Leaving Therapy
Would this be a tough decision? Have you prepared yourself?
Note: Your therapist (psychotherapist, psychologist, social worker, counselor) is an educated professional whose job it is to discuss your life’s issues. She/he is not your friend.
Presently, I’ve reached the point where monthly therapy is not required anymore. I had been in therapy for over 20 years, seen several therapists, and about 9 years with my last one, who had been an experienced trauma therapist.
This psychologist helped me most during my journey to overcome PTSD (post-traumatic stress disorder) and emotional abuse from my Narcissistic mother. Tackling the secrets and hurts that I’ve been holding onto for so many years needed to be heard, believed, and validated with reassurance from her.
How grueling therapy is in the first place, and yet to be so secure with a stranger, to trust and disclose your most private inner thoughts, secrets, feelings, and emotions; a person who listened to you when no one else does or ever did, never criticized, nor judged, and was absorbed in what you had to say. It’s a reassuring relationship.
Many people with mental illness, for my depression and PTSD, seldom had encouragement or validation throughout the years, believing they or their lives weren’t important enough to be heard.
Now this person is looking at ME, asking ME how I’m feeling, and listening to my response. She believes in my trauma, how tough it’s been throughout my life, and most of all validating my emotions.
Some would argue we pay for this service. Yes, we do. However, to overcome problems with relationships, perhaps your job and improve mental health, we must seek professional help.
I was overwhelmed with sadness when I finally had to say goodbye. In our last session, we discussed the progress I had achieved during our time together. I won’t lie, it took a long time to overcome the loss of regular sessions with her.
Do you believe it would be difficult to leave?
When therapy is coming to an end, it’s recommended to discuss it a few sessions beforehand. Share your thoughts in the comment section below.
Rewritten and copyrighted D. McCarthy Jan 2024
This article on ‘Finding a Therapist’ covers all therapy questions:
Category: PTSD
The Narcissistic Mother
This describes my narcissistic mother well.
Religious Abuse ~ A Psychological Trauma
Religious Abuse
Each time I hear a mention of this abuse, I shake my head, thinking, “here we go again, another child/adult child sexually abused, coming forward despite their courage and pain, to be treated like garbage or accused of making it all up and the church deals with it in their own way, which is nothing”. I seethe inside.
It is difficult to define what “religious abuse” means, as it carries implications of forcing someone to believe in faith. Still, it is abuse committed by someone who is a representative of a religious body.
Usually, the abuse takes the form of:
~ physical abuse
~ sexual abuse
~ emotional abuse
~ neglect
The abuse occurs because the religious representative takes advantage of his/her position of responsibility within the religious organization.
There has been widespread publicity surrounding the abuse by and criminal conviction of priests of the Catholic Church all over the world, leading to several leading legal precedent judgments in the higher courts concerning the church’s responsibility for the criminal behavior of priests.
Quote – PTSD – Narcissistic abuse from mom
NARCISSISTIC MATERNAL ABUSE
I wrote this quote referring to my narcissistic mother. She cannot recall the days of ignoring me, criticizing or showing no empathy, nor caring about me the way a mother should. Her emotional abuse had enormously affected my self-worth, self-confidence, and trust. I was forever feeling guilty or questioning what I had done that she was so displeased with anything I did for her.
After my father passed away, she felt isolated and lonely. She was elderly now and displayed signs of illness, questioning, “Why don’t you ever visit or come over for lunch because it’s lonely every day in this apartment?”. Hmmm, I wonder why? Typical narcissists do not recognize their own personalities.
I finally went NO CONTACT many years ago as I was tired of her never-ending abuse. It was the best decision I ever made.
I found out she passed away two years ago and thought she could have had a loving daughter to spend time with, but she threw it all away.
re-edited and reposted August 2022
Mom – Narcissistic Abuse
Trauma Therapy ~ 4 Important Things to Look For
To heal from trauma means finally dealing with the source of the trauma, whether it’s childhood abuse, sexual abuse, or physical abuse. This could include combat experiences, a natural disaster, or a violent assault. How can this be done when trauma provokes such negative and overwhelming feelings that most try hard to keep safely buried?
