Social Media Friends vs "Real" Friends

From Bilbo's Department of Shameless Plagiarism of Good Ideas comes today's post, inspired by fellow blogger John's post from last Saturday.

In his post, John ruminated on the differences between the friendships we maintain on social media and the friendships based on close and in-person contact. In John's view, social media relationships aren't "real" relationships, and we shouldn't have the people we routinely see every day as social media friends, because they deserve more personal contact ... we should have live conversations with them, face to face, and reserve the social media-level of friendship for those who are separated from us by great distance, or who are not necessarily our closest and warmest friends.

I sort of agree with that. Right now, I have 220 "friends" on Facebook, which is my primary social media outlet (I have a Twitter account, but almost never use it). Of that 220 number, probably about a third are people I've either never met in person or met once at a party or conference, and probably wouldn't recognize if we encountered each other on the street ... although I'd probably enjoy actually meeting and getting to know most of them. 

My 220 social media (Facebook) friends fall into the following general groups:

Members of my extended family (brothers, sister, children, grandchildren, nieces, nephews, cousins, and so on);

High School and college friends with whom I've gotten re-acquainted (and in some cases, acquainted for the first time);

Dance friends from our time as active ballroom dancers and competitors;

Former work colleagues, including people I got to know because we rode the commuter bus together every day for many years;

Blogging friends (a fair number of whom I've actually met face-to-face - among them Andrea, Mike, Kathy, Birgitta, and Peggy, or by phone or exchange of snail mail - like Amanda from sunny Australia); and,

Friends of friends (people who have initiated contact with me because of things I've posted that they've seen on their friends' Facebook pages or blogs). This is a relatively small, but slowly growing group.

While I greatly prefer to enjoy my friendships up close and personal, I've found social media (Facebook, in the main) to be a great way to maintain contact and share information with friends and relatives who live at a great distance. It keeps us connected as much or as little as we wish to be, and it's a good way to prevent the sort of profound shock that often happens when we run into people we haven't seen for years ... what I think of as the "you're WHO???" reaction. In fact, that's how I got started on Facebook - when my high school class had its 40th reunion back in 2009, one of the organizers encouraged all of us to set up Facebook pages and post a few recent photos so we'd sort of recognize each other when we got together. Most of us did, and kept going, and it's been great fun.

One of the more recent problems is that much of the political anger and divisiveness that has ruptured the country has spilled over into the social media world. I've always been pretty outspoken about my political views in my blog and on Facebook, and I've engaged in a fair amount of heated discussion with various friends on FB, but so far nothing has yet reached the point where it's become nasty and vituperative* ... I've not yet felt the urge to "unfriend" anyone. I have both liberal and conservative friends, but most of them are reasonable and rational people with whom I don't mind the volley of competing ideas. Those who disagree with me are wrong, of course, and they think I am ... but we manage to remain friends.

But getting back to John's original blog post on this topic, here's a quote I don't think he'll mind me using:

"I'm actually more interested in meeting the people that read this blog and write their own personal blogs more than I am in meeting many of the people that follow on various forms of social media."

This is true. While it's nice to be able to keep up with the activities of our friends, it's even better to sit down once in a while over a coffee or lunch or dinner and really get to know one another. Of course, if we actually met in person, we might not recognize each other, given that we tend to be ... um ... generously selective with the profile photos we choose.

Bottom line: while I agree with John that "real" friends are better, I'm not likely to give up my "virtual" Facebook friends just yet. In any case, what we think of today as "social media" is not that much different from the concept of the "pen pal" that those of us of a certain age will remember. I like to think that my friendship with Amanda in Brisbane, Australia - whom I'm never likely to meet in person - is any less warm because we've carried it out through the exchange of blog posts, snail mail and one memorable phone call.

Have a good day, whether live or on social media.

More thoughts tomorrow.

Bilbo

* Snide and snarky, yes, but I can live with that.

Scruffy Hospitality

Agnes and I enjoy entertaining, but it's not always easy or enjoyable to get ready for the arrival of guests. The house has to be tidied up, the bathrooms cleaned, the worst of the junk put away, etc, etc. But that said, we're relatively laid back about it ... we have friends who believe their homes must be completely spotless before guests arrive, in case someone should need open heart surgery between dinner courses, perhaps. We just move most of the unsightly stuff into my study or the guest bedroom and close the door.

