Author: ClayaCaper

or at least i do

i am now over a week into my internet “cleanse” thing

and i am saddened that it is true

i was missing stuff

the sorry sad little truth is…

that looking at the god damn screen all the time

does rob me of other experiences

not big splashy experiences

but ones that matter to me anyway

they are the little salt grains that come together and make life…

MORE

they are the little thoughts and experiences that make the difference between an okay i feel fine day and an i love my life day

and when we miss them too much….i just think it isn’t the desirable state.

there are certain times that i reach for my phone to look at the screen in some way….

and often it seems like I’m just doing it for some kind of “relief” or something almost like I am “indulging” in a vice of some sort.

so the other day i was overwhelmed by my house full of small children and felt my brain might explode.

i got them situated with snacks and since everything seemed contained I fled to the hallway where i immediately pulled my phone out and held it up to my face….I guess seeking that “hit”.  but I remembered my pledge and put it down. I felt that weird empty feeling you feel when you are at a loose end and long to dive into flashy click click world.

but instead I just sat. and stared. and tried to relax. i found myself staring at a shoe. I found myself bemoaning the cluttered chaotic state of my home and how IT DOESN’T MATTER WHAT I DO I CAN’T KEEP IT ALL CLEANED UP AND PERFECT AND WAHHHHHH.

but magically my thought flipped to where i marveled at the fact that my hallway is cluttered full of tiny shoes.  and my heart flipped over at the blessing that is.

dreams come true.

and then they make messes

and i’m cool with that

 

and so

i went back to my children

a better happier more relaxed mama

than I would have

if i had plugged my brain into my phone

second

waiting for a drink at the coffee shop…

seated by a sunny window

i whip out my phone ready to click and check stuff…feel productive or entertained or something

but I remember and put it back

and i sit there and think

well damn

this feels weird

and yet

I used to do this all the time

i’ve only had the smartphone for two years and yet it has reshaped the way I relate to existing

and so i just sit there and my mind drifts and i watch birds eat dirty bread

and i move my chair until the sun is barging down into my eyeballs because i love that

and i think of the thoughts i wrote in my last post

and i walked away with my coffee

happier and fuller

and dare i say…..

more alive

than i would have if i had spent those 4 minutes scrolling and clicking and tapping the screen

third

i had a small chunk of time and as usual i reached for my computer

but i remembered

and i thought maybe i should start that book that an old friend had asked everyone to read…

and I did

just for a few minutes

but the book was being mortal: medicine and what matters in the end by Atul Gawande

and how can that kind of thing NOT make you think

and it did

in a good way

and i grew more in those 8 minutes reading the first few pages of that book than i would have messing about clicking and checking

last little example

child wants my presence yet drifts off to other toys

i am sitting on the floor nearby

i feel bored…antsy to just be sitting there…kid seems occupied

so i reach for the phone and hold it to my expectatious face

but i remember and put it down

and instead i look at my kid

and i observe the great work going on…the struggle in the problem solving

i marvel at this human

and then this tiny little human looks up into my marveling eyes

and seems delighted by the knowledge that I am watching

and then I get the smile

the tiny child scrunch nosed smile that is just everything that there ever needs to be

that is all

not a big fancy thing

but my heart panged when I thought….

I almost missed this

need i say more

 

We long to be seen

approved

stamped by something

we want to be accepted

awarded

cast

published

somehow the initial glorious fruit of the joy of just doing the thing….

is eaten away by the longing to be stamped

for some reason we don’t believe the joy is enough

we hold up our art

our miraculous human athleticism

our stunning intellects

and we beg to be stamped

the joy in doing the thing

not

enough

to warrant the doing of it

and the local and humble talent transactions

don’t count

as much

as the big shiny famous ones

and so I see people stop

creating

stop playing

stop reading and caring

about things that they once did

just for the joy

and it is that joy

that spoke to the people who got to share it

and it is the lack of that joy

that creates so much flatness in our world

which would you rather be?….

the well recognized published awarded Doctorate holding human who has flattened

or the talented human happily kneeling tucked away in a garden that has never been judged, never been photographed, tending flowers with a small knowing smile…..drinking in the air and the smell of the earth and the vibrant energy of the colors and the beauty.

