evidence that it's beneficial as there have been only limited studies done on this.  However, if I wanted to get one done, he would do it.  That was easy.  So on Thursday I'm going in (missing another freaking day of work!) to get my uterus scraped.  I'm sure it's as painful as it sounds.  With all the torture I've put my body through, I hope to God that my baby when he/she is older appreciates the havoc my body has endured!

      

F.M.L.

Welcome to my mish-mash post.  

After about a week of OPKs, I have concluded that I ovulated early this cycle.  About 5 days early.  Frick and frack!  That freaking ship has sailed this month.  On top of that, Sweets was away on business when I think I ovulated.  So unless I'm a candidate for immaculate conception, there is no BFP coming this month. 

To add insult to freaking injury, I had to drop a huge wad of cash today for some dental work.  I'm a clencher.  At night, I clench my teeth and my back molars are almost ground down to the gums.  So attractive, I know.  Today I spent 2.5 hours in the dentist's chair preparing my teeth for new crowns.  To be honest, my mother took pity on me and gifted me the money.  She knows how expensive our fertility treatments are so she wanted to help lift some of the burden.  I'm back in two weeks to get the permanent crowns put in. Good times.  

On the work front, I've got this new kid in my History 12 class.  He joined us after the uber lesson I mentioned earlier.  He's an interesting kid but some issues have been coming up.  For instance, during our current events discussion he thought it would be appropriate to make an anti-Semitic joke.  Seriously?  He looked at me and said, "Hey, you're smiling."  My response?  "No.  This is the look of disdain and contempt."  Redundant I know but I wanted to get my point across.  Yesterday he mentioned that he couldn't wait to turn 18 so that he could go to a strip club.  Huh?  Since when do strip clubs let 18 year olds in?  Well apparently there's one club that only serves non-alcoholic beverages!  Then today, after he and another new student (both transfers from the same school) tried chatting up my student teacher - a cute as a button 26 year old - he challenged his friend by saying, "I'll give you $20 if you tap that."  WTF is wrong with this kid?  So he's anti-Semitic and sexist.  What's next?  Is he going to call someone a "f.ag" or a "dy.ke"?  Maybe push the kids in wheelchairs down some stairs?  In what reality does he think that this behaviour is okay?  Definitely not in my classroom!  So tomorrow I'm going to have to have a "chat" with him about his comments and make it clear that there is a difference between what is appropriate for school discussion and what needs to be kept to himself.  He can think whatever he wants but he cannot spew that bigoted and sexist crap in my class.  Ugh.  As I've mentioned before, I love teaching.  I just hate dealing with some of the shit that comes along with it.           

Oh. Come on!

I know that IVF messes with your cycle.  I know this, but man am I frustrated/worried/concerned that I haven't had my LH surge yet.  Since CD 11, I've been using clear.blue to monitor my ovulation and have been testing.  There's been a faint second line since that first day, but it appears to be fading.  WTF?  Fading?  Did I ovulate super early?  I did experience increased CM about 3 days ago but that's reduced now.  Am I not going to ovulate at all?  Tomorrow is CD 16 and it's my last testing strip.  Just ovulate already! 

On Friday we had our staff "welcome back" party at a colleague's house.  About a month ago, one our colleagues married.  With marriage inevitably comes the question, "When are you going to have babies?"  I think she handled it well.  Others were joking, "Oh you'll be pregnant in a year."  And she said, "Only if it's a surprise."  Another lady popped up and said, "Aren't all babies a surprise?"  The majority of the women started to agree and I felt compelled to say something.  "No not really.  Not all babies are surprises."  Some of my close friends at work know what we're dealing with but this lady is the wife of a colleague so she has no clue about my fertility struggles.  For some reason she felt the need to repeat, "All babies are surprises."  And once again I said, "No.  Not all babies are surprises.  Some are incredibly planned."  Thankfully the topic shifted to something else after that.  I truly hope my friend doesn't have any issues conceiving when she finally makes the decision to do so.  Infertility is something I wouldn't wish on anyone.    

Today was a good day

I have nothing to report on the infertility/baby quest front.  Just waiting to ovulate so Sweets and I can do the deed.  That sounds dirty doesn't it?  Can you really call sex with a purpose (baby) making love?  Like every other woman suffering from IF, the idea of getting pregnant naturally would be like finding the Holy Grail.  Wholly desired but unfathomable.  Anyway, I'm counting down the days to my appointment.  I hope Dr. C is able to provide us with some answers and give us some direction as to where to go next. 