As you can imagine, I was thrilled to run across a reference earlier this month to the concept of Scruffy Hospitality.

Scruffy Hospitality is the style encouraged by Anglican priest Jack King in his blog Knox Priest, and he defines it this way -

"Scruffy hospitality means you’re not waiting for everything in your house to be in order before you host and serve friends in your home. Scruffy hospitality means you hunger more for good conversation and serving a simple meal of what you have, not what you don’t have. Scruffy hospitality means you’re more interested in quality conversation than the impression your home or lawn makes. If we only share meals with friends when we’re excellent, we aren’t truly sharing life together."

I like this idea. There's an old Pennsylvania Dutch saying that a home should be clean enough to be healthy and dirty enough to be happy, and if we're happy, our friends should be, too. This doesn't mean, of course, that we should invite people to come to a home that looks like the aftermath of a category 5 tornado, but that we should invest more time in the guests than in the preparation.

I think scruffy hospitality is the way to go. If you're in our area, come by and we'll try it out. Just don't look in the study or the guest bedroom*.

Have a good day. More scruffy thoughts tomorrow.

Bilbo

* Our equivalent of Fibber McGee's closet.

The Things We Learn in Time

One of the things we learn as we grow older is that we missed a lot of things when we were younger. One of the things I've learned is that I now count as friends a lot of people that I only vaguely knew back in high school, if I knew them at all ... back then, we moved in different circles and belonged to different cliques that tended to limit or prevent our contact. Now, though, through the magic of nostalgia fueled by Facebook and the occasional reunion, we're finding each other and realizing that we missed out on a great deal.

At our 40th high school reunion back in 2009, I reconnected with Debbie - a lady I'd worshiped from afar all those years ago. We discovered that she'd also had an interest in me back then, but that we were both too shy to do anything about it. We became good friends, and I was greatly saddened when she passed away not long after the reunion.

When my father passed away last year, I was astounded when Bill ... one of the football stars from my old high school ... appeared at the funeral home to pay his respects. We'd sort of known each other back in the day, but I was part of the geek group, and he was one of the jocks, and never the twain shall meet. He was pleasant and gracious, and it warmed my heart that he came out in such terrible winter weather to help say goodbye to dad.

And through the magic of Facebook I've come to know Gail, a lady I knew back in high school only in passing ... but it turns out she and I share a fondness for many similar things, like Rudyard Kipling's "Just So Stories," the adventures of Sherlock Holmes, and the poetry of Robert W. Service ... and on top of everything else, she knows the lyrics to "Sixteen Tons." Had I but known ...

And then there's Pepper, who was a majorette back in high school - a class of demigoddess that lived well above the level of the Common Nerd. And today, she's a speech therapist with a fun and quirky sense of humor with whom a linguist and semanticist can enjoy trading terrible puns.

And let's not forget Marilyn, another of my re-found friends, whose love of crafts - particularly quilting - has made her a soul mate to Agnes, and led to my fear that the two may eventually meet in person and deplete my savings in the nearest fabric store.

The musing here is just that we have friends in places we didn't always expect or completely understand. And it's sad that it takes so long to realize it.

Have a good day. Come back tomorrow for the naming of our Left-Cheek Ass Clown for January.

Bilbo

Bad Memories

If, like me, you are active on Facebook, you know that the program helpfully suggests all sorts of people you might like to have as friends, based on its comparison of your digital profile to those of millions of other Facebook users. Most of the people it suggests to me are either people I already know, but have no particular interest in "friending," or people I've never heard of before and have no particular interest in knowing. The other day, though, it came up with a friend recommendation that brought back a tidal wave of bad memories.

The individual Facebook suggested I might want to "friend" was a despicable bully who made my grade-school and middle-school life utterly miserable. He and his friends believed that smaller, bookish people like me were put on earth for the sole purpose of making him feel powerful by giving him someone to torment. People may change over time, but I doubt that this individual has changed that much. I suspect he found a career as a debt collector or bouncer in a cheap club where he can continue making people's lives a living hell and get paid for it.

I hadn't thought about that person for many years, and have no interest whatsoever in being on the same continent with him, much less "friending" him. But this incident reminds me of a topic I've written about twice before in my blog, and which was the subject of an interesting opinion piece in Sunday's Washington Post ...

