Notes on a Bohemian tragedy

Hi everybody!

I survived my 7 night shifts and came back home exhausted. After each set of night, resolve to get over the initial jet lag as quickly as possible and carry on with my life as efficiently as possible, but thing never go according to plan ,do they?

Yes, 7 twelve hour shifts of intense physical and mental work, under a lot of pressure is far from being a walk in the park, however, I can not help but feeling guilty about the tiredness that overcomes me at the end of the week.I did this job for 15 years now, and, when I was younger, I used to bounce back a lot faster. These were the times before I became a hoarder, before I was diagnosed with depression.

the old “chicken and the egg” metaphors has never been so appropriate : do I feel like shit because my job is so demanding, or do I find my job so  hard because I feel like crap as a result of my lifestyle?

Either way, I can not seem to break the viscous circle of coming home from work physically and mentally battered, and therefore retreat indoors  with no energy to spare for the basic activities that would make me a decent , normally functioning human being. So I wallow in my exhaustion and self pity, I stop answering the phone, I stop opening the mail, I let the laundry  pile up on the floor, the dishes rot in the sink, and, rather than getting on with what I should be doing, I escape into a fantasy world, a digital universe where I have control over  and total power over fictional characters  that I created to resemble everything I always wanted to be. And I tell myself that it’s ok ,it’s only a creative hobby like any other, when deep down , I know it ‘s not. I have sometimes spent 12 hours playing, hardly taking time to eat or drink, I had sore eyes, aching limbs, I felt weak and dehydrated, and most of all  I was disgusted with myself, ashamed of having sunk so low and become such a pathetic   Creature. I often stumbled to bed still fully clothed, dazed and confused from staring too long at the screen, bouncing of the walls because there is no other way to walk among the clutter that almost takes the whole floor. I ‘be closed eyes after extensive gaming sessions, only to find screenshots still imprinted in my brain, I have woken up,the next day unable to figure out the time of the day, sometimes unsure of which day it was .

Yesterday was no exception, although I managed to go out and buy a few groceries and did not log on until the evening, I did spend far more time playing than I initially intended to, and went to bed a one o ‘clock in the morning.

As a result, I felt rather heavy headed this morning, needless to say, it dit not look like it was going to be the most productive day ever!
It was dim and rainy outside,which only added to the urge I felt to press the button and hear the familiar chime as the laptop comes to life, and pick up where I stopped last night, take my character to the next level, build a bit more towards my empire…one level up, just complete one quest, up to the next level, then I would stop, really, seriously, this time I would! The same goes for the alcoholic who resolves to have one drink, just one and … We all heard the stories.
I sat in bed, nursing a cup of coffee, trying to talk myself out of it, then made another coffee and returned to my position, sitting in bed under the duvet, knees drawn up, drink within arm’s reach, poring over the Facebook statuses of those of my acquaintances who appear to have it all figured out: the pretty one, the talented one, the super mum, the girl about town all eager to show the world their latest achievements.

Achievement,that was the key word, the trigger that made me switch on the computer,I was craving a sense of achievement, and the quickest way towards it was though a game, and as soon as it ended, I was up for another one, ironically, the character I had selected was slow and not performing very well,this made the gaming session tedious, slow, and unsatisfying , it took all my willpower and my best gaming skills to complete two levels. It also took all day, and when I eventually logged off, as expected, I was appalled with myself, shocked by how easily it is to waste a perfectly good day off.
I looked through the window, still daylight, still some life in that near finished Sunday, so I had quickly freshened up , grabbed the fist pair of clean jeans, trainers and tee shirt I could find , and decided to set off.
The main reason behind that hasty exit was food: because of my clutter habit, at the moment, I am not keen on cooking at home( basically, too much chaos in the kitchen ). I was not feeling particularly hungry, but my instinct kicked in, since I had not eaten since yesterday afternoon, I was likely to feel depressed and lethargic later on, so off I went.
The streets were weary quiet, no surprise there, I had not looked at the time, but it was already getting darker, so my guess was that it might be late evening already. The supermarket was closed, so were Mc Donald ‘s and KFC , I eventually looked at the time on my phone, quarter to ten, not even time for a quick drink in the pub, not that I would have anyway, considering I had no make up on!
I walked round the block, just for the sake of it, then headed to teach express , where I bought a pasta salad and a bottle of soft mango flavoured soft drink. By that time, I had resolved to have a mini late night picnic on a bench by the sea. The seafront was deserted, apart from two youngsters practicing skateboard, one of them was listening t music, and I could distinctively hear it through his headphones, or mini speakers, it stuck me as something rather eerie and arty, not the type a teen would listen to. I watched then glide by, and felt so envious of their youth, their energy, their enthusiasm for life, there was a time when youth and creativity were on my side and now, here I was , eating on bench because my kitchen is so messy, and seating space difficult to come by, I looked at the contents of my carrier bag and drew my cardigan closer, then decided to return home to eat, as I was tarting to really feel the chill of the night.

Admittedly, my little night time excursion, was nothing but a very mundane trip to the corner shop, but it made me feel empowered all the same, if must have been the oxygen and fresh air.
On my way back home, I noticed a homeless man sitting on the pavement, just a few doors away from my building, and I was still reflecting on how lucky I was to have a home to go to when I got in my flat a few minutes later.
I ate my food while listening to the radio on my headphones and felt glad I ‘d gone out, as usual in those circumstances I resolved to try and lead a better life in the future.
However, as the fresh air induced euphoria wore off, the urge to play one game, just one game, reoccurred with a vengeance, and I am currently resisting urge as I write those words.

I hope to be able to fight the urge, or at least, if I give in, I hope to be able to limit the damage and stick to about thirty to forty five minutes of game play.

Goodnight all!