Usually, when someone is referred to as ‘confident‘, they are referring to self-confidence.
They relate confidence as a psychological quality to, but distinct from, self-esteem. Self-esteem is usually lost because of other losses. Losing confidence is no longer trusting in the ability to perform.
My self-confidence and self-esteem went down the toilet shortly after my first hospitalization back in the mid-1990s and never really returned, even to this day. The gigantic hands of depression held onto me ever so tight. I lost my thinking process, the career I built, and mostly what I lost was me.
I went from working full time as an accounting supervisor for a large manufacturing corporation to essentially a ‘piece of fluff. People routinely came to me for answers, and when in the hospital, I spent my days sitting in solitude or meandering the hospital halls to pass the time. Was this the life they sentenced me to?
It was incredible the change in me; virtually a child standing behind her mother’s dress, frightened to ask or speak up. I was even nervous about ordering a pizza via the telephone. Previously, I was forever the one who would enter a room, introduce herself, perform a speech, and feel at ease.
Mental illness does this to a human being. Instead of possessing that comfortable leather skin that gets us through rough situations, we only find ourselves dressed in chiffon. You feel flawed.
These are rough roads and undeserved journeys. Some of us have taken these roads/journeys repeatedly and question when the “under construction” will end, giving way to the smooth, fresh pavement.
It took years to recover and land back on my feet. I revisited the working world, however, only some of the self-confidence and self-esteem returned; just enough to get me by. Starting all over and learning new computer systems and methods were incredibly difficult, yet I endured employment for 6 years before dark depression struck once again and now find myself unable to work.
I recognize I still lack it, and living jobless makes a difference; away from the working world, not connected to people, sometimes hurls you into your own little world, where you get to escape and become too comfortable. I’d still rather hide, but I know I can’t, therefore, compelled to be “self-confident” looking and sounding.
Actually, this self-esteem/confidence thing is a lot of self-talk, and the support has to be there as you begin the “baby steps.”
Re-written and copyrighted by Deb McCarthy/2022
(edited and repost)
Living in Stigma 