In December of 2006, I wrote an untitled post about a simple, yet profound question posed by Lance Morrow in his book Evil: An Investigation: what happens if nobody ever forgets? His question dealt with the inability of some people to forgive wrongs done in the distant past, and how that desire to cling to a hateful memory and seek vengeance prevents healing and moving on with life - Jews will never forget the Holocaust, American blacks will never forget slavery, Palestinians will never forget the creation of Israel, Armenians will never forget the genocide of 1915, and so on. What happens if nobody ever forgets? ... every wrong done by one person or group to another lives on in bitter memory. Forever.

A few years later, in April of 2010, I wrote a post titled Remembering to Forget that was based on a related idea: the observation by Viktor Mayer-Schoenberger that the Internet and cheap digital memory have led to an environment in which nothing is ever forgotten because everything can be simply and cheaply remembered ... an environment where the default value of a memory is save rather than forget.

And yesterday in the Washington Post, Mr Mayer-Schoenberger revisited his concept of the importance of forgetting in an interesting and timely article titled, Can We Forgive If We Can't Forget? His theme is summed up in this wonderful quote from the article:

"With comprehensive digital memories all around us, forgetting one another’s offenses becomes more difficult; through our digital tools we’ll be alerted to all that we thought we had forgotten. This will make it harder for us to forgive."

I had forgotten about the stupid bully from my childhood until Facebook suggested that I might want him as a friend. And when the memories came rushing back, there was no thought in my mind of reaching out and "friending" him and forgiving him for the misery he caused me ... all I remembered was the fear and the shame I'd endured at his hands every day all those years ago. 

Today I'm a perfectly happy professional adult, married to a great lady, with three wonderful children, six beautiful grandchildren and a large circle of friends ... and I still detest that one schoolyard bully I last saw nearly fifty years ago. 

I suppose I have proved Mr Meyer-Schoenberg's point.

Have a good day. More thoughts tomorrow.

Bilbo

Guest Post

Hey, everybody - it's me, Nessa! I haven't posted anything here for a while, and I'm writing this early so that Bilbo can publish it for me later ... because I'm afraid I won't be here any more.

Yep, I've been kind of sick for the last couple of months, with this nasty thing growing on my left eye. Bilbo and Agnes took me to the vet a couple of weeks ago and had it removed, but it grew back very fast, and even bigger than before. When they talked about it they used the word cancer, which I know isn't a good thing ... so I've been getting my affairs in order, if you know what I mean. Later on this afternoon, they're taking me back to the vet, and this time, I won't be coming back.

Now, I'm not the smartest pup in the litter, but I know that I've had a good, fun life. Bilbo and Agnes loved me and took great care of me, and all their children and grandchildren did, too ...

I had lots of time to play, guarded Bilbo's house against all those mailmen and door-to-door salesmen, and enjoyed those long walks with him in the evening before bed, when he told me all his troubles and I helped him relax. He still likes telling the story about the time he took me for a walk in the woods behind the house and got lost, and it took hours for us to find our way back! He's not a bad guy, you know ... he might make a good dog someday, with the right training!

So don't feel sorry for me ... I know that Punky and Moseby and Wooly and all my friends are waiting for me, and there'll be plenty of cats and squirrels to chase, and plenty of toys and treats, and water and food bowls that are always full. And I know that when Bilbo and Agnes finally get here, we'll all be able to play again just like before.

Everybody be safe and love each other. When you get here, look me up ... we can throw a few frisbees or something.

Goodbye, and Woof!

Nessa

The Ones Who'll Help You Move the Body

I wrote this past Monday about Agnes's ongoing project for her digital scrapbooking and journaling course in which she had to develop a two-page spread about herself based on the supposed characteristics of her Zodiac sign. Well, the drama continued yesterday evening as she called me into her nest to look at an online, two-page list of adjectives that could be used an individual, and asked me to pick out the ones that applied to her.

Not being stupid, I (to paraphrase the great W. C. Fields) rejected those words that might, if misunderstood, end up eliciting the attention of the coroner, and offered a careful selection which included the word friendly.

This led to a discussion of the concept of friendship which - to Agnes - is a word not to be taken lightly. And, on reflection, I have to agree that she's right.

There's an old saying that an acquaintance will help you move, but a friend will help you move a body. This is a crude, yet accurate statement of a difference we don't often think about much in the Facebook era, where we collect "friends" as if they were Hummel figurines, beer cans, or decorative paperweights. You may recall this cartoon from two weeks ago on Cartoon Saturday ...

