Ever get told how horrible a person you are? How stupid? How worthless? You can try to build yourself up all you want but when your own flesh and blood tell you these things blatantly and through every action and grimace they make, it’s hard to stand strong in the face of that. It doesn’t cut the same way it used to but that may be just because I’ve managed to keep myself at bay from ruminating over any type of negative feelings for quite some time. Yet, even without the emotional turmoil I had allowed myself to wallow in for most of my life, I still can’t seem to move forward even in the absence of those things. I wondered for some time whether I had truly left those negative feelings behind and moved on from it but the fact that I’m at a standstill again shows that all of those things still affect me whether I have an immediate reaction or not. 

There are many resilient people out there who push forward and thrive in the face of adversity or simply are courageous enough to keep moving in spite of it. You shoot them down, they’re revved up to prove you wrong. I’m not like that at all. I don’t work well in the face of any type of judgment, good or bad. It’s difficult for me to deal with conclusive statements because I feel pressured either way. Pressured to the point that where I literally can’t do anything.

“Great work” Sh*t, what if I don’t measure up next time? Avoid, Delay, Neglect.

“You’re an idiot, what’s wrong with you?” I don’t know, let me curl up in a corner and settle into a catatonic state and get back to you on that. 

Explaining what I need to deaf ears won’t move me. I know that. I should’ve learned that after all these years and yet I seem to think it will be possible one day. But I can’t keep moving if I allow the pace of my life to be dependent on the behavior of others. I know I need to suck it up and rise above the harsh opinions of those closest to me. It won’t change my life and doing nothing only serves to encourage them. 

Ironically, they think by doing nothing, it means I don’t care but the problem is that I care too much.