It's only been a week and a half of school and I am loving my History 12 class.  Today we had a great day.  It was a lesson on ideologies and political parties - communism, fascism, socialism etc...  I had the students get into groups and they wrote "I am" poems.  They personified the ideology.  Every year, I look forward to this lesson because I always enjoy the poems produced.  Wow. I was not disappointed.  Today the poems the students produced today were just outstanding.  The vocabulary, the insight, and imagination were amazing.  A few of the students even "performed" their poems as if they were performing spoken word.  I think the most ironic reading came from an African Canadian student who read out his group's Nazism poem yet sounded like a Baptist preacher on a Sunday.  It was a perfect lesson.  The students worked well together, learned the material and had some fun.  On top of the super, awesome A+++ History class today, after my English class the SEA (special education assistant) took me aside and said, "I don't know if I'll be here after tomorrow but I just wanted to let you know that I think you're an incredible teacher."  With all the teacher bashing I've been reading lately in the education blogs, it feels good to have a lesson go perfectly and to hear from someone, who I've only worked with for 3 days say that I'm doing a great job.  All in all, it turned out to be a super duper day.  :)  

I don't have everything I want in life, but darn it, I love my job and I guess I'm pretty good at it.  For that I am thankful.           

Reboot

I've surprised myself.  I've bounced back from this failure much better than last time. Perhaps it's because I didn't allow myself to "go there" completely.  Unlike the first time where I started naming babies and visualizing myself talking to my progeny, this time I tried not to think about it.  I didn't come up with a decorating scheme for the nursery or consider buying baby clothes at all.  Don't get me wrong, the BFN hurt like a mo fo' but I think I was better prepared for it this time.  I just hope this is the last time I have to deal with disappointment.  I don't know how many times I can rebuild or guard myself before I completely lose myself. 

My WTF appointment is on the 26th.  I emailed my RE to let him know that it failed and wanted to know if I was going to be doing my FET at the new or old clinic.  He replied quite promptly and informed me to continue at the old clinic for now.  Sweets was supposed to come with me but the day after I made the appointment, he was given a work contract.  If you've been following my blog at all you'll know that Sweets has had a tough year for work.  This is the first contract since May.  As a result, I'm more than willing to go to the appointment alone.  

The first week of school went well.  This semester I'm teaching English 10, Social Studies 11 and History 12.  In the Socials and History class, I know the majority of the students so there's this comfort and sense of familiarity already.  That can be both positive and negative.  Positive in the sense that we know each other, and negative because we know each other.  Thankfully I have a lot of wonderful kids to work with this year.  

Friday ended on an exciting note with the minor earth.quake.  We all know that the lower mainland is prone to earth.quakes and we've all been told to expect the big.one. one day.  I was just in the middle of a lesson on nationalism when one of my students said, "Do you feel that?"  When I stopped walking, I was overcome with a sense of dizzy and nausea.  My body swayed back and forth.  It wasn't violent but just enough to make everyone in the class feel woozy and a little scared.  Once it registered in my mind that it was an earth.quake, I told them to get under their desks and I went to call the office.  The office staff felt nothing.  They thought I was joking.  With my students still freaking out, I went next door to my colleagues room, she felt nothing but a couple of her students felt it.  It appeared that only pockets of the school felt the tremors.  Later on I found that the earth.quake was the same intensity as the recent one in New Zealand.  Thankfully it was far below the surface and just off the into the ocean.  Though my lesson plan was shot and the students were a little frightened, I think the most positive thing that came out of this is that when we do our drills in the future, my students will take it more seriously.

There's a lot of time between now and my WTF appointment.  For now, I'll just enjoy the late summer heat, get to know my students better, and hope that by Christmas I'll be pregnant. 
 

Sadness to Anger

I'm still reeling from AF's arrival yesterday.  But I think the sadness has moved to anger.  Why the fuck didn't 3 perfect embryos implant?  I'm going to call the clinic tomorrow and try to get into to see my RE as soon as possible.  We've now transferred 6 embryos and none of them have taken.  Why not?  I am going to ask for further testing to be done to see if there is something in my uterus that is hostile to the embryos or what.  I wonder how long all this testing will take.  We all know that time is not on my side.  

This fucking sucks!    Part of me is so, so sad but the other part is angry.  Furious  This just isn't fair.  At this rate, my niece will be pregnant before I am! I'm just sick of all this IF crap.