It makes a statement that Agnes reminded me of as we talked about the implications of the word friend. If she were introducing someone from her office to me, for instance, she'd use the term co-worker, where I might have loosely described the individual as a friend from the office. The difference is ... or, at least, should be ... profound.

If I think of a friend as someone I can share my innermost thoughts and secrets with, someone I can turn to for help at any time and know that he'll drop everything to come to my aid, someone I'm completely comfortable with in any setting, I can only think of one person out of the many hundreds I might loosely describe as friends. I have 119 friends on Facebook (the average number is actually 120, according to the Facebook blog), but I would probably describe only one of them as a true friend according to the definition earlier in this paragraph (yes, he's the one friend I mentioned above).

There are a great many people I consider friends in a looser fashion ... people I care about and whose company I enjoy. Most of my dancing acquaintances and many of my co-workers fall into this category. But real, honest-to-goodness, help-me-hide-the-body friends ... just one.

The concept of true friendship was summed up in one of my favorite poems - The Thousandth Man, by Rudyard Kipling ...

One man in a thousand, Solomon says.
Will stick more close than a brother.
And it's worth while seeking him half your days
If you find him before the other.

Nine hundred and ninety-nine depend
On what the world sees in you,
But the Thousandth Man will stand your friend
With the whole round world agin you.

'Tis neither promise nor prayer nor show
Will settle the finding for 'ee.
Nine hundred and ninety-nine of 'em go
By your looks, or your acts, or your glory.

But if he finds you and you find him,
The rest of the world don't matter;
For the Thousandth Man will sink or swim
With you in any water.

You can use his purse with no more talk
Than he uses yours for his spendings,
And laugh and meet in your daily walk
As though there had been no lendings.

Nine hundred and ninety-nine of 'em call
For silver and gold in their dealings;
But the Thousandth Man he's worth 'em all
Because you can show him your feelings.

His wrong's your wrong, and his right's your right,
In season or out of season.
Stand up and back it in all men's sight
With that for your only reason!

Nine hundred and ninety-nine can't bide
The shame or mocking or laughter,
But the Thousandth Man will stand by your side
To the gallows-foot - and after!

Just so that I'm not misunderstood, let me emphasize that I care about all my friends, of whatever degree. But there's only one ... and I think you know who you are ... that I would ask to help me hide a body.

And the thought that I have even one friend that close is a very comforting thought.

Have a good day. More thoughts tomorrow.

Bilbo

Thanksgiving, 2011 - Part 2

If you've read any of my previous Thanksgiving Day blog posts, you already know that this is my favorite holiday of the year. It's the time when we gather with family and friends, eat too much, drink too much, and generally celebrate the good things in life. It's the time I get to prepare the traditional Thanksgiving dinner (and be thankful that I don't have to rely on Congress to do it for me) ...

In the mad rush of everyday life, at a time when the Capitol Hill Clown Show and the miserable state of the economy make each day a new struggle of worry and head-shaking, it's sometimes difficult to remember that we really do have things for which we can be thankful. This is what I wrote at this time last year:

A beautiful wife that makes getting up every morning worthwhile;

Three loving and successful children who have made their own marks on the world;

Five adorable, intelligent, and loving grandchildren that can warm the most jaded heart;

The world's best son-in-law and daughter-in-law;

A job (still!);

A home;

Good health (well, most of the time, anyhow);

The good fortune to be able to live in a country which, for all its faults, gives me the opportunity to enjoy all of them;

The ability to write what I wish in this space without worrying about the heavy hand of the censor;

The ability to enjoy the good things of the world that would be denied by those whose harsh and intolerant worship of a jealous and angry God ignores the beauty and possibilities of the present in favor of a belief in an imagined paradise in an unknowable future.

Yes, in spite of the best efforts of Congress, the financial mismanagement industry, and legions of political, social, and religious ass clowns to screw it up, I still have many things to be thankful for on this Thanksgiving Day. And as I get ready to finish cleaning the house and cooking the dinner for our friends who will join us later in the day, it's only right to take a few minutes to acknowledge that I am, as ever, most richly blessed.

To all of my friends out there in the blogosphere, new and old, here and overseas, I send out the very best wishes for a happy Thanksgiving and a safe and joyful holiday season to come.

Don't let the turkeys get you down.

Have a good day. More thoughts tomorrow.

