In the year+ since my last surgery (with another looming soon…) I’ve finally had a chance to spend some quality time recovering from the wild ride of 2019-23 and then the various surgeries and to reflect on life and transformation etc.
On some level I’ve been aware of handling the world with more equanimity for some time now — helped by the comments of many friends about “the grace” with which I handled caretaking for my mother, her death and the sudden need to move. But various events recently have helped me see after decades of practices, emotional release work, contemplation, etc. I have finally moved noticeably along the goal of being able to hold equilibrium in the moment at least more of the time than not.
Those of you who’ve known me 50 or 60 years or more know I spent my first 30+ years in perpetual angst, always uptight, struggling to make decisions, etc. Those traits have fallen away extremely slowly since I began the spiritual journey in 1985. In fact, if anyone had told me at the beginning how long it might take to really shift into a new way of being, I’m not sure I’d have even started down the path. The blessing has been a combo of always having enough small improvements I could note and also having friends talk about how much transformation they could see.
The deep, deep work of the Fisher-Hoffman process as facilitated by the late Ellen Margron (quite different from the experience you get at the F-H Institute) created some of the biggest inroads and left me generally always in a calmer space than the high anxiety that characterized me for so long but it wasn’t until I hit this last unbelievably tough batch of years I could watch myself calmly handling events which once would have left me borderline hysterical.
In the aftermath of my mother’s death and her reverse mortgage giving me a short time frame to get out of the house – leading to the unexpected move to the condo I’d inherited from my dad here in FL – I think I was some combo of calm from years of spiritual practice and too gobsmacked by the enormity of what I had to do to have an emotional reaction.
Gay’s death – soon followed by David’s – not long after I moved landed me in a space where I suspect I was more numb than existing in peaceful equilibrium but I could also feel the benefits from long since having learned to take a breath and recalibrate.
Several recent events have found me stepping back and observing myself just not reacting to a variety of things that once would have had me amped to the max. Sometime even noticing things I’d have been irritated to observe not so long ago and just smiling at whatever was unfolding and recognizing “it’s what is” for this person, those people, etc. And it doesn’t have to be what is for me or even create a reaction in me, I can observe and let it go.
In all these years I’ve seen a lot of people start the path. Some grow impatient when it doesn’t transform their lives quickly enough and they quit. Some people achieve enough of a new life to stop the journey there without caring if there could be more progress. But for those who patiently keep moving along the path, it slowly creates shifts. As noted, I really had to mark each small note of progress to keep myself moving along.
For those of us who choose to walk a spiritual path while also living out in the world (instead of heading to an ashram, etc.), coping with jobs, politics, homes to care for, etc., it can be quite a slow journey, sometimes with steps backward before moving ahead again. Right now I’m looking at the many lovely stages of this journey and feeling SO grateful to have kept taking another step and another to arrive at this place — which I know will change yet again.













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