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Invisible goalposts, and undeniable milestones

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“Don’t be a show off.”

“It’s not that big of a deal.”

“Pride goeth before a fall.”

All my life, there’s been someone there, telling me not to “blow my own horn,” so to speak.

Belittling achievements I’ve earned.

Telling me that, even if I did make something, it was due to someone, or something else, never my accomplishment.

My brother did this to me a lot.

My parents, while I do love them, were always of the “humble is better” mindset, & my accomplishments were met with a pat on the head, & a “put that ribbon, trophy, medal, certificate away now, you don’t want to look like you’re bragging.

Even to this day, whenever I actually hit a milestone achievement,  I second guess telling anyone about it.

Because there are still people in my life who put down things I think of as my “laudable moments”.

And, it hurts.

I’d like to feel the spotlight a little too.

I always cheer for every one of my loved ones when they hit those milestones of their own, because I wish someone would cheer for mine.

I have someone in my life now, that does cheer for me, & tells me that I deserve to celebrate them, because he’s had the same things happen to him, with missing those milestone moments.

And I love him for that reason, among many others.

I’m allowed to be proud .

I’m entitled to some pride in reaching goalposts.

And, I’ll be damned if I let any more be squashed, because they don’t meet some invisible standard laid out by someone else.

Stop setting invisible goalposts all over my playing field, because I’ll start hauling out all the old achievements, trophies, medals, certificates,  & proofs of my BRAGGING RIGHTS RECEIPTS, & I’ll make a real spectacle of myself to prove you wrong.

Q

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I’m in love.

It happened so quickly, so fiercely, it raced through me as though a wildfire had been set ablaze in my head, in my heart.

And the most startling part to me – I didn’t think it would ever happen.

Over the last few years, I’d become used to my solitude, accustomed to my “singleness”.

After everything, I had resigned myself to the idea of living the rest of my life alone.

And, frankly,  I was ready to go, if my time came soon.

Not suicidal, never that, but – at peace with my mortality, and my dying alone, never feeling another’s touch on my heart again.

Don’t pity me.

I didn’t. 

That’s the point.

I wasn’t sad, or happy, about it. It just – was.

But now – oh gods, now.

Now, there’s him.

Lightning struck.

And, it all happened because of a game.

And, I laugh.

I giggle.

And my heart is full, to overflowing.

He’s  smart, and fucking hilarious, and sweet, and kind, and romantic, and has a similar sense of irreverence, of dark humor, that is borne from past tragedies, as I do.

We say that we’re taking it slow.

We’re both liars and truthful.

Because, while we’ve both admitted we love each other, and want to be together, there are extenuating circumstances that must be resolved before we can geographically meet.

Nothing questionable or bad, just time-consuming & patience-testing.

So, we wait, we work toward the goal of being in the same physical space at the same time, and, in the meantime…

We love.

And I’ve never been happier.

I love you, Q.

Grace

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I’ve been struggling with managing, juggling, and fulfilling other people’s expectations of my time, lately.

I used to game with just my best friend- he’d play his game, I’d play mine, & we communicated thru the phone, no headsets for us then. It was fine, for years.

Then, we started playing MMOs, and my friend list, well, kind of exploded. I have some really dear friends that I’ve met gaming, & a couple, I even consider Chosen Family now.

I even met someone online, that I’ve just started a romantic relationship with. *cue insane blush & grin*

Problem is – me. I have a pattern of being the trustworthy, safe space friend, that a lot of them come to with their troubles. I’m older than most of them, so I get tagged as the “older sister, feral aunt, gnarly gamer grandma”, & because I spend most evenings online, as my relaxation, I’m there, and get pulled in multiple directions.

Now, while I DO love my friends… And I understand that they have troubles –

So. Do. I.

There’s a LOT going on in my real life, outside of gaming, that’s got me stressed, and I have to prioritize some of that over all else.

Hey, the job pays the bills that allow me to get online in the first place.

So, I give grace, when someone’s having a bad day, and snipes about me running off to hang out with my new relationship partner.

I give grace when someone has a mental illness that causes them to be a little ornery in chat.

I give grace, when someone takes medication that makes them say things in chat that they probably wouldn’t say, if not impaired…

But – where’s my grace?

When I’ve told them that I’m in burnout?

When I’ve told them I need some quiet?

Or that I want to solo chat with my new love, because it’s a brand new, fragile because it’s an infant, relationship?

I need some fucking grace.

Or I’ll bounce.

And that’ll hurt a lot more feelings than they think.

I can’t be everyone’s anchor,

Or I’ll drown.

I’ve got your 6.

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I grew up never having anyone back me up. I stood on my own – a lot.

My parents raised me to believe that my worth was dependent on what I could sacrifice of myself for the benefit of others, and that “keeping the peace” meant being quiet about disrespect, disregard & abuse.

“Turn the other cheek – think about how the other person feels”

I heard that shit all the time.