Bilbo

Cartoon Saturday

A massive earthquake has shaken Chile; 26 people have been killed and at least 41 injured in a stampede at a mosque in Timbuktu; Kentucky Senator Jim Bunning has vetoed an extension of unemployment benefits for millions of unemployed Americans because Congress has not specified a way to pay for it; in order to save money, the city of Colorado Springs has removed trash cans from public areas and turned off a third of its streetlights; and the data from a large national U.S. sample indicates that, on average, people who self-identified as liberal and atheist have higher IQs.

Aren't you glad Cartoon Saturday is here to help you cope?

I've spent a lot of time on hold this week, listening to recordings that tell me how important my call is in spite of not answering it. I've finally found the explanation...

Haven't you wondered from time to time about where some things originally came from? I like this one...

In the wake of the so-called Health Care Reform Summit (which appears to have accomplished nothing except contribute excess hot air to the global warming problem), health care continues to cost Real People a staggering amount - 17.3% of gross domestic product, according to figures compiled by the Department of Health and Human Services. All of which leads us to a few new cartoons about the economy, which is otherwise the least funny of topics nowadays. This one is good for those of you who like your data presented graphically (with apologies to Dr Tufte)...

Isn't it awful when pesky facts get in the way of a good theory...?

The domino theory doesn't just apply in geopolitical arguments, either...

And finally, from the Department of Just Plain Silly, But Obvious...

Agnes is on her way back from Germany, and will be home this evening, bringing my universe back into balance. It's about time.

Have a good weekend. More thoughts tomorrow.

Bilbo

P.S. ...

I need to put aside the fun of Cartoon Saturday for a moment to say goodbye to a good friend. Those of you who are regular readers of this blog will remember my old high-school friend Debbie, who has been a frequent commenter here and who has provided me with the material for many posts. Debbie passed away last night after years of bravely fighting an array of health problems.

We knew each other only in passing in high school, although at one point I had a fearsome crush on her. We reconnected last year through Facebook as she rallied the class of 1969 for our 40th reunion, and we quickly became fast friends. Although we were political polar opposites, she was always able to push my buttons gently without the partisan rancor that is so common nowadays. Her sense of humor and infectious, happy smile were a delight to all of us, and she will be sorely missed.

Good bye, Beautiful Lady. Someday, in a better place, we'll dance the tango we didn't get at the reunion.

B.

Post-Birthday Reflections

Yesterday, I turned 58 (and yes, Mike, I changed the age in the "about me" section of the blog AND on my Facebook page). There was a time I thought nothing, including the universe, was that old. Now, of course, it looks like a very respectable and not-too-creaky age, at least after I've completely woken up in the morning.

It was a good birthday. Agnes made my favorite dinner of Corned Beef and Cabbage (not the boiled-to-death American version, but the one I like, with the beef baked in the oven and Bavarian-style cabbage. My Ohio-based grandchildren called and sang "Happy Birthday," loudly punctuated with "cha-cha-cha!!" at the end of each verse. Local granddaughter Leya shouted "appy birseday OPA!!!" and very carefully inspected my face to make sure my boo-boo had healed up satisfactorily. It was a good day.

Someone once said that age is a function of mind over matter...that if you don't mind, it doesn't matter. I guess that's mostly true, although it's getting difficult not to mind some of the aching joints and senior moments and such. Nevertheless, I guess I'll try to hold to Jimmy Buffett's philosophy of growing older, but not up. And as George Burns said, "You can't help getting older, but you don't have to get old."

Thanks to all of my friends out there in the Blogosphere who sent birthday wishes via comments here or on Facebook. Knowing you, even if it's only electron-deep, has made the last few years more interesting and educational. Perhaps I can actually meet a few more of you in the coming year ... John may make it to DC to watch the Nationals lose (it's a DC tradition, which the Redskins are embracing this year, too), Mike may build a house here (hopefully without falling off), Fiona may enter the Washington International Horse Show, Amanda might make it to the East Coast on her next trip to the US (although with two children soon, it would be quite an adventure), and Andrea might make it to a concert in the area (or we'll drive past her house on the way to Pittsburgh and stop for a picture). And who knows ... Gilahi and I may even have a beer together. Stranger things have happened.

So happy birthday to me - my family and friends, real and virtual, are the best gifts I could have.

Have a good day. More thoughts tomorrow.

Bilbo