a person seeing the beauty

a person quietly living a beautiful life

unconcerned with being stamped

happy to share

but no desire to be seen

no one needs to see you

live your life beautifully

in joy

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Sometimes I get tired of hearing the word mindfulness

I like mindfulness and I think it really is sort of the “key” to some stuff

but you hear it everywhere

and it is always promising and promising  and promising

and I don’t like it when people act like things are easy

that there are simple steps

that there are cures and remedies that are so easily available

but ya know

I’m down

I get it

I’ve heard it

be in the moment

living mindfully

bring your focus to the present

make the image in your mind match the image in front of your eyes instead of always having a mismatch

and this mindfulness seems like a remedy for missing your life

for fearing death

for life moving way too fast

And whenever I fear death (which is a lot actually)

It is the idea of mindfulness that pops up

because what else can you do in the face of mortality than

LIVE

and what better way to live than to actually

BE IN YOUR LIFE

and it is true that we spend a lot of our lives not actually in them but

distracting ourselves and worrying about myriad and sundry stuff

and that is SO CLICHE I want to smack myself for even writing it

but it is true for me

and I do have to refocus myself and my thoughts and my life often

and yes Eckert Tolle it is as simple as the Now

and yes Thict Naht Hanh it is as simple as breath

and yes Oprah it is as simple as …well all that stuff you said

but it also isn’t….in a way

and perhaps you want to tell me that if it isn’t simple I am doing it wrong

But what I think is when you say simple I am thinking easy

and mindfulness may be simple

but it sure ain’t EASY

I am trying to reduce my interactions with the screens and with the internet and everything that comes with it….

that “fix” I crave…checking checking checking…email, tweets, notifications….new stimuli….

and for a person who can be rather …um…activated…constant shiny internet stimulation can FEEL good

but that doesn’t mean it is doing me good

and i cannot deny that it does nothing to help me do that whole be in my life thing

it is a great tool

it is a great way to connect to people

but moderation is key

and moderation is not my strong suit

and so I wanted a break from it

and I wanted to make it EASY for myself

to just not see it or to feel the desire for it

I thought about whole hog hiding the laptop…deleting all apps from my phone…

etc etc etc

but I haven’t done that

one because I also know that if I get TOOO fanatical about things it backfires in my face

I would get a mood dip and feel deserving and saucy and rebel against my own authority with a ridiculous gleefulness

yeah you can see I have experience in this area

and also

I get overwhelmed by life and don’t always make things happen and I also consistently lose track of time so I did not do any of the things on my list I had planned to do for this little “retreat” thing

so they are there…all the stuff I could check on the phone that spends it’s life at my side…

and this computer and the clicks so close to clicking

and the only thing stopping me from clicking it all and ruining my quiet

is

me

and that makes me all like…

dude this is hard

and I didn’t want hard

I didn’t want to have to fight the desire

but I realize that that may be the whole point

that is mindfulness

strengthening the mindfulness muscles

rerouting pathways in the brain

the absence of the ability to check and indulge in the internet

would be a relief and a retreat

but would it actually help me in the end?

or is it HAVING THE ABILITY to go there and yet the sitting with the desire and not giving in to it…

the relearning

the unlearning

the DISCIPLINE (ick)

that rewards in time

with a quieter brain

a calmer spirit

is it that every time you resist

you strengthen it

and see

that isn’t EASY for me

especially when I start to feel overwhelmed and bored and I start reaching for the things that take my mind away

I believe there is definitely a time and place for that

but this isn’t it

BUT I can see that it is as simple

as just BEING in your own life

 

 

I actually get annoyed by the near constant high pitched doomsdaying about technology and screen time and the loss of civilization and our souls

Not that there isn’t truth in it

but it is just very…done…it is done a lot

and I just don’t like people telling me bad things will happen to me if I do or don’t do something

because it’s not that simple

that’s not life

I believe the internet has been Godsend for people who need to connect to others like them and have no other way…

and the internet has been blessing for me

but like all things there is more than one side

and I cannot ignore or deny the way that the internet negatively impacts my life

it sucks the “quietness” out of me

and right now

I crave quietness

not just the physical sound of quietness but quietness in all forms…

of mind and body and heart and soul

and life

and

I don’t know

everything

Sometimes for me…

in order to find balance

I have to go to the extreme and work my way back from there

and yet self discipline is not a strength of mine

but here is what I am working on in the next few weeks….

