My heart aches..
It beats with subdued hope..
Screaming out to me..
The screams so loud and yet so quiet..
Throbbing so deeply it weighs down my entire body..
The agony so hefty my heart developed pricks..
Puncturing my chest, my heart wounds me..
As I try to breath in and out, my heart breaks..
Shattering and spraying across my chest..
As I breath in and out I feel the pricks piercing my soul..
I feel dizzy, lightheaded..
My vision becomes blurry, my ears start ringing..
The agony persists..
My heart carries a burden..
So heavy it feels like I carry a dead dragon
Dragging me down its as if I’m pulling a wagon
I woke up with a profound sadness..
Edged deep into my bones..
I couldn’t shake it no matter what I did..
No matter how hard I tried it wouldn’t leave me..
I tried to replace it, to forget it with my favourite things..
I frolicked with friends..
I took long walks in nature..
I smelled the flowers and wrapped them around my head..
I read a beloved book underneath the canopy trees..
I danced in the rain in my favourite dress..
And yet the sadness wont leave me..
The sadness digs her claws deeper..
Grabbing hold onto my heart..
Wrapping her long limbs around my heart tightly..
So tight I can barely breathe, barely see in front of me..
Whispering in my soul harshly..
“We are one now”..
We walked into the room and the air around us crackled
The air felt charged. With electricity. With lust
The tension that filled the room felt as if it would choke us
He held my hand gently, yet firmly
Giving me a chance to release if I wanted to, but urging me to come
Stopping in the middle of the dimly lit room
The whole room light with candles
Making the room even more sexy, alluring, utterly intoxicating
With one look he asked a question,
“Are you sure about this? Do you want this?”
Instead of an answer I leaned in for a kiss
The kiss starting off sweet, gentle, tentative even
Quickly turning passionate, hungry, impatient
His hands sliding across my body, making me dizzy
Gliding across every part of my body
Our bodies pressed tightly against each other
Clothes haphazardly torn off in a frenzy of want and need
Just when I think he is about to take me roughly
He slides down, gets on his knees and looks up at me
Slowly lifting up my thigh to rest on his shoulders
He devours me hungrily, like a man starved
Every nibble, every lick, every suck drawing me closer to nirvana
In that moment there is no regret, no guilt
No other feeling than utter bliss..
Sometimes reminiscing
brings nothing but pain
And yet still at times foresight
Brings even more sorrow
I walk up the building stairs slowly,
Taking my time with each step,
Leisurely taking my time,
Feeling the slow trickle of sweat down my spine,
As I open the giant doors of the hotel,
Thoughts overlap in my mind,
Walking past the front desk,
I return the greetings of the pretty girl sitting behind the receptionist desk,
In that moment almost tripping, I wonder
“Does she know who I am here to see?”
“Does she see the guilt flashing across my eyes when I smile back”
“Does she see the ring on my finger”
As I press the UP button and wait in the lobby for the elevator,
I start to feel the hesitation along with a chill down my spine,
The air conditioning inside the hotel suddenly feeling a tad too cold,
Or maybe it was the blood rushing through my veins,
A chilling reminder that what I am about to do is wrong,
Taking a step into the elevator, the doors shutting a little too loud for my ears,
I wonder if I should simply turn back,
I remind myself that that I still have a chance,
A chance to change my mind,
My mind tries to convince my body to turn back,
Repeating again that I still have not done anything wrong,
Reminding myself that I am still clean,
“You can simply press the DOWN button,
Walk out of the hotel, forget about this night,
And go back to your husband in the beautiful home you own together”
The loud “Bing” of the elevator doors opening pulls me out of my reverie,
And as I lift my eyes off of the floors I see him standing right in front of me,
Literally taking my breath away as his eyes bore into mine,
Looking as sensual as ever in the dark suit I met him in,
I falter in my steps, a little afraid of the butterflies in the pit of my belly,
Terrified of the tingling, moist sensation in my panties,
He smiles slowly, seductively, knowingly,
As he takes a perusal at my thighs rubbing together in anticipation,
Reaching out his hand he waits patiently,
Extending his long manicured ringers steadily, unmoving, waiting,
Giving me a choice, a chance to come to him willingly, at my own will,
Giving me a choice to dismantle the life that I have carefully built,
Brick by brick, year after year, sweat and tears,
A choice to hand over my body to him,
A choice to explore if this is real,
To see whether the electricity between us will explode once our bodies intertwine,
A chance to see whether his touch is as lethal as his tongue.
Since nobody will choose me..
I choose myself..
Since I am always a second thought..
I will be my first priority..
Since I have always been a second option..
I will be my first option..
Since I cant express my hurts..
I will write them down instead..
Even though they are all around me..
I live a lonely existence..
Some people are like clouds..
When they leave your life..
The sun shines brighter..
The birds sing louder..
The sun rays feel warmer on your skin..
In darkness I lay
Soul snatched by the devil in disguise
searching for the light I lament
Even in the darkest of day..
Even in the gloomiest of nights..
Even in the shoddiest of seasons..
Your smile is all I need..
To light up my soul..
chicpress 