family – Living in Stigma

Do You Harbor Resentment?

Do you harbor some resentment? I hate to confess I do; feeling embarrassed with a character flaw such as this, it becomes awkward to discuss.

Resentment, or the strong and painful bitterness you feel when someone does something wrong to you, doesn’t have actual physical weight, but it feels very heavy and can last a long time. Forgiveness is one way to get rid of resentment. — Source: Vocabulary.com

Resentment can occur under any circumstances. Although some people’s resentments are deep-rooted, but the best example for me involved a work situation.

Years ago, another woman and I were up for a similar promotion. We weren’t chummy friends, so that didn’t enter the picture; however, we did work in the same department. Both of us shared equal qualifications, but I worked there longer than her, and I assumed I would get the position hands down. Well, guess what – I didn’t. You know that reaction when they ultimately drop the bomb, you politely smile, yet you are seething inside, ready to secretly attack the winner! In retrospect, I was so cheesed off at myself for sitting there meekly accepting my loss and must have had the word “resentment” written on my forehead.

Continue reading Do You Harbor Resentment?

Do you know How to leave a Narcissist?

This is an excellent site flyingmonkeysdenied.com for articles on Narcissism and PTSD.
I found this post, “How to Leave a Narcissist: Four key things to expect (step by step)

How to leave a narcissist (I have edited some of the content)

Step one — understand walking away means planning to lose half of the money and personal possessions and what they own.

Know they will do whatever it takes to destroy you socially, financially, psychologically, physically, and emotionally — more so if THEY were 100% at fault for the demise of the relationship (not less).
Expect zero help financially, physically, or with moral support; offering closure or remuneration to a victim is something a Narcissist resists, noting that they will repeatedly interrupt even the grief process to make sure a target does not have it.

Step two — Plan your budget based on your ability to produce income — not theirs.

Understand if you set your budget based on what you can cover that, you will never end up short; conversely, if you expect alimony and child support and rely on a dime to pay your bills that, you will have given them a highly effective manipulation tool to harm you directly every month a payment arrives late or never comes in.

Step three — Prepare to have your heart broken as they will perpetually strive to estrange children, family members, your entire emotional and social support network, and friendship circles from you with bonus points for their own ego if they can throw a hometown very public smear-campaign into the mix. Continue reading Do you know How to leave a Narcissist?

Maternal Narcissism ~ Mom, only wishing you could have said these words to me…

QPTSD5-28

Recalling my childhood, my mother seldom had any positive or encouraging words for me, mainly heartless or cruel remarks, only criticizing me for one thing or another spewed from her mouth. She was continually displeased, and only now recognizing that it would be impossible to accomplish ever pleasing this woman.

I was thinking the other day, what words would myself and perhaps others wish their narcissistic moms compassionately said to them?

Mom, if only you could have said:

~I know you don’t lie. I believe you

~Always come to me when you’re upset or angry. I love you

~I’ll always believe in you, whatever your dreams are

~Let’s just have a girl’s day out once in a while, your choice, whatever you want

~You look so cute in those clothes

~Don’t focus on body image, it’s what’s inside

~You’re more important to me than anything

~I’m so damn proud of you.

~I love reading your stories/artwork/playing games

~You smell so nice and clean

~Don’t always spend time in your bedroom, we should spend more time together

~Your feelings matter and you have a right to your opinion. I’m not always right and remember, we all make mistakes

~You look like something is bothering you. Want to talk about it?

~Let me take care of you when you’re so sick. How about hot tea? Or I’ll sit beside you, or we’ll lie in bed together.

~Sure, have your friends over anytime. They are always welcome

~You’re so precious to me. Having a daughter is a blessing

~Anything you want to ask me, go right ahead

~I love the way you laugh

~I’m sorry, it’s my fault, not yours/my mistake. Sorry I made you feel bad.

~You are worthy. Don’t let anyone make you feel you aren’t.