 

more reading less tweeting

more pens less keyboards

more outside less inside

more books less screens

more calls less texts

more presence less escape

more wondering less googling

more release less control

more painting less buzzing

more acceptance less resistance

more being less thinking

more waiting less distracting

more seeing less rushing

more listening less talking

more babies on laps less laptops on laps

more turning towards less turning away

more stillness less commotion

more simplicity less interference

more quiet

more quiet

more quiet

more quiet

less noise

“Remember that you are dust…..

and to dust….

you shall return.”

 

this isn’t about religion

this is about life

i grew up hearing those words

on this day

they are big words for little ears

scary

ominous

and yet

it is kind of a nice way to say

we’re all gonna die

i am not going to search and ask what exactly is meant when this is said

because this is about what i hear

and what i hear is

figure out what is important and live your life accordingly

because it is fleeting

you once were nothing

and you will be nothing again

your body and all of this matter around you

is nothing and will be nothing again

that is not religion stuff

that is the truth

there is room for other beliefs and ideas but right now i am going to leave it and just focus here

because those words on their own are a wake up call

they say

you are nothing

you will die

cut the crap

and

make it count

and this is said to everyone

we are all dust

it is an equalizer

and none of the ego and earthly trappings of life matter

there are things that matter

and there are things that don’t

and so as an adult

i still allow those words to bubble around in my mind

i watch them settle over petty worries and egoic wishes

and in doing so create a level of calm that was heretofore absent

and i look

and i face the fact that i will die

and i feel emboldened to make this life matter

and not in grand ways

but in the i’m going to close the laptop and crawl around on the floor with my baby kind  of ways

in the i won’t stop them from splashing in the puddles even though it makes more work for me kinds of ways

in the i’m going to lock my phone in a drawer and learn to sit and think and watch the world and not give in the compulsion to look at a screen constantly….the way I once did before it came into my life

and i feel reminded that life is short

and i feel reminded that i love it

and i feel reminded that i matter to people

and i feel reminded that i am alone

and i feel reminded that i am a part of something

and i feel reminded that none of this external world really matters

and i can almost feel a smile and a relief in myself when i hear those words…

remember

you are dust

and to dust

you shall return

 

 

 

 

 

 

Hey teachers!

Stop giving ME homework

I’m a grown UP (fine so that might be debatable)

and I already went to school

I already wasted a whole bunch of my life doing homework

I am already pissed that my little kid is wasting a whole bunch of his precious childhood doing your homework

but for the love of fuck stop giving ME homework

I don’t want to have to log reading shit or make posters

does that make me a bad mom?

no. I’m a good mom..I just already have a lot of shit to do

and I also don’t like having to remind/stand over/help my kid with his homework

does that make me a bad mom

no. It makes me a good mom. Because I’d rather be snuggling on the couch reading to my child.

I’d rather he was outside getting sweaty and dirty and having…what’s that thing again…FUN

I’d rather he was playing with his siblings…the siblings who miss him terribly while he is at school doing this kind of work with you ALL DAMN DAY

THAT is the stuff childhood is made out of

this photocopied waste of trees worksheet shit

is NOT

and I am paying (whether through tuition or taxes)

and I want YOU to do the School shit FOR ME

because I coulda homeschooled the child

and in fact I TRIED

hard

and it didn’t work out

So do this job we are paying you to do

YOU do the school shit

Let ME do the mom shit

And for the Love of God Let my kid do the CHILDHOOD shit

it is the season of introspection

of purity

simplicity

the season of dumping the ego at the door

of thinking about what is actually essential in your life

and what are the distractions

the noise

the unseen obstacles

and I know it is not true everywhere in the world

but for me this season always comes in the dead of winter

when everything is cold

and seemingly dead

a symbolic sort of thing for the depression that has plagued me all of my life

and during these cold dead times there is a sort of turning in on oneself

almost for survival and yet it is an inward turning that can lead to transformation and transcendence

and with the cold and the bare and the white of winter..