Therapy can be a vital step, helping the person feel safe enough to revisit their trauma without being re-traumatized. Getting the right support is key, however. Not only is it important to connect with a therapist well-versed in effective therapeutic approaches, it’s also vital to seek a person with whom you feel a personal connection.
Multiple studies confirm that a person who feels good about their relationship with their therapist is more likely to have a positive outcome. A recent study from Bowling Green State University researchers takes the concept a step further, noting that a deep connection between a therapist and patient can lead to “sacred moments” that increase well-being on both sides.
With that in mind, here are four things to look for to make your therapeutic experience most effective:
Knowledge. Your therapist should, of course, be up to date on treatment options–techniques such as cognitive-behavioral therapy, which teaches new ways of thinking about old experiences; neurofeedback, which can help rewire the brain to overcome trauma-induced changes; equine therapy, which can be a helpful supplement for those who find it hard to trust human connections; and EMDR, which can help with moving beyond the past.
Continue reading Trauma Therapy ~ 4 Important Things to Look For
PTSD ~ When a child comes to you…
If my parents had believed me when I was five years old, I wouldn’t have been in therapy for 20+ years, healing from the impact of their ignorance. Thank you, Mom and Dad.
Quote: “Learning from the Old Me”
PTSD – Why Are We Keeping Secrets?
I’ve written many posts about my PTSD (childhood sexual abuse), a ‘dirty little secret.’ Have you ever held on to secrets for years and years?
Also, who are we protecting? The abuser? Our parents or caretakers who were supposed to be caring for us? Why were we supposed to be the ones to “keep the secret”? We did nothing wrong. It seems so unfair and convoluted, doesn’t it?
As I recollect my past, at around five or six years old, as my friends and I freely played in our front yard, the evil predator would either sit next door on his veranda, relaxing, puffing on his cigar, or in the driveway repairing whatever was under the hood of his old car.
I felt panicked for both my friends and me, wanting so badly to warn them of this sexual deviant and express to them of the sexual abuse at the hands of this man, yet felt compelled to “keep the secret.” I had a secret; an ugly little secret to something that I didn’t cause–or did I?
There was the distressing apology forced by my parents to blurt out and recite with sincerity to this predator for abusing me. While apologizing to this revolting man, it bewildered me, wondering how I had wronged him. All kinds of feelings swished around: hate, helplessness, and frankly, it humiliated me. My parents warned me never to tell anyone about this.
Narcissistic Parenting – From the ‘roots’ up
I learned this bit of wisdom from my therapist during one of our many sessions discussing my Narcissistic mother. She explained very clearly how a parent has children (plants); she waters some and helps them grow and flourish, yet the others who aren’t so lucky receive less attention and are ignored. I now understood how my mother cared for and treated my brother (the Golden Child vs. myself (the Black Sheep). Do any of you feel this way?
edited and reposted July 2022
Quote ~ PTSD and The Broken Soul
CHILD SEXUAL ABUSE – BROKEN TRUST
What about the Funeral? ~ When Your Abuser or Estranged Relative Dies
Yes, what about the funeral, what about when your abuser dies? Are you expected to attend, expected to pay or share the costs, feel guilty or make excuses for not attending? It’s a crappy time for everyone. Do I pretend or fake I’m sad? Why should I pay for years of misery and abuse?
My narcissistic mother passed away a few years ago (we cut ties in 2013). My brother, whom I was also not in contact with, unexpectedly texted that she passed. I have no idea if there was a funeral, nor did I want to know.
Searching high and low for a detailed answer, I came across this well-written article:
One of the biggest dilemmas faced by escapees from abusive families is what to do when their abuser or estranged relative dies. Should we appear at the wake and funeral, or not? Should we go to the burial? Should we send flowers? Should we offer our condolences- and if so, to whom?
To the very people who took our abuser’s side against us or shunned us from their family, what kind of performance will we have to put on if people offer condolences? How will we be able to pretend that the death of our abuser was a great loss when we can’t even come up with one nice thing to say about him/her?
See the rest of this article at:
My blog is NOT a “religious” blog and I frown upon people who express their spiritual opinions, but (https://luke173ministries.org/) site offers oodles of mental health information.
(reposted with editing July 2022)
Are you faking PTSD for attention? or is this a scam?
