This is a good thing

Posted on 10/14/2019 by suzangrey

My dearest companion,

We’ve been spending quite a bit of time together, and I have to admit that I am looking forward to a bit of a break. It’s not that I don’t like you. I really do, even more so than the first time I saw you. It’s just that all this time together is quite a hit to the budget. Sure, we’ll still see each other during the week, and maybe even on the weekends, but it won’t be for as long as we have in recent months.

I’m sure that you could use the rest as well. You’ve had it rough the last few months, despite me trying to take care of you. Even just this morning, we missed that accident by seconds, and I was so glad you were there to keep me safe.

This will be the last week we’ll be spending so much time together, and it’s going to be quite the test for us both. I appreciate you making room for all that’s going on in my life and for keeping me moving. I know you’ll understand why this is a good thing for both of us. After all, absence makes the heart grow fonder. While I’m very fond of you, this is something we both need, Magneto.

I’m hoping to treat you to a covered parking spot in the Spring, as hail storms can wreak havoc on your beautiful exterior, especially your windows. Once everything calms down, I’m definitely treating you to a nice wash and detailing job along with that replacement screen we’ve been waiting on so you don’t auto dial random people.

Here’s to our new adventure in our new home together!

With love and adoration,
Your owner

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Reversing My Addiction

Posted on 10/10/2019 by suzangrey

Several years ago, I dated a very nice guy over the summer. He was a friend of a friend and only one of two people I’ve met organically in quite some time. What was unique about this relationship was that he and our mutual friend met through AA. Yes, he was a recovering alcoholic and had been sober over 18 months when we met. He was very open to talking about it, and I appreciated it. Fortunately for him, I am not really a drinker. In fact, if someone said that they’d give me a million dollars if I never drank alcohol again, I’d be a millionaire. I wouldn’t even bat an eye. Alcohol is just not something I have any issues with and have no problem leaving it behind.

Occasionally we’d go out to eat, and he’d ask me if I wanted to order a drink. Without really thinking about it, I’d say, “Nah.” This blew his mind. After all, to him, he wondered why I wouldn’t want a drink given I could have one. It just doesn’t occur to me that having an alcoholic beverage with a meal is necessary. For me…well…I’d rather eat my calories.

He and I were in the middle of a conversation one day about how he feels about alcohol. Part of the way into this conversation, I stopped him because I’d realized something pretty profound. If he were to take the word “alcohol” and replace it with the word “food,” it would perfectly describe me. Just as he would ask me when going out to eat if I wanted an alcoholic beverage, I’d ask him, after he’d order a salad, if he wanted a burger or something a little more “naughty” instead. After all, he could have it! His response to this was paralleled with my response to his drink question.

So now, several years later, and several pounds gained and lost, I’m still in a struggle with food. When I thought back to my conversations years ago, it made me wonder something. Why is it that if I have an addictive personality (food, in my case), it doesn’t translate to alcohol, drugs, smoking, or even gambling? Why does my brain restrict the addictive tendencies to only food?

I remember yet another conversation with this man that had me choosing my words carefully. I told him, “Ummm…I really hope this doesn’t come across the wrong way, but…you’re lucky in the sense that your addiction is alcohol because the way to control it is to just not consume it.” Please don’t get me wrong. I’m not saying, by any means that he is lucky to be an alcoholic. My point was this – you do not need alcohol to stay alive. You do, however, need food. That was my issue.

I explained it to him how I’d read it described several years before. Imagine your addiction is drugs, alcohol, etc. This would be like you going to the zoo every day to see the lion and then going home. The difference is for a food addict, it’s better described like this: go to the zoo every day, three times a day. Take the lion for a walk and then go home.

I wish there was some way to make my brain recognize food in the same way it recognizes the other addictions that I don’t battle. I’m not saying I’m gonna take up smoking to replace it. BLEH!!! Can’t stand the stuff! I just wish I could have it be a non-issue for me so I can stop focusing on it so much. I guess it’s time to do some research. The brain sure is weird!