comes a kind of purity

a purity

starkly contrasting the noise and color of our modern human world

the hush

the still silence

of a true winter night

a true winter morning

it is the antidote to the internet social media screen saturation i feel

and i find myself craving that stillness

longing for that silence

not a heard silence or physical stillness

but a soft still silence permeating my being

i want that

those of you who know me and my writing know that silence is not something i come by easily…not in my home…not in my head…

peace

purity

simplicity

stillness

silence

elusive beautiful friends

i throw myself on the door step of this winter season

and beg for the salve for my fiery overactive overstimulated oversensitive constantly churning self

i long to shed all of the encumbrances

i long to see through all of the weeds

and i want to be able to hold

really hold

hold onto the truths

and the

pure

simple

still

silence

I recently lost my phone for almost 24 hours.

i know

can you believe it

do you know the panic you get when you can’t find it…disconnected from the world.  even more so if you have no landline too.

and i have a long history with this…

phones dropped in toilets and drowned at the bottom of bags holding water bottles and left by sinks where children were playing…running wildly to stores begging for help “just FIX IT PLEASE! Whatever it takes!”

but this time

i couldn’t bring up any caring

i tried to care.  i really did look for it. i called myself to no avail (sound off)

but then hours went by and i realized i hadn’t missed it

a few more hours and i realized i was full of a relief like feeling

night came and i began to hope i didn’t find it

i was aware that twitter and blogging and researching stuff on the internet can suck my brains

but i hadn’t really realized how much the constant contact with the world had an impact on me…on my daily just being.

because it isn’t just one thing or the other

it is also the texts and the emails

and i don’t even know

there is just so much AT YOUR FINGERTIPS with your smartphone

the world is literally RIGHT THERE

a click and a swipe away and you are in contact with people…friends…strangers…aquaintances…

and i love it

but i don’t think it is good for me

but i don’t know how to balance it

once upon a time i had no cellphone

i had no laptop

if i wanted the internet i had to GO TO IT and sit in one spot

now the internet follows me around

it is literally EVERYWHERE i go

i don’t like it

but i don’t know how to balance it

once upon a time i had a cellphone that was ONLY a phone.

it made calls. it received calls. and it told me what time it was.

i carried it around like my life depended on it.

texting didn’t start until later

and i loved texting when it was just my nearest and dearest peers

but it soon became EVERYONE

the other moms in the kids’ classes

my parents

and in laws

and just EVERYONE

and i don’t like it

because it is just a fact that every single time I look at my phone whatever my brain is currently doing there is a good chance that will be blown to bits by incoming stimuli.

and i just don’t want or need that in my life

but i don’t know what to do.

i long to toss the phone

but it makes me feel safe

it is a great tool

it connects me to my friends and lets me be with them all of the time

but i am realizing that it also keeps something perpetually open

that i think we are supposed to close

 

 

 

bumper stickers fascinate me

or more accurately

people who put bumper stickers on their cars fascinate me

or more accurately the processes by which people decide to put bumper stickers on their cars fascinate me

much in the same way how people decide whether or not to Tweet a thought fascinates me

like how does it work?

you see a bumper sticker in the store or get one for free somewhere or something and it like really speaks to you and you think “I like this so much I want to stick it on my car so everyone can see it”

and then you go through the process of choosing a spot and taking off the backing (I assume there is a backing?? I don’t actually know. I’m a bumper sticker virgin. But I’ve sown my oats with other kinds of stickers ehem)

and then you stick it on there and feel a feeling of satisfaction of some sort

i get the thought process of some of them i guess..like the political shit…people feel all worked up about an election and they want to declare who’s side they are on and or want to try to get people to vote for that person (maybe that works…maybe there are studies on it…I don’t know…I didn’t research for this post..surprise!)

and I get the ones about peace and that sort of thing

i roll like that.

i can see myself doing that if could ever get my shit together long enough to get a sticker all the way to my car’s backside and take the moment to do the damn thing

i also think I unfortunately under the sexist misogynistic shit

because obviously yeah…the world is messed up like that

and if you’re a parent paying for school maybe you just want to declare it or something

but for the vast number of them I just sit behind you with fascinated curiosity…

not usually pondering the messages delivered to me by the bumper stickers

but rather pondering you

It is all very entertaining and as a person who bores as easily I really do appreciate your efforts

there is no judgement here

just curiosity

please carry on with the bumper stickering