I have CPTSD (sexual and emotional abuse), and just hearing the word “fake” & “scam” was enough to cause an actual trigger to my past, coupled with huge anxiety and intense anger.
A few weeks ago, while sitting in a coffee shop sipping tea and reading a book, two women around 30 – 40 years of age sitting behind me, actually had this conversation. True story. I’ll call them A & B.
A –Do you believe in all of this PTSD shit?
B –I don’t know what to think sometimes. I do know a co-worker whose sister is going to therapy for it, I don’t know what exactly for, but she just said something that happened to her when she was young and has PTSD now.
A –Do you think it’s for real, or is she looking for attention? How old is her sister?
B –I think she’s in her 30’s, not sure. It’s something about molestation when she was a kid or something, I didn’t want to ask and be nosey.
A –Yeah right, like she can remember things that happened when she was a kid!
B –Well it’s her business
A –I’m just asking because I saw a show last night showing how some men in the military and some police are actually faking having this PTSD, just to collect disability. Some of them have collected $100,000.00, what a shame when people that have an actual disability need it.
And, their discussion continued……..
PTSD is a psychiatric disorder that can occur in people who have experienced or witnessed a traumatic event such as a natural disaster, a serious accident, a terrorist act, war/combat, rape, or other violent personal assault. PTSD is a real illness that causes real suffering. (source: psychiatry.org/ptsd) Continue reading Are you faking PTSD for attention? or is this a scam?
How PTSD Impacts Our Lives
I’m unsure of the author of the above infographic, but I thought it showed a few examples of some regrettable symptoms of C-PTSD.
For me, to this day, I experience triggers and flashbacks! Recalling my childhood, should I spot a man who has dirty fingernails, it will literally send me back fifty years with horrid memories. My abuser/neighbor used to work underneath the hood of his old car daily and always had dirty hands and filthy, greasy black fingernails. It makes me want to vomit, recalling him placing his hands on me.
July 2022
PTSD – The Trauma Tree
I thought this was an excellent infographic explaining all forms of PTSD and displaying the horrific impact it has on a person in the future.
The Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers
Unfortunately, I am the daughter of a narcissistic mother, and the words above portray my mother to a tee. Going “No Contact” with her in 2013 was tough at first, but the wisest decision I have ever made. My mother passed away in 2019. I had no feelings of sadness, regret, or grief; just the disappointment that she missed out on a great mother-daughter relationship.
(I will write future articles on PTSD and emotional abuse relating to parental narcissism, as it crushed my soul and ruined my life for countless years.)
Deb
PTSD: Quote for Today
This is for everyone who has lived through years of childhood sexual, emotional and physical abuse. You are all Survivors and Warriors.
PTSD ~ Are you highly sensitive?
This describes me. As a person with PTSD, I always feel “on guard” and automatically scan a room if it’s a gathering with friends, a crowd of people, or anywhere outside my home. Perhaps it’s a trust issue, or maybe I never felt completely comfortable. Does this describe you?
Living In Stigma July 2022
STIGMA – Mental & Invisible Illnesses
What is Stigma?
When an individual appears to differ from us, we may view him or her in a negative, stereotyped way. People who have personalities or characteristics that society’s values negatively are stigmatized.
Stigma is a reality for people with mental or invisible illnesses and how society judges them is one of their most significant barriers to coping and living their life. We feel uncomfortable about mental illness, perhaps due to not fully understanding this disorder, and with an invisible illness, we sometimes assume they are useless, unable to work or function at all. (Statistics show stigma is less present with invisible illnesses). Continue reading STIGMA – Mental & Invisible Illnesses
Quote – PTSD – Narcissistic abuse from mom
NARCISSISTIC MATERNAL ABUSE
I wrote this quote referring to my narcissistic mother. She fails to recall the days of ignoring me, criticizing or showing no empathy, nor caring about me the way a mother should. Her emotional abuse has had an enormous impact on my life, and I remain in psychotherapy to this day.
Now she is elderly, feels isolated and displays signs of illness questioning “Why don’t you ever visit or come over for lunch because it’s lonely every day in this apartment?”. Hmmm, I wonder why? Typical narcissist, not recognizing their own personality.
I finally went NO CONTACT three years ago as I was tired of her never-ending abuse. Best decision I ever made.