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IF I must

Posted on 09/29/2019 by suzangrey

I’ve struggled with weight my entire life. I can remember as early as my teens was the first time I joined Weight Watchers. I’ve tried Jenny Craig, Nutrisystem, and even SlimFast back in the day. Last year I started a nutritional keto diet. It was the easiest way I ever lost weight, but as I got closer and closer to my goal weight, I found that I had to further and further restrict what I was eating and increase the intensity of my workouts. I HATE tracking my food and living by so many rules. I also recently visited with a girlfriend, who is still on the keto diet. She said something to me that really bothered me and even made me sad. She told me that from the minute she gets up until she goes to bed, she is always hungry and always thinking about food. That depressed the hell out of me! I don’t want this for myself. Ever.

One of the things I learned last year when starting the keto diet was the idea of intermittent fasting. Never in a million years would I have ever thought that a weight loss tool would be to just NOT EAT! Seriously, MIND BLOWN! I read about its benefits, and I have been continuously fasting for at least 14 hours a day since August 2018.

It may sound like a lot, but given you’re sleeping around 6-8 hours, it really isn’t much. I’ve also done some extended fasts (40 hours) and found some amazing benefits from it. I was introduced to a Facebook group that follows a book by Gin Stephens called Delay, Don’t Deny. In this book, she sites quite a few books, studies, and even testimonials by those who have been successful with the intermittent fasting lifestyle. After all, I’m already doing it, but after reading her book, I learned quite a bit more.

Two of the things I’ve found that are usually my downfall when it comes to diets are tracking food and restricting what kinds of food I eat. I’ll usually track to a point and then I get pissed off that I have to write down every fucking bite that goes in my mouth. I also end up missing foods that are “off limits.” So many rules! Ugh! In this book, well…the title says it all. You’re not following a plethora of rules of what you can eat and how much. You basically find an eating window that works for you. During your eating window, you don’t deny yourself any foods. The process of fasting helps your body to learn to eventually burn fat for fuel, just like in the keto diet. Sure, you could probably lose faster by eating according to the keto diet, but I miss fruit and bread and other things that aren’t “allowed.”

I’ve decided I’m not going to deny myself anything anymore. Sure, I’ll still have to be mindful of what I’m eating and listen to my satiety signals, but if others can be successful doing this, then I feel I can as well. I’ve got a good group of people for support and I won’t be telling anyone about this new change. I need to get my eating back in control and just going to the store today know that I could buy whatever I wanted was a bit freeing. Sure, I still got the normal stuff, but not having to count calories and track shit sounds good to me.

I’m going to use this as an accountability platform, but I have a feeling it will be a slow process. Either way, if this gives me the peace of mind around what I’m eating, and helps me gain some control again, then it’s all worth it.

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Introducing Leon

Posted on 09/25/2019 by suzangrey

Two of my favorite movies, simply for the stupid humor and quick wit, are both Airplane! and Airplane II: The Sequel. By far, my favorite character in these movies is Jacobs, the goofy control room worker. At one point in the movie, they mention that there’s bad news: the fog is getting thicker. It’s at this point that Jacobs jumps in from the left, grabs and shakes the belly of the man standing there and says, “…and Leon’s getting laaaaaarger.” This cracks me up every time. Today, I walked by the mirror in the hallway, and…well…turns out, I may need to change my name to Leon.

Losing weight is typically a slow process, although I did have quite a bit of success on the keto diet. The weight came off quickly, and I felt great! I was in my goal weight range and thought I’m never going back to the bigger me. Nope! Not gonna happen! Not after all this work. Well…say hello to Leon. FUUUUCK!!

I keep telling myself that once I move into my apartment next month I’ll get back on track. I’ll get my eating under control and things will be better. It’s as if I’m giving myself permission to eat whatever I want whenever I want until then as if that is some magic date that will change everything. Hell, we all know I’m not dating anyone. I’m not even potentially dating anyone. So, what difference does it make it I’ll just lose the weight once I move?

Have you read a bigger load of bullshit in your LIFE?! Who the fuck am I kidding?! Leon had six, yes SIX, candy bars today at work. I am actually afraid to get on the scale for fear of the number I’ll see. I need to get the fuck off this ride before I get stuck in the seat. Time for some serious changes!

I recently spoke with a personal trainer that a friend has been working with. His gym is not far from where I’ll be living. I won’t be able to afford many sessions, but I know I need at least one between now and my move just to break this cycle and have someone, in person, to be accountable to.

I’m going to start working on my budget and really dialing it in so I can get some personal training more frequently. After all, you make time and space for what’s important to you. I’m going to research how best to save money and pay off debt quickly, which only consists of my car loan. I want to figure out a way to make some extra money each month so I can pay off my loan early. I HATE being in debt! If I can be really frugal over the next year, it would be awesome to say that I’m debt free. Time to kick Leon to the curb as I drive off in my paid-for car.