Through the years, & dismantling a LOT of my own psyche…

I started breaking generational abuse chains.

I decided a long time ago, that I had to be the person I wanted backing me up.

For those I’ve given birth to, & the Family I’ve Chosen for my own circle – I will ALWAYS have your 6. I will defend those I love, with my words & actions.

I will defend, advocate, & back up my loved ones – with my teeth – if necessary.

A little while back, I had an incident happen in party chat while gaming.

(I’m not going to get into that, because the offending person has been INFJ door-slammed out of my life, so is no longer relevant)

However, one of my friends that I’d taken into my Chosen Family Circle did eventually talk to them, & when they made rude, disparaging remarks about me – this “friend” was – silent.

They told me this themselves, that they didn’t back me up.

Ok.

What hurts, is that this friend was someone I’d absolutely defended & backed up, to multiple people – but they chose not to return the consideration.

Ok.

I now know where I stand, & will act accordingly.

I made the choice, that this friend I will neither defend, nor defame. They will receive the level of attention & consideration they give.

I don’t know how to handle the rest.

Cause it still hurts.

And, I’ve learned this about myself in the past – that if I don’t pause, isolate, & contemplate…

I will absolutely say & do things I’ll regret later.

Because there was a looooong stretch of my life where I was a rage-filled, vindictive bitch.

She still lives inside my soul, under a restrictively short leash.

So, When I go silent…

It’s for the safety of others, not myself.

You’re welcome.

Old Habits, Old Me

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Early Warning- I’ve been up for almost 36 hours, & my phone doesn’t want to autocorrect my fumble fingers oopses for some unknown fucking reason so please excuse any mistakes.

I’m blaming it on the mental & emotional wall I smashed into on the way here.ugh.

I’ve been writing in this blog for over 14 years. 

Christonacracker that’s a long time.

I staryed this as a way to “scream into the darkness” as I called it; while remaining fairly anonymous. I used a psuedonym

(Had to pause… PSEUDONYM) fuck spelling tonight ya get what ya get – if you’re here & still reading, good fucking luck.  The swear filter tore.

I’ve taken breaks, due tobone thing or another & haven’t written in what seems ages.

Well I’ve never forgotten life just has a way of throwing side quests at me that bevome dlcs, then BANG – it’s a completely different game.

(Yes, gamer slang… It consumes a good portion of my time at night, because rhat’s where my friends & most of my Chosen Family live)

But, I’ve been feeling verbose, lately, so you might be seeing more of me again.

I’ve got an idea.

Dangerous I know.

Get out the fire extinguishers, cause I think the dictionary’s smokin upstairs.

Damn, I’m tired, & this is a lot of words saying not much.

#sorrynotsorry

Anywhoozit…

Fiction – coming soon.

Brain Bombed

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Just got home after almost 3 & 1/2 hours in a dentist’s chair.

My vertigo has me spinning like a gyroscope, from all the “lay back, sit up” bullshit. And I’m completely overstimulated from having all the various tools & people’s hands in my facehole for that long.

My ElderDaughter & I call it being “blown out”, like looking at a computer screen after a cpu fries from visual overload; everything explodes, then there’s a snowy white screen, with brown noise & a high-pitched whine coming from somewhere that you can neither identify, nor shut off.

I desperately need to do a hard reset of my cerebellum.

So, for me, that meant blasting loud music, with lots of bass on the way home, then some silence with acoustic oscillating fan noises in my rv.

Next up, I’m fucking starving, because I haven’t eaten yet today, cause – dentist. So, I have to figure out what I can eat with half my face not registering as functional.

I’d take a nap, but that would completely demolish the rest of my day. Naps don’t work for me like other folx. I end up cranky, hangry, & a lot of times, with a migraine.

So, let’s try to fix the rest of this fuck-all day with some Italian Wedding soup, a handful of crackers crushed in there, & a BIG serving of caffeinated energy drink.

Phockinell, I hate dental days.

Memory, Now, & Dreams

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Had a talk with a friend, today, and it got me to pondering.

We, as human beings, are all a concantenation of our experiences, thoughts, & feelings.

Life is short, & finite, and while beliefs & faith may tell you what happens after you shuffle off the mortal coil, none of us will really know until it happens to us.

But what do we really have?

Yesterday, doesn’t exist, except in memory. Tangibles, like pictures & keepsakes, are really just bookmarks, or checkpoints, where they trigger those memories of yesterday for us.

Tomorrow, also doesn’t exist, except as hopes and dreams. We dream of things we want, we hope for good things, but it isn’t here yet, so we don’t know that they’ll happen. Tomorrow doesn’t come with a guarantee, it’s not a major appliance. As the old cliche’ reads “Hope in one hand, shit in the other, see which fills up faster.”

All we really, truly have… Is Now.

Now, this day, this moment.

So, what are you going to do with it?