Narcissistic Parents – the most harmful type of parent
(I’m reposting this article from last year, as it was edited and updated)
“Deb, we talk about your weight almost every day and you’re still not losing any. You are just not listening to us. Just remember, if you ever want a boyfriend or get married, then lose the weight.” OR
“Deb, I don’t have time to read your “1st Prize” essay right now. I’ll read it later. I’m busy with my knitting and then I have to make supper. Just read a book in your bedroom or something”.
Other cruel communications were endless during my childhood, getting where the words went in one ear and out the other ear or I disassociated.
Those words continue to sting until this very day, for I lived in a household with toxic parents, and I’m the unloved daughter of a narcissistic mother. I blame her for the viciousness, lack of empathy and relentless criticisms. Growing up was hell, and she accomplished that.
This well-written article below is from Gerald Schoenewolf, Ph.D. on Narcissistic Parents from PsychCentral.com/Psychoanalysis Now (blog)
Over the years, people have asked what is the most harmful thing a parent can do to a child. There are many harmful things a parent can do, too many to point out. It is easier to focus on the parent that does the most harm.
The most harmful parents are the parents who narcissistically need to think of themselves as great parents. Because of this need, they cannot look at their parenting objectively. And they cannot hear their children’s complaints about their parenting.
Continue reading Narcissistic Parents – the most harmful type of parent
Little Girl
LITTLE GIRL
Hey, little girl, I saw you with that man
what were you doing, letting him have his way
didn’t you know it was wrong, why didn’t you stop it?
you could have said no, but you still let it happen
what’s wrong with you? how could you not know?
~~~~
I tried to say no, he was bigger than me
yet he made me feel wanted and special for once
I was his “princess” and he said I “danced like an angel”
and I was invisible to everyone else
even though it hurt, it was worth the warm feelings
that I craved so much, and he granted me so lovingly
but then came anguish and pain
~~~~
Finally, I did try to tell, but no one would listen
the words came out, yet no words were heard
no one will really know
that my mind and my heart
died back then
I was little and
I didn’t know how to say no
_______________________________________________________
Written & copyright Deb McCarthy/2017
*I am a survivor of childhood sexual abuse, and it feels so much better to be able to say ‘survivor’ rather than ‘victim’ now.
Mother, Do you deserve a Card? PTSD – Survivors of Abuse
As an unloved daughter of a narcissistic mother, the cards or flowers I handed to her with ‘love’ throughout the years were given with the expectations and desires that one day she would hug me with love. Giving her a card each year was presented or mailed with a fake smile or strained “Love you always mom.”
She by no means ever deserved a card, lunch or dinner out, and especially a visit when I was an adult. When I moved across the country, there was one year I ‘neglected’ to send a card or call. This resulted in a ‘hissy fit,’ possibly threw one of her notorious tantrums including tears, resulting in my father phoning me, blasting “how could you treat your mother like this?” I can’t recall my reply, but more than likely, I said I was sorry.
A few days passed, and what do I receive in the mail, a multi-page letter from my mother ranting how self-centred I am, this is the way I treat her after everything she’s done for me throughout my life, took care of me, and will sever our relationship now. This was due to not sending a card?
To be honest, I feel jealous of others who have/had a wonderful mother.
So to all of those who are survivors of narcissistic emotional abuse, or never received the motherly care, empathy, encouragement, and love; I dedicate this post to you. You are all Warriors!
Hugs,
Deb
Broken Trust
Trust was broken
you knew it was
But that didn’t stop your
desire and craving
~~~
My hands were tied
literally
above my head
to the bed
Who cares, you thought
I’m getting what I want
~~~
This secret between us
no one will know
I’d never tell
because you persuaded me
told me I was lucky and special
to have someone like you
a special person
for protection and care
Trust wasn’t broken
You were was entitled to this
______________________________
Written and copyright by Deb McCarthy/2017
Quote for Sunday
Quote for today
What happened next when you told someone about your sexual abuse?
There has been a secret you’ve been concealing, that’s most likely eating you up inside, however, you now have mustered enough courage to tell someone you trust. It’s rough, and you’re just a kid.
Protection and trust have already been shattered by your abuser; you just couldn’t take it anymore, now it’s time to receive compassion, tenderness and told you were so courageous for coming forward and that person will be punished.