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Reality can bite me

Posted on 09/23/2019 by suzangrey

Writing is a bit of an escape for me. It helps me get out of my head what’s been bothering me which, in turn, gives me a sense of peace. To say I’ve had a lot on my mind lately is an understatement. Shit will be getting very real very quickly, and I’m doing my best to stay calm. I felt like I had some peace of mind Saturday after my date, and I was looking forward to spending some time with this new beau. If for no other reason, I figured he would give me something positive to focus on and provide me with some comfort given he seemed to be very affectionate. Oh well.

You wouldn’t know it looking at me that I’m really worried about my future, as I hide it well. I really am doing my best not to worry about things that have not yet come to pass, but the mind is weird thing. It likes to fuck with you. You’ll be going through your day, just working away, feeling pretty good. All of a sudden, it’ll slip something in when you least expect it, such as the simple idea that you’ll never really be able to afford a decent vacation at your current pay rate.

FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!!!

I keep seeing all these guys on dating sites. Their profile will say something like, “A little about me – I own my own home. I travel for leisure several times each year. I’ve visited 13 countries, and would love to meet a woman with her passport at the ready who is up for an adventure.”

Well shit! Who wouldn’t be up for an adventure?! I mean, SURE! I’ll go with you to your 14th country! Oh wait! I barely make enough to make ends meet, I’m not eligible for time off until at least February, and even then, I won’t be able to afford to go anywhere. By the way, wanna come over to my one-bedroom apartment since I probably won’t ever be able to afford a house unless I change careers which would require me incurring quite a bit of debt?!?

Honestly, here are the list of basic qualities in a man I’m hoping to find. This person:

  • has a job
  • has a vehicle…with doors and seatbelts for us both
  • knows simple sentence structure and how to end a sentence…or what a sentence is
  • isn’t recently out of a relationship (seriously…learn to be okay alone before we meet)
  • can refrain from talking to me like I’m “one of the guys”
  • has showered
  • isn’t in some sort of custody battle or major drama with an ex who he speaks badly about
  • has the ability to carry a conversation…or at least participate in one
  • doesn’t smoke
  • doesn’t require a designated driver or feel the need to do a keg stand

Please, my friends. Be honest. Is this list asking for too much? This isn’t even anywhere CLOSE to what I really want. That list is much more specific, starting with me being a sucker for a brunette and a great smile.

I know that relationships are hard. I was married over 16 years. I get it. What I never realized is just how difficult even getting into a relationship would be. It’s a game of numbers after all. I’ve met a lot of guys. How is it possible that not one of them sticks? Am I okay by myself? Sure, but fuck, I really do miss being someone’s something special. I got a taste of it on Saturday and then just like that it’s back to reality. I’ve had enough of reality.

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Please, someone explain

Posted on 09/22/2019 by suzangrey

I really need someone to explain something to me. Men…this may be for you.

Here’s the scenario:

Two people meet and go out on a date. At the end of the date, the guy gives the girl a hug and a quick kiss goodbye. Fast forward. The guy and girl continue to keep in touch. The guy does his best to “flirt” while the girl is still unsure about the guy, although she finds him intelligent and fun to talk with. The girl suggests a second date – a movie – to which the guy not only agrees, but insists on buying the tickets. They both arrive and hug hello. The movie starts with a dramatic moment that startles the girl, so the guy mentions that “he’s here.” She grabs his arm, and that starts the physical contact. There is hand holding, arm caressing, and even sweet kisses to her forehead and hand. Finally, he pulls her into a kiss that makes her knees weak despite sitting down.

The movie ends and they walk around together for some time, all the while holding hands. He gives her a sweet kiss goodbye and they go their separate ways but not before he says he’ll talk to her a little later. She gets home and he does in fact text her. They go back and forth about how that date made them feel and that there’s definitely a mutual attraction. In the middle of texting, he disappears. She figured that maybe he fell asleep. Oh well, she’s sure she’ll hear from him the next day.

Nope!

What the actual fuck?!?!

THIS IS WHY I DON’T FUCKING DATE!!

