I’ve been having visions since I was a kid, so nothing new about that.  I’ve been going through spiritual transformation and growth for the past three years and I’m started to get stronger in my gift.  It’s scary and exciting but also annoying.  I’m not a psychic.  There is no crystal ball.  I can only share the information that is given to me.  I can’t tell you if your boyfriend is the one or if your wife is having an affair, but if I concentrate, I can tell you what is weighing the heaviest on your spirit.  I can tell if you have emotional vampires.  I can tell if your soul is tired.  I can tell because I can feel it.  It hurts when I feel it.  It weighs on me.  Your issues become my issues.  I can’t stop it like I should because I’m not strong enough in my gift yet.  It takes me a while to recover and even longer when someone I love is also grieving my spirit instead of being supportive of me.

For the past year or so, the waking visions have been amazing.  Its almost like I do have a crystal ball when it comes to aspects of my own life.  Being able to see me becoming pregnant before any test can tell me, seeing my daughter face well before she was born, and even the face of the child that never was.  Those are great.

Now I have started this new thing where when I close my eyes, I will see words, letters, and numbers whizzing by my eyes.  Changing so fast that I don’t have time to register any patterns or signs in them.  But lately, the jumbles slow down and I will see a random number, a word, a face, and sometimes full-on visions.  The last one was chilling.

It’s like I was floating and looking down at this huge mountain of faces.  Imagine a mountain of super realistic looking face mask but all of the same exact face.  At first, I thought the faces belonged to my daughter but then I realized it was my face.  It was weird seeing my face from this angle.  But all these faces were mine and every second, the facial expression on the faces would all change to a different facial expression.  From happy, to sad, to angry, to frustration….literally, every emotion was being illustrated on my face.  I fought my way out of the vision but it took my body a bit more time to catch up.  I lay there paralyzed for about 30 seconds until I could open my eyes and move.

Right away I knew that this was about the emotional turmoil that I have been going through in life.  I called my mom and my aunt who interpret dreams on 3-way.  She confirmed exactly my thoughts and added even more.  Read me like a book and told me things about myself that were true but my ego too fragile to ever admit or acknowledge without her prompting me to.

I’m not as much of an open book as I really think I am.  I’m very guarded.  It’s a defense mechanism from decades of pain from people I thought who loved me.  Hell, she even took me back to childhood and told me that my tendency to have different energy for everyone in my life depending on what they needed from me was inherited from my mother.  Told me that shit while she was right there on the phone.  But… it’s true.  I’ve seen my mom suffer in silence when people hurt her.  I’ve seen her refuse to confront people who I felt treated her less than how she should have been.   She wasn’t a pushover with me nor my sister in the least, but she never reacted to things that would have made most people fight.  I never saw my parents fight except once, they had a disagreement in front of me.  I was 13 or 14.  It scared me because I had never seen them argue before.  As much as a daddy’s girl as I was, I took my mom’s side against him and lashed out at him.  It shocked them into silence.  I shook with anger.  I screamed.  I cried.  They embraced me and we all cried.  It never happened again.  My daddy died when I was 18 and it damn near killed me.  To this day, I don’t allow anyone to scream or yell at me.  But I will hold in my pain, hurt, and frustration, then explode when it gets to be too much.  In the past, I never let anyone I loved take me there.  I broke up with men the first time they screamed or curse at me.  Now, not so much.  I’m forced to work it out.  I’m proud of myself for not running away at the first sign of trouble.  Proud of myself for finally preparing myself to walk in my destiny.  I no longer want to be a mountain of tumultuous emotions.