~Someone will be a lucky man to have you as his wife

~I want to just hug you, and keep hugging you, big bear hugs

~I’ve got the best daughter a mother could have

Written and copyrighted by Deb McCarthy/2022

(edited and reposted)

What about the Funeral? ~ When Your Abuser or Estranged Relative Dies

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Yes, what about the funeral, what about when your abuser dies? Are you expected to attend, expected to pay or share the costs, feel guilty or make excuses for not attending? It’s a crappy time for everyone. Do I pretend or fake I’m sad? Why should I pay for years of misery and abuse?

My narcissistic mother passed away a few years ago (we cut ties in 2013). My brother, whom I was also not in contact with, unexpectedly texted that she passed. I have no idea if there was a funeral, nor did I want to know.

Searching high and low for a detailed answer, I came across this well-written article:

One of the biggest dilemmas faced by escapees from abusive families is what to do when their abuser or estranged relative dies. Should we appear at the wake and funeral, or not? Should we go to the burial? Should we send flowers? Should we offer our condolences- and if so, to whom?

To the very people who took our abuser’s side against us or shunned us from their family, what kind of performance will we have to put on if people offer condolences? How will we be able to pretend that the death of our abuser was a great loss when we can’t even come up with one nice thing to say about him/her?

See the rest of this article at:
My blog is NOT a “religious” blog and I frown upon people who express their spiritual opinions, but (https://luke173ministries.org/) site offers oodles of mental health information.

(reposted with editing July 2022)

What happened next when you told someone about your sexual abuse?

There has been a secret you’ve been concealing, that’s most likely eating you up inside, however, you now have mustered enough courage to tell someone you trust. It’s rough, and you’re just a kid.

Protection and trust have already been shattered by your abuser; you just couldn’t take it anymore, now it’s time to receive compassion, tenderness and told you were so courageous for coming forward and that person will be punished.

It may perhaps have been very positive for you, you were believed, acknowledged, obtained love, affection, sorrow and apologies for this ever happening; possibly counseling. You went on to recover with perhaps some difficulty, but you received support.

OR

Instead, it was the most regretful day of my life.

Continue reading What happened next when you told someone about your sexual abuse?

Do You Harbor Resentment?

Do you harbor some resentment? I hate to confess I do; feeling embarrassed with a character flaw such as this, it becomes awkward to discuss.

Resentment, or the strong and painful bitterness you feel when someone does something wrong to you, doesn’t have actual physical weight, but it feels very heavy and can last a long time. Forgiveness is one way to get rid of resentment. — Source: Vocabulary.com

Resentment can occur under any circumstances although some people’s resentments are deep-rooted, but the best example for me involved a work situation.

I recollect years ago, another woman and I were up for a similar promotion. We weren’t chummy friends; so that didn’t enter the picture, however, we did work in the same department. Both of us shared equal qualifications, and employed there longer than her, I assumed I would get the position hands down. Well, guess what – I didn’t. You know that reaction when they ultimately drop the bomb, you politely smile yet you are seething inside ready to secretly attack the winner! In retrospect, I was so cheesed off at myself for sitting there meekly accepting my loss and must have had the word “resentment” written on my forehead.

Continue reading Do You Harbor Resentment?

Hey, are you filling my prescriptions properly? Beware!! 4 Pharmacy errors that can spell danger

This is critical information for everyone. Each time you pick up your prescription – check it!!

How to avoid pharmacy mix-ups that can mean serious consequences for your health

How often do serious pharmacy errors happen? Actually, nobody knows. There is little data tracking the problem across Canada. So what do you need to know to stay safe? Here are four errors to watch out for that can have serious consequences for your health.

CBC News and Marketplace have been investigating pharmacy errors for several months in the largest hidden-camera test of its kind in Canada. Follow our continuing coverage at cbcnews.ca. Watch the complete investigation, Dispensing Danger, on Friday at 8 p.m. on CBC TV and online.

According to the Institute for Safe Medication Practices (ISMP) Canada, medication problems are often caused by a combination of factors. Here are some problems to watch out for:

Illegible prescriptions

Continue reading Hey, are you filling my prescriptions properly? Beware!! 4 Pharmacy errors that can spell danger

NPD Maternal Narcissism – Mom, describing most of your nasty traits

Mom, you scored beautifully on this: 31/33 (and you’re lucky I was being generous!).