In an attempt not to put all my eggs in one basket, I agreed to a date with a different guy today. We met for drinks (although I don’t drink, so I had club soda) and talked for almost two hours. He was most definitely interested. I wasn’t, although he’s a very sweet guy. I will say that it is a bit weird to have a guy tear up on you while talking about his stepdad who likes to hunt. Not sure about all that, but whatever.

I figured maybe the guy from the previous date was busy all day and just didn’t have time to chat. Fine. Whatever. I waited until after 7:00 pm to send him a text, and he responded a few minutes later. Turns out, all he’s done today was sleep and watch football.

For someone who really seemed to make me feel special yesterday, he did the complete opposite today.

The moral of this story: I WILL NEVER FUCKING UNDERSTAND MEN. EVER!!!

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The Lone M&M

Posted on 09/17/2019 by suzangrey

I was sitting at my desk earlier today just working away and I thought how good I was feeling about not craving any sugary treat. Just as that thought crossed my mind, I happened to move my keyboard and saw a red peanut M&M roll out from behind it.

“Well, hello there, little guy!”

How long had it been sitting there? Did my coworker leave me an evil treat? Was he hiding out since the last time I had partaken of a yellow bag of multi-colored crack?

For a quick moment I figured I’d leave it there so I could ask my cubicle-mate if she left it for me. You see, she’s the type to open a bag, eat one, and close the bag. This does not compute with my brain. After all, if you can eat one, why not eat the whole bag?!…or three for that matter?!

I did a lightning-quick back and forth in my head about the fate of that little red devil. A moment later, I reached down, snatched it up, and…I put that motherfucker in the trash!

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My Candy Brain

Posted on 09/16/2019 by suzangrey

Today, I sat at my desk about an hour after eating lunch, a pretty filling lunch, and my brain told me, “Hey! You need some chocolate. Go get a candy bar from the break room. It’ll be yummy! Then you can get another one a little later.” It told me this with such enthusiasm as if it was a moral imperative that I get up that second and go get myself a treat! I sat there for a minute and the first thing that popped in my head was, “What the fuck is wrong with you, brain?!”

Seriously!! What the hell?!?!

That’s the problem with my brain – it knows all my secrets…all my weaknesses. It’s as if it wants to sabotage me all the fucking time! I wonder what the brain of a thin, fit person says. I honestly have no idea! Does everyone think about food all the time? No. Of course not. Most men I know will either be thinking about sex or literally nothing. Nothing is their favorite thing to think about, from what I’m told.

My brain, on the other hand, seems to be fighting a war most of the time. If it had clans, they would probably start fighting and then notice a pot luck off to the side of the battle field and call a truce so they can all eat until they’re full.

The weight loss group I was around this time last year was great because a lot were close by, but all were available online. We always said when it came to weight loss and fitness that “solo is death.” I still have access to most all of those people online, and they’ll encourage me and cheer me on all I need. The difference is that none of them live up here, so I don’t have anyone checking in with me to see if I’ll be at the Orangetheory class tonight or if I’m up for a hike on Saturday. I’m flying solo…and it’s becoming more and more apparent the shittier my clothes feel on me.

I’ve got to figure out how to create my own clan up here…outside of my brain. I’m in the countdown to moving into my own place. I get my keys in less than a month now. I’m looking forward to only having food in my home that I should be eating. I’m excited about organizing everything just the way I want it. I’m trying to imagine how I’ll decorate my new place. What I’m really hoping is that I start some new habits that get me back to a healthier way of life. I just need to figure out how to shut up the little dipshit of a brain so he (I apparently think my brain is a guy) doesn’t continue to tell me to give in to all things bad for me. Any advice on just how to do that is greatly appreciated!!!

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Rambling Thoughts

Posted on 09/15/2019 by suzangrey

I saw a girlfriend of mine this weekend who I introduced to a weight loss/fitness group at the beginning of the year. She’s done an amazing job and is almost to her goal weight. I had been in my goal weight range for almost the first half of the year. After starting my current job, I’ve gained about 25 lbs. I can’t get back into the mindset I had then, but I keep thinking about something she said to me yesterday. She told me that she is always thinking about food. She wakes up thinking about it. She’s calculating the next time she can eat. She finishes a meal and starts imagining what she’s going to eat for her next meal. She’s exercising quite a bit, which isn’t necessarily a bad thing, but given the combination of everything, I know that is not how I want to live my life.