I'm sure many of you play little head games with yourself.  My period was incredibly spotty yesterday and most of the discharge was that lovely dark brown colour.  I tried to reason with myself that it could just be spotting and meant nothing.  That if it slows down and dissipates tomorrow, then there's still a chance.  But then the cramps came.  Those gut wrenching cramps that could mean nothing else than AF signalling that she's coming in for a forced landing.  Today it's full steam ahead.  I know that it seems ridiculous, but I'm still using my Crinone, and I'll be going in tomorrow to get my Beta done.  I know that it will once again come back as zero but I am a stickler for rules and protocol.   And like I said before, mind games.

To add insult to injury, yesterday our neighbours had a BBQ with friends.  Wouldn't you know, their guests had an adorable baby with them.  So there I was, stuck in my sadness and self-pity, and all I can hear is a little baby next door.  Cruel.      

You know, I just want to be a mommy.  And I really want to give my parents grandchildren.  Over the years, I witnessed my parents interact with other people's grandchildren.  They LOVE kids.  My dad especially.  He loves to play with kids.  His face just lights up when there is a baby or a toddler around.  Freaking LIGHTS UP.  I want to give that to them.  Ironically, my brother and his wife have chosen to not have children.  My SIL and I are almost the same age; she's 5 days older.  But I bet you if they started trying today, they would be pregnant before me.  I've always wanted children and I can't.  Arghh!!!  Not fair. 

That's the way the cookie crumbles

My period has arrived.   Right on schedule.

Last night I had some mild cramping.  The cramps continued today.  About a half an hour ago, I went to the washroom and noticed some light red blood. 

IVF 2.0 is over. 

What the fuck is wrong with me?  Three perfect embryos are placed inside and I still can't get pregnant.  We'll definitely be pushing some more testing with my RE - blood test, uterine biopsy, whatever is necessary to find out why the embryos aren't implanting. 

Honestly, I don't know if I want to keep putting myself through this emotional roller coaster.  We have the 5 CD3 embryos frozen.  If they don't take, I think we're done.  Sweets wants to keep going until we're pregnant but I can't go through this heartbreak over and over again.  Plus, our bank account can't take it. 

With it being the long weekend, the lab is closed tomorrow.  Sweets doesn't think I should go get the beta - cruel and unusual punishment.  But I need to do it.  Just for closure.  

Yes, I envy her.

This morning there was an interesting documentary on HBO called "12th & Delaware".  In a nutshell, the documentary was about the abortion debate in the United States.  Please note, I'm not debating abortion.  Not opening up a can of worms here.  I'm simply commenting about something I saw in the film.

In one portion of the film, there was a woman speaking. Her face was blocked out to protect her anonymity.  In the scene, she spoke with one of the nurses at the clinic.  Frightened and in shock, her voice quivered as she explained that she just discovered she's pregnant.  It is unexpected.  Now, I'm sure you're visualizing a young 20-something woman aren't you?  Someone who may have been "caught up in the moment" with her boyfriend and didn't use a condom.  Someone who didn't take her birth control pills properly.   

No. 

She's forty-seven years old and this is an unwanted pregnancy.  Forty-seven and she's pregnant. Naturally.  I'm sure she assumed that she couldn't get pregnant anymore.  Yet there she is.  

Three years short of her 50th birthday and she's pregnant.  

Naturally.
No IUIs.  
No hormone injections.  
No daily visits with the vagcam.  
No retrievals nor transfers. 
No suppositories.
No BFN.
Naturally.  

And I was jealous.  

How sad is that?      

Oh my aching head.

I have a headache.  This is not a good sign.  Typically just days before I get my period, I get a headache on the right side of my head.  Just before dinner tonight, I felt it coming on and I knew.  This cycle is over.  

I went back to my classroom this morning to start my back to school prep. Funny, I'm so looking forward to school starting as it takes my mind off of IF, 2ww, AF everything. I love teaching. I love what I do. My principal shared some wonderful news with me today. A student I taught at summer school in July decided to enroll at our school because she so enjoyed being in my classroom. Wow. She left what's considered to be one of the best schools in the district and transferred to our inner city "have not" school because of me. She's a great kid, a talented writer, and had a bad experience with her English 10 teacher. At the end of summer school, she came to me in private and said, "Thank you for showing me that there are good teachers who care." 

Perhaps I may never have children. Perhaps the closest I'll ever be to being a mom is being a student's "School Mom". I'm sorry for being a Debbie Downer right now. In our province, we're right in the middle of contract negotiations and I've been reading all the anti-teacher comments and they break my heart. I really wish the commenters knew how much I care for their kids.  Strangers really when you think about it.  I don't have kids, so I throw all of myself into the best teacher possible.