How would your mother score out of 33?

(repost)

Ambiguous Grief: Grieving Someone Who Is Still Alive

I found this article interesting recalling the grief I experienced while my grandmother struggled with Alzheimer’s, gradually becoming worse and failing to even recognize me.

~~
My guess is that when people read the title of this article they will react with either a, “what are they talking about? How can someone be grieving someone who is still alive and what the heck is ambiguous grief???” or a “holy crap, yes! I have felt exactly that way! Thank goodness WYG is finally covering this topic”. This is one of those topics where if you have been there, you get it and if you haven’t, you don’t. Either way, hopefully, you’ll read on.

Before we dive in, if you clicked on this post because you feel like you are grieving someone with a terminal illness who has not yet died, there is another WYG article you should read before you read this article. Check out our article on Anticipatory Grief, which is about the grief that comes when we anticipate that we are going to lose someone.

In contrast to anticipatory grief, there are times in life when someone we love becomes someone we barely recognize. The person is still physically with us, but psychologically they are gone. There are a range of reasons this can happen. Some of the most common are things like addiction, dementia, traumatic brain injuries, and mental illness. If you have never lived through loving someone in such a situation, this can be hard to understand. The person you love is still there, sometimes they ‘look’ sick, sometimes they don’t. But regardless of how they look, they do things they would never have done, they say things they would never have said, treat you in ways they never would have treated you, and they are not there for you in ways they previously were. This is sometimes referred to as “ambiguous grief” or “ambiguous loss”.

This may sound very abstract, but when it occurs in your life it is very concrete and real. Your mom, who always loved and supported you, doesn’t recognize you, understand you or says hurtful things. You husband, who was always kind and considerate, is now lying and stealing to support an addiction. You son, who was brilliant and driven, is now struggling with delusions and hallucinations.

More on this article @ whatsyourgrief.com

Why Was I A Disappointment?

WHY WAS I A DISAPPOINTMENT?

why was I such a big disappointment
and what age did you start loathing me
your son wasn’t treated like that
and I tried everything in me to please

the sexual abuse wasn’t my fault
yet you made it and believed it to be
to save face in the neighborhood was so important
keeping the secret didn’t destroy you as it did me

Continue reading Why Was I A Disappointment?

What about the Funeral? ~ When Your Abuser or Estranged Relative Dies

Yes, what about the funeral. Are you expected to attend, expected to pay for costs, feel guilty and makes excuses for not attending? It’s a crappy time for everyone.

My narcissistic mother is not in the picture anymore, however, if she passed away how would the funeral be handled? (I’ve already answered that, but will keep my answer private).

Searching high and low for a detailed answer, I came across this well-written article:

One of the biggest dilemmas faced by escapees from abusive families is what to do when our abuser or estranged relative dies. Should we make an appearance at the wake and funeral, or not? Should we go to the burial? Should we send flowers? Should we offer our condolences- and if so, to whom?

To the very people who took our abuser’s side against us or shunned us from their family? What kind of an act will we have to put on if people offer condolences to US? How will we be able to pretend that the death of our abuser was a great loss, when we can’t even come up with one nice thing to say about him?

See the remainder of this article at:
http://www.luke173ministries.org/655609

(reposted with editing)

MOM, WHY DID YOU HAVE ME?

Mom, why did you have me?

A question I often ask
making no sense at all
for a woman so resentful and hateful

Bringing children into this world
as her own emotional punching bag
used for criticism and anger
against the daughter, who only craved for
a mother to love her

Mom, were you unhappy as a little girl?