Sure, I’m heavier than I want to be, but soon I’ll be moving back into my own place and will only have access to the food I buy. I’ll be driving less and able eat at a decent hour and hopefully work out more often. I’ll be busy in the evenings getting my new apartment just the way I want it which will keep my mind busy. I’m really looking forward to that despite the fact that I’m a bit nervous about my finances. I’m trusting that it will all work out. There’s not use worrying about something that hasn’t come to pass.

I’ve considered going to an Overeater’s Anonymous meeting, but I don’t really think that’s the right course for me. I wish I was as skilled at losing weight as I am at gaining it. I just know that I don’t want to live my life being constantly hungry. I just don’t feel it’s sustainable long term.

I really miss having fitness-minded people around me like I had back in Austin. I don’t have a workout buddy. I don’t have anyone close by who is eating a keto diet. I know I’ve got my online support, but it’s different for some reason. I’m really hoping that once I move and get into a normal routine that I’ll find “my people” close by.

One thing I realized this weekend that I really miss is having someone special in my life. I’ve been talking with several guys but none seem to want to meet. Those I have met don’t seem to be in any hurry to see me again despite sounding very interested via text. It’s for this exact reason that I haven’t put much effort into meeting someone. It’s a catch-22. I want someone special in my life right now, but I don’t want to settle for any of the guys I’ve been talking with. You make time for what’s important to you. Guess I’m just not that important to them and they’re not important enough to me. I still miss that physical connection. A lot!

I haven’t been sleeping well either. I’m hoping that writing some will help. I’ve just had a lot on my mind lately. That’s probably what’s added to my stress eating. Of course part of it is boredom eating. This week should be a little busier at work at least. I’ve got a few workouts scheduled and need to do some sort of exercise on the other nights in hopes that I’ll be tired enough to go to sleep. I’d really like one of these guys to firm up some plans with me just so I have something to do in the evening. Of course if I’m not sleeping, then going out in the evening probably isn’t a good idea. I’m just torn about the whole damn thing.

I feel like I’ve been rambling a bit, but I just need to get this shit out of my head so I can rest. I’m going to get a few meals ready for the week so I won’t snack as much. I hate that I know exactly what I need to be doing in order to lose the weight. My fucking brain is what gets in the way. I just need to reprogram it and I’ll be all set. Maybe I missed an update and it just needs a good reboot.

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Hurry Up and Wait

Posted on 08/29/2019 by suzangrey

Things are quiet. Too quiet! I love my job…finally! Now that I’m working in the Dallas area, I feel like I’ve found a place where I can put down some roots. My boss is a genuinely nice man. My team and coworkers make the commute to work well worth it. The company has some exciting things happening, and I feel like I got here at a really great time. The only downside I’m experiencing right now is that I have almost nothing to do here all day. I’d been at work about 45 minutes and was completely caught up. I’ve actually been WISHING for someone to come by and ask me to do something. For me, there’s nothing worse than being bored at work. What’s making this even more difficult is that I’ve been waiting to hear some news from someone since last Friday, and my patience is running thin.

As I mentioned, my commute can be quite…ummm…challenging. Yeah, let’s use that word. I drive approximately 36 miles one way which puts me in rush hour traffic both to and from work. This usually takes at least an hour in each direction. I’m sure most people are like me and prefer to avoid traffic like the plague, so imagine my excitement to possibly be able to cut that from 1+ hours to no more than 20 minutes. That’s the news I’m waiting for right now.

I found a decent apartment in a decent area at a decent price, which is a combination VERY hard to come by up here. I put in the application on Friday afternoon, and here it is THURSDAY and I still have not heard any official word back. I know their office is closed on Sunday. Fine. I was told I should hear back on Tuesday at the latest. Fine. I called yesterday morning, as I’m worried that there’s something wrong and they’re trying to figure out how to break the news to me that I was declined. (With a credit rating of 830+, I doubt that’s the case.) Turns out that the lady who was supposed to process the application and then put it on her manager’s desk left sick on Tuesday. She called me today and needs to verify my previous rental verification and also needs a copy of my ID and proof of income. I took care of all of it immediately, so hopefully that moved things along for her.

And now I wait. Again.

It’s just about lunch time and I’ve had nothing to do all morning with the exception of helping a friend who is looking for a job. If time would just move a little faster so I can get some answers, that would be great! Anyone know how to speed up the clock just a little?

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