Monthly Archives: February 2013

Stupid

Posted by Cleo on

Image

When you trust people before they earn it, stupid.

When you love them before they deserve it, stupid.

When you remove your walls for less than the best, stupid.

When you lend money to someone whose finances are a mess, stupid.

When you cry for someone who doesn’t care, stupid.

When you yearn for someone who has never been there, stupid.

When you make excuses for his horrible actions, stupid.

When he calls you out of your name and you allow retractions, stupid.

When you allow yourself to get fed up, stupid.

When you know his best will never be enough, stupid.

When he has no morals and no class, stupid.

When you still have feelings for his ass……fucking stupid…

Once Upon A Time When I Gave A Fuck…

Posted by Cleo on

Image

Once upon a time when I gave a fuck, you probably would have hurt me.  Would have had me questioning myself, asking “What did I do wrong”?  Would have had me forgetting my value, losing my happiness, worrying, and wondering.  Would have had me moaning and crying out to God with tears and clear snot dripping down my face.   Would have begged you to stay while the blood from my heart congealed on the bottom of your Jordans. Would have had me lost in a familiar place and looking for you with a flashlight in the daytime. 

 

Once upon a time when I gave a fuck, I would have voted for President Obama for the second time around believing this one man could actually fix this crap.  I would have ignored the fact that things will only get worst.  Would have let it bother me that people are walking around with their head in the clouds like this country isn’t running on air and a prayer.  Wouldn’t have questioned the millions of dollars that went to campaigning while children lay cold in their beds with empty stomachs and bruised souls.

Once upon a time when I gave a fuck, a news article about some ignorant racist would have had me fired up and angry instead of wondering why this waste of sperm and egg was even given dignity in print.  Would have been fist pumping and raring to protest while the real racist get away with that institutional type shit that keep kids in the hood ignorant, ragged school books in the classroom, free birth control, cheap abortions, and politicians looking the other way while their left hand clutch dollars soiled with Cuban cocaine and their left receives rewards for the “war on drugs”.

Once upon a time when I gave a fuck, I would have put on a show.  Would have been a Facebook and Twitter gangsta of the worst kind; using old curse words in witty new ways that you never heard.  You probably would have laughed if I used them on someone else.  Would have laid all your shit bare for the world to see so you couldn’t cover the scent of your bullshit with rose water and glitter.

Once upon a time when I gave a fuck, I would have sacrificed myself for a microscopic piece of love, understanding, compassion, and concern.  Would have hurt me that no fucks were given about me.  Would have got some tears, some pain, some blood from me, and a tiny bit of my spirit.  Would have tormented my physical, my mental, and my emotional just to feel that ecstasy of lust mistaken as love.

But Once upon a time…

Is always followed by The End.

This Face: It Doesn’t Look Like What It’s Been Through

Posted by Cleo on

Image

This face has been in some dangerous place.  Places with grime on the floor and blood on the wall.  Places where friends and family took their last breath.  This face has been covered in blood, tears, and sweat. This face has been kissed and lied to by the same person.  Caressed and hurt too.  Saw another face standing next to my face as he pointed to her face and I said, “I love her”, even though my sheets still carried his scent. This face saw dead babies floating in toilets; a face that could have grown to look like this face one day.   This face saw reflections of itself and loved, hated, altered, painted, poked, prodded, washed with tears caused by pain and hurt. This face laughed when it wanted to cry, smiled when it wanted to frown, and lifted when it wanted to hide.  This face saw faces that hated this face, devalued this face, frowned at this face, and wanted to destroy this face just because this face wasn’t the color of their face.  But this face….it don’t look like what it’s been through…

Looking at Myself in a Dirty Mirror

Posted by Cleo on

Image

I lie to no one like I lie to myself.  I put on a smile mask over my grimace of pain and keep telling myself I will be ok as I feel myself slowing dying.  Looking at myself in this dirty mirror adding artificial to make my natural “beautiful”…

I smile at all this fake shit on my body and when I take it off I feel…like I am better with the fake shit than I am with my natural shit.  You can’t tell me to be myself when you tell me I am beautiful with the fake shit and walk by me in my natural.

I walk by me in my natural.  Looking at myself in this dirty mirror wishing I could change it.  Wishing the scars will disappear.  Hating them.  These anchors all over my body, holding my body.  You make me feel like I need this fake shit.

She has the face of an angel, the body of a demon.  She needs an exorcism but there is no priest.  Just doctors with knives… they want her to pay them to cut her.   She has no money so they put away their knives.  She hides her demon with pretty clothes and adds the fake shit to her face.  She smile in the dirty mirror as the tears run behind her eyes, too ashamed to run down her face.

Her beauty is inside of her, bursting at the seams but to afraid to come out because it won’t look like the beauty you like, or he like, or she like…  I look in this dirty mirror because she is me and I am ashamed of her.

Not afraid to love but afraid I won’t be loved back.  God loves me that is a fact, so why does this world matter so much?  Because I allowed the world to speak to me more than I allowed God to.  So I look in this dirty mirror and I say, one day, it will all go away.

To my friend whom I am now reminded why I love him.  You made me tell the truth, JB.