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Q

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I’m in love.

It happened so quickly, so fiercely, it raced through me as though a wildfire had been set ablaze in my head, in my heart.

And the most startling part to me – I didn’t think it would ever happen.

Over the last few years, I’d become used to my solitude, accustomed to my “singleness”.

After everything, I had resigned myself to the idea of living the rest of my life alone.

And, frankly,  I was ready to go, if my time came soon.

Not suicidal, never that, but – at peace with my mortality, and my dying alone, never feeling another’s touch on my heart again.

Don’t pity me.

I didn’t. 

That’s the point.

I wasn’t sad, or happy, about it. It just – was.

But now – oh gods, now.

Now, there’s him.

Lightning struck.

And, it all happened because of a game.

And, I laugh.

I giggle.

And my heart is full, to overflowing.

He’s  smart, and fucking hilarious, and sweet, and kind, and romantic, and has a similar sense of irreverence, of dark humor, that is borne from past tragedies, as I do.

We say that we’re taking it slow.

We’re both liars and truthful.

Because, while we’ve both admitted we love each other, and want to be together, there are extenuating circumstances that must be resolved before we can geographically meet.

Nothing questionable or bad, just time-consuming & patience-testing.

So, we wait, we work toward the goal of being in the same physical space at the same time, and, in the meantime…

We love.

And I’ve never been happier.

I love you, Q.

Grace

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I’ve been struggling with managing, juggling, and fulfilling other people’s expectations of my time, lately.

I used to game with just my best friend- he’d play his game, I’d play mine, & we communicated thru the phone, no headsets for us then. It was fine, for years.

Then, we started playing MMOs, and my friend list, well, kind of exploded. I have some really dear friends that I’ve met gaming, & a couple, I even consider Chosen Family now.

I even met someone online, that I’ve just started a romantic relationship with. *cue insane blush & grin*

Problem is – me. I have a pattern of being the trustworthy, safe space friend, that a lot of them come to with their troubles. I’m older than most of them, so I get tagged as the “older sister, feral aunt, gnarly gamer grandma”, & because I spend most evenings online, as my relaxation, I’m there, and get pulled in multiple directions.

Now, while I DO love my friends… And I understand that they have troubles –

So. Do. I.

There’s a LOT going on in my real life, outside of gaming, that’s got me stressed, and I have to prioritize some of that over all else.

Hey, the job pays the bills that allow me to get online in the first place.

So, I give grace, when someone’s having a bad day, and snipes about me running off to hang out with my new relationship partner.

I give grace when someone has a mental illness that causes them to be a little ornery in chat.

I give grace, when someone takes medication that makes them say things in chat that they probably wouldn’t say, if not impaired…

But – where’s my grace?

When I’ve told them that I’m in burnout?

When I’ve told them I need some quiet?

Or that I want to solo chat with my new love, because it’s a brand new, fragile because it’s an infant, relationship?

I need some fucking grace.

Or I’ll bounce.

And that’ll hurt a lot more feelings than they think.

I can’t be everyone’s anchor,

Or I’ll drown.

GamerNerdgirl

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So, I’m an admitted nerdgirl.

I love learning new things, love researching things I’m interested in, and weird facts stick to the inside of my brain like Velcro.

But, I’m also a gamergirl.

I used to play games a lot when I was little. Pong, we had it. And an Atari, with about 30 cartridges. My parents got rid of it when we moved from IA, to ND, & I didn’t play anything for a long while. Fast forward, & I started playing games again when my ex-husband introduced me to them in 1997, when we were dating.

And my love for RPG (role-playing games) was cemented then.

I think it truly stems from my love of books, as I see games as a way to actually participate in the stories.

And, I get to kill shit.

Best stress-relief ever.

For the last few months, though, I haven’t been playing any of the games I have. I think my depression was weighing down on so much in my life, it just kind of took over everything I enjoyed & wrenched it from me.

Now, however, I’ve started to get some of my spark back.

It’s slow-going, because this bout of depression was – really bad. And I know it’s going to take a while to come all the way back from that.

But, I’m starting to get my games back.

Fallout 3, 4, & New Vegas, are some of the ones I enjoy in the apocalyptic genre. The storylines are really good, and they’re “open-world” games, which means I can go where I want in the map, & don’t have to follow a set agenda.

When I’m seriously in the mood for taking out bad guys, these are my go-to, as there’s a whole lot of baddies to get in them. It’s pretty much the core of the plotlines for these games, so they’re perfect for that.

If I’m looking more for “story”, or leaning more towards wanting the fantasy worlds, I load up Elder Scrolls Oblivion (I’ve played this game SOOO many times, all the way through, I could probably be a tutor for noobs.

If I’m looking to go “old school”, I fire up Final FantasyX & X2. Classics, and, in my opinion, 2 of the best put out in the Final Fantasy series.

I have a couple of other games in my cabinet that I love, but don’t play often anymore, mostly because I have beaten them, & they’re such long-playing games, I just don’t feel as passionate about them as the others.

Now, you gamers out there will notice that all of these are “single player” games.

Yep. I don’t play well with others & run with scissors when I’m gaming.

*sigh* I have control issues, alright? I don’t respond well to getting ordered about while I’m trying to play a game.

So, I’ve mostly stayed away from MMORPGs. (Massively Multiplayer Online Role Playing Games)

I tried, when Elder Scrolls came out with their MMORPG.

*sigh* I just couldn’t take it.

Too many people running around, no one I trusted to play with – it irritated me enough to make me stop playing.

But…

And this is a BIG hesitation,

I’m trying again.

This time on my phone.

I found a game that’s got such gorgeous graphics, & the story seems engaging enough. The fighting style will take me a bit to learn, as it requires both thumbs on my touch screen, so that’s awkward. I have to watch where I’m touching, because there are no physical buttons.

Gah, I wish they’d just put this on a console.

ANYWHO –

The name of the game is Perfect World.

It first came out as a PC game, I guess? But, since I don’t PC, that don’t fly for me. So here it is.

I’ll give this the benefit of the doubt, and try it for a while.

I’ve been looking for a new RPG to play, and this might fill that role.

I only play it at home, since it would suck data like a desert cactus in a rain storm.

So, maybe if I take it slow, give it time to settle…

We’ll see.

I’m just glad I’m starting to get my GamerNerdgirl back on.

I missed this chick.