It may perhaps have been very positive for you, you were believed, acknowledged, obtained love, affection, sorrow and apologies for this ever happening; possibly counseling. You went on to recover with perhaps some difficulty, but you received support.
OR
Instead, it was the most regretful day of my life.
Continue reading What happened next when you told someone about your sexual abuse?
Unloved daughters of Narcissistic mothers
PTSD Sunday Quote
Today’s Quote
Finally, a clearer understanding of Narcissism & how it relates to CPTSD
If you are a survivor of PTSD, CPTSD or raised by a Narcissist this video is a must. Don’t worry about emotions, I was tearful throughout the entire video. This gentleman showed empathy and shared his experiences.
TRIGGER WARNING!!!! This may be upsetting for some people.
He has a series of excellent and informative videos on YouTube explaining various Narcissism and Complex PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder) traits. Source: (https://youtu.be/L6l59nEn2ZY)
Religious Abuse ~ A Psychological Trauma
Religious Abuse
Each time I hear a mention of this abuse, I shake my head thinking “here we go again, another child/adult child sexually abused, coming forward despite their courage and pain, to be treated like garbage or accused of making it all up and the church deals with it in their own way, which is nothing”. I seethe inside.
It is difficult to define what “religious abuse” means, as it carries with it implications of forcing someone to believe in a faith, but principally it is abuse committed by someone who is a representative of a religious body.
Usually, the abuse takes the form of:
~ physical abuse
~ sexual abuse
~ emotional abuse
~ neglect
The abuse occurs as a result of the religious representative taking advantage of his/her position of responsibility within the religious organisation.
There has been widespread publicity surrounding the abuse by and criminal conviction of priests of the Catholic Church all over the world leading to several leading legal precedent judgments in the higher courts concerning the scope of the responsibility of the church for the criminal behaviour of priests.
PTSD ~ Friday’s Quote
Don’t you just love the “just let it go” people? Such a simple solution for THEM.
Toxic Mothers: “How was I supposed to handle your sexual abuse?”
“Well back in the ‘60’s, we didn’t know how to handle things like that”
That was my mother’s asinine come back to my question, “Why didn’t you even take me to the doctors’ as a caution?” when discussing the sexual abuse a few years ago. I’ve always questioned this, whether it be any decade, wouldn’t a mother ensure her child was ok? All around, I am the daughter of a narcissistic mother which explains everything.
My parents didn’t believe me when I was 8 years old, revealing that our neighbor was sexually abusing me, and making matters worse, had to ask for forgiveness from the abuser. I doubt my mother truly believes me to this day or recognized that she made a huge mistake or perhaps ashamed how it was all handled.
She has never fully expressed regret for her actions, never acknowledged or empathized with the crap I went through (PTSD, major depression, hospitalizations, etc.) including years of therapy to heal and wipe up her mess. (Showing no validation or empathy is a common trait of a narcissist).
She slept peacefully at night during my hellish years, while I was awake feeling guilt, shame, and worthlessness. I finally severed ALL contact with my mother a few years ago, which was the wisest decision and the only alternative allowing me to continue healing and living freely.
(I finally received validation from a stranger (therapist) 45 years later which began my healing journey from feeling anguish and pain).
Written and copyrighted by Deb McCarthy 2016
How true is this? Hugs to all, Deb
PTSD Survivors: Why is validation so important for healing?
Throughout my years in therapy, validation was comparable to receiving a gift, at times triggering tears of sadness, yet happiness and contentment at the same time. Finally, someone was not ignoring me, was respecting my feelings and best of all, no interruptions with cruel words. As a daughter of a narcissistic mother, very rarely showing any validation, empathy and usually telling me “you’re making things up again.”, this was all new to me.
Validation means to express understanding and acceptance of another person’s internal experience, whatever that might be. Validation does not mean you agree or approve. Validation builds relationships and helps ease upset feelings. Knowing that you are understood and that your emotions and thoughts are accepted by others is powerful. Validation is like relationship glue. – psychologytoday.com
This article from PsychCentral.com explains ‘Validation’.