I’m sorry if you were
but for you as my mother
you’ve damaged two lives now
that wonderful opportunity at a relationship with me
and my fantasy mom that I forever aspired you to be

I fantasized that we would bake cakes and chocolate chip cookies together,
perhaps getting flour over each other and laughing
Sewing, cooking, reading stories and joking
trying on your clothes, lipstick and shoes
going shopping like two girls together and giggling
but you seldom had patience for me and
I just appeared an annoyance in your eyes

your cruel words brought tears, unable to ever do anything right
starved of empathy and hugs, and hearing only critical remarks
sitting in my bedroom closet where there was peace and no yelling
I tried telling myself, why do I always make her so angry?
I ask once again

Mom, why did you have me?

~~ Deb

Narcissism ~~ Dear Mom, are you listening…

For my Narcissistic mother.

It’s been two years since I’ve cut off ties with her, and although she treated me like crap, I still miss having a ‘mother‘. In therapy, I’m working on the impact of how living as a daughter of a narcissist has affected my life.

Trust has been a huge problem for most of my life, starting in childhood. Firstly trust was broken by the neighbor who sexually abused me, followed by both parents who refused to believe, thus making me apologize. Learning to earn trust again with adults has taken years, mostly through therapy, after all, trust must be earned.

— Deb

PTSD ~ Sexual Abuse: When parents fail to believe

I read this captivating book: The Loveless Family by Jon P. Bloch, which described me and my own family to a T. This paragraph in the book really touched on a nerve, acknowledging how much harm my parents did, not believing me about the sexual abuse. The wounds haven’t entirely healed and dancing lessons, upscale clothing and oodles of Xmas gifts never swayed my painful memories.

From the book:

“Between children and adults, there may be lifelong disappointment over a child’s failure to meet the parents’ expectations. The child, in turn, may spend a lifetime fluctuating between guilt for having failed and having resentment for being expected to succeed in the first place. When parents failed to help when they could and should have – if the child was being sexually abused, for example, and the parents chose not to believe it – the wound may never heal, despite superficial niceties. Sometimes, too, parents resent never having had their own chance at success.”

When Your Abuser or Estranged Relative Dies ~ The Whole Funeral Thing

My toxic mother is not in the picture anymore, but the question still remains, what about the funeral? The response would be ~ NO for my abuser if he were still alive.

Searching high and low for a detailed answer, I came across this well written post. My intention is not to shove religion down your throats believe me, as this article was written by a minister on a religious site, however, it answered my questions and more.

Continue reading When Your Abuser or Estranged Relative Dies ~ The Whole Funeral Thing

What happened next when you told someone about your sexual abuse?

There has been a secret you’ve been concealing, that’s most likely eating you up inside, however, you now have mustered enough courage to tell someone you trust. It’s rough, you’re just a kid.

It may perhaps have been very positive for you, you were believed, acknowledged, obtained love, affection, sorrow and apologies for this ever happening; possibly counselling. You went on to recover with perhaps some difficulty, but you received support. Continue reading What happened next when you told someone about your sexual abuse?

Fibromyalgia ~ This image just about says it all

There’s even a misunderstanding with the chronic pain people endure due to fibromyalgia, some people don’t see it as a disability.

Be kind, don’t judge.

MOM, YOU’RE STILL TOXIC & YOU’LL NEVER CHANGE

Who was I kidding, reuniting again with my mother. I should have left things alone after no communication for three years, but no I had these grand ideas in May of this year of reconciling. How many times have I attempted to make it work before? Three, perhaps four? I’ve never truly had this woman’s tenderness or support for fifty some odd years, and it ‘aint ever going to happen.

Why can’t I get this through my thick skull and I allow myself to be disillusioned repeatedly? But, was craving for parents, namely a mother who truly loved me instead of criticizing and showing my brother the same affection that I deserved, too much to ask for? I don’t think it was.

You constantly told me to lose weight, criticized me too many times, making me feel worthless and sub-par. I lost weight when you saw me this May, I thought you’d be so proud of me and things would be different; guess it didn’t matter.

But mom, you surpassed yourself this time, with selfish words again, and presented the “toxic mother” that you are, sent in reply to an e-mail a few days ago.

Continue reading MOM, YOU’RE STILL TOXIC & YOU’LL NEVER CHANGE