I know that I’m past the midpoint of my story, and am sliding into the epilogue.

I, am going to love as hard as I can, tell those I love, that I love them. Bring as much joy & laughter to as many people as I can, and cheer others on to winning as I am able, with the time I have left.

It might sound morbid, but that’s what happens when you hit the backside of life.

Ya gotta think about

“What am I leaving behind me when I go?”

I want to leave love, and laughter, and fond memories. Maybe some wisdom in the hands of those who can put it to good use.

What I don’t want to leave behind, are regrets, or unanswered questions.

I hope that the world will be a better place where I stood, but I won’t know, once I’ve left.

So, what are you leaving in your wake?

Book of Shadows

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I’ve been away…

Changes happen, that’s life, & I’ve been caught up hard in the shadows and light of it all.

Sometimes, I dance under the canopy above, letting the warm sunlight dapple over me. Moments of radiant happiness guiding me forward through the forest of my existence.

Sometimes, I dart from shadow to shadow, fearing the piercing burn of harsh reality. Disappearing into silence and invisibility as the trail of trauma behind me consumes hope.

Shadow work is not for the faint of heart.

Nor is it for those who will not allow themselves to admit shortcomings, and lack the strength to get dirty while cleaning up their own messes.

So many changes.

It’s hard to recap everything that’s occurred, while keeping the timeline & my part in it honest.

If you want the /tldr version:

I moved. I’m living in an RV I bought in Washington, then moved South, way South.

I am content, and at times, even happy.

I am no longer on anxiety meds.

I have healed some things.

While acknowledging that others will require further work.

And, even still, that there are some things that will likely never be healed, because there will never be resolution from the other involved parties.

I have changed, fundamentally, from who I was, just a scant few years ago.

And that’s ok.

My Book of Shadows still has some clean leaves to write my story on.

Soft Reset

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Ever since my cross-country move from Washington to Georgia, I’ve been living in a sort of time limbo.

I am fairly quiet these days. I work remotely for the same company I worked at in ND, which is wonderful. I truly love what I do, and the company’s flexibility has worked in my favor to allow me the privilege of doing what I love, while living where I’m happy.

I’m just minutes away from BelovedNephew, now, and we get to see each other pretty much whenever we want, barring work.

I’ve been here now, for a little over 2 months, and yet…

Every once in a while, I stop, and realize that I am actually doing this.

Soft reset of the brain and emotions.

I’m actually fulfilling a dream I’ve had for years by moving cross-country – and twice, at that!

It’s only a little over over a week shy of the 1 year anniversary of my first move from North Dakota to Washington.

I’m really here. I’ve really done it.

And, my 2nd move from WA to GA I drove a 36-foot RV with only 2 cats for company!

My copilot, Sally; and the backseat driver, Cinders.

When I have these moments, I’m overcome with almost all the emotions; awe, fear, happiness, sadness, excitement, & dread.

It’s a lot, & there are times I have to pull back into myself to try to process the rush.

Soft reset.

Nothing jarring, no explosion of temper or giddiness. Just a quiet withdrawal, a period of isolation, until I can stick my chin out again & move forward once more.

Today, I’m sitting in an airport, headed North for the weekend. (I’ll write a separate post for that after my return home, it needs its own space)

I had my soft reset moment, staring out the window of the terminal.

I can’t have my physical withdrawal right now, in all the public.

But, I can withdraw behind my mask, and drop into my Kindle, mentally.

It’s gonna be a loooong day of flights, airports, walking, & sitting uncomfortably.

But, I’ll get through it.

Look how far I’ve already come to realize my dreams!

Jekyll Island, GA. (Mini vacay excursion with BelovedNephew a couple weeks ago)

The Other Side of Fear

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In November 2021, I sold my house and moved.

Now, that’s a very generic statement, for the extremely complicated and intricate dance of events that took place.

I’d been wanting to move for years.

Living where I was, in North Dakota, had so many painful memories and so little joy left for me. Yes, I have many good memories there as well, and I treasure those; but you can’t live in memories.

I struggled everyday to find a reason to get up, to go forward, and couldn’t find enough reasons to stay.

So – I made a lot of choices that ended up with me moving to Washington, to be closer to my ElderDaughter & my grandbabies.

And, my life has changed so much, that I’m still amazed on the daily that I actually live here now!

Pre move-in

I bought myself a used RV, & hooked it up in my ElderDaughter’s backyard.

It’s perfect for me & Sal.

Front window wins!

It’s big enough for the 2 of us, without being too much for me to handle.

And, I haven’t been this at ease in a long time, if ever.

My anxiety has dropped to the point where I’ve been able to lower my meds in half.

I’m finding myself having moments of pure contentment and joy out of the blue. It’s been years since my depression has been this minimal.

I’m finding a new balance, here.

Everything you’ve ever wanted, is on the other side of fear ~ George Addair