Have you ever wished you could take back an email that you sent when you were emotionally upset? Or maybe you made some statements when you were sad that you didn’t really mean or agreed to something when you were thinking with your heart that you later regretted? Or maybe you wanted to be supportive and helpful to someone you love but couldn’t because your own emotions made it difficult?
Communicating when overwhelmed with emotion does not usually work well. Being overwhelmed with emotion is not a pleasant experience. For emotionally sensitive people, managing their emotions so they can communicate most effectively and with the best results means learning to manage the intense emotions they experience on a regular basis. Continue reading PTSD Survivors: Why is validation so important for healing?
PTSD: Why do I have a ‘short fuse’?
“She’s such a nice girl”.
I’ve never recognized why I developed a short fuse or experience sudden outbursts of anger while growing up until I was in my therapy session last week. My therapist and I are seldom at odds, yet one particular thing she said ticked me off and I snapped at her which resulted in anger.
We talked it through and resolved the issue, but I was shocked when she said, “when angry, the PTSD kicks in just like that”. I never connected anger, irritability or having a short fuse before with PTSD, but it makes sense. Yes, I have a ‘short fuse‘ and I’m terribly impatient at times.
I’ve been termed ‘such a nice girl’ often, and to others, I suppose I am. Well-mannered, respectful, soft-spoken, compassionate, but underneath, I’ve held back anger on many occasions. Outside smiles, inside tears.
Quote: Emotional Abuse
My therapist was the first person who ever validated my feelings, allowed me to speak, and believed what troubled me throughout my adult years due to Emotional Abuse. My mother is a Narcissist and void of empathy, never taking the time or ignoring any feelings that I had. The only words out of her mouth were cruel and nasty.
What about the Funeral? ~ When Your Abuser or Estranged Relative Dies
Yes, what about the funeral. Are you expected to attend, expected to pay for costs, feel guilty and makes excuses for not attending? It’s a crappy time for everyone.
My narcissistic mother is not in the picture anymore, however, if she passed away how would the funeral be handled? (I’ve already answered that, but will keep my answer private).
Searching high and low for a detailed answer, I came across this well-written article:
One of the biggest dilemmas faced by escapees from abusive families is what to do when our abuser or estranged relative dies. Should we make an appearance at the wake and funeral, or not? Should we go to the burial? Should we send flowers? Should we offer our condolences- and if so, to whom?
To the very people who took our abuser’s side against us or shunned us from their family? What kind of an act will we have to put on if people offer condolences to US? How will we be able to pretend that the death of our abuser was a great loss, when we can’t even come up with one nice thing to say about him?
See the remainder of this article at:
http://www.luke173ministries.org/655609
(reposted with editing)
MOM, WHY DID YOU HAVE ME?
Mom, why did you have me?
A question I often ask
making no sense at all
for a woman so resentful and hateful
Bringing children into this world
as her own emotional punching bag
used for criticism and anger
against the daughter, who only craved for
a mother to love her
Mom, were you unhappy as a little girl?
I’m sorry if you were
but for you as my mother
you’ve damaged two lives now
that wonderful opportunity at a relationship with me
and my fantasy mom that I forever aspired you to be
I fantasized that we would bake cakes and chocolate chip cookies together,
perhaps getting flour over each other and laughing
Sewing, cooking, reading stories and joking
trying on your clothes, lipstick and shoes
going shopping like two girls together and giggling
but you seldom had patience for me and
I just appeared an annoyance in your eyes
your cruel words brought tears, unable to ever do anything right
starved of empathy and hugs, and hearing only critical remarks
sitting in my bedroom closet where there was peace and no yelling
I tried telling myself, why do I always make her so angry?
I ask once again
Mom, why did you have me?
~~ Deb
Narcissism ~~ Dear Mom, are you listening…
For my Narcissistic mother.
It’s been two years since I’ve cut off ties with her, and although she treated me like crap, I still miss having a ‘mother‘. In therapy, I’m working on the impact of how living as a daughter of a narcissist has affected my life.
Trust has been a huge problem for most of my life, starting in childhood. Firstly trust was broken by the neighbor who sexually abused me, followed by both parents who refused to believe, thus making me apologize. Learning to earn trust again with adults has taken years, mostly through therapy, after all, trust must be earned.
— Deb
Living in Stigma 