Hi everybody,
for several reasons that might be too long to to explain right now, I have not posted for a very long time, but today, I thought I would make the effort to reconnect with the blogging community, just so my previous progress won’ t have been a total waste of time!
First, let me tell you, nothing major seems to have occurred in my life during my absence, and it feels pretty oppressive.
Have you ever seen “groundhog day” ? Where the character wakes up on the same day every day? …..well, that’ how it is for me at the moment:
Wake up every day in a flat where most appliances have been made unusable as a result of my hoarding habit, spend the first few hours of the day searching the Internet for some “inspirational stuff” then get sucked into social media, iTunes, or garage band. Then I resolve to pull myself together and get bathed and dressed, doing so takes another few hours, it is extremely time consuming trying to find something clean to wear among the debris that cover the whole floor in every room( nearly knee high now). Nearly on a daily basis, in a bit to appear well put together just in case I make it outside, I obsessively watch make up tutorials on You Tube,mostly conducted by pretty young women, therefore, making me feel totally inadequate when the result is not looking so hot on fourty something me. …. Then, there is the gathering of essentials I might need to go out: I feel the compulsion to put stuff into my handbag that could prove useful in some situations, some props to fill the loneliness if I make it to the library or a cafe, the iPad, of course, and perhaps a knitting project( that will never get finished) , a pen, a notebook for making pointless lists that I will never read again, a measuring tape, a pare charger just in case… On average, it takes me over an hour, bringing stuff into my bag, searching frantically for the said items, as if I was going on a long journey, when in fact , I only intend to go to coffee, shop, the library, or the supermarket.
Once satisfied that I would be ready, should I need to go out, I often realise that it took me so long getting stuff together , that all the shops will be closed anyway, so I wonder if there is any point in going out at all, I know I should, for my own sanity, but some thing is holding back, so I put my coat on, grab my overloaded handbag, and hover near the front door for a minute or so, before proceeding to check that everything has been safely unplugged, that no tap is running, then, check my bag again for essentials.
More often than not, I don’ t make it outside, I sit there, in the kitchen, chain smoking, still in my coat, for about twenty minutes, and that is normally at this time that the urge to play video games becomes stronger, and, most of the time, I give in, and once I start playing, all bells breaks lose, I know I won’ t even make the effort to feed myself properly, a handful of stale crackers will do, just to stop any hunger pangs, and I will tirelessly build houses and empires until, I’m shivering cold due to the lack of any physical activity. After an extensive gaming session like this, I normally feel mentally drained, physically malnourished and neglected, and will end up going to bed still fully clothed, as I know I will be unable to find any clean nightwear, I will curl up in a ball under the greyish stained duvet, my head still buzzing from digital overload, telling myself that ” tomorrow is another day”‘ and indeed it will be, another day…
another day more or less exactly the same… And I wonder…. Am I trapped in some kind of time loop?
Am I slowly descending onto madness?
Notes on a Bohemian tragedy 